Hello everyone,
My 17 month old daughter is is a wonderful and gentle soul. Now that she is a little older she gets really excited or really upset or just overcome with emotions as most toddlers do. And I'm happy to report that she does not hit or throw or bite other people or pets when she gets frusterated and angry. However ... she bites her hand. Hard enough to leave indentations. When she does this, I have tried a couple of different things to discourage her hurting herself. I sit down with her and let her know that being frusterated or angry is ok, or I distract her with something else or I try to explain to her that she needs to be nice to herself and kind to her body. Any advise on how to get her to stop? I'm really concerned because it just so happens that my mother does the same thing. Yes, my 69 year old mother will bite her self when she gets really really angry.
sigh,
S.
S.,
Try being her voice. When you see the signs building up right before she bites herself, but words to what she's feeling.
"OH boy Mommy!!! I'm so excited that we're going to do __________"
"I'm so mad right now!! ________ isn't doing what I want it to!!"
Things like that. I've done this at home with my 5 and 2 year old's and it really deescalates the situation, and still validates their feelings.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
The poster below has a great suggestion. I was going to say not to worry to much bec most kids outgrow this and will stop once they realize it hurts ( My son used to throw himself bacwards and hit his head on the ground, and the dr said he would outgrow it and he did). But in your case with your mother doing it too, I am not sure. Has your little one seen Grandma doing this?? Maybe seeing Grandma doing it enforces that it is ok? My other suggestion is talk to her dr about it, there can be an underlying issue that is causing her to harm herself (possibly the same for your mother). I wish you the best, I know how hard this is to watch!!
I am pet person & when my last boy would like bite himself.it usually in the same place..I put a little "Green Apple" (to stop pets from biting themselve(s) .it is not poison, or anything like that & I would immediatey,change his direction of thought with something fun,etc..
if I saw this behavior & say no(he wouldn't want to really bite & reward him with alot of attention or a cracker as a treat.In his final days which came very quickly he would pretend like he was gonna bite himself.I start to smile.cause if he didn't good things happen & he didn't have an ouchie.Just change their feeling & ideas when things are not being the way you want them My really first conversation was after Mommy,daddy was no ,no, no. told me alot about what was going on in his mind
First thing I'd do is ask the dr and be sure to mention mom's habit too. Once you have ruled out any possible problems there, it isn't a huge deal. She may be doing it because she saw your mom do it, or because she likes the attention it gets her. Either completely ignore her, or make silly comments like "does that taste good, come here, let me try" or "if you're hungry, I can get you a cracker". I don't think you need to worry about it unless she starts breaking the skin. She knows her limits though, and this is unlikely. She will stop when it hurts too much. It really doesn't take much to leave indentations. Remember to clean it very well if she does bleed because mouths carry tons of bacteria. I'd go as far as to say that most toddlers develop some kind of self hurting behavior to make parents sorry they crossed them. Some hit themselves, some bite themselves, some violently throw themselves on the floor, and some hold their breath. If you don't get worked up about it or give it any attention, then she will soon discover that it doesn't work and she will move on to something else. The fact that she is hurting herself instead of you means she understands that hurting others is not okay.
you could try giving her a pillow to hit or bite, or a towel to wring
If your daughter sees her grandmother do this and is often with her I suggest you enlist the help of your mother. Perhaps you and your mother can create an alternative way to express her frustration that doesn't involve hurting herself and both you and your mother could then model that method for your daughter. Toddlers learn by copying what they see.
Diversion is a great way to handle frustrated and/or angry moods. If I can't use words to express my feelings, I go for a walk. I leave the situation which is causing me these feelings. A toddler does need help to do that. You are helping her learn a new way when you divert her attention.
At 17 months, I'm not sure your daughter understands your explanations. Perhaps now that you've explained in several words you could devise a 2-3 words that she could learn to use as a trigger to do something else. You and she could plan ahead what the something else would be.
My grandson jumps up and down when he gets frustrated and then angry. I've tried to teach both kids to hit a pillow or the couch but they don't want to do that. I often divert them, especially when they're upset with me, by play boxing. I hold my hands loosely and don't go close enough to even hit them by accident. I say, oh, I'm so angry! Then they follow my lead and in a minute or less we're both laughing.
I have no experience with a child biting themselves so this is just an uneducated idea. Would it help to hold her hand after she's bitten it and be sympathetic to the hand. Say something like, "you poor hand. That bite must've really hurt. What can we tell (your daughter's name) that would help her not bite you. Strong emotions build up energy in the body. If we can do something to reduce that energy the feelings will get less intense too. Perhaps she could run around the room or back and forth in a designated spot. Some kind of activity to reduce the physical energy.
Ordinarily I'd say that she'll outgrow this but I don't know if she will if she sees her grandmother doing it.
Info only. This probably doesn't apply to your mother. Sometimes hurting ones self is caused by not being able to express their feelings in a more productive way. Is your mother able to say what she's feeling when she's biting? Is she aware of her feelings? Sometimes physical pain helps the person release the energy in a way that allows them to feel what they couldn't feel before. i.e. physical pain gets subsituted for emotional pain.
I would google within emofree.com. and see if you find a helpful case study.
When your daughter bites...start the conversation.."If your hand could talk,....What does it say hand say when you bite it?" Have her answer. Have the attitude that everything she tells you is interesting and that you find her totally lovable.
I have seen stranger things unconsciously passed down in families. Ask your mother how old her habit is and if she knows if anyone else in the family has had this tendancy?
Healing is like a domino.....when one person resolves the underlying issue, others begin to change as well.
L. Crunick
