Female relationships...I Think I Need Some Help!

A.
I think you need to let people be. your friend with a newborn baby....she does not have time to catch up with you or anyone else for that matter. she gave birth last wednesday, as you said, what do you expect her to do? you have txt-ed and called her too many times, that is why she is saying to you let me be for the time being. she has her hands full with a toddler and a newborn.
your young SIL...you embarrassed her by asking her a question you didn't need to. she has her heart given to this guy so she will follow her heart even if it means having it broken all over again. there is no rhyme or reason as to whyy she went to see him. she just did. what did you expect her to say? 'i was a fool?' she knows that. you know that, but by putting her on the spot in front of others she just got more embarrassed.
i think you are expecting too much from people...people who are busy and do not have time to socialize as if they're in their teens. people have responsibilities, problems, things going on in their life. you will be better off if you do your own thing and be open to have them return to your life when they're ready.
calm down and good luck

Could it be that you're so angry because you're taking what other people do or don't do as something personal to you? You seem to expect people to do what you would do when in reality we all handle life differently. It might help to work on feeling compassion for them and their circumstances. Instead of telling yourself that they have rejected you or are causing your life to be complicated you tell yourself that they, just as you, are doing the best that they an do at the moment while you remind yourself that they have different lives than you do.

For example, the friend with the new baby may have had a difficult delivery, may have depression. Actually, may have been dealing with depression since the birth of her second child and not really be aware of it enough to tell you. Depression, even not so serious depression often causes people to withdraw. Also causes them to not be able to cope with several things at the same time. I suggest that her not wanting to talk with you probably doesn't have anything to do with you.

I, too, would be lonely and disappointed in your place. I've had similar things happen to me. I've lost touch with several friends since I retired even tho I actively tried to keep the friendship going. A change in life circumstances can change friendships. I found that it was time to make new friends and know that doing so is not easy.

As far as your sils go, their lives are definitely much different than yours. I suggest that the one who is having her parents raise her children has a serious problem. Sounds like she's not capable of caring for them herself and her parents have continued caring for them for the well being of the children.

I don't understand why they don't make room for your children. Have you talked with them in a calm, non-judgmental way about how you feel about your children not being more involved with them? Don't talk about the reasons for them having their daughter's children. Just talk about your and your children's relationship with them. Is your husband concerned and has he talked with them about his children? Again, it's important to not say anything about the sister and her way of taking care of the children. I suggest that she is taking care of them the best she can by having her parents care for them.

Your comment to the other sister about why she'd want to spend time with her ex does, frankly, sound insensitive. A lot would depend on your tone of voice. You perhaps could ask that question by prefacing.it with a comment about your concern for her and how she's feeling. And ask it in private with time for a sympathetic conversation.

Because of her temper tantrums and mood swings I suggest that it's very possible that she has a mood disorder. I've had much experience with bi-polar disorder and depression and know that the person who has these disorders is miserable much of the time and very sensitive to remarks that are not intended to be critical. Being in relationship with them is rightfully compared to "walking on eggs." Also, funerals, are highly emotional by themselves. I have found it best to have light conversation unless someone wants to get more serious.

I suspect that you are young, in your 20's and are inexperienced in how to manage in these sorts of situations. So don't beat up on yourself. Your asking the question suggests that you are wanting to learn a different way and I praise you for that. Where there is a will there is a way. And......we all make mistakes as we learn. I'm still making them at 67. lol

I suggest that when you are able to be gentle on yourself you'll find it easier to be sympathetic with others. When I was in my 30's I realized that I was angry most of the time and started therapy after my first failed intimate relationship. After several years of therapy/counseling and reading of self-help books I was able to gradually let go of my anger. I found that I first had to feel compassion and then I wouldn't be so angry. The actual lesson that helped me the most at first was learning to not take what people did or said personally.

