for the last 2 years i had been doing my best to understand my husband's family but it had come harder and harder. Keep in mind i love them to death but i have my rules regarding my 8 months daughter. When i was pregnat they wouldnt even speak to me, at birth they didnt even show up more than 5 minutes at hospital, When i was ready to go to work they ask to babysit and i accepted. I advice them since i work long hours to at least send me pictures of my child here and there. well everything started ok and am not going in details but his mom is very controling. Im ask every second why i do stuff and how to take care of my child. 3 weeks ago grandma was in the hospital. Now to let you know grandfather have alheizmer , they dont talk about it and to my knowledge now he is not allowed to drive, he still recognize people and looks fine to me, but Not to babysit my child alone. Since my husband left work to take care of our child they turn there back and told myhusband it was ridicuolus for me to not let him watch her alone. Now is been 3 weeks that they dont talk to me and still babysit and now i dont even get pictures of my daughter when am working 12 hour days and dont see her for 2 days on and off. His sister call me a stupid person making ridiculous rules cause i want pictures of my child and because am not comfortable letting her dad watch my babygirl. I have other people that can babysit and i dont want my daughter to not know her family, but sometimes i feel enough is enough. If i dont do what they say am a selfish person that make stupid rules. Not to say when his sister that is single and never had a kid told me that she will not send me pictures when she take care of her because she is to busy with her, not to say she spend half of the time on the phone taking pictures of my daughter with her and putting her on her facebook. to her i was a demanding freak. Am confuse because am not going to live my life doing what other want me to do with my daughter, Mother in law always telling me what to do and how to do it and am nice enough that i let her talk. im on vacation right now and i really dont know if i should keep bringing my daughter there, plus i dont think i should change my mind about the grandfather with alheizmer. I told them that if they let us talk to the doctor of his and ask him if he could we will accept, but they wont allowed it... my life is been miserable since i got here but i dont want to destroy what i have with my wonderful man i have. Im very respectful to others and i dont usually stand for myself when it comes to this issues because at the end they are my husband family.........
so we did the talk with my husband parents, and they pretty much told me that since the day they meet me they never care for me. we ask not to allowed FIL to babysit since he have alzheimer and she blow righ there that he watch aleah for more than 8 hours when she go shopping, we asked to speak with his doctor and they say no. she got up told me that i was not a good mother and she is done seen her grandchild, i had to stand and kick her out of my house, my husband had to tell her to respect the mother of his child, they say am not good mother or todd a good father because we dont take our daughter to disney all the time.. ok now to me that is patetic, just because my husband works there i dont need to have a 8 months old baby going to disney every 5 seconds, we are horrible because we care for the save of our child then so we are... Now i have my husband miserable because he says they are his parents anyway, but i advice him my daughter is not seen his parents without my presence,,, as normally they are talking crap behind my back over and over, i never had to go through this and it hurts so much for my daughter, but i had to stand for myself, is that something wrong?
If you can do private day care then do it.
I can tell you from experience the primary care givers for someone with Alzheimers are the last to realize how bad things are. It is not that they are diminishing your concerns they are in denial about how bad things are.
Do yourself a HUGE favor and find a daycare or a private babysitter for your child.
My mother has alzheimers and there would have been no way that I would have allowed her to keep my baby alone. NONE! I love my mom and she was the BEST mom in the world but that disease is terrible and she became someone I didn't know. Violent and had no compassion. She would do things that we not normal. He is NOT to be trusted with your baby. This is not a slap at him, its the disease.
You need to find another place for your child's day care needs. This is not a good environment.
What does your husband have to say about any of this?
My Gramps is in Stage 4...it can go very quickly from Stage 1 to 4, and it can take years. So I agree with you on the not letting him watch her alone. They may be your husbands family but so are you and your daughter. Does he back you on this? What is is saying?
Have you guys tried to look for an Alz family group? They may have ideas and ways to communicate your concerns to the rest of the family without causing drama.
As for the Grandfather issue... no do not let him watch her alone. If her grandmother is in the other room or part of the house, yes that is fine. If nobody else is at the house, then no. Sadly nobody knows when the slope of going to the next step is going to happen and what could happened. My grandpa still remembered most things most days and still knew who everyone was. He was still living on his own and driving. Then one day he was cooking himself lunch ( something he has done every day) and he forgot he was cooking and left the pan on the stove cooking. Thankfully it never started on fire but when my mom got there she said you couldn't even see in the house the smoke was so bad. When mom asked him why he didn't get out when he heard the smoke alarms, he said "oh is that was that noise was". They unhooked the stove and would only let him use the microwave. Well the next day he put a metal pan in the microwave and blew it up. Just because he can remember people and things like that doesn't mean he is safe for your daughter to be around him alone.
As for your sis in law... If she feels your "stupid" then no, I would not let her watch your daughter either.
As for your mother in law.. she is walking on thin ice and I more than likely wouldn't let her either because of how she is treating you. Family or not if they can't respect you then why do they need to watch YOUR daughter.
Next step for me would be to talk to your husband since its his family and put them all in their place. This is HIS place to do that. If he can't have your back then I would put your foot down and tell him that you will not be disrespected anymore and find a new daycare for your daughter.
I'm sorry your going through this and wish your husband would have stood up to his family the first time this happened. They may be his family... but you and your daughter are his main family and should come before that part of his family.
I agree with you on the grandfather. Stand your ground.
I agree with your SIL on the pictures. I have been a working mom for 14 years and have 4 kids and never, ever would I have expected people to send me photo updates of my kids during the day. That is too much to expect. If you miss your baby, look at the photos that you do have of her when you want to, but don't expect a caregiver to do that for you.
If things aren't working out with your ILs baby-sitting and you have other resources, use them. This doesn't sound like a situation that is working well for anyone.
You are 100% correct that you cannot let your husband's grandfather watch your child alone. Even in the earliest stages, Alzheimer's affects short term memory and judgement. He could forget he's supposed to be watching her, and leave the house without her. Or worse, he could decide to take her out for a walk and leave her somewhere. They can seem fine one day, and do something totally bizarre the next. That is the nature of the beast.
You need to do what's best for YOUR child. Your in-laws seem to be forgetting that she is YOUR child and not theirs. If you make decisions that seem unreasonable to them, then so be it.
M.,
Why isn't your husband stepping in here to help with this situation?
You definitely should not leave your baby with the grandfather!
Good luck and God bless,
Victoria
Good for you and for your husband for standing up to them.
When things calm down a little bit, and it's a quiet moment, thank your husband for standing up to them. Tell him that you can't imagine how hard that was to do, and that you know he is hurting because of it, but that you are proud of him and love him even more for defending and protecting his baby daughter from an unsafe situation. He supported you and the baby, now support him as he struggles with this. Show him (physically if need be) how much you love him and respect him as the provider and defender of your family.
You spoke of having other arrangments for daycare-make those arrangements. Then wait a few weeks, and invite the family over for a picnic (check with your husband if he thinks its a good idea), and extend that olive branch to them. Smile, and keep smiling, and don't let them goad you into retaliating against them.
Whatever else they may think/feel, they are probably really hurting right now and may be in denial about the Altzheimer's -- it's a devastating disease and they are all suffering, and you're probably the easiest scape goat they can find to blame (instead of dealing with their feelings about the Altzheimers). If your husband can/is able, he should join a support group for family members of Altzheimer patients, and encourage hims mom and sister to do the same.
