Dinner Dilemna

Why send her to her room?
Just let her sit there until the meal is done, then put her plate in the fridge and excuse her from the table. When she is hungry 30 minutes later, put her back at the table and magically her dinner plate will reappear. There is no battle to be had. Only if you make it one.

I'd sit her at the table, even if she doesn't sit the whole time you do. Let her see what everyone else is enjoying. If it's something where you can easily make it simple for her (pasta without sauce/sauce on the side) then do so. I very simply tell DD that she may get down, but if she hasn't eaten enough growing food, she can't have any snacks.

I would say get rid of the 3 bites rule and just let her be. She's decided she's just going to fight you on it no matter what you do!

I would make a "sit at the table" rule. Put tiny amounts of food on her plate and say nothing. When everyone is done eating, she may get down whether she's eaten or not.

She'll probably be surprised the first time you don't say anything. She may even try to argue with you by saying "I'm NOT going to eat three bites!" even if you don't ask her to. If she does say that, then you say "Okay, if you don't want to eat, that's fine" and appear bored with the whole thing.

If she's hungry, she'll eat. But first you have to stop the battle, and the best way to do that is to just not play anymore.

I wouldn't scale back on snacks if she's skinny. Let her eat a healthy snack and forget dinner. If it's HEALTHY and she's EATING, who cares when it is?

My guess is she'll start eating on her own, when she's ready.

There's a neurological thing that happens at apx age 2-5.

Anything the brain has not tagged as edible gets tagged with a "gross! Yuck! POISON! Spit. It. Out." tag.

"Toddler food" and premade babyhood has made this problem a lot more prevalent (it's actually an evolutionary advantage... Kept our greatest grandparents from poisoning themselves to death as toddlers sticking everything in their mouths). Because JUST as parents feel "ready" to start having their toddlers eat "real" things, or get sick of being short order cooks... That neurological flip has happened. And they're screwed.

That's most of the bad news. The only other Debbie Downer part ill put in is this: OCCASIONALLY one can get "new"* foods accepted by the brain by mixing them with old foods. The bad news part is that this only works about 50/50. The OTHER half of the time, the brain says the old food is now ALSO "gag yuck spit it out" in addition to the new food.

* new = ANYTHING not previously consumed many times over. Including, but not limited to things adults forget are food. Like: Herbs & spices & sauces. So adults often accidentally "ruin" a previously accepted food by adding an herb, spice, or sauce... That makes the old standard taste like dog poop.

THAT'S what to keep in mind: Every tagged new food tastes like dog poop.

The same nauseous feeling you get at the idea of spreading dog poop in a Sammie like peanut butter and eating it is the SAME neurological response toddlers get. Even if you think you can hide a tablespoon of dog poop in a soup, or a sprinkle of dog poop on potatoes. It's a pervasive and awful thing.

They're not saying its yucky to be difficult.
They're saying its yucky because dog poop is gross.

GOOD NEWS time?

It's temporary (unless you force her... In which case the effect won't wear off) AND she does eat other foods.

So serve her THOSE foods for the next 3 years. If she likes tuna Sammie's, or cereal, or eggs, or whatever... Just have her waft THAT for dinner.

Will it be "boring"?

Yep.

Boring isn't the end of the world.
Stop being creative.
She'll outgrow it by age 5-6.

I never fought this fight with any of my children, and although my 10 year old is self-restricting on top of having a restricted diet for medical reasons and therefore is in the lower 20%'s on the growth charts, I still have never taken a forceful approach. It doesn't work.

I provide healthy snacks, healthy meal choices, and make sure that their choices have good calorie counts. I allow snacking because we have healthy snacks. When I'm cooking, I allow them to "taste test" all of the cooking ingredients. Very often, my selective eater will eat half a meal's worth this way. I let her "help" make meals and come up with meal ideas because she's pretty creative with the ingredients that she does like (few as they may be). When she gets involved in meal prep then she gets invested in it.

When she asks to buy a new fruit or veggie or other health food, or she asks to try one of my vegetarian dishes out of the blue I immediately get it for her or any of my girls.

She's been this way ever since she got off of stage 1 baby food puree. That's just the nature of Autism for us. We have so many struggles to deal with that food just can't be one of them.

When my kids won't eat what I make, they can have cereal, sandwich or yogurt.

It's really not worth the fight.

So, being a dictator didn't get the results you wanted......

I used to be a dictator too. I learned after making my granddaughter puke every night because she just didn't like what was served.

I decided that dinner time is supposed to be enjoyable and fun not a battle ground where "MY" dictates had to be done.

