Do You Have to Ask Your Husband to Go Out?

Talk to him about it. Tell him that you plan on seeing family more often and that after work he is more than welcome to join you there. Have food he can easily eat and do not do it daily. I do not understand why he does not join you to begin with.

Does he understand ANY of this?

My hubby and I do things together when we are both around. So yes, I ask him, but I rarely go out without him.

The evolution of marriage changes a bit with time.
The pleasure you received by making him the number one person in your life is not as fulfilling now as it once was, mostly due to "familiarity".
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to venture out, but it's definitely going to seem like an "over night" thing since you've kept your feelings "bottled" up too long.
There are two ways to do this, the first way would probably cause undo strife in your relationship due to the fact that immediate change makes most people freak out, this would happen if you downright told him "I'm gonna start hanging out with family more often and you can fix your own dinner from now on".
Number two would be a little longer in the making as you would slowly but surely transition things... Start leaving dinner in the fridge for him and leave a loving note stating how long he has to nuke it and you will be home shortly. Also, start communicating with him about how "so and so is doing this or that, I think I'm gonna run over there Thurs afternoon and hang out for a bit..." You dont ASK him, you gently let him know you are going to do it, and then just do it. He'll learn to be more independent.

How about inviting a family member to your house for dinner? Pick a "couple" where the guy is the most friendly and you think eventually your husband will get along well with him. If you have a big family, as it sounds, it's likely tough for your husband to join in unless he has a naturally outgoing personality. Then it can spiral down bc he's uncomfortable and everyone else has someone easy to talk to so why keep trying with your husband which makes him more uncomfortable etc? I know I do much better getting to know people in small settings. So could you invite your family to your house in very small numbers?...

Well, this is something you need to work out in your own mind before you work it out in his. You say you get mild anxiety when you are invited to visit family because of this. EE, that's not normal. You need to get some help with this.

You have every right to eat with family, to enjoy family, to go be with them as long as it isn't all the time. No, you shouldn't be babying your husband. If he truly can't cook, fix something before you leave and put it in the frig, ready to be microwaved. Leave him a note, or tell him in advance.

Look, if he thinks "something's up" because you're with family, then he's being a jerk and you shouldn't stand for it. If saying that he doesn't want to go keeps you home, then you are enabling his social aversion to being with other people. Why would you do that? He's acting like a little kid "I don't wanna and I'll pout and starve myself til you do what I want" and that's not good for a marriage.

Go talk to a counselor about this. You need to get back to having a life outside of just your husband and your husband can sit at home by himself or enjoy life with you outside of home.

And the answer to your question? No, I don't have to ask my hubby to out. I don't have to ask to go out of town. Heck, I don't even have to ask to go overseas. We work it out together. We care about each other and understand wants and needs. And if it's not a good time for either of us to go? We don't go! It's that simple!

Dawn

I do not ask my husband if I can go out. I let him know but I do not ask permission, I'm an adult. I just say to hubby "hey, I'm going to dinner with Sally, you are on your own for dinner". No issues or worries. Have a conversation with him.

**Adding This:
Part of the anxiety of this is... your assuming that your Husband will react a certain way. So it is self-imposed worry.
Or perhaps, your Husband does not even feel, that way at all???? Thus you may be worrying about nothing.
OR... he is the way you say he is... and he thinks you are "rebelling?"
Why on earth... would a Husband think his Wife is "rebelling"... for just wanting to go out with her family????
That is odd.

Either... your Husband is odd and controlling and acts like a baby. Or, maybe your family is being nit-picky about your Husband.
Or, you are assuming things that are not even an issue, hence you worry yourself.
Or, your Husband has absolutely no social skills nor any normal sense of relationships and he keeps you chained to the house and is overly controlling of you and/or, a dictator... about what you do.

The thing is: married people do NOT have to only go out with each other, they can go out independently too and have friends and family. And that is normal.
It is odd... that with your Husband he doesn't even want to socialize with your family (maybe he has a reason or not), and you feel guilty about going out without him and think your Husband will think you are "rebelling." And amongst all of this... your family thinks your Husband is not "cool" and that he doesn't like them etc. But has your family even been over to YOUR house... and hung out there or tried to get to know your Husband, too? Instead of them always expecting your Husband to make the effort? Does your family... ever, reach out to him? Or do they just always assume the worse about him?
But sure, your Husband seems... socially... isolated. And he has a job?
-------------------

So my question is:

1) HOW was your Husband, before you both moved there???
In the previous place you lived... did he have friends and a job and a normal social life????
Or did you still have to baby him?

2) And, do you ever speak up to your family... explaining that he is "shy" or whatever, so that your family does NOT misconstrue your Husband's character??? You can tell them, after all... that he is not being anti-social or ignoring them... but that he is very shy or introverted etc. Just because your family thinks he's uncool... doesn't mean that you have to just let them think that and agree with them. You CAN speak up for your Husband, and defend him to your family... even if he is not there.
Your "dedication" should be, toward defending your Husband.
If my family were bad mouthing my Husband, I would speak up right there... and CORRECT them.... so that they do NOT disparage my Husband wrongly.

3) And if this the first time... (since you moved there) that your Husband has met your family???? It seems like he has never met them before or does not even know them, even if he is married to you.

4) As you said, you babied him when you moved there.
So you brought this on.
BUT he is also an Adult himself.... and he is also capable and responsible... for helping himself, and having a normal social life. Whether that is with friends or family.
He is NOT, a baby.

