Bossy Husband

My BIL did this to my sister whom is legally blind and cannot work...SHe stopped doing anything around the house except what she needed to get through the day for 3 weeks..
I like the suggestion of his having a planned day off "work" to do what you do at home. while you are off elsewhere for the day having a break from it all.

My husband does the same thing. I am a SAHM of 2 boys. They keep me busy non stop. If I have a minute to just sit down and re-group he thinks I am just having free time. Sometimes he comes home from work and says " what did you do all day". I think the person that does not stay home all day does not understand how busy and time consuming taking care of kids can be. I would just try and talk to him openly and ask him how he is feeling.

Good Luck.

Hi L., I am so sorry for your situation; however, unfortunately, it is not unique. Men and women simply think totally differently in many matters. My suggestion would be for you both to sit down in the evening when your son is asleep and really talk it out. You might begin by telling each other all the things about them that you adore, are grateful for, love, appreciate, etc. Then you would move in to the areas that are hurtful -- it is so very possible (as hard as it is for us females to believe) that your spouse is unaware of how hurtful his words & actions & criticisms are to you. It is also possible that there is an underlying reason for his behavior such as ... is he really happy at his job??? is he envious/jealous that you have this special extra time at home with your son??? is it all money-related??? Think back .. Did he criticize your housecleaning/chores/errand capacities when you were working full time? As unfair as it is, we women are, for the most part, multi-taskers; i.e. we just naturally learn to the following once we have children: do all the shopping (food, clothes, dry cleaning, post office, prescriptions, etc.) AND we do it with the little ones in tow!!! Men generally cannot handle that and will not even try; however, they think nothing of calling us to ask us to do this errand and that errand during our day, because they don't want to have to stop to do it on their way home from work WITH NO CHILDREN IN TOW!!! And we actually DO all of this without complaining! Those of us who are fortunate enough to be SAHM accomplish the following: all the shopping (food, clothes, gifts, stamps, dry cleaning, medicine, etc.), all house cleaning, laundry & ironing, cooking & planning meals 24/7, keeping foods in the house that our spouse might want, taking care of sick children AND SPOUSES, taking them to doctors' visits, dentists, haircuts, arranging all these visits, arranging for somebody to watch our child/children if it is our own doctor/dentist appointment and then dropping off and picking up child/children before and afterwards (all of this takes up valuable time in our day). Most of us do NOT sit around popping chocolates & watching TV - we simply do not have time for that even if we would like to. Usually when Dad has the honor of taking care of the child/children for a day, he either accomplishes nothing else ... or he sits them in front of the TV while he goes out to cut the grass or goes in to be on the computer AND he would not even consider taking them with him to do errands or shopping! As Moms, we do all of this naturally; however, we also assume that our spouse understands all of this .. and they just DON'T. It is an entirely different mindset; so we need to tell them what it is like in "our world", and we need to do this periodically as they will forget very fast! Perhaps, he needs to stay home a few times with your son DURING THE DAY while you are gone somewhere - be sure to leave a list of shopping & errands for him to accomplish also and expect supper to be ready for you when you get home as well as having the house spotless - it will not happen. We all need to walk in each other's shoes from time to time to understand and appreciate what the other person's world is really like. It makes us each more compassionate and appreciative -- your husband needs to take that walk periodically, because, honestly L., men really do not get it until they are wearing our shoes. They are not mean or cruel - they just don't get it when looking from the outside in. I suggest you help him understand by talking it out and gently but firmly telling him how he is hurting you, and then give him the opportunity to walk in your shoes a few times. Most of us have had the misfortune to be really sick or injured from time to time, and this is devastating to the family. Only after the week has passed does the spouse suddenly become aghast at all we do - day in and day out without complaining. They are soooo appreciative and in awe, but it only lasts for a few weeks!!! Then, they forget. Sorry but that is just the way it is; so I feel it is our job to remind them in a nice way from time to time. I hope this helps a little, L.. If it turns out that his inner problem is strictly about financial worries, ask me about my home-based business if you are interested -- that could bring in extra money also. Best wishes. Feel free to contact me E. Taft ____@____.com ###-###-####

Hi L.

Congrats on your son! I was struck by your story and how I had once been in that situation. It sounds to me like you are allowing your husband to depress you. You never have to respond with a defense and accept blame. You could respond with ... Gee honey, sounds like you've had a bad day and wait for his response. He may feel like he is being neglected. I'm not suggesting that he is.. but he could feel that he is. Humor is the other key. Try to find the humor in the situation.... You'll be a lot more relaxed if you can see yourself as you are. A mom who is loving to care for her son and husband. Don't let him define you, you get to choose that. The moment you defend yourself you are accepting his version of reality. Just don't go there!

