Be Upset or Let It Go??

I was thinking that it wasn't a big deal until I read the part about his being from the area and the wife needing a break....

Why does the wife need a break? Is he a slob or is he a drinker? If he was abusive she probably wouldn't be throwing him out but leaving herself. I would be concerned with my children. I know a high school friend of my husband's would come by the house and even my children said he was weird. I never let the kids be around him alone and would take them out somewhere. A few years later he was arrested for molesting his step daughters. I would insist on getting to know this guy before letting him sleep over just so you know what you are getting into. If nothing else it would be a good time for kids to go spend sometime with grandparents.

All husbands (and wives for that matter) will have times where they seem more selfish and be a better spouse... it is how we learn to compromise in relationships.

I would be upset!
Marrage is about partnership including asking about these things!!!
Sounds like he was being very selfish not thinking of you or the kids when he agreed to this.

I would say OK - the guy is coming but we need to establish ground rules that WE will explain to him when he arrives:
1) he is to stay no longer than one week
2) he is to be out of the house during the day (even set times if you need to ... like out by 10 back by 5???)
3) he is to help w/ food if he is going to eat here every meal
4) NO extensions on the week
5) If for any reason you are uncomfortable around him (and do give him a chance...) then he leaves immediately.
6) we are a united front on the above issues
7) moving forward we discuss something like this and agree upon it PRIOR to one of us committing to something like this.

good luck... do post and let us know how it goes.... maybe he's a great guy and you'll have a new friend.

I would be livid, to be honest. My ground rules would be really strict.

1. No more than 1 night.
2. Not even that if I didn't feel comfortable through supper.
3. He's NEVER to be alone with any of the children. Period.
4. He's NEVER to be left alone in the house. Period.
5. He's not to go into any of the bedrooms.
6. Find out exactly why he's really giving his wife some space. This whole thing sounds really, really shady to me.
7. The husband is never to spring a surprise overnight guest like that again. Especially one that you've never met and he hasn't seen in years and could have changed through the years.

The safety of you and the children should have been his first thought. He has a huge heart, but I'm surprised that his protective Viking genes didn't kick in too.

wow, i guess I am too trusting maybe. I would be a little upset that hubby didn't run it by me first, but they are men & they don't think that way. but even if he had I have always welcomed friends & family into our home when they are in need. it is just being a good christian in my eyes. I dont immediately think of all the bad possibilities but of the good friendship/relationship building ones....which is really what this life is about to me. :)

Good Luck

The principle of the matter is that he did not discuss it with you first off. I would not get too upset over it, but perhaps when you get a quiet moment, let him know how you feel, and that you would have appreciated if he took the time to discuss this with you first before making a decision, as it is someone you don't know, and explain to him that you are uncomfortable being alone with a stranger during the day. Don't make a big deal out of it, but do bring your point across. He needs to think of your safety as well as the kids.

He should have talked to you first.

In general, in all the years you have known your husband, is he a good judge of character or not?

And in general, does you husband frequently make commitments to others without talking to you first? Or is this an isolated event?

If it's a pattern I would make a big stink so that it does not happen in the future.

If it's a one time event, sounds like your husband has a big heart and truly wants to help....so I would let him know that in the future you need to be in the loop on issues that involve your home, space and privacy...Deal???

I kind of agree with your husband. Think about it - if an old girlfriend who you talk to but haven't seen in a while needed a place to stay, would you turn her away? I wouldn't! I know for a fact that if a friend from high school or college asked for help, I would agree first and then would tell my husband. He's trying to be a good guy. Trust his instincts and if it becomes a problem, address it then.

You said a few days at first. Why even extend it to a week? Otherwise, my husband kind of does stuff like this and I used to get super upset but I have to say, usually I end up enjoying the visitor so I no longer get too mad. I've laid ground rules that I'm not the one who's going to clean up after him etc and sometimes I say "fine, you visit w/ your friend and the kids. I'm going out!" Do you really think maybe this guy isn't ok? I never actually worry about the friends my husband would let stay so I wouldn't feel funny with them in the house while I'm gone. If you really do worry about theft, hurting one of the kids etc, then I think it's a bigger problem that your husband would have friends like this. My husband is also very loyal to old friends he rarely hears from and then all of a sudden they need something. I argue some about it but a bit less than I used to and I figure loyalty is one of his better qualities and I think it'll serve our marriage well too...

Your husband needs to call this guy and say "sorry, but I was an idiot and I didn't ask my wife before I said yes to you. We may to have to change plans." Then you and husband need to sit down and really have a talk. It isn't like this guy needs to stay with you because he is your husband's best friend and is homeless and out of a job. He is some guy your husband barely talks to and is simply coming to give his wife a break. If you are not comfortable with it, he needs to make other arrangements. It is your house.

Completely unacceptable on your husband's part. You should never be uncomfortable in your own home, and you should always have a say as to who is there. You two have major communication issues you need to work on. Go to counseling alone if DH won't join you.

The bottom line is this - it doesn't matter whether this would bother me or any of the other women on here. What matters is if it bothers you in your own home. Do what you feel is right.

Well, he should have asked you first, yes. It's as simple as when he's talking to his friend, saying, "Well, Bob, I'd love to help you out. Let me check with T. first though, and make sure we don't have any family plans this weekend." I mean, that's just common sense. BUT, as we all know, not all husbands think these things through beforehand.

