Chores - Waukegan, IL

Dear Richard,

Sounds like you're a wonderful father and your wife and children are very blessed to have you in their lives. One topic you did not mention was if and where you go to church? You're probably thinking, church?? What does church have to do with sex and affairs...right?? Well first and foremost God created Sex!!! Yes, I know people find it hard to believe, but it's true. If you doubt it...find a bible and look up the book Song of Songs....it' amazing. My point here being that God has many rules and regulations on marriage and labors of love...love is patience, love is kind, love does not boast, loves protects, etc. God says sex is great...as long as it is within the boundary of marriage and is one way for a couple to be most intimate and loving and honoring to God. So my suggestion is if you don't already belong to a church, find one and ask if they have special couple/marriage courses. These would be a great opporunity for you and your wife to spend some needed time together and to learn about the needs of each other. One thing I have learned from God's way of living is that my husband has certain physical needs that are very important to him....as much as my needs of being appreciated and cuddled. When you can have an outside person explaining these to you it seems more natural and normal. A great church in the area is "The Chapel" in Grayslake....thechapel.org. Check it out...they have services every Sunday at 9 a.m and 11 a.m. I think you'll find this church a great resource. Maybe this is the answer for you....

P.S. I was reading this to my husband and he wanted me to mention...friends that would suggest an affair....are not really your true friends...WRONG COUNSEL!!!

We wish you luck and will be praying for you and your family...hang in there!!!

I agree with everything Tori said, and...

I think cheating is the ultimate betrayal of trust and respect. My husband and I have talked about this because his sister's husband cheated on her and their 3 kids. Not only did he destroy her, but his 3 kids now have issues of their own with their partners. He taught his girls how men should treat them and his son how he should treat girls. If it is that bad of a marriage, have the respect and dignity to end the marriage before moving on.

Before thinking of divorce...try doing things to put her in the mood. My husband bought me a massage table for my birthday, with oils and candles. Once a week he sets up our "spa". Once I am nice and relaxed, you know....

He has also poured me a bubble bath complete with candles and wine.

Counseling and communication?

Good luck!
K.

Richard,

It sounds to me like your wife is doing all that she can. If you need more help hire it.

In response to your lack of sex, and mentioning that other men are considering having affairs as a solution, I tried to be understanding and compassionate, but I really lost it with this.

You have taken the low road. If you want sex, earn it. Romance your wife, stop whining about the stuff she isn't doing around the house, and MAN UP!

Richard,

My only advice to you is that ALL women want to be wanted...they want to feel desired, they want to feel beautiful, and they want to feel loved. IF you do these things for your wife your relationship might turn around and she might start to return the effort. A relationship takes a lot of work and I hope you both put forth the effort not only for your own happiness but also for your children's.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids under age 3...we both work full time (although I do work from home) and when the day is over we are both tired, but we always take time to make the other happy. If that means going to bed at 8 right after the kids then so be it...if it means that I will be a little tired the next day I know I will survive. My husband and I are best friends and we would go to any lengths to make the other happy because that is what a loving relationship is all about.
NEVER CHEAT YOU WILL ALWAYS GET CAUGHT!
I hope this helps and I too hope that I didn't offend anyone!
Good Luck
J.

Hi Richard,

It's not a sensitive subject. I really get tired of people shying away from the "hard" topics and attribute this type of denial as the reason these issues can not be openly and honestly discussed. Sure, it's hard to talk about but ignoring the issue does not make it go away.

With that said, I don't believe that people have "affairs" because of something someone else is doing or not doing. Clearly, there is more involved in having an affair than just having sex with a person outside one's marriage. It involves lying, deceiving, sneaking around, playing "roles" to keep up the pretenses with one's family, etc.

I have always been told that "women tend to leave physically before they leave emotionally" (which is why women seem to grieve a dissolved relationship more) and "men tend to leave emotionally before they leave physically" (which is why men seem to not be impacted as much once a separation or divorce happens and it takes a certain amount of emotional estrangment in order to engage that way with someone else). Please note: these are not "absolute" statements. Both genders are very capable of cheating and not regretting it.

