M.M.
J., I feel for you, and wish I could help. Consider yourself hugged, take a deep breath.
I am sure you'll get loads of great ideas with smart, caring women responding to your post. Pick whatever you like - the most important thing is that you do what your heart tells you to do, do it often enough to give you a window on how to have hope and a dream toward living whatever life is meant for you to live.
Here's what I do -
When I feel down or someone I care about has similar frustrations, I do (or recommend) three short simple things that usually work, but only if I DO them.
First choice - I get understanding toward myself and clearly admit I want to feel a lot better. I figure out a couple examples of what's not right without having to solve it right away, and it has to be objective, measaurable, write it down, simple and silly whatever, "That yellow pillow has got to go" to " there's nothing healthy in the refridgerator, that's going to change" to "I am not working on World Peace, and I keep being called to do that" - Remember, there's NO requirement to solve any of these problems, you have been living with them a while, 10 more minutes or a day to think won't hurt anything. Just to identify them, observe, them, chuckle at them (I wish the cats could read the owner's manual for that flowerbed, they would know to stay out of it because the next thing is I am going to take a broom to them) and chuckle at the list, it's usually pretty off-the-wall mix of random things that are pulling different directions. Treat it like an audition list of what might be contributing to your emotional state, no harm in saying you are frustrated that the trash doesnt' take itself out when it's full. Thats humourous and unloads some of the small and big frustrations by just pointing at the clutter of things you want different.
Whatever big and small, and only the first 10 or so things that pop into your head! That's a case for change. - then
drum roll - top 10 -
Go down the list again, write it's fix beside it (just an international NO sign, circle slash, will work for some) and Imagine they are all perfectly fixed - every one of them. Imagine for a couple minutes living that way, (tha's funny too sometimes, and gets the list changed fast) and ask yourself what that better living feels like. the cats can read now - the children read your mind (yikes) whatever. Write down snippits of how that feels and what you experience. When I am listening to myself, it always makes a world of difference for me. I continue to imagine my dream world, then start the list over again the next day, and choose to fix different things in my imagination, and changes and fixes just start happening in my life. I love that list, so harmless and so powerful.
Second thing I do - If you have an understanding friend nearby who has more of the things you want in life (so she likely knows what you need to know and does more of what you need to do), then see if you can spend a little time with her, notice how she lives, her attitude, her words, her home, her choices in areas you want to be like her. If you do a lot of talking with her, you may miss the part of just following her around and noticing what she does and what she says, how she says it, how she lives and how her good healthy attitude shows. - and see if your life can work that way for you if you do what she does.
That helps a lot for me.
Third, and it works best if I am making myself take that disciplined every other day or so small time commitments to focus and do the other two above: I also get clear with myself by taking some uninturrupted time, only 5 to 7 minutes will seem like an etertinity if you have been racing through distracations for months ;-)
Those few minutes are so precious and effective - especially with a notepad and pencil - That does three things right away - it gets you a few minutes (ok, 3 is a lot for me) alone with your own company, lock the door if needed, do this just before you drift off to sleep, perhaps pay a sitter or trade with a friend watching your family for 30 minutes and walk out the door to the quiet park, sit in your car, be alone and quiet with a cup of tea or coffee, to nurture yourself, and not constantly prodded into distraction by serving all these needs outside of you for just a couple minutes,
Second, it gets you (and your mind) somewhere else fast, imagining the solution and listening to your dreams of a fulfilled significant life rather than the frequent inturruptions taking your attention, and so now that you are alone, here's what I recommend you do - bring a pen and paper, trust your wisdom and start just writing whatever you think of for three to 5 minutes, short thoughts and words, sketches (I like palm trees and ocean waves) whatever you drift into that is your dream world. Write a couple measurable specifics (I can run 3 miles in less than 23 and 1/2 minutes) Then look at it in two days when you do it again, or before you sleep , that will point you to what will help you recognize what is important, and what your dream is for your life. If you're going somewhere you want to go, toward your goals, then the surroundings you are traveling through, dont' bug you as much. (An old friend says "A dog in the hunt don't know he has fleas")
Also, I'll bet it helps immediately noticing what you wrote down, that absolutely needs to change in your life (like you had been forcing yourself to tolerate a negative-influence relative always dropping by whenever she wanted, and you need to set some firm limits on her access to you), or you have healthy food in the house, nothing else, kids and hubby will just have to deal with it, that's the way life is going to be, no more compromising on what is totally right to do. - it's your piece of paper, you write whatever you want (and nobody needs to see it other than you, period.)
