Child's Dislike for Father

Kids that age go through stages, mostly stages of clinging to their moms. When he's 4 he will start saying he hates you, dont be shocked, he really wont hate you and he really loves his dad. His dad has to learn that its a stage and not take it too personally.

I don't think this behavior is uncommon in toddlers, especially if you're home with your son. He's going to be more attached to you. I'm home with my kids and my daughter (2y) acts like this sometimes too. My husband does get upset about it sometimes, but usually he'll just start teasing her, tickling her, chasing, making her play...after about 30seconds, she's laughing hysterically and playing with him. That's his personality to tease and play. I don't know if your husband is like that, but it's worth a shot. Tell him to ignore the protests and try to engage your son in something fun that he likes to do. It might take a minute, but he'll probably be distracted by the fun and forget that he doesn't think he wants Daddy right now.
Extra time alone with Daddy might help too. I started going to the gym a few nights/wk recently and my husband is home with the kids and he said that as soon as I'm gone, they're great. They have dinner, play, take a bath and get jammies on. It's only when I'm there that my daughter will sometimes make a big deal of only wanting Mommy.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

You sound as though you have WAY too much stake in THEIR relationship. Leave them alone and let them work it out together. It is up to your husband to form a relationship with his son. Go shopping, visit friends, work out at a gym or go for a walk. Leave them alone together. They'll figure it out. Stop butting into THEIR relationship and they'll make it what they want it to be. If your son says he wants to be with you, that's fine but don't let him play the two of you off of each other and don't think for a minute that a 2 year old can't manipulate his parents.

Hi Jackie, Oh my, what a problem. I was just about to write that it may be that your son is 2 but you said it has gone on for a year. You are right to consider the difference in your upbringings, that is surely a factor. Your son may not understand why the rules are different with dad. We have a situation like this with my (9 & 6 yr.o)grandchildren who split their time with divorced parents and it is very confusing to them. I hope nothing has happened between the two. You my need to seek counselling on this issue. I will pray. It is very sad for a child to dislike his parent at a young age. Grandma Mary

Dear J.,

I have to tell you that my husband and I went through the same thing twice. With our first girl, we decided not to pay much attention to it. It did bother my husband, but as the time passed and I allowed them to spend time alone to bond... even when our daughter refused to it, things changed. Now, she is very close to him, so close that drives him crazy some times... With our second girl, we just new what to expect. Now both of our girls are crazy about their dad as much as he is about them.....
It's true that this kind of situations bring stress to the relationship, but don't let little things like this put in jeopardy your marriage.

Cheers,

Jessica

My 22 month old has been acting like this since before the Holidays...my husband was working really long hours and was sick and was not around a lot. Also, when my husband was around he and I would be on each others nerves a lot. My son sensed this and took my side every time. I think he was starting to resent his father for not being around and for making mommy upset. We weren't fighting or anything but you know how you have disagreements. My husband would just look at my son and my son would FREAK OUT! It was heart breaking. I suggest your husband spend more time with your son and not only do fun things with him but do some of the parenting things and you take yourself out of the picture. My husband said that our son was fine when I wasn't around but if I was around, my son was hating his father. I've been really sick this past week so I couldn't do everything I normally do - which is almost everything - for my son. My husband had to pick up a lot of slack taht he hasn't had in a while and I was just going to bed the minute he got home. Seriously, my son is back to his own ways. Running to the door when daddy comes home, giving him high fives, hugs and kisses. My husband was getting REALLY UPSET before this and telling me that he didn't think he needed to even be around anymore and b/c my son was being so mean, he was distancing himself even more b/c he was hurt. Since spending time together, with mommy out of the picture...their relationship has improved by 100%. Use this as a good time to do some things for yourself and not feel guilty about it, it will be good for you and even better for them! : )

