Daughter I've Only Seen Twice Is Coming for Holidays

YOu're the stepmom and Kallie is coming to see her dad - he has to make the time and effort to be there for her. He has to take the lead in introducing her to the family and in integrating her into the family. She's not related to you in any way and may feel uncomfortable if you take too strong a role in acting the mom. You need to step back and let her indicate how comfortable she is with you. Don't assume she is going to want a close relationship with you. Let her lead.

I agree with others who have suggested making sure she has privacy and a comfortable space of her own to retreat to. Let her choose how much time she wants to spend with the younger children. Have meals all together and arrange some age appropriate activities for the whole family, including her dad. You don't know her interests yet, or what kind of kid she is, Take it slow, and let her show you what she needs.

take care, S.

Maybe ask what her favorite "thing" is, and get a comforter or sleeping bag to match for her to sleep in at your house. Find out her interests and participate in them (ie - will she miss gymnastics class...). Make sure she has some personal space in your home to go to when she needs to. Your kids are quite a bit younger - she may be overwhelmed.

PS - at 12 is she menstruating? Have some feminine hygiene products where she can find them in case she's shy about asking.

Good luck! Congrats on a renewed relationship!

She is at that in-between age of being a little girl and wanting to be an adult. And honestly she may just be manipulating to see how far she can get..

If it is possible i think you could have her dad pick her up from the airport to have that initial time with her . And you could be waiting for them at a nearby resturant.
Make sure to ask her if there is something that she would like to do as you hand her a list of ideas both you and your husband normally do.
She might be feeling like she is missing out. Maybe just the normality of your daily living will be enough for her. And i think that if you want to try being her friend and let her know that you are there for her and want to make her feel as comfortable a possible.
A nice letter would be really good , just from you. That her dad could hand her on the way from the airport.

It sound like you already know what to do and if a situation comes up you could always ask mamsource to help. But play it by ear. It also light be nice for you to have a little alone time with her too. Like planning out the menu for the time she will be there and taking her to the grocery store with you. Well i hope this helped. Good luck and god bless

Hi K.,

I think in situations like this it is important to make her feel like she has been a part of your family, not a stranger in a strange house. Before she comes out, maybe you could ask her to bring various photos to add to a photo album, or take tons of pictures and send her home with an album.

As far as when you leave for work, do you have any friends with children her age that she can go out with? Maybe it would be some great down time for her to spend time alone and absorb what is going on.

A few years ago my aunt was reconnected with a child she gave up for adoption. Of coarse, she was 19 by this time, not 12, but my aunt threw a party with all of her relatives, and closest friends so we could all meet her. I think her daughter appreciated the gesture, but was overwhelmed and uncomfortable, so I would introduce people to her little by little.

It's nice that she is coming out for the holidays, I'm sure you will all have a great time!

Merry Christmas!

M.