Compensatory Time in a Custody Case with No Violations?

I don't know about any of this, but I do think that the very best thing you can do is have EXCELLENT records. Have them printed and color-coded and yellow highlighted so that anything he may say, you can refute.

Good luck! He sounds like a real tool...

As others note-- he doesn't really have a leg to stand on with his either mean or just plain ignorant claim he should get compensatory time.

But there is a more troubling aspect to what you posted.

You post that your ex refuses to "uphold any pre-existing plans that Chickpea had." I take that to mean that if she was invited to another kid's birthday party and it's his weekend, for instance, he will not take her himself because it interferes with "his time" even if it's something SHE really wants and expects to do. Or if she's enrolled in a weekly class of some sort--dance or art or music--or if she's (eventually) doing a sport, he will just say, "I will not take you." Is that what he means?

I don't know how old your daughter is now, but as she gets older she will have more and more activities and SHE will want to do them regardless of "his time" or "your time." A child can't do soccer practice and games only every other weekend, or dance class only two Saturdays a month instead of all four; she will never advance in any of her interests and skills, and she will end up being told, "Sorry, you can't play in next week's game/perform in the recital/etc. because you weren't at practice/rehearsal enough times." It does happen and it will happen to her unless daddy grows up before she gets involved in activities. Imagine how that would affect her; she might just decide not to pursue her interests because it's not worth being the kid who is only there some of the time, and who is always a little behind the other kids because of that, and who doesn't get to perform or play like the other kids.

And he is pretty dumb if he doesn't realize what a jerk and villain that is going to make him in her eyes as she gets older. Picture her telling her classmate in a few years: "Oh, no, your birthday party's weekend AFTER next?! Oh...I'm with my dad then. No, he won't let me come." That is going to get very old very fast, and is a recipe for a kid to start resenting and rebelling sooner rather that later. He could be the good guy, good dad so easily but he's deciding he prefers slapping at you to supporting her.

It hasn't happened in my family but I sure did see it with a friend whose ex-husband did the same routine of "my time is sacred" and refused to take their son to anything --until the son got into a particular sport that dad liked, and then it was just dandy with dad.

I'm sorry to read that you agreed with him that his time is so sacred (I'm sure you did so that you can say the same about your own time with her, which makes sense). But when she is older and wants a say in her own time -- whichever parent she's with--what happens then? If you and he can't agree that "She's signed up for art class that meets every Saturday and on my weekends, I take her, on your weekends, you take her" -- then she will be the kid who never gets to follow through on her interests or make friends through her activities. .

You and he might need to see a mediator eventually to discuss your daughter's participation in regularly scheduled extracurricular activities and parties and things that she wants to do. I"m not talking about the family reunion or something that's strictly your family event or his family event, but about things with her friends or activities she wants to do. '

It sounds as if your ex is using this to slap at you and show that he controls your daughter when she's with him. He doesn't know (or care?) that eventually it will hurt your daughter much more than it hurts you. I am guessing that he sees any "pre-existing plans" as YOUR plans and likes the idea of getting under your skin and defeating you by refusing to follow your plans. He needs to find out that eventually this will hurt your child and make it hard for her to find her own interests and to stick with things. Please consider bringing this up with a mediator if he's too immature and stubborn to have an adult conversation with you about it.

compensatory time would be involved if you were not making your child available to him during his regularly scheduled custody. he can't get it just because you don't agree to switch as he requests.
maybe he was just being a little sad and ironic in his email to his friend?
regardless, i think you're right not to worry about it.
khairete
S.

So he asked you to swap weekends but would not take your daughter to something already planned. So you said sorry I won't swap because daughter already had plans. You are not in the wrong here and he will get laughed out of court. Because you are not denying him his time you are refusing to trade yours.

Compensatory time is awarded to make up for time that is lost with the child. The parent withholding the child must compensate the other parent. So, if you take your child to dance practice every Wednesday instead of having her go to court ordered visitation with her father then he could demand compensatory time. If he chooses not to visit with his child on his assigned weekend then he cannot generally get compensatory time for that since it is his choice. He can, however, go to court/mediation to modify visitation and ask that you reasonably accommodate changes in the schedule.

If the email was not meant for you, it is possible he just wrote something out of being annoyed as a witty joke without intending to actually do it.

