Expectations from Inlaws

I honestly cannot imagine someone--anyone--calling and expecting me to drop what I'm doing to leave my house and help with something that is not directly related to an immediate health crisis. That said, you likely would not say to them what I would say: "No, I can't leave right now. This is when I can help with that."

You don't need to try to change them. You need to change how you respond to them (which you have) and how you allow your refusal to make you feel. For one, stop explaining to them what you are doing. That only opens the door for them to criticize it and argue with you about whether or not it's more important than what they need, which will never be the case. When they call and ask if you're busy, say yes, and ask what they want. Take control of the conversation. Here's what that looks like:

--Hello?
--Hey...you busy?
--Yep, what's up?
--I need you to come over and pick up this rug, so I can clean it.
--I can't do it today. How soon do you need it lifted?
--Right now.
--Okay, well I can't get to it now. When is your deadline for having it lifted?
--Friday.
--Okay, let me see what my week looks like, and I'll let you know when I can get over there.

Stay firm, and don't talk like you're thinking it over. As soon as they start "getting mad" or once someone says, "NEVER MIND!", you say, "Okay, we'll talk to you later." And then you high five each other for sticking to your guns and go back to hangin' with your peeps.

Don't try to change them. Fix your boundaries. Congratulations on your progress.

Sure, I can help next weekend.

Today is not good. I have work tomorrow and the whole week. I'm doing what I had planned for today. The rest of the week, I'm doing what "the man" has planned for me. I'm sure the rug can wait till next week.

It's just an old people thing. They get something in their head they want to do and are surprised when they can't do it themselves, frustrated that nobody else cares about that one detail, and are on their own time table. He's probably thought about how he was going to do it for that whole week, but it didnt turn out as planned. It's frustrating to get old.

Ignore what you can. It was not wrong to have your own time together. Your H handled it fine.

how often do you visit the in laws?? when you are there.. can you ask if they need help with any little thing? move this lift that.. whatever.. .. I can understand your point that moving a rug on a sunday afternoon is not a critical need.. it is not like he called to say the MIL fell and they needed help to lift her off the floor..

but keep in mind.. that they are getting older and it is frustrating for them to not be able to do all the things they used to do. a few years ago.. mil and fil could do all the house hold chores without help.. ..now they need help.

also.. be aware.. that these types of events.. can also signal the very beginings of alzheimers/dementia.. so watch for that too.

I would quit arguing about things with them. When they ask him/you to do something, either say "sure, we'd be glad to do xyz" or "oh, i'm sorry, we're not able to do that" - there's no need for the conversation to go any further with you guys explaining what you are/aren't doing or you guys chiding them for not giving you notice... Let it be their problem rather than yours and don't stress about it.

I agree 100% with Mymission. It's frustrating to realize that you can't do a task yourself and have to rely on other people and plan in advance. It's an annoying part of aging that some folks don't handle gracefully. Maintain your boundaries but be compassionate.

Have your husband be better prepared to answer the "are you busy?" question because it will probably be followed by a request. He can probably head off a lot of tension just by carefully responding to that question: "you know dad I am tied up now, did you need help with something?" [pause, wait for an answer] "OK I can swing by after work on Tuesday and take care of that for you." If that's not soon enough, your IL's will have to just deal.

Here's the thing. Your husband has told them several times that he needs advanced notice. They seem bound and determined to force him and his sibling into accepting treatment as if they were children again, when a parent can say "do this now because I'm the parent". His father, instead of trying negotiate the fact that he screwed up, he starts arguing with them. MIL gets mad that she's not going to get what she wants done and starts yelling too.

My advice is for your husband to talk to his brother and get on the same page here. If they BOTH say to them "Folks, we love you, but you are being very pushy and self-centered, calling out of the blue for non-emergency things. We are sticking with what we've told you before. If you want help with something, you have to give us x amount of notice. We have our own families now. We work hard all week and our family time is precious. You don't get the decide if we aren't busy. You need to accept that you have to have an appointment with us. No more yelling on the phone at us and barking orders."

If either of the boys cave to them, you'll just get more of it. And when you do agree to go, take care of the issue, whatever it is. If it's beyond your scope, tell that too, and instead, get someone out to do the work or give them an estimate. That will help them prevent getting scammed.

seems to me that when he asks if you're busy, that's a clue that he's going to ask for help. So, when you hear the question, make a snap decision - either say you are busy or expect to be going over to help with something.

I really don't understand why it would take two people to get a rug out from under a bed, but I don't know your in-laws physical condition so it may very well have required two people BUT it's not like the house was going to fall down of the rug didn't get vacuumed! There was nothing wrong with hubby saying 'no' just like there was nothing wrong with MIL saying "never mind." In fact, if I had heard that, I would have run with it "There, you see, Dad, it can wait. Maybe we can do it next weekend." End of conversation.

I so hope I never do anything like this to my kids. I hope I can be a boundaries-respecting, considerate adult. Our kids aren't our slaves. Your husband was right to say, "no," especially since your in-laws have been told multiple times that they need to give advanced notice.

H Looloo gave you excellent advice.

You really do need to adjust your mindset when you pick up the phone. I am very aware of how things being worded can affect the response you receive. Whenever I call someone in need of a favor, I never ask "what are you doing?"... I ALWAYS want to leave room for the person to save face and say they are busy, if the favor is something they don't feel up to doing at that particular time.

