Can My Husband Handle My Needs?..

Does he know about the love languages? What is his? Are the ways that you "spoil" him speaking in his language or yours? If you're "speaking" to him in "your" language he may not even recognize what it is that you think you do for him.

The whole point of "love languages" isn't to treat each other they way we want to be treated...it's to treat him the way HE wants to be treated and then he treats YOU the way you want to be treated. Does he understand that? Do you?

There is a website called marriagebuilders.com that has an emotional needs questionnaire that may be helpful for both of you to do. You can then see what the other person values and communicate accordingly.

It sounds to me like a communication problem. You sound like you value physical touch and possibly words? Maybe he's more of an "Act of Service" kind of guy who shows his love by getting the oil changed in the car without being asked or mowing the lawn or doing work around the house. Maybe he thinks that in his way, he spoils you.

You said you don't want to stop spoiling so I won't say that......

However - is it possible you aren't speaking his love language? Are you spoiling him the way HE needs or the way YOU would want to be spoiled?

Are you spoiling with the intent that it will bring you the attention YOU want or are you doing it for HIM?

Just some things to consider - I am sorry you are unhappy.

Love languages? See this is why I hate self help books. You read something and it seems to fit one side so the other side must be wrong. Books cannot interact they cannot say well he is this.....

Not sure if that makes sense but if you don't want this to be a fight perhaps start by writing down what he does for you and what you do for him and have him do the same. Then share, understanding that this is not about who does more that is important to the other but understanding what is actually important to the other.

A clue that few people know is we do for others what we want done to us. So what you do for him is what you need and what he does for you is what he needs so knowing what the other person does for the other is a wealth of information on how to really make the other person happy. :)

Read what J.B. had to say.

My wife and I had the same problem. Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will teach you and lot about him. Then give it to your husband so he can learn about you.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof", and get the companion manual, "The Love Dare". You and he should both read "the Love Dare." It will give you a chance to tell him, "This is what I like and this is is important to me." Or just the opposite, "This I don't care for."

Those publications will give you a place to start the communication. The other thing I have done is to tell my wife or show her what I would like her to do. My wife is really intelligent, but there are some things she doesn't like to do because of the lies her mom told her as she was growing up.

If you like it when he gives you flowers (an example) does he give you flowers? When he does, praise him for the flowers and thoughtfulness. Say and do "thank you" several times over the days afterward. He will get the message.

I can't remember which book or publication I read it in, but this wife felt taking care of the garden and pulling the weeds was her husband's responsibility. He didn't like doing it and almost refused to do it because his parents used weeding the garden as a punishment. Friday night, she asked him to weed the garden and mow the lawn on saturday before he went elsewhere (golfing, I think.) The next morning, grumbling profusely, he went out and mowed the lawn. He then started to weed the garden. When she saw him weeding the garden, she went in and took off her pajamas and put on a nice house dress that buttoned up the front. Then she got a nice cold bottle of water and took it out to him to thank him. She only buttoned one button on the house dress and unbuttoned it as she handed him the bottle of water and thanked him. He was quick to notice that the house dress and sandals was all she was wearing. He finished weeding and . . .

Eventually, weeding was no longer a punishment. The point is, don't reward him with something you would like. Reward him with something he would like.

Good luck to you and yours.

Seriously, try counseling. Have you? It worked for me. Wishing you all the best!!

I just want to let you know you're not alone. I've been married 10 years to a good, nice guy who works hard and provides well and I couldn't ask for a better father to my kids. But he is clueless about meeting my emotional needs even though I have been very to clear to him what I need (my love language is quality time and conversation). So he hasn't done anything that would cause me to divorce him, in fact I would be pretty dumb to dump such a good guy, but it is frustrating to see him come home from travelling all week for work, climb into bed and watch a movie on Amazon with his earphones in. I've explained to him how much I need to connect, especially after he's been gone, and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't reciprocate or meet that need. And after a decade of marriage the chemistry isn't near what it once was, and even the rare times when I'm in the mood he's not near as into bedroom activities as he once was. We're both just tired. So the marriage just isn't very exciting, but we love each other. We haven't always felt this apathetic and we don't always have to feel this way. My sister swears by counseling and so we should probably try that out. Things used to be worse (I was pretty unhappy since he was always out of town for work and my emotional need to connect was going largely unmet), but he got a local job and now comes home every night and we started going on weekly date nights, just the two of us. We decided to use the money we would spend on counseling on dating each other instead and paying for a sitter. It has worked very well and we are much happier, but I think counseling could help bring it to the next level. And just having a huge (4 hour) heart to heart about the poor state our marriage was in and verbally expressing our commitment to each other and to repairing our marriage went a long way in improving things. Just changing our hearts and attitudes and behavior made a positive difference in the right direction instantly. Also, a while ago we read His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and it was great at helping us meet each other's needs. We listed everything we both enjoy doing together and started playing co-ed soccer together as a result, which has been a highlight in our marriage. The book encourages you do engage in recreational activities together because you fall and stay in love with who you have fun with.