Consequences

I suggest that you ask her what she thinks the consequence should be. Family meetings are a great way to involve everyone in the decisions. You can know what you have in mind and direct the conversation that way. If you need assistance, you can go to www.developingcapablementors.com and download "The Family Meeting Notebook" free of charge.
I hope this helps.
D. B.

My son is 8 as well. I used to try taking away things, i.e. computer time, TV, wii, etc. but that didn't seem to bother him all that much, he loves to read and draw so he would just do that instead. So I started deducting 'said amount' for each "missed" chore and I even did it for attitude as well. I did this for a short time, I noticed he didn't mind "losing" a little money now and then if he didn't want to do something, so I switched it up. It's all or nothing now! If he misses 1 chore or tries to cop 1 attitude he looses the whole weeks money, no discussion! In the beginning this only happened twice. He now does everything required of him on his own without ever having to be told. It is awesome!

My 8 year old son has the same problem (must be the age), my biggest problem is him not picking up after himself. He gets home from school and off comes his shoues and socks and there they lay. He knows to put his laundry in the laundry room but about 90% of the time it is on his bedroom floor, I have a 1 and 2 year old daughter and don't always have the time to go hunting down his laundry so I waited till he had himself a decently large amount of laundry in his room and when he got home from school I made him gather his laundry, showed him how to sort it (but did'nt do it for him), had him put it in the washer (I set the setting), than when it was done washing I made him move it to the dryer and when it was done drying I made him get it out fold it and put it away (and I made him do it like I do (no shortcuts). When it was all said and done I asked him if he enjoyed doing his laundry, of cource he did'nt and so I told him that if he put his laundry in the laundry room I would do it but if he continued to throw it about than he could was, dry and fold it himself (naturally he did'nt like that idea and now rembers to put it where it belongs. Good luck with the talks back thing I still have'nt figured that one out, let me know if you find anything that works, because my little ones are picking up his bad habit quick.

Hi S.,

I'm a teacher of 13 years and have also served as an administrator, but love the classroom and teaching kids too much to do that! I also have a Master's Degree in counseling and have worked with children always (often behavior disordered children).

First, consequences are not "chosen", they are received by the child and should be consistent and fair (punishment should fit the offense) at all times by the person giving them, or there is NO benefit to either party at all in giving a consequence. Also, you said you were looking for something "sweet" and short. I certainly think you should choose a consequence to use immediately after the problem, but consequences shouldn't be sweet in nature (otherwise your daughter won't mind it and might even enjoy the consequence!!) You can be firm and consistent and not ever be ugly to your child or your students.

I like to offer my daughter an allowance for her daily neccessary chores. Could even just be $1 a week. You probably know that a "token economy" with a child works great! If she completes all chores, she gets her $1 (or whatever amount you'd like to give) each Saturday. If not all things are done, she gets only 1/2 or 1/4 (whatever you two agree on together). If you continue to have a problem with NOTHING being completed, take $1 away in front of her, and see how that works. If you haven't done an allowance, you could even start her off with $5 in a piggy bank as a credit to work toward building and then have a little something to add to or take away from (immediately when she refuses to do her tasks). Then, if her amount builds, pick a special day when you and she can go pick out something great she's been wanting to purchase. You might even have her hang a picture of the item on the fridge???

If none of that works, my 4th graders seem to love their electronic toys (my daughter doesn't really play with those much, so I don't have that as leverage for her). You could immediately take away her game boy or Nintendo X box or D.S. for the day or two days (don't ever make a punishment last more than a couple of days, b/c it loses it's meaning and potency with the child). Talking back should not be allowed. She learns that she is in control and you have no voice. You have lost her at that point. Children desire parents who nurture them with structure and rules (I know you're aware of this). Immediately take away something she enjoys that day when she talks to you in an ugly way. But you have to remember to talk to her with the same respect (which is sometimes hard with our family when we're upset with them).

Hope this works. PLEASE don't be a parent who lets the child or student make the decisions. You will have children who can't feel confident in their choices or learn that life is not about them all the time. In the long run, she will suffer if she doesn't learn to be responsible. be respectful, and complete tasks given.

Please let me know what you decide and how it works!