Just a question I have a please do not take offense. You said you and your husband were headed for divorce last summer I was wondering if you were arguing in front of him? If you do this will truly scare him and make him pull away from his dad. He could feel like he is protecting you. If that is not the case then I know owning my own business requires long hours so maybe he just doesn't get to see his dad enough due to working long hours. If that is the case maybe you can go during the day to visit dad and maybe go for lunch so he can spend more time with daddy. It is common for children at your son's age to prefer mommy over daddy and then there are times when it reverses. I also would like to comment on a 30 minute time out. That is way to long for his age and I don't even know if punishment is in order for not wanting to go to his dad. Maybe you should greet dad in front of him with a big kiss and hug to show your son how to show affection towards his daddy. Then maybe find something around the house to do so him and daddy are forced to spend time together and they can build stronger relationship. I am not trying to imply anything I am merely throwing out some suggestions. I myself on occasion am guilty of arguing with hubby in front of my children even though I know I am not supposed to we are all human. Just tell your husband not to take it personal most kids go thought this phase at one time or another.Good luck!!

I am sure you have already tried this but it sounds like your husband and son need more one on one time together. I would suggest that Mommy not be home during their special time together as your son needs to practice with interacting with Daddy to get his needs met. From your brief scenario, it also sounds like Daddy may need additional opporunties for postive interactions with his son. You can start with leaving the house for an hour and then add time from there. I also beleive that their special time together start at home versus going out somewhere together as home is where your son probably feels most safe and comfortable. It may also be helpful if Daddy and son prepare for their time together by choosing a special activity to do together (movie, game, playing in the snow etc)

Good luck... I have a feeling thing will improve!

A. L

Dear Jackie,
You are not alone in this. My 27 mth. old daughter sometimes acts the same way to her father, who travels. She is very honest with how she feels and when he comes home she looks at him like he's a stranger. I do not impose on her. She has a right to how she feels. I do encourage daddy and her time to be together, which makes things better 110%. I think she might resent him for not being there like I am and maybe she thinks at times, he takes me away from her, which only intensifies the resent. My husband is very understanding and treats her very special when he's with her. I back off and stay out of their relationship. I have my time and he has his, and just as important, our time together as a family.

Hi J.
What does your son mean when he says he doesn't want daddy? Growing independent, and being able to talk about what is happening is a good thing. Not having enough vocab is a normal thing.
We as adults have to realize that 2 yo does not have the extended vocabulary that an adult has. Instead of everyone getting offended, why not assume it is OK, and say then sit down and read a book by yourself, or build blocks or whatever and leave him alone for a while.
If we look for our children to be doing wrong we will see it, if we look for good in our children we will see it as well. Maybe your husband simply looked to(I did say to and not at) your son like he could use some alone time and he picked up on that. Chances are the 2 yo doesn't want to be alone long so he will join some activity that is going on in short order.
Have you yet heard him say"I hate you"? It is hard for a parent to hear if they are not expecting it. By the way all that means is they are mad at you right now. If you hear IN your son's vocab you won't have near the problem.
Hope that helps. Old enough to be your mom, have you talked to her about it?
God bless you and all you do
God bless your family and let it not be so fragile that a child's lack of vocab can disrupt it.
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37,32, and twins 18.

Hi J.!

It is a shame that you and your husband have problems because of this. It is normal and you should not take it like a problem or punish your child because of that. When it happened to us, my husband was joking with loud comments like "Hahaha, you don't love me today? It's ok, because now I must change my clothes and eat something, but later I will be ready for playing if you will be feeling like loving me again by than, ok?"
It was always something like that, or another day "Hahaha, you can run away from me, but I still love YOU and you cannot change that!"