I get that each parent has 'rights' but he really needs to think about the kid's rights. For example, if your mom has a family party that falls on his weekend, maybe just maybe it would be in chickpea's best interests to attend, just as if his brother had a b-day party for chickpea's cousin for you to allow her to go regardless of who has custody of her that particular day.

I agree that compensatory time is to restore time taken away from parent A when parent B violated the agreement. I'm not sure, but I think there might be an argument for giving parent A compensatory time if he could not see the child at the scheduled time for a special reason (military deployment, National Guard service weekend, hospitalization, family death, etc.). In that case, Parent B would be quite unreasonable in not giving time at a mutually agreeable time.

Some reasonable accommodation is advisable on both sides where there is something really special - Parent A should get the child on Father's Day and his birthday, and maybe his parents' birthdays; Parent B gets the equivalent on her side. But that doesn't mean that the visitation schedule gets thrown out just so everyone can schedule what they want. If the child has a soccer tournament on Parent A's weekend, then Parent A takes the child and sits on the sidelines being thrilled (or bored, as the case may be). No switching around because someone doesn't feel like being a parent.

I would think that, if the child resides primarily with Parent B, and the child has a weekend camping trip on Parent A's weekend and Parent A is not invited to be a chaperone, it behooves Parent B to be nice and offer a switch or at least respond to Parent A's request about it, but ONLY on a weekend that is also convenient to Parent B (not when Parent A demands it).

It sounds like you have already made a lot of switches, and you're getting tired of it. You are entitled to a schedule and some semblance of order, and the ability to plan your life and your child's schedule.

I wouldn't do anything with this email, except hold on to it. You could send it back and say "I don't think I was supposed to get this" but that might open everything up for a discussion you don't want to have. It could also be that he was just showing off for his friend, acting like he's in control of a situation that he is not. Sometimes people don't like to feel powerless, and they certainly don't like to appear that way to others. If so, let it be, because his friend's opinion of you is of no importance.

The other possibility is that it was sent to you on purpose, made to look like an accident. Then it might be an attempt to intimidate you into complying with his request because you're scared of being taken to court. If he really wants to spend money on that, it's his right, but I think his lawyer will talk him out of it unless the lawyer also wants the money! But it's unlikely that a judge will entertain that notion very kindly. I'd keep really good records of all the times you HAVE switched (and any emails or other documentation about it, as well as any other requests that you have not granted). This will show that you have been extremely accommodating and that he has not particularly honored the visitation agreement as written. I think you will be fine.

If your papers say he's supposed to have Chickpea every other weekend then you need to sit down and figure out when that started and code your calendar for those weekends so you are not found in contempt of court for denying him visitation on his set weekend, accidentally of course.

He has legal right to even call the police and show them the court order then tell them you are refusing to let your child come...sure looks bad for you in court when that happens. He sounds like a hiney, sorry you have to deal with him.

It "is" his own time. Many of the kids that are in dance let the teacher know up front that when the kids go visit dad they won't be there for any extra rehearsals and if the recital falls on dad's weekend they won't be able to be in it. It's the way the papers are written.

My friend had hers written to read that dad will get the kids starting the day school is out for Summer break at 6pm until June 30th at 6pm. Mom gets them from 6pm June 30th until July 31st 6pm then they go back to dads until August 15th 6pm. Where they live full time with mom except for the assigned days on the custody agreement for scheduled visitation. There is great comfort in written rules.

If he is wanting to switch and your kids have plans that weekend he should not get to switch.

I think if it's compensatory time then it's time he is granted due to your denying him his visitation, for instance if the girls are sick.

In the future emails state this instead.

"Dear Ex,

The kids have a birthday party they are going to on Saturday and on Sunday they have a scheduled activity that you have been invited to. Since you stated your weekend is your time with the girls and you will NOT allow them to attend activities they are looking forward to, this weekend is not one that we can switch around.

When you can be more flexible with your plans on the weekends something is planned please state you will indeed allow them to participate in said plans."

That way if he shares your email with anyone but leaves out anything you'll have a very straight forward email and it's on record that you were more than willing for him to have them but they had plans and he refused to allow them to go.

No you aren't missing a thing however it might be a good thing to remind him that chickpea is the most important person in this situation. If something falls on ex's weekend then chickpea should be contacting Dad before accepting an invitation to things. If ex has some family thing he'd like to bring chickpea to then it's important that you switch to let her have time with his family however every family event isn't important.