This involves learning about and forming boundaries for ones self and then being aware of and respecting other people's boundaries. For example your friend said to not call but yet you did. And when she repeated her request you felt that she was rejecting you and why would she do that? Must be something you did. Right?

I suggest that the reason for requesting no calls and the message on her voice mail had nothing to do with you. Her calling and personally telling you to not call was the result of your crossing her boundary. Boundaries are complicated and difficult to understand. I needed much help in learning how to have them and how to respect them, both mine and those belonging to others.

In counseling, I learned that anger is the result of not being aware of more tender feelings. It took me time to find my more tender feelings. In the end I learned that for me the anger was covering my chronic depression. The more tender feelings I wasn't aware of were compassion for myself and others. I was living in a world of shoulds and should nots. Law enforcement was a natural career choice. Law is primarily black and white. However, I had to deal with people in all sorts of conditions. The career its self is far from black and white. This "forced" me to make personal changes so that I would be comfortable.

Perhaps having these experiences is pointing you in the direction of counseling. I suggest that you will have better relationships once you figure yourself out. I urge you to find a counselor with whom you're comfortable working with.

In the meantime focus your attention on loving yourself. Take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself without expecting anyone else to participate. Praise yourself when something goes well. I started doing that out loud when no one could hear me. "Good job, M.! Dinner was delicious tonight." otherwise they might take it as a sarcastic remark. If I wanted praise from some one else, I'd say something like, "wasn't dinner good tonight?" or "I'm pleased with the salad! I tried a new recipe."

When I felt bad because I'd said something that made someone else angry and they wouldn't accept my apology, I'd remind myself that I didn't mean to hurt their feelings or make them angry and.....that how they took what I said is their responsibility. "I am OK! I learned something from that experience."

I believe we are alive to learn and grown. It's a life long adventure. I don't remember who wrote this in a poem but I am comforted by it. "I have miles to go before I sleep." Be kind to yourself. Live is a long road. We can travel with a sense of learning and adventure. You will have many friends over time. Some will be friends forever and some will drop by the wayside as their lives change. Also, as your life changes. Since you haven't spent much time with Dawn, you don't know if you still have things and/or ideas and feelings in common.

Honestly, I think you should just take a "chill pill". I don't mean to be negative, but I have always made better lasting friendships with guys than with women for this very reason. Women get too emotional about relationships. Maybe no one else will say it or I'm just cold and callous, but especially with your first question about being put off by your friend, just relax and give her time to adjust. I am not the type of person who calls my friends on a daily or even weekly basis. Once I had children they were the center of my world and everyone else had to take a back seat. I still care about my friends, but they know that's just how I am and maybe you should just realize that your friend is still your friend, but perhaps your relationship is going to be a little different and just give her the space she seems to want for the sake of preserving your relationship....As far as your SIL's I think the same thing goes- It's going to be hard for you, but I think you need to respect their boundaries. I know you mean well and so does everyone else, but everyone is an adult here and you will be amazed at how much you will feel less frusrated by people when you learn to say "okay whatever you want to do, just know I'm here for you if you need me" and go on about your merry way...

this might sound over simplified, but maybe you're just taking things too personally. It's hard not to do sometimes. But every action of another person does not automatically mean it's a reflection on you, your behavior, or how you fit into their lives.

When my second baby was born, I had so many visitors and I cried so much. I had almost died during my pregnancy and I had just gotten home, had a baby, I wanted things to be mellow for a bit. I'd been in the hospital for months and I just wanted some quiet time. I had really been through a lot and I know so many people were concerned about me. Every neighbor, people from my husband's work, flowers were being sent every 5 minutes. I wasn't unappreciative, I just felt so bombarded. Because I'd been so sick, my husband missed a lot of work and went back right after I got home so I admit, there were days I didn't get up to answer the door or the phone. It wasn't because I had stopped loving anyone. My family came to help and tried to intercept things as much as possible and I didn't for one second mean to hurt anyone's feelings. I simply couldn't give back all the attention that was being paid to me by so many different people at that time. It took me a couple of weeks to start feeling strong and back to myself and 3 weeks to the day after my son was born, my mother in law dropped dead in her kitchen out of the blue.
If you had been my friend at that time, you likely would have heard very little from me and it would have had nothing to do with you.