It's a lie, when kids don't want to eat they won't eat when they get hungry. They're already hungry and then they come to a table that has nothing to offer them. They go away even hungrier. They don't eat and they get sick.

I learned that I don't have to have my way all the time, I am not always right. My granddaughter helps me pick what's for dinner and I know that every night she will eat something because it's what she wants.

For example. I can add macaroni and cheese to any meal, unless it's lasagna or spaghetti....yuck!

I can microwave a half dozen nuggets to put on her plate. I can make her a pb&j fold over sandwich when we're having something she doesn't like.

I have no reason to force this child to taste anything. The more I ignore the problem the less it interferes with dinner. She actually has more courage to taste new things since she feels no pressure from me. I tell her she can try it if she wants to. So she's trying new stuff more and more. Not as much as I'd like but she does every now and then.

Try feeding her more at breakfast and lunch so she gets her caloric requirement and screw dinner. She will grow out of it.

Our experienced day care provider talks about the toddler anorexia (the period of time when toddlers don't seem to eat anything at all). I think most kids do this. When I talked to my pediatrician, she said not to worry about it. She won't starve herself. I'd let it go and reclaim the dinner table! If she is making you guys miserable and ruining dinner time, let it go. Just don't give her anything else to substitute.

One thing that did help us was when I realized she was really filling up on milk. You might want to see if that is happening and then maybe waiting to give her milk after she's had some bites. Good luck!

It's a power struggle. Both our (stubborn!) kids did this at that age. We just went through this with our daughter (who is now 3.5 and is mostly over it). I always feed her what the rest of us were eating and gave her small portions. I just ignored her and what she did and did not eat. I did have the rule that she had to stay at the table till excused. If she did not eat I didn't say anything or worry much. I fed her huge lunches. It seemed to be a phase and now she usually eats great at dinnertime. She is not picky at all and for the most part has turned into a great eater (unlike her brother, but that is another story!).

you know what? You're doing great! Keep with your program & she'll turn around. & if she chooses to go to bed.....then it's her choice. :)

The only change I'd make: you said you scaled way back on snacks. It's time to eliminate ALL afternoon snacks! AND since she's 2....let her help with meal planning & prep. A little bit of pride/ownership & she may eat those meals!

& now for my words of caution: please do not allow her to rely on milk/juice to replace meals. Please do not cave & give her a glass of milk before bed! Good Luck!

Maybe she's just not hungry? My 9 yr old has NEVER been a big eater either. We've learned that you can't turn it into a power struggle. Feed her a good breakfast and lunch, no shacks after a certain time, and if she doesn't want dinner, so be it. Maybe have some fruit and string cheese available if she gets hungry later or in the middle of the night. I know its easier said than done, especially if she's already thin, but really try not to force her if she's truly not hungry.

It is an age phase.
She is 2.
Forced emotion food based power battles, do not work.
It will only predispose a child to dysfunctional food issues, later in life even.

My son was a VERY picky eater since he was a baby.
I say "was".... because he is no longer, a food picky eater.
And all along we did not fight over food, nor force eating nor use rewards or punishments about it... and he is a LANKY tall kid. BUT he is healthy and even our Pediatrician said that he is healthy, and that his BMI is "perfect" and his growth percentiles, AND the Pediatrician praised us and our son, because we taught him to go by and know... his body's cues, for hunger and fulness. Not to eat according to emotions or boredom.
Which the Pediatrician also had to "explain" to Grandma... because SHE was having "problems" with my son's eating. My son is also a "grazer." I know that. MANY kids are this way. Even my Husband is this way. And per the Pediatrician this is a much healthier manner, to eat. Versus eating a whole bunch at one time at one sitting, per meal.

My son is now 7, and though he had a picky palate when younger, he now eats a wide range, of foods. Per his proclivities. And he loves veggies. He even eats things which adults don't eat or which his friends won't eat. ie: like broccoli or asparagus or Artichokes or Kale, or "Poke" (which is a Hawaiian raw fish dish), or Sashimi etc.

And the thing is, even if he was picky, he ate healthy.
Because we didn't have or serve junk food.
He snacked too. Which the Pediatrician said, kids NEED.

The more you fight, the more she will be in control. She will come around. Just stick to your plan. They are smarter than we think at 2. If you can, add some healthy but high calorie foods like Avocado at breakfast and lunch to compensate. Wish you luck to you and your little one.

I'm not sure what time you eat dinner. I find that my children are hungry at 4:30p / 5:00p, and will eat their dinner best at that time. We don't get home until later, so they eat before us with their Grandma. So think about the time you are serving the dinner. We tried to just feed them a small snack to get them through till we would eat dinner (6:30p ish) but by then it seemed they weren't hungry. On the weekends, we all sit down, together and eat. During the week, they can come back to the table at 6:30p and have some fruit or anything else we are eating (if they're interested.)

