Ex Husband Issues

this is just my opinion, so take what you want and leave the rest...

You can't make him be a dad.
You can't make him put his child first.
You can't make him exercise visitation.

All you CAN do is make sure dad remains in a positive light and you make your son available for visitation if your ex decides to exercise it.

You're in a bad position. You're always wondering if he's going to come or not, what's going on, and why he's not thinking of his son and wanting to spend time with him.

I understand your son may not want to go with dad, but not much you can do about that either. If your ex wants him, your son has to go. It's not an option. That's his dad. Some things are optional, some aren't. Hard to explain that to a 6 year old though.

In my opinion, I would stop putting in so much effort to try to make your ex be a dad. You're making yourself crazy. I would back off a bit and let your ex come to you. Make sure your son is available during his appointed visitation times, but don't make it seem like you guys are standing around waiting for him to call or come by (so your son doesn't pick up on this).

It's not your job to FIX things b/t dad and son. I think it IS your job to make sure your son knows his dad loves him, but you can't force your ex to do something he clearly doesn't want to do, which is step up and be a real father... He either will or he won't and I doubt your efforts will sway him one way or the other...

As much as I would like to be able to "make" all parents act like parents in t his world - we can't. You can't make him focus his priorities, do the right thing or be a dad - anyone can be a father - it takes a special person to be a dad. If I were you, the only thing that I would do differently is make sure that he is the one who explains to your son why he isn't coming. And don't make a big deal out of it...just plan fun stuff for your son when he bails. Good luck - I know your situation is awful, but try to make the best of it.

My ex use to be this way. My attorney told me if my ex doesnt show up or shows up late I dont have to make my kids go for that weekend. Also I never told my kids that he was coming so it was a suprise if he did. But now he is always there when he is suppose to, I knwo its good for the kids to get to know him. but I wish I didnt have to share. Hes the one who decided to quit on our marriage and the kids are the one to suffer its not right.

Erika gave great advice!

Make sure your son is ready when his dad is supposed to pick him up, but if he doesn't show, maybe have different plans set aside, so that you don't feel like you and your son's weekend is wasted.

It's great that you don't talk bad about his dad. You don't need too, your son will figure it out all on his own! Only his dad can mend the relationship.

You can't force him to be there for his son. He'll figure it out, and if he doesn't, you and your son will have that much stronger of a relationship.

L.,
I was Divorced in 1981 and my ex was never consistant with visitations with his daughter. He always came before anyone thats why we got divorced. Let me just tell you, you can't change people, you can't make him want to spend time with your son, if he doesn't want to then it's his loss. You have to set a schedule and if he won't follow it well than he doesn't see his son. Its not fair to either of you, your son and you, to have him call an hour before to come get him, If you set a schedule and he isn't there on time, Leave! so if he shows up late it's his loss, we can't make people do things we want them to do or wish they would do, you have to love your son enough to set boundries and if your ex doesn't want to live by them well his loss. Your son needs stability and to know he's loved, at least you show him that! Good luck, its been years for me, I raised my daughter till she was 10, on my own, then found the man of my dreams, he was in MA and I was in FLA at the time, we were married less than a year after we met over the phone and we still are married almost 17 years and have two beautiful boys! anyway, take it from an old woman and I have been around a while! You concentrate on you and the happiness of your son and you will be alright! Let hm know you love him and God loves him and hopefully his Dad will wake up some day!!!!!
Good Luck and God Bless
M.

Hi L.,
You have gotten great advice but I wanted to share from the child's viewpoint. My dad was a lot like your sons it sounds like. We are still not close, and I only blame him. My mom did bad mouth my dad, and I resented her for it for years. I do see for myself the situation and I know where responsibility lies within both of them, however I never held her accountable for when my dad would not show up. I don't think I would be sitting around though to see if he was going to come. This was painful for us (I am a twin) and I would document each time he comes, when he picks up and drops off, and when he doesn't show. I would request he call the night before to confirm he is coming, but if he does not call, I would make plans as usual. Keep your documentation to show the judge (if it came to that) that you never know if he is coming or not based on his history. It is tough for the kid, but we are smarter than you may think and will and do understand what is going on. Keep positive and treasure all your days with your lil' man....that daddy is sure missing out. He will regret it in the future....just make sure you handle each day so that you will have no regrets.

Good luck.

L.---I went through a very similar situation. I didn't bad mouth their dad for a very long time until one day my 6 year old said to "YOU told me he was going to be here at 6!" That's when I had had it. I immediately told him "NO, your DAD said he would be here at 6, because that is what he told me."

It's not fair to you to always keep your plans and options open to be able to make up for your ex's shortcomings. Unfortunately, this is what you have to do until your child is old enough to see it for himself. Trust me, one day he will.

As long as you can continue not to bad mouth him in front of your son, one day when he is old enough he will know the sacrifices you made for his sake and how difficult it must have been for you.

Good luck. This situation may eventually resolve itself. You ex may one day realize that he has lost so much time already. Even if he doesn't just know that there is a reason God made you your son's mommy.

My husband went through similar stuff with his ex-wife and now we have custody... I think it is GREAT that you want your son to see his dad but 2 things I want to piont out from your paragraph: 1)son does not want to go 2) Bending over backwards
You need to only bend over backwards for your son and not your ex. Sit down with your divorce decree and look again at the visitation. If pick up is at 6pm or 3pm (or whatever)then after 15 minutes from that times, legally he returns to your respnsibility. If he calls on Sunday, you need to express that he gave up his weekend when he did not show up at his assigned time. You need to make him follow your papers to the letter. He will either step up and be a man or go away. That is his decision. Show your son that you will stand up for your son. Show your son you love him!

L. we are in the same situation, except I have a daughter. Men don't realize how difficult it is to take care of children by yourself. I don't think it's fair for single mothers to have to bend over backwards for a lack of a man being A MAN. My daughter made a comment to me one day that proved that children soon see for themselves the truth no matter how bad we as moms try to protect them. Like you, I make it a point not to bad mouth her dad and she has realized herself at 6 that she's not one of his top priorities (if on the list at all). One day she said, "Mom, my daddy said he was going to buy me (I forgot what it was) but I'll believe it when I see it."

I don't even press the issue of him being in her life, I just know that I have to show my love and affection for her even more because of her not receiving it from him. Don't be so h*** o* yourself trying to make sure your son knows his dad, that's not your job. If he doesn't want to be there, trust me he will be the one to pay for it later in life. He will grow old and need someone to take care of him and will be expecting your son to be there, but the bond won't be there. Just do the best you can at raising your son with proper Christian up-bringing and if possible see if your church offers like a big brother, or father son mentoring program for little boys without active dads in their life.

If they don't, maybe you should suggest they start a program like that. Don't give up or get tired, your son needs you, but as far as your ex is concerned, don't contact him to remind him or confirm anything because if he wants to be there bad enough, he would be. Maybe you can substitute "mother son" time on those weekends and set aside activities for the two of you only. I know I've rambled on and I apologize, just a personal, sensitive topic. If you ever want an ear to vent, I'm hear for you. Be encouraged and I wish you the best. P.S. Talk to your son about the possibility of not going to dad's anymore and see how he feels. (you said sometimes he doesn't want to go anyway) I know he's just 6, but if he's anything like my 6 year old, he has his own little personality.