As for you in-laws, it sounds like maybe you are too wrapped up in what they are doing (or not doing) to the point that again, you are taking things on personally that you don't need to.
You're not looking for anyone to beat up on you so don't beat up on yourself. If you made a mistake, apologize for it, mean it and let it go. If you said something insensitive, it shouldn't be the end of the world.
Wait a few days and apologize again to make sure your apology is heard and let it go.
Don't be angry with your in-laws. Carrying anger around can get really heavy. Take them for what and who they are and deal with them when you have to and let the rest of the drama go.

Focus on being the best person you can be and leave them to do the same for themselves.
Best wishes.

Well, take it easy... I am not good with phone too, many times I'd rather email. Because then I can do it when I can and I can stop anytime I have to. I have 3 kids, so I want time for myself. Nothing personal.. I love most of my friends, but I don't call them every day or even every week. They always dear to me, close to my heart, and I know will help me when I need. But I am busy with something else... cannot always be there to pick up a phone or reply a text.

About the in laws... They are different. They create their own mess, and let them deal with it. You can love or hate them to death, but it's their life. We cannot force what we want and what we think is right to others. Your anger will eating you alive, maybe you need to let it go.

Here are some references about boundaries. I like this. It helps me draw the line of expectation, involvement, etc. I hope this can help.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-...

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

http://www.cloudtownsend.com/library/qa.php
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/videoserver/video.php?clip=t...

C.

I will keep it simple. You clearly care about these people, and that is a good thing. Have the confidence to know that you care and your heart is in the right place, and also know that if people can't deal with you, that is their problem more than it is yours.

Also, I would just keep your focus on yourself and do your best to keep your side of the street clean. We don't all do things perfectly all the time, but we can do damage control when we are a bit out of line. Yes, maybe it would have been better to not mention the guy to your SIL, especially in front of your in-laws, but you caught yourself, you apologized, and that is also a good thing. More likely than not, the SILs and your friend will come around, especially if you just work on being the good person that you can be. Be patient and kind, nobody can ask more that that of you.

I think your calls were coming in at times when she just didn't have time to text or call you back, and the phone ringing probably wakes up the baby. She may not know yet how to balance motherhood, friends, being a house wife, so give her time, don't push and wait and see if she calls you back if she doesn't well that's OK too. I have close friends that i just don't have the time to get back to or hang out with like I did years ago, but I think it's like that for most people who work and or have family's. The best place to meet other moms/women with kids is at the park, it is so easy to strike up conversations while watching the children play. As for your sister/sister in law, their ways are their ways and you can't change them, but I'm sure there are women out there with the same values and life style of yours. J.

Well, the SIL question is easy. They just aren't your cup of tea and they just don't have the same code of conduct that you have. Unless they grow up and take responsibility for their actions, you may never have that connection with them. I don't think what you asked your younger SIL was bad -- it's actually something that I may have asked if I were you -- but her display of drama was definitely uncalled for. I just think that from here on out, where your SILs and the rest of your in-laws are concerned possibly, just keep things superficial and light. If you don't expect too much from them, then you won't be disappointed.

With regard to your friend Dawn, the only thing I can think of is that she may be suffering from post partum depression or maybe is not handling the whole motherhood thing very well. She may never be the same friend that you had pre-kids because her circumstances have changed it is has been two years since your friendship started to dwindle. This is probably just how it is. It sucks when something like this happens. There's a saying that "friends are for a season, a reason or a lifetime." Maybe Dawn was a seasonal friend. If you put yourself out there to connect with other mommies, I'm sure that you will eventually meet your lifetime friend(s).