So I think you got the picture. Don't give your son special attention because of his behavior. Let him see that you love your husband and want to give HIM attention when he comes home - that is one of the important points here, your husband having all your attention that was his before he came home. Let your son realize that it is something normal that will keep happening, with or without him accepting it. Let him feel that he LOST the attention from you and your husband with this behavior. And let your husband not show your son that it hurts him; it will just make things worse.
Another point - talk often about your husband while he is not there. Whole day without him is a long period for a child, and connection between them is of such kind that needs to be reinforced a little bit. Say “I wonder what daddy is doing now?” or sometimes talk about him working and how that is necessary, although he would love more to spent time with his child but he can’t. Another time stress how his daddy is sad because he can’t skip the work because he miss his son a lot while he is not here – and always something like that, but in small doses, just like one sentence, and than sight, and change the subject. Then talk about that more when your son finally starts asking questions.

And don’t worry, if you explain this to your husband, you shouldn’t have problems. My husband reacted the same way as yours until I explained all this to him, so with his appropriate response both of our daughters changed their behavior, although one needed more time than the other. Be patient but consistent, with children it is always the best.

Hope this helps,
S.

Dear J.,

My son is the exact same age, and he's going through the exact same stage. And let me tell you, it isn't helping my husband's and my relationship either! But like everyone said, it's normal. It's actually a positive sign -- your son's emotional development is right on track.

What we just started doing, literally a couple of days ago, is reserve some fun activities as "guys only." I bought my son some play-dough and had daddy give it to him. Now play-dough is "guy stuff," and my "guys" had a wonderful play-dough session on Tuesday while I got some much-needed exercise.

I have no idea if this'll keep working, but you might want to give it a try.

Best of luck,

Mira

P.S. Oh, and I really don't recommend time-outs for this one. Children should never be forced to show affection, even for someone who loves them more than anything. That keeps those personal boundaries intact for when they're really needed. I do insist that my son say "sorry, daddy," though.

Hi J.,

It is a stage that kids go thru.
But I tell you don't be a mediator, take sides or feed into this behavior.
If you know for sure your husband is not being mean or
abusing the child stay out of it.
Your job is not to protect your child from a loving father - unless he is not as loving as you say -than run for the hills.
Let father and son work on their relationship without judgement as children's emotions are not set in stone.
When dads work alot this happens and now moms who work alot are experiancing the same situation.
Also, time outs because he says or feels daddy is being mean, and daddy didn't do anything?

And your poor husband -if he is a loving father - must feel so bad inside. Instead of punishing your son you should give your husband a hug or do something nice for him to show your love and support.
In fact, before your husband gets home from work do a "Let's make a cake for daddy" or "Let's make a card for daddy." Something special each day. Take the negativity out of the situation, by conquering the moment with love.
I bet your son will begin to beg you to do loving things for his father.

It's not really something you will fix and because you can't make him love his dad. He does love him but is just mom obsessed right now. Putting him in time out to make him play with his dad is just wrong.

Young children always seem to attach to one parent or another. And that attachment changes sometimes on a hourly basis. My sil was upset because his 2nd son asked 'why does daddy have to live here with us all the time?' one evening over dinner when he was going through a mommy only time.

Have your hubby plan some special daddy and son time. Maybe an outting to a park or just running some errands including maybe a treat for being such a good helper. Maybe you two could do a craft project that he could proudly show his dad every day or build something with blocks that his dad could gush over when he comes home.

Pretty soon you'll be writing that your son is spending all his time talking about his dad and you are lonely without his affections. lol.

I don't have experience specific to this, but I have had experience with my daughter about other things that are unexplainable and how we dealt with it. I have used timeouts a lot with her, but I have found that letting some things roll off the back actually made them get better. For instance, my daughter was fighting with me about dinner time because she just wants to play. We had no problems with lunch or breakfast but by the time dinner came around, she would scream and fight getting into her chair. I think it was because she saw it as the beginning of the bedtime routine. Anyway, I finally stopped getting upset about it and just put her dinner up on the table and told her to let me know when she was ready for dinner. Now, she has no problem getting up for dinner and we don't make a big deal out of eating at all.

So I guess my experience was that letting it go and not making a big deal out of it ended up letting the whole thing go. Perpetuating the big deal and forcing it was making the whole thing worse and worse and making all of us unhappy. So maybe try just letting him take some time to warm up to your husband when he gets home and not worry about doing time outs might take the pressure off? Just an idea.