Hope that helps, it's simple I know... but it does work!
He might even have more respect for you in the end.
All the best,

S.

Your not doing enough while you are not working is not the problem. The problem is your husband is jealous that you are spending time bonding and building a relationship with your child and he cannot. He may not even be aware that he has these feelings and it is coming out as something else, like complaining about the errands and chores you are not doing. Talk it out with him and if you need someone to mediate, get help.

Being a parent is a full time job. Our culture does not recognize and value the work that good parenting takes. When parents work at a different job, they (typically) have to pay someone to do the job of childcare for them.... there is a reason why people are paid to do the job of childcare... because it is a job! Stay at home moms don't sit around eating bon bons all day! lol! So... your hubby needs to get this into his head and I agree that the best way is for him to do it. He needs to have at least 24 hours on task without assists (no dinner ready for him in the freezer etc). My hubby is a teacher and has had the kids during summer vaca while I have worked. Not only is it good for our relationship for him to see what my day is like, but it also gives him special time with the kids that only a stay at home parent can have (it goes to fast!). Good luck!

Your husband, in yelling at you for not doing what he felt you should have, is setting up his expectations of you without regard to what you need or want. If you try to do better and do more to keep him happy, you'll be reinforcing his behavior. If trying to talk with him brings no changes, you may need to tell him point blank to back off, especially if he is a controlling type. Your little boy will grow up so fast. When he is grown up you will want to look back and remember the time you spent with him--not the time you missed while you got all those chores and errands done. Ask yourself what will really matter in twenty years.
Good luck!

I think it is worth noting that you are not a full time stay at home mom, and as an adjunct prof. you have to do a lot of planning for what you teach, as well as the time you are there teaching. If it were me, I would be frustrated that I was expected to do all of that and still do all the cooking and cleaning. I am not sure why, but it seems like your husband is not being fair to you about this issue, and you have a right to talk about it with him and tell him where you are coming from. I am sure that it will be a hard conversation and that he will be defensive, as he is coming from his point of view...but plain and simple, if you work and do all of the housework and cooking, it is not fair, and you do not deserve to be criticized by him.

One piece of advice I got when I married 16 years ago is "don't let the sun set on your anger". I've known my husband for close to 30 years but that advice has been the most productive one I've heard. It sometimes leads to short night's of sleep on occasion but it is a true gem of advice. You may have already had a conversation with your husband, but if not, it might be time to share some of the hopes, dreams, and frustrations of both of you.

Years ago, I used to get some of the same kinds of comments from my husband. But as time has progressed and our son is now 12, I really don't hear those comments any more. Part of it is that he has had full-time dad duty on occasion himself. The old walking-in-someone-else's-shoes trick does wonders!

When you get a chance to talk to your husband, you may find he's worried about finances, about being left out, about having a bad day at work or a bad commute or whatever. But, even so, you deserve respect, even when he's angry. We all get angry some of the time. It's part of being human. But what we do with that anger is the operative concept.

I don't deal well with anger. When my husband gets angry, I internalize it too readily. I feel responsible for things that may not honestly be my fault. But through the years of being with him, I've been learning to define my boundaries better. It's not my job to make things perfect in the household. It is a team effort. And when we approach it as a team effort, things work much better.

I used to get mad when my husband wasn't doing X, Y, or Z or he seemed to expect Q, R, S from me. But when we work through the frustration and anger and get to the other side, we're usually able to resolve whatever the hurt is.

It ain't perfect, but it's a process!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Hi L.!
I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years now and I look forward to your responses that you recieve. I also feel the same way but as the girls get older it seems to get more frustrating. In my opinion I feel like it is a simple case of "man power" and the only way I deal with it is to be the best I can be as a mother, wife, homemaker, etc......and if it is not good enough thats too bad. I look forward to reading!!
Best of luck....you are doing great!

Hi L.
My sons father used to be the same way.
When they are two Lord look out .
If your house is clean you have food on the table and your husband should have no complaints!
Half the parents of todlers do not get all that in. My house at times got out of control and sometimes i would sit back and enjoy my son even though he made soooo many messes i wouldnt change that. he had fun .
My sons father learned to get over it because my time off was time well spent with my baby. and yours should be too.
they grow up fast .
you are doing everything you can in one day. Talk nicely to him and explain that complaining about what isnt done isnt the issue . What is done take a look .

