Dad Is Concerned About Daughter's BF

Updated on February 08, 2011
K.M. asks from Streamwood, IL
8 answers

Ok, so my future BIL has a 15y/o daughter who is very beautiful and very 15! I do not think she understands how to have a mind of her own and that is something I talk to her about and try to set a good example for. I talk to her about guys and make up and clothes and how to be a woman and what is age appropriate. Her father and others think her BF may be abusive, I agree he is a bit controlling and I have spoken to her, in general, about deal breakers and such but I am not yet sure on how or even IF I should bring up these concerns. Over the past 10months, since moving to IL, I have worked on building a relationship with her and all of the other kids but I do not know if this is appropriate to go there yet. Her father has clear dislike for him he is of mixed race and BIL does not like it one bit and has made that clear to her, him, and anyone else in earshot. I am not sure if he says some of the things he says to get people to be against the BF or because they have some truth ... what do you guys think? Is it too soon or not my place, should I just keep going on with what I am already doing?

More info -- Her parents are separated, she is here everyother weekend and her dad ignores her and pays more attention to her brothers than her, there is some question on her being sexually active and she has said to me she is not, I have not met him he lives across town near where she lives with her mom. Her mom is involved but not really invested in her from the picture she paints of her homelife. She does not act like she is being abused having been in a simmilar situation I know many of the signs and other than being controlling I do not see much else there. It is not being left up to me but I do want her to know that if there is something going on she has a safe place to land since no one else seems to be providing it. I am just concerned and do not want her to get physically hurt if it can be avoided.

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answers from Las Vegas on

I'd talk to her about her bf in a casual way that kind of finds out how he treats her. Some people have somewhat of a control streak on certain topics so you have to be specific about that. Her dad could be a bit biased because he's mixed. You said you are building a relationship with her, are you around when her and her bf are together? Sometimes you can sense any hostility or tension between people or can see if he's overly bossy or mean to her. I'd try to be around when the bf is around. Is there a fair at some point where her and her bf can go with y'all? For now I'd just talk to her about her bf.
Have you met him? Generally you can tell if a guy is some thug-wannabe or just a cool guy. It's awesome she's very beautiful, but she'll definitely need guidance so guys don't take advantage of her. Is her mom around or is he a single dad?

Also, he may be (well kinda obvious) racist but how racist is he? Like my dad is a little racist, but with my friend Carlyle (black), my dad wanted me to marry him and stay with him forever because he is such an awesome guy. So a degree of racism is helpful lmao.

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answers from Lincoln on

You lost me when you said mixed race was an issue. Sounds like a bunch of racist people looking for things to validate their thought process. I have learned a long time ago that a racist person will say and do ANYTHING when it comes to getting people to validate their feelings. The guy in question needs to get away from your family ASAP. Sounds like he's the one being abused.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Biloxi on

Hi K.,

As a parent of a teen (boy) and a "veteran" worker in youth development programs let me say -

Please, Please Please don't abandon this girl. All children need an adult that they can trust - it sounds like there are issues with her parents, which makes it even more important that she have someone to give her guidance.

Don't talk negatively about her relationship - simply, when it comes up naturally, talk about what a healthy relationship is. She will hear you and be able to compare her relationship with your good examples. Frankly, so that with all topics. Keep the lines of communication open - it sounds like you are developing a good, trusting, adult/teen relationship with her. Keep at it. Ignore all the naysayers who tell you not to be involved because she is not your child....

after all, it takes a village to raise a child.

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answers from Honolulu on

1) You are the "Aunt"?
Not her Mom.
2) This is your BIL's daughter...
3) So, are they expecting "You" to deal with her and this issue?
4) Are they asking you for help about it?
5) Where is her Mom in all of this?
6) How come her Dad, is not parenting her about it, besides just insulting the Boyfriend?

7) IF they suspect she is being abused, then what are their suspicions built on?

8) Your Niece and you do not have a 'relationship'. But you care about her and feel you need to teach her these things. BUT... is that okay with her Parents?
If not, you will be seen as a 'meddling' Aunty.

If at any time, you KNOW she is being abused or harmed by her Boyfriend, to me, you need to then, tell her parents.

9) Is she having sexual relations with this guy?
10) Does she know about safe sex and had the talk yet, with her parents.?

12) Again, her parents, should be handling this. If it is you, it may not be welcomed.
Just insulting her or the Boyfriend, will not help her nor make her want to even talk to them about it, IF/when she has problems with the Boyfriend.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Huntsville on

I wouldn't bring up anything as a concern. You don't want her to react defensively, it will put her against you & push her more toward the boyfriend.

I'd probably just try to keep open communication with her about him. Just see what all she will tell you about him. Ask her about things they do. "So how was the movie?" "How was dinner?" etc. Maybe she will open up to you and tell you about anything bad he is doing, that she may not even realize he's doing (controlling, manipulating, etc).

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

I would NOT come right out and ask her about it. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her. She needs an adult that she can trust and that she can go to if there's a problem and it appears that you're that person.

Keep an open mind. Talk to her about her BF. Talk to her about relationships in general. Tell her about relationships you had as a teen, and what was good and what was bad. Basically try to teach her about what a healthy relationship is.

Just keep doing what you're doing now. It's sounds like you're right on track.



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