Sorry you are having to go through this. Hope this helps.

You have differing values than them... and it does NOT diverge nor compliment each other.

You are angry... because, their behavior is not comparable to yours.

Friendships, ebbs and flows... or disappears. Per your #1 question. I have had that happen, too. But I don't push it, nor do I expect... what I expect... because people are different and life changes and lifestyles...

all the best,
Susan

You've received some fabulous advice, A., and I hope you'll read it with the most open-hearted attitude you can muster. The points I think are especially important are (1) that there is a huge difference between needs and wants, and (2) when our expectaions (which are often based on wants rather than needs) are poorly aligned with reality, we suffer from our own angry or sad thoughts.

You ask why you are SO angry. Anger is often, usually, a tip-off that we are "projecting." (It can be extremely helpful to know this, because once we can find it, we understand our strong feelings better and can work through them more quickly.) We judge harshly in others what we can't accept in ourselves, and by focusing on the other person's faillings, we can more conveniently ignore our own. I notice at least three examples with just my first quick reading of your request:

Your friend called you at a time that was inconvenient for you, so you couldn't talk to her for long. Yet when you call at times that are inconvenient for her, you "expect" to to be available to talk, even though she's now a mother of two, one a newborn. You'll be happier if you can simply recognize that people have their own priorities and needs that they must handle before the less urgent maintenance of a friendship, just as you do.

Another example: Your SIL falls for guys who wants more casual relationships, and that bugs you tremendously. Perhaps because you fall deeply for friends who want more casual relationships, and don't like how your heart gets broken.

Third example: You hate your SIL's demonstrative tantrums. Perhaps she's acting out the emotional sensitivity you are feeling inside yourself (That's NOT FAIR! It shouldn't be that way! I want my share! When is it MY turn? etc.) You might even feel a twinge of jealousy that she gets her desires met by being so childishly frank while you suffer silently.

So I hope, for the sake of your future peace of mind, that you will play around with these ideas, A.. People and circumstances don't "make" us feel any particular emotion – you can find two people who receive exactly the same potential emotional blow who have completely different reactions to it. They react differently because of the thoughts they have about what just happened, and with some practice, those thoughts are largely within our personal control. It does take awareness, though, and practice.

And it's worth it. We emerge from that process of maturation much stronger, happier, calmer, people. And more compassionate, too, which is a very good thing for the future of civilization.

Maybe you need to be talking to a therapist about why you seemed to be so consumed with what your SIL's are up to, and why you are taking your friend's actions so personally. You might want to talk to your doctor about your hormone levels (since you mentioned these feelings cropping up after your son was born) possibly affecting your mental state. You might even need to be evaluated for some form of depression. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but in your post you sound really needy and insecure. I don't mean to for this to be a blow to your self-esteem, but in a way this is exactly why I am saying this - it's possible you need to talk to someone about low self-esteem issues.

Dawn now has 2 kids, including a newborn. She's probably exhausted and would love to talk, but when you call it's not always convenient. When she does have a moment to herself, she may just need that moment to be still and quiet. And you said that she DID call, but then you didn't have the time to talk much. If you truly want to be a friend, give her some space. Let her know you are there for her but don't make her feel like you are suffocating her or putting on more pressure than she can handle. Bring over some lasagna so she doesn't have to cook dinner, offer to watch her older child so she can catch a bit of a break, mail her a cute funny card.

As for the SILs - they are not your problem. What the younger one does you may not agree with but it is none of your business. I know its easy to feel anger toward the older one for appearing so irresponsible, but again, it is not your problem. You cannot control the behavior and choices of others. Apologize, then let it go. Start making some positive changes in your own life, focus on where you need to be, then the actions of others might not matter so much.

In regards to your friend, who says you did anything 'wrong?' It sounds to me like you really miss her friendship and understandably. She sort of disappeared in a sense. We all go through changes and having kids is huge. She may very well be tired, overwhelmed or perhaps she has hormonal issues or.... the list goes on. The point is, we can't change what other people do or think. Those are situations outside of our control. I hear how it hurts you to be pushed away and excluded. That's a very real feeling.