Good luck - I feel for you!

Hi Jackie,
Young kids do go through stages of preferring one parent to another. You can't punish them for preferring you, that's not the right thing to do and it won't make him want to be with dad. You are punishing him for his feelings, which isn't the right thing to do. You can't force him to want to be with dad. How much time does your husband spend alone with your son? My suggestion would be to make sure there's plenty of time when your son doesn't have the option of choosing to be with you and dad is the only option.
Is this is only issue coming between you and your husband? If so, a divorce isn't going to change things, your husband is still responsible for his son and it's not going to make your son like him any better.
Maybe a visit to a family counselor or toddler behavioral specialist would help your husband to understand this behavior and you to understand how to deal with it. Good luck!

I wouldn't make such a big frsl out of ut. I know that sounds counterintuitive, and only you know all the details. My daughter is two, and she does the same thing, alternating between parents. Actually, since I dish out most of the discipline (i'm a SAHM), she usually prefers Daddy!

This will pass...do activities as a family, and ask your husband to remember - "disliking daddy", for your toddler, has more to do with your son's desire for power than it does any real, lasting attitudes towards his father.

J......please please showh this posting to your husband so that he knows that what you're boy is doing is COMPLETELY normal. My son, now 3 yrs, is finally getting better about the same thing. Certain days still, he wants no part of my husband. This will pass with time. Good luck to you all!

Jackie your son doesn't "dislike" his daddy, he is just exhibiting typical toddler behavior. This means that most toddlers (those without certain special needs) throughout the world and throughout time have done this, are doing it, and will always do it. You did it, and your husband did it. I did it. My kids have done it and are still doing it. In fact my husband (who has no knowledge of child development) got upset just last night because our 2 year old played favorites. In some kids it is more obvious, and in others not so much, but it happened to us all.

This type of behavior is crucial to your son's social & emotional growth. It is how he learns independence, the pragmatics of relationships, control, loyalty, love, security. This is actually a HEALTHY sign that he is growing up in a good environment.

Please please understand that he should never ever be punished for it. Of course you can tell him that it hurt daddy's feelings, that's is our job when we teach them about life, but you need to allow him to do this without fear.

Yes it hurts the other parent. I have studied this in my graduate work, yet when my daughter rejected me for her father when she was 1 I was devastated. But I knew what it was and that it needed to be done and that it would not last. Now, at 6, when we tell her about that she cannot beleive it because she is such a mama's girl.

Find a good parenting book to share with your husband so he understands. I know alot of mom's here will have good book recommendations. My best to you.

Hi J.:

I agree with all of these posts however need to add another perspective- maybe there's something legitimately wrong and your child doesn't know how to verbalize it. You should not force your son to act nice towards your husband. What if your husband is hurting him in some way that you're not aware of? In almost all such cases, the mother is always completely, totally, shocked. I have seen several posts like this on this site and none of the responses seem to consider this possibility. Maybe if we all realized this was a grim reality, this would happen less because us women wouldn't be as clueless as we are, naively thinking all men are as pure-hearted in this respect as we are.

Anyway, it's very likely this is NOT the case with your situation however you should at least consider it and be watchful. We all should.

This is totally a phase for the age! My daughter did the same exact thing at 2-1/2 ... she is now 3-1/2 and still does it occassionally. I learned firsthand, you can't force them to bond, with timeouts or just making them be alone together while you leave for your own "timeout". It just doesn't work! THEY have to get thru this themselves, and they will. Believe me, it will be the hardest on YOU (and Daddy) if you try to force it too much. Take it day by day and don't let Daddy, or yourself, take it personally that he just may not like his Daddy that day or that minute. The more time the 3 of you spend together and not force things, the easier it will get. My daughter will now go out with Daddy and play in the snow while I stay inside -- 15 minutes of peace, having the 2 of them together, means the world to me now! Good Luck!