That being said, since we have established that your DH may be lacking a little common sense in this area, it will be up to you to let his friend know that you're happy to meet him, and then politely let him know you're happy to have him stay through Sunday (or whatever day you decide). That way he knows up front that there is an end date to his visit. =) With any luck he will be a nice guy, it will be fun for your husband to re-connect with his buddy from the good ol' days, and everyone will be happy.

It sounds like your husband is just trying to help out a friend who finds himself in a tight spot right now. It's good to have old friends who are willing to help in your hour of need.

My husband did this once a long time ago. He came home from his mens group meeting and said I invited someone to stay for a bit till he gets on his feet. No asking me just this is what I did. I found out the person was a guy from church who had been kicked out of his own home and was at the point of having to go into a homeless shelter. He did not work as he had lost his job due to drugs and drinking. I was pissed. I had 3 small children and a teenage daughter. I couldn't be home all the time and was afraid to leave my daughter with the younger ones with this guy in the house. he wouldn't go look for a job, wouldn't eat with us etc just stayed in the back room or sat on the couch. creeped me out. He eventually moved in with some of his other family members. After a couple of nights I told my husband he has to go. you need to help him find a job and somewhere else to go. If he had been at least civil it would have been different but he was just like a lump no response to talking. He needed psychiatric care which he did get.

Hubby should have talked to you first. Hopefully the guy is on the up and up but it sounds like he's not otherwise he be in a motel. I'd have a few more talks with hubby about your concerns and HOPEFULLY after you meet the guy you will feel more comfortable.
The new deal you make with hubby should be "If I dont get a good feeling about this after tonight, promise me you will have him get a room tomorrow".

i would have a huge attitude about this, because like you said people change over time, and why does he have to give his wife a break and why can't he stay at a relatives house or a hotel. and if you guys live in the same area why hasn't he seen him in 18 years? i would be uncomfortable as well! (this is just me) it would be in his best interest to take a break from me because this would be a major issue with me. good luck

My husband would be calling his friend to cancel. He had offered a friend to MOVE into our basement before I even knew him. The $$ would have been VERY helpful, but really? A random person living in our house when we are gone all day every day? I think not. I'd be majorly upset!

I agree that this is not about trust, but respect. He should have talk this over with you before making the offer. Unless it is family neither my husband nor myself would ever invite someone to stay at our home without the others permission. I would not want a stranger in my home alone either, and your husband should sit this guy down after tonight and tell him he made a mistake by not talking to you first and offer to help him find an affordable hotel.

I have some business friends that my wife hasn't met. I havent seen them since 1994. We e-mail and send each other interesting things we fiind on the internet.

I have told him that if he and his wife ever visit SoCal and want to do touristy things they are welcome to use one of our bedrooms instead of a motel. My wife asked the usual questions . . . Who is he? . . . Where do you know him from? . . . etc.

After I invited him my wife was reading an e-mail over my shoulder. My wife's only reply was, if he comes, you will have to entain him/them. You have ore vacation time than I do. (I'm retired ;-)) )

When we lived in the neighborhood of a church where people came to when traveling or moving into the area, I'd invite moving-ins and traveling families home for dinner to be nice and so they wouldn't have to buy things on Sunday. After the first time my wife told me, if you invite someone home for dinner, you get to cook. I said ok. Then when I'd invite someone over I'd tell her we're having company for dinner. (Cooking isn't a big deal. My mom started to teach me to cook when I started the 3rd grade.) My wife and the Relief Society president called me the "Welcome Wagon guy". If they were moving in, I'd give the wife a list of all the grocery stores in the area and what they had on sale this week. It was my way of being nice. Its what we did when my dad was in the military. We were always having a family over for dinner when they were getting ready to go PCS.

No, I wouldn't be upset. I'd simply voice my concerns and tell my husband he was responsible for "entertainment".

Good luck to you and yours.

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What in the world..is what I am thinking as I read this. I have lots of issues with my husband also. He is many many bad things but I can honestly say he is not stupid enough to bring a stranger into OUR house for days or even one day. This guy could be anything. Your husband doesn't even know him really. If it were me I would pack up my stuff and my kids stuff and go stay with my parents or if your parents aren't near you go with a friend. Your husband should come to his senses and tell Mr. Stranger that he needs to go because his family is way more important to him then giving someone a place to hide out from his family. I know you know this but your husband isn't thinking of his family's safety or your feelings. If you have no one you can stay with then take the credit card and go to a hotel I bet the idea of you spending lots of money all week for a room and then for food will get the guy out of your house.

Your husband should have talked with you before hand. You two are a team, your kids, you and him come first so must be thought of first and talked to first before doing anything that will involve them. I too would be mad at my hubby if he did this. Let him know that this will NOT happen again without talking to you first.

Also ground rules a MUST!!!! S N. pretty much covered all the ones I would lay down.

I can't imagine my husband doing this to me. I agree with you. It is weird! Now as I write this I did do something similar however and my husband was really mad at me but I felt really stongly it was the right thing to do. I took in my aunt's soon to be adopted child who we had never met when he was 1 year old so my aunt could be with my other cousin while she had surgery. He was with us for 7 days and we all fell in love with him including my husband.