Andie

You might try reading "A Family of Value" by John Rosemond. He doesn't give specific consequences for specific actions, but lists some things various parents have done in various circumstances, including himself. His general philosophy is that if we try to have powerful immediate consequences, we're likely to misfire. Instead, he advocates "striking while the iron is cold" - that way kids learn that misbehaving has consequences, that bad consequences don't always follow immediately after the misbehavior, and you are also not striking out in an unthinking manner. It's worth the read.

Taking away things is a good start for punishment, but research shows that rewarding good behavior works better. In my programs and with my own children, we do both. Consistency is key. If you don't give an allowance, $ is a great way to motivate her at this age. You can give a specific amount for each chore she does such as one dollar for cleaning up her clothes. If she does all chores she gets her entire allowance, but if not it is diminished by the amount of chores she neglects. You could also charge her (take from set allowance) every time she mouths off say she gets $5 a week by doing all her chores but you charge her 50 cents every time she mouths off.It wouldn't take long until her whole allowance was gone. It might take awhile, but it is a very motivating tool and teaches the value of the dollar.

take away the item for a pre-determined amount of time.

Well i myself have a very headstrung 10 year old and the consequences would be the most favorite thing she likes to do which is a privilage is there for taken away, a few times of not being able to do as they like might set her straight.

Hey S., not sure beginning at 8 is going to give you immediate results until you make a believer out of her. you have to be consistant and remind her that she "chose" the consequenses. tell her, "if you don't clean up your room, "this" is going to happen" then when she doesn't in the time frame that you have allotted then do whatever you threatened...it will take a few times but she'll figure it out. take away TV, Video games, phone, going to friends houses...whatever is most precious to her...it may take a while to figure out what she values most but stay consistant and when you find those things, it will work...we've raised to boys to adulthood and i promise you can't back off even a bit...if you say you're grounded for a week, be specific as to what that includes then make it a week no matter what she does and remind her that she chose the consequences. make this type thing a norm in your home and she'll figure out pretty quick that you're serious...good luck...R.

My daughter will be 8 in a couple of months and is now learning the meaning of consequences. I have found that grounding her to sitting on the edge her bed, hands in her lap and feet on the floor for an evening does tend to get her attention. In our house that means no TV, no playing, no reading, no talking, etc... She also has to ask permission to go to the restroom. She is only allowed out to have her dinner. If it continues I take a favorite toy for a week or so. Good luck
G.

My daughter is 7 and we have a chore chart, so things like picking up clothes and making the bed have a monetary consquence. She may earn $5/wk, clothes put away, bed made, room cleaned, diswasher unloaded, kitty litter scooped are her required duties, she loses $0.25 per item per day not done (some weeks she must give me money--which means no snack bar at school). For sass, blatent disrespect, refusal to follow directions, she must sit in time-out on a first offense, and for my daughter, a second offense means loss of computer time for that day (the next day if it's at bedtime) and continued disobedience gets loss of computer time the following day. Some days we lose computer and tv time and some days we lose those plus snack bar for the next day. It's gotten much better since we started doing this about 4 months ago.

Denying privileges works well. What does she like? Movies? Visits with friends? Does she get an allowance? Does she have a show she watches on TV? These can be taken away. For a first infraction, I will usually just threaten, and that is usually all my kids need to hear. But if the behavior continues, they know I will take away the privilege.

spanking DOES NOT work for our almost 8 year old son. So, we too, are trying different things. We were taking away things he likes such as tv, computer, video games, and grounding him from all screens, but what we just did seems to be working better... we told him he was grounded from all of these until he earned them back! He has to be respectful, watch what he says, not complain when we ask him to do something, do his daily chores, such as cleaning the table after dinner, and when we feel there's been a change, he can have his priveledges back. When he got in big trouble last week, we were talking about what to do and spanking with a belt came up and that's the one he was choosing because it was quick and would be over the quickest. He did not want all of his favorite things taken away. So far, it's going pretty good, but I do think there's something about this age!

Hi there S.: No TV. immediately. Off goes the TV and or Video .Well you asked for short and sweet .

Hi S.