Perhaps you could include him in your sons quality time once he gets home. make it a ritual. even for 15 minutes.
It worked miracles in my house to see how much i enjoyed spending time with my son as well when i had the opportunity cause i worked also. my time was my time .
when your husband comes home make it family time and laugh.
life is really fleeting he will be all grown before you know it ! Dont sweat the small stuff.
N.

Hi Laurea,

Wow! You are doing so well and your husband doesn't realize how good he has it. I hope, if you had a conversation with him by now, that it went well. He does sound a bit controlling and abusive. Hopefully he lightens up and enjoys his family instead of bringing stress and anxiety into the home. Seek counseling if things do't go well.

Was this how it was in his home growing up? Does he not feel appreciated? Do you meet him at the door when he comes home to welcome him back? Maybe he doesn't realize what it's like to be involved with bringing up a child and managing a home. Sounds like you have it covered extraordinarily well. Has he done it? Maybe he should make a list of what he expects done in a day (for the house and for the child) and then he stays home with the child while you go out. Maybe then he'll see the light.

Good luck!

: ) Maureen

L.,
First off, I am very sorry your husband is acting in such ways, it's sad. Maybe in some weird ways he feels insecure about the whole thing or envious that you are spending that time with your son and he is not and then is putting it off like he is upset with you, not the situation. I would suggest speaking to your husband as this is not a good way to live. If he has resentment or vice versa, you two need to hash it out. It's usually something more than just the chores being or not being done. I wish you the best of luck. I am a SAHM to two girls and we'll be working on our third child in starting in January, never once has my husband made me feel bad about this or expected me to have the house emaculate...heck sometimes dinner isn't even ready for him when he comes home, but never is there a word spoken. He understands and realizes the sacrifices we've all made for me to stay home and take care of our children, he actually has said many a times that he would never be able to do what I do on a daily basis. :) Being a SAHM is the most challenging, yet most rewarding, underpaid "job" there is out there. :) I wish you luck and keep your head up, your a great mom and wife and you and your husband need to talk this out and it that doesn't work, counseling is an option too.

I agree with Jessica C. who wrote...

"Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can't understand maybe you should suggest that he takes a day off to spend with your son, AND do errands, AND make dinner, AND clean... and see how well he can handle it. He may just not understand how much work it really is!!!"

I've heard of that happening before. It's almost like they think we just sit around and play all day since we're at home. lol

Hi L.,

If you can afford it, then by all means enjoy your baby. A mothers desire to enjoy these early years is powerful and she should be afforded that opportunity if at all possible. I, of course, believe that is best for baby also.

Everyones personality is different your husbands need for control is a part of who he is. However it is never ok to treat someone especially someone whom you profess to love so disrespectfully.

It is possible he is not even aware that he is being so crabby. Men are certainly different than women; men feel best when they feel they can provide for their family, so be sure to praise him on how well he provides for you. Be careful not to make him feel like he is insufficient in anyway. So be sure your own anxieties about reducing your hours are not being verbalized in a way which makes him feel you do not trust in his ability to provide.

Do what you can to reduce financial pressures by cutting corners where you can and don't forget to share some of that love you feel for your son with your husband.

Women, of course, want to feel secure and loved. But, do not wait for your husband to meet your needs before trying to provide for his. By providing what he needs you automatically will reap the benefit because he will likely return your efforts with intimacy which men have such a difficult time expressing.

Best wishes to you and your family. And may God bless you all.

J. L.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can't understand maybe you should suggest that he takes a day off to spend with your son, AND do errands, AND make dinner, AND clean... and see how well he can handle it. He may just not understand how much work it really is!!!

Hi L.:
I am sending you lots of empathy and support. What a drag!! You deserve to be better appreciated. Is your husband approachable on this matter? Probably best to discuss when it is not the heat of the moment. It is important for you to find a way to explain how hurtful his accusations and judgements are. I am a SAHM full time and have a lovely and spirited infant daughter who keeps me busy all day. I would feel so done in if I had someone come home at the end of the day and yell about what I hadn't done. Unfortunately, some partners just don't understand how important positive reinforcement and compliments are and mothers are so undervalued in our society. I think it's great that you can acknowledge how important your time with you child is and that you will not accept this treatment from your husband. I hope you find a way to communicate this to him.
I wish you the very best. Please let us know how it works out.

GO away for a weekend and leave him home with the kid- it shut my husband up real quickly.

Remind him that your son is only young once. Communication is, of course, hugely important. Good luck.
H.