It is usually pretty obvious when someone is calling to ask for a favor, so I try to get it out of the way.. "Hey. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time... I have a favor to ask." Often I get "Oh.. ?" and then I will proceed with my request. They are then free to oblige, or to say they are unable to do whatever it might be. No explanations needed. If a person leads with "What are you doing?" then it creates the need for an excuse later on if the person isn't inclined to help. And I neither want to make someone come up with an excuse, nor make them feel "trapped"...

Most people, I think, however, just ask "What are you doing?" as idle "how's the weather?" to fill space, until they get around to the real point of their call---the favor. They don't always even want to KNOW what you are doing. But asking it alters the course of the conversation.

So... knowing that... when someone (your in-law) calls you and says, "What are you doing?"... plan in advance what you will say. Would you tell them you were in the bathroom if they had rushed you out of the toilet to answer the phone? Probably not. You'd be vague. So you know HOW to be vague. Now do it when you are just sitting around being with family.
Skip the question... and get right to it:
the caller: "What are you doing?"
you: "What's going on with you?" or "Hey! What are you up to today?" or "Oh hey. What's up?"
Then PAUSE. Do not offer more information. Wait. They will get to the point of the call, and you will be free to accept or decline, without the pressure of having said you are just sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons with the kids. Which may sound silly and trifling, and useless... but we all know that sometimes, time like that with the kids is priceless.

As sorry for you as I feel (and I truly DO feel sorry for you and your hubby!), I couldn't help read your post with a smile and a huge sense of relief that I do not have these kind of inlaw issues! There is an easy fix to this, you know (well, okay, it's not that easy), which is to move far away! I wasn't able to live locally to my mother, so I moved several states away, and it was the smartest thing I ever did.

No, it was NOT wrong that your husband said no to his dad! It was 100% right. One of the best gifts people can give themselves in life is to say no!!! I used to not know how to say no to people, but I do now! Drama and guilt (or attempted guilt) from the inlaws is unacceptable, so I got away from it! If you or your husband has a job that can be transferred somewhere else, I would seriously consider moving. Or, make a decision to move and start looking for jobs out of state. However, if you love living in Louisville and cannot imagine living anywhere else, your husband will have to continue saying no to them and deal with their drama. Good luck!

No, this was not an emergency and should not warrant you all dropping everything immediately to do. His parents were frustrated that they could not do this on their own. I would have done exactly the same thing as you did. If you start giving in on these types of things, they will start calling you for this type of stuff all of the time. I knew someone that worked within a few minutes of where her elderly mother lived. Her mother would call her at work and expect her to come over immediately to open a jar for her. Obviously, an emergency would be different.

You've gotten good advice, I just wanted to say please be supportive of your husband! It sounds like you are, but we get so many questions on here where the hubby is a wet noodle who won't stand up for his family and your husband is doing just that, standing up for his family! Let him know how treasured it makes you feel that he puts you first and is working to set reasonable boundaries with his parents.

I don't see any urgency in vacuuming a rug that is under a bed. It seems the parents could wait until the next time one of the kids is around to help with lifting the bed.

It wasn't wrong at all. Your husband is doing what he should be doing, taking care of his family.

You will miss them when they are gone. So he could have taken the kids with him and had a special visit with grandma and grandpa. He has always been the helper, you said it yourself. So, of course, they expect him to help. Just have him tell them that he will no longer be helping without a week or two notice. Of course, IMO that's nuts. If we call for some help for something our kids are always happy to come by that day as long as they are not working. His parents, I am sure, dropped everything for him growing up. It's the least he can do for them.

I can't imagine asking a family member to come over and help me move something as a part of house cleaning. If I ask my dad or my bil to come help with something at a moment's notice, it's something big - like when Hurricane Isaac knocked a tree down in my yard and I needed to borrow a chain saw to take it apart and dispose of it. And even then I asked them to come as soon as they could, but not to interrupt whatever post-storm cleanup they were doing.

It's good to have boundaries and say no when you have family time. Good for you for staying strong. Guilt is hard to deal with, but you did great. If they can't do something themselves, then they need to be patient. We all need to wait a bit and plan ahead when we need help, so why should it be any different for your in-laws. Of course if it was an emergency or something super important, I'm sure you would have jumped up to help.

I am trying to figure out where parents of adults still think we are supposed to drop everything and come a runnin...
And some of the family members are so well trained they annoy the heck out of the rest of us.
I was on a trip to Colorado to see my son and my parents knew. I hadn't seen my son in one year! I was so excited. Well, I let my brother know ahead of time (who just went on a cruise btw) and he said I was stupid to do that and my sister texted me in colorado because she was all ticked off. why? because my parents were moving! And they were moving near me? So who told them to do that? And my stepfathers job is about across the street from where they moved. Not my choice but somehow that meant I was supposed to take care of them. UGH.
Alright, sorry here, I'm venting aren't I? Upshot of this my trip was tainted by that and then when I came back we were still expected to help move furniture around. etc.etc.etc. Alright shut me up...anyway NONONO it wasn't wrong. We are grownups! There. thanks. Helped me, too.

I think you should screen your phone calls. If the caller id says it is them and you are busy, then don't pick up. They will learn to give you advance warning if you are never available at the last minute.