5) Or maybe he is Depressed... and does not like living in your current place??? Did he move there willingly? Or was it only your idea??
And, where is HIS family???? Do they visit you all????

6)You and your Husband, need to talk about this. In a respectful and calm manner. You feel stuck in the middle, he does not interact, maybe he feels all alone... being YOU have family there and he does not.
But you are both married... and there are responsibilities as a Spouse, to interact in an adult way, with In-Laws, too. Provided the In-Laws are respectful to him, too.

My Husband and I do not have to ask permission to go out.... without each other. But we run it by each other, just to check on each others schedule and/or whatever we may have planned.

We definitely run things "by eachother" to make sure that we don't mess-up other plans, but no I don't have to ask my husband permission to go do things nor does he have to ask me permission. I am not his mother, nor am I his child. We are partners in this crazy life and respect eachothers need to be around friends and family both as a couple and sometimes as individuals.

You need to start living your life. Stop treating him like a baby. Maybe he won't mind it as much as you think he will. Don't worry about what he *might* think -- you are projecting.

If he has questions about what you are doing, just answer them when he asks, or tell him ahead of time: "I am going out with Suzie," or "I am going to visit my sister."

To answer your question: No, I don't have to ask my husband. If I waited for him, I would have no social life. So I do what I want.

Grandma T. has good specific advice on how to make your transition to becoming an independent person again.

Have you tried talking to him and explaining that the more he goes, the more comfortable and "cool" he will be with your family? Is he shy? Doesn't know what to say to them?

After you talk to him about it, then just start telling him what the plans are, ask him to join, but if he declines, then go yourself and don't worry about his dinner. I'm sure he can find something to eat if he's hungry enough or since he has a vehicle, he can go out on his own to get something.

I think you should sit down and talk with him, telling him exactly what you wrote here. I also think you should ask him if he would be willing to join in a few family gatherings for you.

Um... sweetie... I really am worried from reading this. I don't know EXACTLY what happens in your life with your husband but perhaps you need to speak to a relationship therapist? ASAP. Even if there is no reason to be worried, if you are feeling so unhappy and are unsure of how to handle this, a therapist may be able to assist the two of you in finding the root of the problem and work through it. Good luck, sweetie.

I'm so sorry.
My husband has always been less inclined to hang out with my family than I am with his (though I can't say I blame him, my family is a mess!)
But still, there needs to be a certain level of give and take on both sides. Refusing to spend time with the in laws is disrespectful to the spouse, IMO. Even if you don't really like or have anything in common with your in laws you still owe your spouse the courtesy of spending some with them, once you get married and have kids they ARE family, there's no getting around it.
Try talking to your husband about how torn you feel, and remind him that even if he doesn't "love" hanging out with your family it's still important to you and the kids that he be a part of it.

Do you invite him to things and he declines? If so, is there a reason he doesn't participate? Do you guys ever do things together? Under most circumstances, a couple should share at least part of a social life out of the house together. If you don't already, maybe you two ought to try doing more things together - regardless if it's with his friends, your friends, your family etc. As a start, ask him if he wants to do something that would be fun for you and him both - a favorite restaurant you two could go to. Even just a movie. Then maybe next time, invite a friend/family member or two to join you.

On the other hand, if he really really doesn't want a social life at all and you two are happy with that (although sounds like this might not be the case) then just go on with your social life the way that pleases you and don't feel guilty about it. He's an adult and can make his own decisions and feed himself on occasion ;) Some couples have that yin and yang on the social scale and it works out just fine.

PS, sorry to answer your question, it's considerate to let your spouse know your plans and invite them along but is not appropriate to need permission from a spouse to go places unless it's more about scheduling child care etc. than getting approval.

Hi Mama
Permission is too strong a word for me. I let him know in advance my plans.
Honestly I don't make these plans often. I was single for years and could do what I wanted and had a great social life.
I met my hubby at 32 yrs and life has slowed down.
Ironically I am meeting my girlfriends tomorrow night. I have to stay overnight as they are a 2 hr car ride and I want to have a drink.
It has been 3 months the last time I saw them.
This is all fine because I am happy with life like this.
As for you ,you want things to change and to go out to enjoy life.
You need to explain this to him, if he doesn't want to go to these family events then be independent and go alone.
Be strong and true to yourself.
You are going nothing wrong,you just want to expand your horizons.
All the best
B. k

I feel like you set a precedent, but he may not even know how you feel about this. be honest and let him know how you feel he may surprise you.

Are you writing about MY life?
After 40 years of this behavior, what my kids do when there's a get together is, one of them calls their dad. To me, he always answers, " I'm not going, you go if you want". If he says no to the one who calls, another one will call and talk him into going. This way, it saves me the drama. And he knows that if he doesn't attend, I don't bring food back with me. If he's not very talkative, he'll get out of it eventually. He is not a baby.
Hope my story helps.

You need to insist he goes to these things with you. The men in your family, for your sake and hopefully because they care about you, need to make more of an effort to get along with him and include him. Your husband needs to make an effort, too, to be interested in enough things that he has something in common with the family you so obviously miss. In other words, everyone here needs to grow up a little. The way all of you are behaving is going to cause serious problems in your marriage later on.

Have a talk with your husband, promise not to leave his side for the next few events. Have a talk with your family and tell them you want things to change. You miss them, you want to continue to come to family events, but your husband feels ignored and it's rude of them to treat him this way. Finally, buck up and stand up for your husband the most. You are married to him and he is the one who will be taking care of you in your old age. That is, unless you let the resentment you are feeling to build to the point that it affects your marriage and your relationship with your family even more.