Breaking Ties with a Controlling Brother

T.-
By any chance did your brother grow up as the "man of the house?" It almost sounds like he's taken on the responsibility of what would be your father. IMHO, If you want to keep a relationship with your brother, I think you should let him know that you greatly appreciate him trying to take care of you, but you are an adult and you can manage your own family, but if and when there is a need you will ask him for his help. As for your oldest son, I would explain to him that sometimes grownups have differences, and sometimes it's loud, but it's for the grownups to figure out, not for the kids. If he really does love his "Uncle Jimmy", he will be thankful for the "out" on being "loyal" to his Dad. It's important that your hubby is agreeable to this discussion or then you might end up with him being upset with your son. Then I'd let the two "grown" men figure out the rest.
Good luck on this one,
S.

You say your brother has always been great until now. Tell him to keep his marriage advice to himself. If you need him, you know where he is.
If he can accept this, then go to bat for him with hubby. If not, then let it go until something changes. We all make mistakes, and while he completely stepped out of bounds, it doesn't mean he doesn' t love you all. He just needs to learn to keep his mouth shut sometimes.

T., as a therapist I've seen many examples of how breaking ties affects families. And family ruptures have a way of repeating themselves through generations. It sounds like your brother has some issues, and that other family members have been affected by them. But rather than breaking off your relationship, I think it would be worth while to tell your brother how you feel. Tell him (gently!) that his behavior has jeopardized his relationships with your family, and that it's hard to want to be with someone who behaves that way. Since the controlling behavior seems to be a pattern, I'd even suggest that he speak to a counselor. Some fire departments have an Employee Assistance benefit the provides several sessions of free counseling. If he is not receptive, then certainly you'll need to limit the time you spend together. But if you break off relations, you back yourself into a corner. Families are worth fighting for.

I would advise to tell your husband and your son that you love your brother. You do not like what he said, or agree with him, but you still love him and you do not want to lose him. Let your son know that there are consequences to actions and that your brother should have thought before he spoke or butted in to your business. He can learn from that, BUT, just walking away from someone you love is not the answer. Explain that you will talk to your brother and communicate your feelings, but no matter what you still love your brother and would never just cut him out. Tell them although you understand their anger you hope they will try to forgive your brother and accept him for who he is..........then remind him of all the good things he is.

Go to your brother and tell him you love him. Don't fight or get into anything with him, but tell him you are happily married and would appreciate if he kept his thoughts to himself. You appreciate that he loves you, but you do not appreciate him butting in. Tell him how much he upset your 9 year old. Tell him it will take awhile to mend fences but that is what you want. Tell him you are happy with your life and if he doesn't approve you can't help that, but you need him to keep his feelings to himself.

Family fights are never fun...but, a couple of things from the birds eye view.

Your son has his own feelings. He will either get through them on his own or hold on to them. I don't feel it would be fair for you or your husband to encourage him to cut ties (not that you did). That is his Uncle. Your son will express himself if your brother asks what the problem is. Maybe your brother needs to hear from him. Sometimes we learn from them. I have had many of blow outs with my sister and allowed my daughter to visit or babysit for her. The fight was between us and had nothing to do with their relationship.

Therefore, the fight was between your husband and your brother, BUT, it was regarding your relationship with your husband. Now I feel it is your option and only option to let your brother know that he overstepped in your opinion, but only in your fight not your sisters fight. That part is their problem, not yours.

Read back over the posts between the two of them. Did your brother possibly think hubby was talking down about you?

I suggest you let your brother know your feelings and leave the apology part between the two of them. They are big boys, they will get through it somehow. By involving your Mother, you may end up with a bigger fight on your hands. I tend to think Mom is going to side with her son, just because that is what they do. Don't involve her.

Best wishes.

Its hard to do but I would say give it some time and as the weather gets nicer invite your brother over for a light dinner and see how it goes. In the meantime, I would have a little talk with your son about how adults say things because they are angry but they don't mean what they say. You can say that you understand that your son is hurt and angry at what Jimmy said but hasn't there been a time when your son also acted out of anger? It would be good if your husband could also say a kind thing or two so that your son will not hold a grudge against your brother.

Updated

Its hard to do but I would say give it some time and as the weather gets nicer invite your brother over for a light dinner and see how it goes. In the meantime, I would have a little talk with your son about how adults say things because they are angry but they don't mean what they say. You can say that you understand that your son is hurt and angry at what Jimmy said but hasn't there been a time when your son also acted out of anger? It would be good if your husband could also say a kind thing or two so that your son will not hold a grudge against your brother.

sounds to me like your brother is the real problem.a brother who tries to control your life is one you dont need in your life, even if he can quote bible
verses.you would have a better chance of putting a pair of stretch pants on a giraffe, then trying to get two men to apoligize to each other, its not going to
happen. he loves his nephews, but he is trying very hard to control you. think this over, because, your kids and your husband will not respect you if you
allow your brother to control your life..
K. h.

Your brother reminds me of my own, so I'm going to tell you what I did. I waited until I could be calm, then I told my brother that his behavior was unacceptable, and that I could not, in good conscience, allow my child to be around that. I told him that he needed to either let go of the past (for us, the situation was my brother complaining that HE never got toys from our Gramma when HE was younger, after she gave some to my son) and quit being so bitter and controlling (with another argument he picked the same day), or else I wouldn't allow him to have contact with my child. (This was before my daughter was on the way.) He was mad about it for a little bit, but he's done much better. I didn't want him out of my life, but I was protecting my children from his rather childish behavior. I think it would be fine for you to do something similar, and go ahead and mention that you don't see your hubby as being controlling, and (as a growing Christian myself) I would see it as fine to say that you appreciate him wanting your husband to be better, but that when Christ mentions the speck of dirt in another's eye, and a log in your own--well, your brother should take that to heart. Mention what it's done to your son, and that while adults should be able to rise above it, things that like can have a huge impact on children, and it's in our nature to protect our children, and you will do so if you believe it's needed (big note that it's not if your brother, your husband, or your children think it's needed-it comes to you as your decision). And, my mother loves to get in the middle of these family things, and actually she gets frustrated that I don't do the same, but I'd tell her to butt out. (Nicely, of course.) She doesn't really GET to throw in her two cents, b/c she's supposed to be neutral. Yes, it should be water under the bridge, but right now it's not, and you're trying to decide what to do and look at the situation with wisdom so opinions are not appreciated. That will ease the pressure on you, and hopefully help you see the situation without having to be so defensive, so you can decide what you really want to do. Good luck!