It's so important to learn that life happens around us. The only thing we can really do is learn to manage and transform are all the stressful feelings that come up - the hurt, the anger. They rob us of so much - our vitality, our health, the ability to see things clearly, how we are able to perform. Perhaps if you can see the anger and hurt from a different perspective, that it's information - valuable information that things are out of kilter, you can begin to bring some ease to it and that's an important first step to take. Holding on to it won't help you, her, the people around you or the situation. It comes down to how we respond to life's events.

I wish you the best. Know that you really can make a difference for yourself. And please don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. That self-judgement is a heavy load to carry.

First of all your have a one year old son. Congrats for surviving the first year! My husband and I felt like we emotionally climbed out of a cave when each of our children made it to their first birthday. Give yourself a break!

Second, strange things happen at funerals. People do and say things that they normally wouldn't. They don't respond the way the normally do. It is a rough time for people. I would try to forget the whole thing at the funeral.

Regarding your inlaws, Is your husband close to his sisters? If not don't worry about it. If he is try to find a way to let him spend time with them, without you; and try to find a way to make some connection with them -- even it you have to talk soaps or movies, or the weather. I wouldn't get too upset about not being real friendly with your inlaws. It happens in life.

Regarding you friend with the baby. First, the text might have come from her phone, but it might not have been her. Also, even if it was her -- it might not have been her. If you know what I mean. I wasn't myself for quite awhile after my second child was born. It was really different than the first, and I didn't expect that. The second is some what of an emotional let down, because everyone makes a big deal about the first, not so much for the second. I would give her six weeks before calling, at least. In addition, if she has a message on her outgoing message saying she isn't return calls any time soon, I would respect that. I would have to be pretty overwhelmed with stuff to put something like that on my voice mail. Also, she probably has to deal with some family stuff -- inlaws, parents, that type of family stuff. She could also be depressed, and/or having trouble. The baby could be jaudice. She could be having trouble breast feeding. The older child could hate the baby. Lots of stuff could be going on. Give them some space and see how it plays out. My best friend and I had a big dip in communication when I got married, and she was still single. That lasted about six months, then she got engaged and things picked up for us. She purchased a house about an hour from us, and things slowed down. A year later she got a job near my house, and things picked up. You get the idea. And when I say things slowed down, we emailed or talked once or twice a month. Your going to need to give her time and space. If you matter to her, she'll contact you when she gets to the other side of this mess in her life. Then it will be your choice to let her back in or not.

Best of luck! Hang in there.

Hi,

It sounds like your friend is WAY overwhelmed. By leaving the message saying she won't be returning calls, was not a personal attack at you- just letting everyone know that she needs space. I would not take what she said offensively. She is extremely hormonal after just having a baby and trying to juggle two is very hard and takes time to get used to. I would give her time like she said for her to contact you-- maybe she is dealing with a little ppd? Who knows, but she has set a boundary- you need to respect it. As far as your SIL, not sure what to say about them. My advice to you is to find a mom's group or church group of ladies that you can connect with and share friendships. You have alot to offer and you need to find people that can relate to you and befriend you as well. Good luck and let it go about your friend! She will come around when she is ready. She most likely felt pressured by your calls and texts to connect and just for whatever reason, isnt ready.

Take care,

Molly

As far as your friend goes, I would follow her lead. Yes, you can still be friends. She is asking for a little space to get into the "new normal". Going from 1 to 2 kids can be overwhelming! I don't think you have to "fight" for the friendship. It will be fine, just give it some time.
SIL#1 - it's too bad that she doesn't take care of her kids and her parents do, but you have to let that one go. There is nothing you can do about it, so accept the things you cannot change.
SIL#2 - Sounds like she is going through a rough time and is a little off kilter and confused. I would apologize again, even though it sounds like you were really trying to help. And realize that she has to live her life and make her own mistakes.

