Challenging Sibling Interaction

What Marda P said. More details will help get better answers. I have a 7 year old on the spectrum, so hopefully I can give you some insight. He is mainstreamed in a regular class, is a sensory seeker (needs a lot of sensory input) and moves around a LOT - his body needs that.

I highly recommend a blog by a mom of 2 kids, 1 on the spectrum, 1 not - she's been writing for the last 8 years, since her daughter's diagnosis, and is a WEALTH of information and supportive attitude. Her readers are the same. Many are either parents of kids on the spectrum, or are autistic themselves. THAT may be the best resource you can find - autistic adults. They are blogging their experience and can give you a window into the way your son thinks, reacts, etc.

I have a facebook page - autistikids - that has many links to helpful pages, blogs, etc., of counselors, autistic adults, parents of autistic children, so feel free to visit and look around. You might find some very helpful resources there. Also visit AutismSpectrumExplained.com - written by sisters - one autistic/on "mostly typical" :)

One thing you need to realize, is that he is not going to have the same social behaviors as his siblings. His brain is wired differently. If you can find his strengths, the things he loves, the things that comfort him, that will help you a lot. Also, what makes him uncomfortable? Is he sensitive to touch or does he need to move? If you/ he can learn his sensory needs, that will make things easier to deal with as well.

Also, be aware that siblings get on each other's nerves, and they could be pushing his buttons on purpose, which isn't good. Be aware of that and stop it if it happens - for all of them. He needs to learn that it's not ok to do things that annoy people also.

People on the spectrum can be VERY sensitive to the emotions of others, so if you are stressing, he can probably pick up on it and it will make HIM more stressed (my son is like this). By keeping my calm, it helped him too.

He breaks rules possibly because 1) he doesn't really understand them, 2) he hasn't internalized game playing the way typical kids do (this is VERY common - school should help with this if he has any OT/social support at school), 3) no one's really explained them to him and have just expected him to "get it". This is huge - people on the spectrum generally don't just automatically "get it". Things we take for granted have to be taught/learned - like turn taking, game playing - stuff that typical kids learn a lot earlier and somewhat more "automatically".

Re. playdates - if he has 1 friend that gets him, take advantage of that. If he has any autistic friends, foster that relationship. Don't force it because it's the "thing to do" and its what you're other kids did. He's not on the same wavelength as they are. You'll have to find out where he is and go from there - that's ok.

He needs a safe place to go to "escape" to when things are too much. Sensory overload is very common for autistic people and the need to be alone to decompress is very important. Find out what comforts him and make sure he has access to that when he needs it. And his siblings HAVE TO respect this. Heck, they should all probably get a "quiet place" for themselves.

Feel free to IM me if you like, and you can email me at ____@____.com!

I agree with Patty K. We need to know ages of children and scope of son's autism to be of much help.

My 11 yo grandson is more on the Aspergers side of the spectrum. He also has speech difficulty and difficulty managing his body. He's anxious and sensitive with an emotional maturity of around 6. He is also around age 6-7 academically. He also has ADHD with the constant motion, lack of focus you describe with your son.

His sister is 14 and tho she's improving has little patience with him. We manage by mostly managing them individually. We do not expect them to play together. When they do have activities together such as going somewhere in car we have an established routine as to where each sits and who controls the radio. Same at home. Each has own room and are encouraged to go to their room before they're upset. For this reason (their apartment is small with only a living room) they do have TVs in their rooms.

Speaking of chaos; they have 1yo and 3yo siblings. My grandson plays well with them and most younger children. He does get too rough at times so we monitor the play by staying nnearby.

He has short playdates with only one other child at a time. An adult stays with them to help direct activity. His friends are mostly from his special ed classroom. He also plays with cousins for short periods of time who are old enough to adjust. Again an adult is nearby.

My grandson does get lonely and doesn't understand why he has difficulty making friends. His sister is jealous of the attention/special treatment he gets. His parents and I practice empathic listening with both children. I'm learning to just listen without trying to get either child to understand. I frequently use the phrase, that's just the way he/she is. Yes, he/she makes you angry/upset." Another phrase I learned in training as a foster parent that works is to say with a sigh, "it sucks to be you."