If calories are important, let her have healthy snacks. She'll come around to conform to dinner time... at that age I always figured if it was 3:30p and she wanted a sandwich or cheese stick or fruit, fine. Its kind of down payment on dinner. If you're worried about her getting enough protein, feed her the protein for her snack.

Also, when they were two, I didn't force them to sit at the table. Once they were finished, they could go play. They've got the rest of their lives to sit at the table. That is just my opinion, though. Good luck.

First, stop any 'bite' rules for now. This has turned into a power struggle with both of you vying for control.

My guess, since she's eating well at other meals (and are you serving relatively the same thing at other meals) is that dinnertime is turning into a 'habit' of her fussing and arguing with her. In short, I think it's the power struggle which is really at the heart of it and less about the food.

This is my take on it, but if it was my kid, I'd just keep putting out the usual food you knew she liked before (even breakfast/lunch options which work) and then just let her walk away from the meal if she chooses to be disagreeable. If not, then let her sit with you. If she's in the habit of engaging you in this power-struggle way, letting her leave the table puts her back in charge of herself. She has no one/nothing to struggle against. This means that if and when she comes back to the table to eat, she will do so more willingly.

That said, leave her dinner on her plate and put it in the fridge, as is. If/when she comes back to you saying "I'm hungry" you can just pull it out and let her have it. No negative comments, just "glad you want to eat, here you go".

I'll say this from my own experience: at this age, kids are horribly temperamental about food. When my son was around 2.5/3 he'd request one thing and then want another. I just ignored the complaining. "This is what we have for dinner. Tomorrow we can have (desired item)." I'll also say that, as a mom with a lot of dietary restrictions, there are shortcuts to making a separate plate for Kiddo. He doesn't care for fish, which we eat a lot of, so I might hard-boil 6 eggs at a time, which he loves (yolks removed, of course-- kids this age often don't like the texture). I cannot eat raw veggies and he doesn't like cooked, so I get all of them sliced up and he eats his as he likes and I cook up mine. He gets a ploughman's plate about 3-4 nights a week: hard-boiled eggs, some cheese, whole grain bread with butter, veggie slices, black olives and some apple slices. Lots of friendly choices on the plate.

Overall, you don't want to get yourself backed into a corner, mom. Consider what's important-- making her eat or neutralizing the power struggle? I think offering some more 'lunch' type items on the plate-- even one-- is worth it in the short term. The point is that you want her to come to the table feeling that she's invested in eating and that this is pleasant. Keep in mind that forcing some foods can cause aversions. There are certain foods I would have come to love in my own time, but for the fact that I was forced to eat them. Now my gag reflex kicks in and keeps me from enjoying them as an adult. Pretty sad.

Make her sit at the table. Fill everyone's plate, but not hers. Then talk amongst yourselves saying chicken is good etc. a few nights of that should change her mind.

We had the one bite rule. No spitting allowed. Are you giving snacks in the afternoon? Snack should be no later than maybe 2:00. And it should be small. And as someone else said don't let her fill up on liquid. So a sip of water/juice/milk with snack and nothing else til supper. Try fixing your meals so there is at least one thing she likes. And is she won't eat them put her down. Wrap her plate and pull it out again for snack. She will eventually get that dinner time is to eat. Unless you put her down and an hour later give her fruit snacks, goldfish and pudding lol. If it works like that she has game plan all figured out and she's winning lol.

My friend has a great quote: Hunger conquers all.

Your daughter can go to bed on an empty stomach, and she will live until morning. Give her what she wouldn't eat for dinner for breakfast. If she won't eat breakfast. Give it to her for lunch. Eventually, she will get hungry enough to eat it. Good luck! Mealtimes are always a battle at my house too. As my kids are getting older, they are getting less picky about their food.

Offer dinner, maker her sit. Don't make her eat. Just offer the dinner. She will not starve herself.. Now, with that said. No after dinner snack, she can eat dinner later, but no snack.

I have one really picky eater and we have stopped fighting him and he is eating much better now.

Of course always offer one thing that she will eat.

Stick to your guns.

Great advice already....just make dinner a nice, relaxing, social time for you both.

Give her just a few morsels to sample or maybe let her have a taste off of your plate. Give her a healthy variety of foods: whole milk, pasta, peas, sausages. My toddlers loved their bacon and sausages and steak, that stuff was rarely passed up.

She's still very young. If you're worried about her weight from not eating, why not give her an extra glass of milk sometime during the day, or after dinner (whether she's eaten or not).