Bridesmaid-zilla!

Ugh! I have been a bridesmaid five times, and believe me a few of the dresses I had to wear were HORRIBLE. But I kept my mouth shut. Its an honor to be asked, while at the same time if you can't afford it or don't want to be supportive you should bow out gracefully.
i would simply call her and ask, "Would you prefer to not be in my wedding? I am getting that vibe from with you objections with choices so if thats the case, please let me know."

Have O. of the other BMs tell her that the role of any BM is to shut up and happily do what the bride wants.

Is it financial? Even though the dress is only $80, being a bridesmaid in a wedding can add up quickly. Money is spent on the dress, the shower, the bachelorette, the hotel for the wedding (sounds like it's out of town, at least somewhat), plus the possibility of shoes, hair, makeup and nails for the wedding day. It can also take up a lot of time, which can feel very imposing for some.

I have been a bridesmaid several times and can honestly say it's a hard position to be in. I love my friends and was honored to be a part of their weddings, but in each case, it was a lot of money and a lot of work. It became stressful at times. Part of the stress for me, in planning a shower and bachelorette, is wanting to make sure the bride has a great time and feeling worried that it might not be perfect for her.

As for the dress... I hated all but one of the bridesmaid dresses I wore, including two that allowed me to choose my own style from a specific designer and in a certain color. I never complained to the bride, but I did complain to other bridesmaids (many of us agreed that we did not like the dresses).

Anyway, I don't want to make it seem like I think it's ok that she's complaining to you. I don't think it's right at all that she's making you feel guilty or stressed about your choices and your right to have things the way that you want them. All I'm saying is that maybe if you can find out the root of her true displeasure (money or time, probably), you can find a way to work it out with her. And, if it does end up coming down to her just not liking what you picked, tell her you're sorry but this is one time in your life that it's ok to put your own desires in front of other people's.

Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding.

Here's an alternative: Meet her for lunch, just the two of you. Say things like, "In all the wedding craziness I felt we needed to take some time out as friends. Tell me what's going on in your life. I am sorry I haven't taken more time to express that I understand the pressures this puts on all my bridesmaids. If the stress of participating in a destination wedding is a bit much for you right now, I understand."

Can one of the other girls tell her it;s your day, your way? If not, have your mother do it.
Or tell her when she gets married she can do it that way and this is the way you are going to do it. She doesn't have to be in the wedding if she feels so put out about all your plans.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding. Tahoe sounds great.

Ask her, privately, about the issues. Say that you've noticed or heard her complaining about a lot of the things involved with the wedding, and that that is not like her (if that's actually a true statement; i.e., that she is not a complainer). Ask her if something is wrong or if she's stressed about something.

If the issues are what Karen suggests, and it probably is, then see what you can to do alleviate the problems--let her know that its okay if she can't/doesn't want to do the bachelorette party, or if she'd rather camp than stay at the hotel, (or better still, if you have family in the area that she can stay for free, or another guest she can split a hotel room with). If it does turn out that she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, or if that is the vibe you are getting, offer to let her out of that obligation, with no hard feelings, and that you hope she'll come to the wedding and enjoy the celebration, but that you totally understand. If it's just the dress, tell her that you've done what you can to accommodate the bridesmaids, but, (like all the others have said), this is your day, and the one time it's 100% okay to put your desires first (since you're clearly not a bridezilla!), and that if she feels the need to vent about the dress, to please do so to the other bridesmaids and not in your hearing. :)

I've been lucky in that 2 of the 3 weddings I was in, the brides were (relatively) understanding, and my one friend was just outstanding. They went for their honeymoon, and she let us borrow her car to go sightseeing, since they weren't in town to use it!

I am laughing because after your update, I thought it was funny that you think she is jealous. I bet, instead she is just strong opinionated women (hmm, I can't imagine) that is used to just running things. She has strong opinions about everything and voices it. ALL of my friends are chiefs! We all are used to making decisions and ordering, I mean asking others to do this and that, so when we are all together, watch out, we can roll over everyone and anyone standing in the room.

This is great for some people, but obviously it is driving you crazy. So how to nicely tell her, thanks for your suggestion, but I am just going to go with what I have planned. If she is bossy and loud and opinionated like me, she will be fine, it will not even phase her, but will think you are making a mistake not using my great taste.. hee, hee..
FYI, Most Lesbians do not want a wedding, they want a house.

Get a Bridal hat/veil so that when you are all together you can say, "Ok I am the bride, I get to make all final decisions." Of course be polite and listen to others, but remember, this is your event and YOU need to be happy. Let them know I am making the decisions so I promise I will not be disappointed,

I do a lot of Special events. Weddings can cause a lot of communication problems. A good BM, (I love using it for Bridesmaids) will just be happy for the bride and go along with what the bride wants. But there can be reasons she is fighting you.

First of all, does she not like the dress because of the style? Could the cost of the dress be out of her budget?
Is it not flattering on her? does she have large arms< wide waist, not enough breasts? I have had to tap a bride and explain that just because most of the wedding party is shaped a certain way, does not mean it is flattering or comfortable for all of them. There is no rule that all of the BM dresses have to match in style. Maybe the same color and fabric but a different style?