I also look into the future - what do I want to be different in 3 months as a result of my having lived on this earth. Same question in 3 years. 30 years? I call this the 30 year test. How about 300 years? There are loads of people who have made life better 30 and 300 years after they lived, and they lived with clarity and focus in their dreams. It's so necessary to focus on what I want different in 30 or 300 as a result of my having lived on earth, and then how I can make it happen (usually with a team, few people are heroes, however if you are called to it, go for it!)
There are other things to do, however getting the problem written and getting a solution in my mind of how I want to live, and who (what kind of person) I want to be - that's where I always start when things aren't right.
Generally, the method that works is the one you DO.
My changes happen fast when I do a couple minutes a day , often before I go to sleep, to sketch and notes for three minutes on what my best dream of a life is, the senses, all of them, touch, sight, how I spend my time, and it gets very real and I find solutions to get the low-hanging-fruit-things changed fast, and I usually get clearer on what I need to do, about what I let myself get talked into (or let myself be led into) and have no business compromising with whoever or with myself, because it is taking away my dream.
Sometimes I type an email to myself from myself in my future, living my dream life, and tell myself how I got there, and encourage myself to do some specific things that are small, consistent changes, that make all the difference. No scolding, only positive encouragement and nurturning. Then I send it. It's a bit off the wall, and it is an amazing process that helps me make things happen and get clear on what is frustrating me and how to deal with it, when I hit challenges.
If you do anything like that, put a password on your email account. Nobody i mean NOBODY needs to mess with your ego by reading that. That's an invasion you don't need.
Those things have worked wonders!
That's what I do, step back briefly, not much time each day.
The biggest frustrations that sneak up on me and others, have been when somebody or something is taking my attention so much that I can't step back without getting into a tangle, and News Flash, - THAT'S gotta get fixed if somebody has so much control over your uninturrupted time that your mind can't string thoughts one behind the other - you lose your sense of who you are when that happens, and you quickly stop improving in your life, you're not really living your own life. That's the highest form of disrespect to not let another person be at peace with themselves by giving them constant inturruptions. Ok, I have just described all normal children, and babies need heavy vigilance, however kids (and adults sometimes) push buttons to get undivided attention and drive a person to distraction with irresponsible behavior if they are not managed with firm clear boundaries (that they MUST learn anyway if they are to function in society and relationships effectively).
It happens to mommy's and women a lot. If that's you, get help if you can, and BREAK OUT of that habit of excusing or tolerating it. Read Crucial Confrontations really soon to learn what to do if you are getting that kind of control, they'll usually deny and excuse it, all the more that You'll know it's real and must be dealt with firmly, when magically all this garbage starts coming at you right when you decide to set limits and get time to think by yourself, just a few minutes (like 2) once or twice a day. (get ready for a walk with a stroller in a quiet neighborhood, and see who falls down the stairway or follows you demanding your attention! - there's your next task to address - enforcing discipline, self - control and make sure you are not rewarding manipulative behavor by the method of giving attention to it)
So that's a window on what I do, it's worked for me, different times in life, and different combinations of what I wrote above. it usually takes about a months of daily short focus, and things just change, because I change, and that makes all the difference.
Let me know what works for you - I am intersted in what works for others also, you asked a great question and I can't wait to read your other replies!
Blessings,
M.