I think the summary is that you need to let go of the anger - it won't solve anything and will give you ulcers. They are all in tumultuous situations and unfortunately you said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It sounds like they might also be frustrated, confused and angry so you have something in common.

Do something good for yourself that you will really enjoy to take your mind off things. Make a list of everything you like about each of them (might be tough with SILs, but give it a go). Ask yourself what they might like about you. Act as if you would if you love them, even when you may not feel it. Listen to them also and really hear what they want from you. The only person you can do anything about is you. I believe that you can have loving relationships with all 3.

Sorry to hear about your hurt feelings - makes me sort of happy that my family lives far away. I miss them but don't miss the drama! Every family has drama. Maybe you can move far away, lol? It is indeed up to you how to react to it. A little story that stayed with me regarding how we react: someone saw a father totally ignoring his two young sons on the train and spoke up to him very annoyed, asking him to control his kids. The father came out of a daze and said they had just left the hospital where his wife and their mom just died. Knowing that info changed the reaction completely!! It think you may need to pretend you live far away and remove yourself from these relationships for a while, find activities that you and your family enjoy, and be too busy to deal with family drama for a while.
About friendships - the new mom may simply be overwhelmed - 2 kids is very different than 1. Give her time. I have also often pursued friendships and since I am very organized I feel I am always the one trying to schedule get togethers. My desire to see my aquintances from mom's groups was more important that the small amount of time to call/email everyone to suggest a get together. That does not mean my feelings weren't hurt that unless I called, they would not call me.
It also sounds like you could use some "me" time. Could hubbie watch your son one night a week so you can go work out/take a walk/ take a bath/ browse a book store/ take a long nap/ whatever you feel you need. My husband could not commit to being home at a certain time and we needed his income so I understood, but he would give me several hours every Saturday afternoon to go meet friends or take a long walk in a town with stores to browse, or take a bath and read since those are the things I used to enjoy before kids. You are not alone in all these feelings, and I have no real answers, but just know that I would feel the same feelings.

Dear A.,
You said that you only want positive advice, and that you don't really want to hear anything that hurts your self-esteem. Sometimes, the truth hurts our self-esteem, but that can be a positive thing anyway because it is the only thing that will help us change or to truly see things for the way they are. I am not wanting to beat you up for what you shared, but I do hope to help you see the situation outside of your own little bubble. Other people in your life have perspectives that you need to hear, not just your own.
About your SILs, they are spoiled brats who were raised terribly. Their parents are reaping the whirlwind from how they neglected them in their upbringing. I would feel more pity towards them than anger. Their lives are a mess, and with the way things are going, I wouldn't expect any improvement. Just live your life with your husband/children, and don't expect anything out of any of them. Yes, you probably embarrassed your SIL at the funeral. It doesn't sound like you used much wisdom in going there with her. Honestly, if you aren't very close, which it sounds like you are not, then it isn't your problem, and you shouldn't stick your nose in it. You will have more peace by staying out of these things. They aren't your battles, so don't live like they are.
For your friend, give her a break. Don't be so pushy and needy. You have let her know that you care. You have texted/emailed her. She knows. Now, let her have her family time. Let her rest. She will call you when she's ready. Respect her right to have peace right now. She is a new mother (again), and needs to be able to just enjoy her family without anyone else in the middle of it. It doesn't mean she thinks less of you. It can be overwhelming just getting through the day with a newborn. You know this. Let her do what she needs to do. I'm sure she will appreciate you more if you respect her wishes. Nothing is more irritating than someone who just won't leave you alone for a few minutes when you are asking for them to. I would not take it personally, her request that people not keep bugging her. It was a global request, to everyone she knows. She may have a lot of people (even family) that she is trying to get a break from right now. Don't assume she meant that she didn't want to get back to you. The fact that she called is a huge indicator that she wants to talk with you as she is able. Love her as a friend and meet her needs instead of expecting her to meet yours. It will be okay. Just focus more on her needs rather than your own. You will be okay. You haven't lost her as a friend. Don't jump to drastic conclusions.