Now, if you came here with the mindset of getting a "Yes, it happens, have an affair" sorry, I can't help you. If you came here with the mindset of getting support, understanding and help in trying to address the issues that are leading to the contemplation of such behavior, then I share the following site with you. The name is somewhat misleading because separation, divorce and other alternatives are also discussed. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If you ever want to talk privately about what an affair does to the child, please PM me. My father was a serial cheater when I was a child and my mother does not believe in divorce. I have no doubt the situation changed the way I view men, relationships and commitment. Remember, you always have a choice to make healthy, positive and appropriate choices for yourself and your family. It takes less than a minute to cause that to come crumbling down.

I wish you the absolute best.

Richard,

I think your household chore question and this question are linked and am responding to both in the following message. I'm guessing the emotional situation between you and your wife are similar to me and my husband so hopefully this helps.

My husband and I both work, have a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and have tried to divide up household responsibilities equally. However, my husband regularly makes comments about how he does all of this or that. I of course disagree (or have a legitimate reason) and at this point immediately loose any interest in sex or intimacy.

My husband and I had a great sex life for about ten years up until the birth of our first child. It was getting back on track when I got pregnant again. I had a difficult 2nd pregnancy and was prohibited by my doctor from having sex during most of my second pregnancy. So it has been a long and bumpy road for both of us. We are still off track, even though we both want to get back to being happy with our sex life, We are working on it and making progress. Maybe the following suggeestions/questions will help you.

Have you asked your wife how she feels about the situation and your relationship? You both have to want the same end result. Only then can you determine the road to get there.

When was the last time you complimented her about anything? When was the last time you complimented her about something not related to phsical attrativeness (ie I think you are a great mom, or it must be hard to be away from your kids so much, but I really appreciate you financially supporting our family)?

Do you regularly complain about the chores you do around the house? Bad idea. Even if it is unequitable.

Did you choose to be a stay at home dad, or do you harbor some resentment that your wife is the "breadwinner"?

I'm guessing that since you didn't list handling the family finances (paying bills, balancing the checkbook etc.) that your wife takes care of this. Don't underestimate the time this takes. If you handle this, then see if she can take it over. With online everything this is something she can even do when she is traveling.

Do you go out together ? Seperately? We think both are important, and should definately be equitable.

Probably, the biggest help is actually scheduling dates to have sex. Totally unromantic, but it is working. Some days lack quality, but if you and wife want the same thing, I think you will both agree it is better than where you are now.

Forget about who does what and get to the root of the problem. Flowers or gifts are only a temporary fix, and may not work at all. Everyone has needs, and sometimes we forget that our spouses needs don't exactly match ours, but that doesn't mean they are incompatible. Also, don't assume you wife knows all of your needs and don't be offended if she doesn't (it should work both ways).

Hope this helps.

Hey there again richard, I don't think it's a touchy subject, I think it's a real issue that is going on in a lot of marriages and one that i've discovered to be true in my own (not the actual affair, but the thought). What I think needs to happen is the guys truly need to be completely honest with their wives and tell them how they feel and at what point they are at. The reason I say that is because for myself, being a mother of two under 3 it is very hard to want to be the way I used to be and by my husband telling me the temptations he has and how he feels left out, that gives me the opportunity to do what he would like me to do to improve.

Not that telling me how he feels gives him an excuse to go out and do something if I decide to gradually change versus change overnight but what it does is make me aware of his true feelings and therefore I can be responsible for my part in it. I think that's the problem most men have, they dont want to say "Wife, I don't like the fact that we aren't having sex and it's causing me to have thoughts of extra marital affiars and I don't know what to do but I want us to work together on a solution and fast" I think if most wives heard that from their husbands, they'd truly understand how he was feeling and would want to do something so that their husbands don't want to have an affair and the same should be for the husbands, they should be just as concerned when we feel like going outside of the marriage because believe it or not, when I get overwhelmed with marriage and kids and work and life, I just want to escape too. But the thing I've found being African American is that most African American men are so prideful in that they don't think their women will cheat as long as they are providing financially. They can be completely emotionally detached and then wonder why their wives have started inappropriate friendships with other men......

Saying all that to say, you can do all those extra things to try to spice up the marriage and it may or may not work but the true first step is to be as open and honest with your wife as possible. If you have thoughts of an affair, then say that to her and if she does not want to see that happen then she'll try to work on a resolution. Being a woman, I think I try to be a perfectionist in my marriage and if I know my husband is feeling like that, I will work myself to death to please him. Sometimes that's good and other times it's not.

Do you agree?