dLooking For Advise from Fellow Step Parents

I agree with Jo. I have a stepson who is 5 and then we have two little girls 3 yrs and 3 months. My stepson comes every other weekend Fri-sun 5pm and every other Wed overnight. Then we switch holiday breaks year to year and do every other week in the summer. Weekends that we have him are stressful on us too especially since my husband works every other weekend (we get his son on the weekends he is off). The kids get along great and he is a good boy but routines are thrown off a little bit because they are all excited to see each other. The 5yr old and 3 yr old are the bestest of friends and miss each other so much. My husband feels like he has to jam pack our weekends full of fun since he doesn't see his son very often so it is usually non-stop. We are all pooped by the end of the weekend. My daughter and I usually spend Mondays at home just cleaning and catching up on sleep. I would have to say that the weeks we have him in the summer go smoother because it is more consistant and everyone has a chance to get in a groove and we don't feel like we need to be doing something exciting everyday.

You have to remember rules and family dynamics are always different in both houses so it is a lot for the children to adjust to each week. Could you imagine sleeping somewhere different every other week?? I hate going and spending just the night at my in laws every once in awhile.

It took me probably four years to get used to the mania of weekends with my four stepkids. The structured time of the week with school and such is doable, but all that commotion and craziness from Friday night to Sunday night was *really* hard for me to accept. I made a lot of excuses to go out and do long errands on the weekends to escape. I eventually was able to rearrange our house a bit so I had a room of my own I could go to to read or just get some quiet time. The kids knew they weren't allowed in there. Today I still have that room but the kids roam freely in and out, take my pencils, leave their socks on the floor, etc. It was a long process but eventually I adapted. What helped the most was having a kid of my own. It wasn't until that happened that I truly understood the level of patience and respect my stepkids should be getting from me. Once I got that, it made it a lot easier to forgive the mess and noise and everything. But it is a huge undertaking and one that will really challenge you as a person and a parent. Worth it in the end!

Am I reading right that you don't always have all the kids and that there are two different schedules with his children?

Any time the family changes, there is a different vibe. Having SS home, even if he doesn't actually need me, messes with my day. DD wants to hang out with him, he's running his laundry, his alarm eats into my brain, his friend calls the house because SS isn't picking up the phone, or the friend comes in to say hi....

It sounds like you have a FULL HOUSE every other weekend and they are tough because it's not the normal routine, whatever that routine may be. Kids interact differently, expectations are different, even setting the table for 5 and remembering that SS can't eat fish is one more thing that's different. If you find yourselves catering to SD because you see her less, ask yourselves if the time couldn't be better spent another way? If your weekend is go-go-go to entertain everybody, that can be an emotional drain, too.

We almost always have a transitional day (when SD was younger it was more) after a visit where we need to regroup and settle back in. In the summer, it is we who are EOWE and I sometimes still feel like I got caught in a tornado after a weekend.

Bear in mind that 10s and 4s need very different things sometimes and it can take 7 years (or longer!) to really meld as a family. Hang in there. It's gotten better as the kids have gotten older.

Edit to add: No matter how much I care for the sks, there's a part of me that is still drained more by interactions with them more than interactions with DD. I am not worried with DD what might be reported to someone else if I tell her to clean her room or eat her veggies, or that my affections won't be returned or that something won't be appreciated. There's just a difference. There is also a difference between DD and her buddy (friend's son that I've watched off and on since he was 2). If SD has a greater need for attention and she sees DH less...I wouldn't put her on a pedestal, but maybe suggest to DH that he work with her on entertaining herself and/or spend some one-on-one time with her, maybe after the boys go to bed.

I've only being doing the step parent thing for about seven months, but I can definetely relate. My kids are 16 and 14, his are 14 and 9. Every other weekend we go through the same thing you are and by Sunday night I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm entertaining all weekend long.
I am by no means an expert, but the transition is getting easier. This was a good weekend because the kids could all go outside to mess around - still not less mess in the house, but they got to run off some energy. I think its different schedules, different parents and for me anyway I'm always trying to make sure everyone is ok and having fun. I think guys worry about that
less.
Good luck and know that other step parents are right there with you!

My kids are the step kids but I always joke they need a day of detox. My ex is so completely different than me they just need a day or two to adapt to my house.

So you figure how much you life changes when they come over for them there is an added different house, different family.....it takes a bit before they fall into the groove of things.

I would imagine that is what you are experiencing.