i agree with laurie with the sister in law. she is still a kid mentally obviouslu\y because her parents have trained her that way and allowed it. just because she is your sister in law does not mean you have to cater to her BS! feed her with a long handled spoon if that. now with your friend you may not have done anything wrong. you don't know what she may be going through, she may have some post partum depression going on and needs to really be by herself. or she may be having some issues at home that you know NOTHING ABOUT! not going to speculate what they could be but she made it clear that she kind of needed to be by herself right now and maybe the best thing that you can do as her freind is give her the space that she needs right now. and sometimes we have to realize that sometimes we outgrow people and sometimes they outgrow us. i hope that;s not the case but that's life sometimes. and when we start having a family our lives change! my best friend of 29 years that was my hanging, drinking, partying buddy took my life changes in stride, she knows i can't be out all night all the time like i used to when i was single and had no children. and when she started going to school full time and got a new long term boyfriend i had to take that in stride also. you both have had children and your way of thinking and your ways of life have drastically changed. i hope that she can get through whatever she is going through and you guys can resume your friendship. good luck

Hi A.. It's all about expectations, yours. You can manage to keep in touch with people with or without kids , some people can't. Perhaps your friend just has to get used to the new baby and balancing it with her first child and doesn't know how to do it any better than seperating herself from people. You haven't done anything wrong. Also remember she DID call you back you just were busy and couldn't talk long.
The SIL thing , the young one, that's easy. Of course she flipped on you. Deep down she knew she was a sucker to spend a week with a man who has no intention of staying and going back to NV. But she has feelings for him and clearly doesn't want to be questioned about it, and most likely you weren't the first person to ask her "why?" you were just the straw that broke the camels back. No matter your tone she was going to take it bad, because she feels ganged up on and she knows her choice was stupid. Stay out of her personal relationships and let her crash on her own, you don't need to get involved in that mess.
Same thing with SIL who doesn't care for her kids. I think you are more annoyed becasue the GP's can't hang with your son as they are busy raising the other grandchildren. If your in-laws are raising them and are ok with it, it truly isn't your place to judge, even though it is annoying and the mother should be raising the kids. If you want the GP's to hang with your son then you might have to take him there and hang out for a couple of hours.
After all is said and done you are a good friend and I am sure a good in-law, you just need to adjust your expecations and realize people aren't going to do things the way you beleive they should be done. We have all been in that boat. I've had a friend who I thought was really going to be my BFF. I realized months later that she was just a friend who would hang out if it was convenient for her and I would always have to initiate the hanging out. Once I realized how she was I adjusted my expectations about her. I don't resent her and yea, sometimes I miss the fun we had but she wasn't a true blue friend so why continue wasting my time? Just step back and let people do what they do and find your place in that. Best of luck

Almost immediately after giving birth, we took pictures and sent out an email giving the details and letting everyone know we were all doing well...Well and happy but tired. We then made 7-8 phone calls to closer family and friends telling them the news and asking them to pass it along.

In the days and weeks after birth...Anyone that tried to pester us instead of wait for our "next update"....Well, I still remember them with a bit of frustration. Seriously, a human being was just ripped out of me. I have not time or desire to gossip with you. I had people calling, emailing, coming over....ARGH! As a new mom, I had no idea how to set boundaries and so spent way too much time talking to others instead of singing to my baby. Too much time cleaning up for company and not enough time staring into those beautiful blue eyes.

As to the SILs. Just let it go. Not everyone is perfect. That includes you and me and everyone else out there. You obviously do not like them and that is OK. The family we inherit does not automatically have to become our best friends. Just be satisfied that you are living your life and they are stuck with theirs.