I have been able to handle the chaos better since I accepted that chaos is inevitable and while it's happening I can just go along with it without needing to change it. I focus specifically on what I can do. I can send kids to their rooms. I can't change how they feel. Also, I deal with one issue at a time. Separating them is one issue. Attitude is another issue to be dealt with later when we are all calm again. And......such things as attitude is a long term project that will not improve with consequences only.

I suggest that you can tone down the chaos and fighting by developing a routine and a nearby zero tolerance of fights. Have immediate consequences for misbehavior. I highly recommend Love and logic by Foster Cline. You can tweak that for your son. By tweak I mean directing his activity more when giving consequences. He is much less able to understand cause and affect. Also, with practice, you'll be able to intervene more often before it reaches the outright chaos/fight stage.

What sort of support are you and your son getting? Physical and occupational therapy will help you know more about how yoyr son's mind and body works. My family is also able to get counseling help thru his health insurance. My daughter goes with him to see a therapist.

You can also get help through the school district. Federal law requires the districtcto provide evaluation and treatment for children with a condition that interfers with learning. Call the district office for information. They provide services in the summer.

Well unlike everyone else I am curious about the ages of your other children. That really does define the dynamic. There is nine years between my middle two, my son with spectrum is the younger of the middle two. They were 9 and 11 when he was born and by the time we started to realize he had issues they were 11 and 13, more than old enough to understand his needs would come first. That sounds so black and white, it wasn't, there were times when their needs came first and because of that he learned to adapt.

Now my youngest was born right around when we were realizing something bigger than ADHD was going on here. She is a tough cookie. My older kids took her out a lot, gave her a break. Gave themselves a break.

By the way he is 15 now and it a lot of ways more mature than the rest of my kids at his age, yay!

I always had trouble with being told well this is how the disorder is, you cannot discipline this or that. I am ADHD, all my kids are ADHD, my oldest are remarkable because I never accepted that this was the best they could be, can't do that with my son either.

Having said that that level of discipline, where you started seeing changes and self control, that didn't kick in until he was around 12. Still if I hadn't been trying all along I don't think he would be where he is at now.

I want to articulate the bit that helps you but all my mind keeps kicking out is it will get better. One thing I can tell you being on the other side now, damn my life seems so easy now! It was like climbing the biggest mountain in the world and surviving that everything is downhill after that.

I'm not in your situation and I'm not even sure how helpful it would be but I recently read "Siblings Without Rivalry" & I found it rather helpful. We stress sibling friendship in our home & try extremely hard to foster friendships between our kiddos rather than just "you have to love them because you're related."
Maybe there will be tidbits you can glean in the book. It's worth a shot :-)
Hope you find something that works for you guys!

On the spectrum can go from a bit quirky to full blown autism. Where does he fit in. It might help giving advice. I guess in today's world my daughter would have been DX with Aspergers. No label then, so I just did what worked. Following thru and always be consistent. Try to always talk to him in a calm voice. I know not easy. Find a group thru school of Moms with kids who are similar to your son. Here we have free great summer camp and weekend programs. Talk to social worker when school starts. Three kids without issues can create chaos. I have four. My Aspergers daughter is an OR nurse, licensed EMT and volunteer firefighter with a nice boyfriend. But she is still quirky. Good luck.

As much as I want to write a treastise on how to handle your unruly child, having a child on the spectrum is not a "just be more strict, don't let him run the house" sort of deal.

I don't know how functional he is. I don't know his level of communication or age. I don't know how you're currently managing. I see from the terms you're using that you're struggling.

I very much suggest looking for a great support group for you and your husband. One for parents of kids on the spectrum. Check out meetup.com. Yes, you'll get some folks who have kids on the spectrum here, but we parent on a continuum, and as your son grows you're going to run into different challenges. It's worth it to have a support system to lean on.

Best,
C

Divide and conquer.
If the other kids can go on play dates then they should get out and away as much as possible.
Find a local support group and see if there are activities he can participate in.
There might be a camp for him where they know how to handle him.