The best that works for my 12 year old daughter, is subtracting money from her total allowance. Each thing that she does not do, as her part of a chore, a certain amount is deducted from the weekly allowance.Back talk, disrespect, etc. cost more. One week she ended of with nothing. It did not take her long to do things right and get all her allowance each week. She learned the consequences of how quickly money can disappear. She would rather have money in her pocket.

This works for us
S.

Kids, being human, are unfortunately or fortunately (I'd say fortunately :) more complicated than being programmed by consequences (and/or rewards).

In preparing for parenthood, I did some reading up on discipline, and plan to return to such reading regularly, to keep in mind the importance of the principles that I learned. I urge you to do the same. People have spent years studying these things and working with kids, and I think all of us parents could benefit (and our families could benefit, as well) by reading through some of what they've written about what they've learned. Not just getting the 10-step list or tricks. It's important to get into the ideas and the understanding underlying various methods, because, what I found, was that it gave me a sense of how to view my relationship with my daughter, and how to understand where she is coming from at different ages.

The positive discipline books that I've read by far make the most sense for me (and, I've found, have helped me to improve all of my relationships, not my developing mother-daughter relationship). Check out the Sears Discipline Book. Honestly very, very helpful. Also, Becky Baily's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. She focuses more on younger kids, but the basics are the same and can be applied to people and relationships at any age (this book is actually the one that has been the most helpful to my other relationships, including my marriage, so, again - very good for all ages).

I'd say, the first thing to do if her behaviors are becoming an issue, is spend some good quality time with your daughter. Turn off the television/s and computer/s. Don't just go see a movie together. Be with her. This is not to reward negative behaviors. This is to appreciate the little girl that is your daughter, whom you love regardless of those things, as well as regardless of the times when she obeys the rules. It's just about you and her, and your relationship. When things are good, give her praise and more of your attention, proactively. Then, when things break down and she is getting lax or argumentative, you can more easily connect with her, because you and she have your love and good times more in the forefront of your minds.

This can be hard if you two have had a lot of friction lately - it can be difficult to change the dynamic. This is one of the challenges of being a parent, but it is we parents who need to take charge of our relationships with our children and take them in positive new directions. Your daughter might not like picking up, doing her chores, etc., but she will tolerate them a lot more if she really feels loved and enjoys her relationship with her "boss," you, just like we all do our work a lot more willingly and joyfully if we like those we work with.

Good luck, hope this helps!
L.

This isn't exactly short, but have you tried time-out? My daughter is only about 3, so I'm not sure how an 8 year old does with this! My daughter hates it. I think they say to have them sit in time-out one minute for every year of age, so 8 minutes for your daughter.

When I put my daughter in time-out, I sit her in a chair with no toys or anything within reach. I don't talk to her, I just stand where she can't reach me and watch her. If she gets off the chair, I just put her back. After the time-out, she has another chance to do what I've asked of her (pick up her toys or something). If she still refuses, she goes in time-out again.

I hope you find something that works! Once you do, stick with it, be consistent!

Oh the joys! Well, on the laundry thing, I tell my kids whatever is not in the laundry basket (they each have one in their room) does not get washed. I stick to that. The first time they have to wear something dirty, I know it sounds gross, they knew I meant business and I did not have that problem anymore. The talking back thing, I send them to their room and tell them I will not listen to them or talk to them until they can actually have a rational discussion (no yelling, whining, rolling eyes, etc.). When I go to talk to them, if they are still upset I leave them in their room. It may take a couple of times, but they do get tired of being in their room. I do this every time and it works pretty well. Now understand, the older they get they may not be able to calmly talk about something that they are very upset about, so you will have to help them with this. This usually does not happen until they are like 11-12. Make sure that she knows that her actions are what is keeping her from coming out of her room. It may take a couple of hours or so, but stick to your guns. I hope this helps.

In our house-not picking up ur things-We say,OK..bring me the trash bag...if it's their toys,they ACTUALLY get thrown away,if it's clothes,they go into a different trashbag and are "thrown away"..talking back,defiance,etc...T.V. goes off and they sit in timeout.....urs is a little older than ours,but, I would imagine that an 8 yr old would HATE timeout...see what happens