Also could it be the price is a L. out of this BMs budget, but she is too embarrassed to say? When I got married I paid for all of the dresses, hair and makeup for my attendants, we also paid for all of the Tux rentals. This seemed to keep the comments about my choices to a minimum, since they were not going to left with something, they did not care for or would never wear again.,

Also destination anything, showers, bachelorette parties, weddings add up. We do not always know what other peoples budgets are, so you do need to be a L. concerned that all of this is not too much for your good friend.

I also just saw a sneak peek of the new "Bridesmaids" Movie.. It is completely over the top, but did touch on some of what you are speaking of. The cost of everything, the stress placed on the participants.. Of course this movie is not highbrow (it was directed by the guys that directed the Hangover), but the entire theater howled the entire time..
http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/universal/bridesmaids/
When it comes out get your girls together and treat them to this movie.. it is hilarious.

It never fails to amaze me how one person in a crowd of people always seems to think that THEY need to make the decisions. You're a bride, you've got a groom, other bridesmaids, groomsmen, parents of the couple, grandparents and heaven knows how many people you've invited.
This is YOUR wedding. It's not your job to make everyone happy. It's not your job to change what everyone else likes for ONE person. She doesn't have to like a single thing you're doing. But, SHE CAN KEEP IT TO HERSELF!
She may be jealous that this isn't her day. She may just be one of those control freak people who thinks that they need to have say in other people's business in order to make them feel important and special. Either way, it's HER problem.
You might just have to tell her, "I love you, but this is my day and my wedding. Please try to be supportive of my choices. You know I'd do the same for you."
If you feel you can't do that, then maybe someone else needs to gently say that maybe she means well, but it's causing more upset than helping.
If she gets mad and backs out then in my opinion, you haven't lost much. No offense.
When she has her own wedding....she can be the boss.
If she's already married, then she REALLY needs to leave you alone to plan things the way you want. She's had her day.
I've been in wedding where I was like, "You want me to wear what?" Hey...you just do it. So it's not your color or the dress makes your butt look big. Who cares?
I know of a bridesmaid that pulled out of a wedding because she refused to wear the dress, which was beautiful and tasteful, by the way. She insisted on picking out her own dress OR refusing to be photographed by anyone in the one the other girls were wearing. Who does that?
Bridesmaids should be supportive. If they can't be, then they should humbly decline. You as the bride have no obligation to change anything for the happiness of a bridesmaid.
That's just the way it is. You don't need this stress for what is supposed to be the most beautiful and special day of your life.
She's in a wedding party and going to Tahoe. Can't she just be happy about that? If her answer is no, then your day won't be ruined with one less bridesmaid.
Somebody needs to remind her this isn't about her.
You've know her a long time. Does she tend to think she is supposed to be the center of everything? In every day life, that might work for her, but this is different.

I wish you the best and hope you can get a grip on the situation.
You deserve a perfect and beautiful day filled with fun and happy memories.

hard to say. i disagree with those who say she should just shut up and deal- we've all seen posts from abused BMs (love that too!)
i think you need to have a heart-to-heart with her about her concerns. i'll bet you dimes to donuts they're financial. the dress might be very reasonable (good for you!) but perhaps the overall expense and stress is more than she can accommodate right now.
give her an out if she needs it. maybe she just needs an ear, and to know that you hear her and understand.
khairete
S.

Updated

tell her she's ruining your experience, and she should shut up and deal with it or not participate. she may not realize how annoying she's being and in the long term your honesty could be really good for her, and for your relationship.

Updated

tell her she's ruining your experience, and she should shut up and deal with it or not participate. she may not realize how annoying she's being and in the long term your honesty could be really good for her, and for your relationship.

It is your wedding and get her straight with it. If she doesn"t want to be in it let her know that is fine. You are not suppose to be pleasing everyone on your wedding day. It is your day. Don't forget it.

You do not need the added stress.

Good luck and congrats.

N. Marie

Hi K.~
Just ask her flat out: Do you not want to be in my wedding? If she asks why, then tell her that she has complained about everything and you don't want her to feel uncomfortable about the dress, shower, etc. You don't need that stress. Weddings are stressful enough without having someone like that in the wedding party. Believe me, I KNOW from experience. Cut her loose.
Lucy B.

Without being able to see the other answers you received, I would say this is a job for the Maid of Honor to handle.

Tell her when she gets married (if she isn't already) then she can have whatever she wants, but right now this is your BIG day and you make the final decision. You can say it nicely :)))))

Good luck

R.

Someone's jealous. I think that maybe you should do what another person said and have another Bridesmaid or your mother do it. Let them tell her it's your day and you are starting to get upset over her complaints and if she can't SDSU (sit down shut up) then she needs to decide if she wants to be a part of your wedding day.

There's always going to be at least 1 jealouse bm. Even if she's already married. 2 of my 4 sisters both gave me trouble. One because she didn't want me to get married before her and the other one because she was married but never had her dream wedding.

One thing I can suggest is feeling the need to get everyone's opinion. It's your wedding and your opinion and the opinion of your future hubby are all that matters. So if you want to shut her up, stop asking for her opinion. You can also be very open with her and ask if she wants to continue on as your bm because her words and actions are showing otherwise.