Any Advice... - Marthasville,MO

Have you tried talking to the sister to see if she might spill the beans on some of the issues that they are having at school? Just because they get along fine at home does not mean that issues don't come out at school when there are peers around to put added pressure into already tough situations. My husband and his brother are only a year apart and when they were younger there was constant pressure from friends to see who was better at this or that. When it was just them at home, they didn't care but the friends instigated all kinds of problems. Your girls might not be competitive at home but while they are at school, I'm sure there are lots of things that come up especially if the older one is the more shy/reserved personality of the two.

H. kids are funny, but they want to be heard. I dont think you should send to her school hoping someone else can get the answers for you. If they get the answers, fine, but there are ways to get kids to open up, even the most shy.

Begin by telling her that she doesnt have to say anything until she is ready. Especially with a sibling, there are a lot of unseen things that go one, parents miss a lot that happens. She may feel like telling you will bring even more discomfort to her relationship with her sister.

So you tell her that you love her and that you want to help but you understand her reluctance to share with you. tell her you are going to just ask questions and if the answer is yes, she put up one finger, or touch her nose, or anything like that. Begin with answers that you know will be a no, ease her into it, so that she is actually waiting for a chance to give the right sign. Once you hit on an area take that path, and wait for the next sign.

You have to be willing to keep her confidence and not go charging into the situation. There are ways to heal wounds between siblings without letting them know that you know.

Some of the things that could be happening may be in the list below.

Feeling left out of activities that her sister and her friends are involved in.
Maybe one her sisters friends are making fun and her sister doesnt stand up for her.
Maybe she is not getting as good grades as her sister and soem one compares them, or makes fun of her.
Maybe her sister is making comments about her being a step, they do that kind of thing.
There could be a boy that she likes and her sister likes too, it causes issues.
Mabye one is popular with the other kids and one is not.

These things are hard under normal situation but a step sib can be even more difficult.

There is one thing that I saw in my own family. One sibling would say things like my dad loves me more than your dad. Or I get to see my dad all of the time why doesnt your dad come and pick you up. Kids can be cruel, and living in the same house does not make them immune.

You can get her to open up by asking the questions and waiting for a sign. As you go through more and more questions every once in a while throw a question asking her if she is ready to talk about it yet. When she gives you that sign, you may still have to do most of the question asking, but at least she is willing. Remember protecting her from the other sibling knowing that she talked about it, will make her want to open up the next time.

First of all you two need to understand you need to work as a TEAM. If the two of you stand together, united, then the children will find their place.

You and your hubby need to seek professional help concerning how a marriage really works. Then you need to seek help on how to deal with your children.

I think once these steps are accomplished, then all will be better.

Good luck! ls

You didn't mention any facts about talking to the stepdaughter about any school problems. If it is teasing or upmanship just so your stepdaughter feels more powerful, talk to her about family -- the people who will be in her life always--- even if friends come and go. This relationship needs to be strengthened and nurtured. Often I was at a loss to get information from my children until I became a "driver" to activities. The other kids in the back seat of the car usually talked nonstop about school, activites, and friends without prompting. I acted as if I was just a driver watching the traffic but my ears where open taking it all in. DO NOT JOIN IN THE CONVERSATION --JUST LISTEN. K

H., do you think she is depressed? Maybe you could mention something to your pediatrician for a recommendation. It sounds like she is exhibiting some symptoms. Again, your pediatrician should be of help to you. If not, call your insurance company for recommendations of counselors that work with children.
Good luck to you, I know it is so hard to see your daughter hurting & not know how to help her. Hang in there mama!
J.

Since the note idea seemed to go well, you might see if she's willing to write in a journal or diary. Then if she wants you to read it, she can leave it for you in a specific place (someplace where the other kids will not touch it--in our house, that's my underwear drawer, lol). Make sure she knows that no one else is allowed to read it, including you, unless she gives permission or leaves it for you in that place; that way, she will feel secure knowing she can write whatever she's feeling and you won't think she's "bad" for feeling such things (not that you would actually think that, but she might worry about it). Make sure she has a secure place to put it when she is not writing in it, also--curiosity might be too much for one or more of her siblings if they know it's just sitting out on her dresser, or if they see her put it under her mattress, for example.

If it gets any worse, or you can't come up with a workable solution, my 11 year old dd says to consider homeschooling your dd (lol). I'd have to agree to at least try it--my shy dd has really benefitted from it. It's certainly not for everyone, but we LOVE it (and to think I used to be against it...)!

Anyway, I HTH! Good luck!
--A.

I would start by talking to her teachers and find out if they've noticed anything going on at school. If she has a friend or two you could ask might also be helpful. I have an 11 yr old daughter, too and I would do my best to find out what was upsetting her at school. Also talk with your step daughter about this. My sister and I didn't always get along at school either, she is only 14 months older than me. As we grew older she became more jealous and competitive towards me. We knew a lot of the same people and even had some of the same friends. I always felt she would try to out shine me to make herself look better...some siblings are just like that.I hope you get to the root of the problem, good luck!
V.

Why not talk to the step-sister? If the step-sister is the one being mean, it seems to me that she should be the one who is analyzed and corrected.

tricky issue: if you address this with the stepdaughter, then you open the gate for more harassment if that's the issue. You know, as in..."boo-hoo baby, had to go cry to Mommy"...kinda thing. We've all seen it in the movies.

I also am uncomfortable with addressing this with the counselor, the teachers, & other outside venues. This is your daughter, your extended family! Those lines of communication need to be opened, especially with teenhood coming up. What about making a list of issues....& then have a conference with your daughter...somewhere just the two of you & no one else. Hold her hand, go thru the list... & tell her if she can't verbally express herself, then to please just squeeze your hand when you hit on something that worries her.

Finally, even at age 11, she could be experiencing PMS & other hormonal issues. & I just realized, she's the oldest! Another huge issue! WOW, what a quadruple whammy: pre-teen, could be hormonal, step-issues, the oldest. Whew.....get that communication open!

It sounds like her step sister is a bully and she doesnt want to tell you because shes embarrassed. It also sounds like there might be jealousy. I would try to get it out of her and let her know that you will stand by her and your on her side. She may not tell you because shes afraid she will get picked on more if she has her mommy deal with her issues. I would just tell her that you dont have to intervene, you can just help her out with how to deal with it herself? I can remember not telling my mom things because I was afraid I would get made fun of more if my mommy stepped in.

Im really pushy. I ask questions until I get the answers. Sure sometimes they may not tell it all but they are 17 and 18 now and sometimes they tell me more than I'd like to know.

I understand your concern and it would drive me crazy. I would want to know. Sometimes kids make a bigger deal out of things but "kids" "girls" especially can be seriously cruel.

I just wanted to add: the school counselor thing made me cringe a bit. I want my kids to rely on me and their pastor not someone who I don't know anything about their values or beliefs. Point your child to YOU, YOU are their protector, YOU love them like no one else. My kids have never needed the school counselor. Im glad they are there for the kids whose parents are abusive or addicted. But we as parents need to know our children better than anyone else.

God Bless,
L. (H now)

Schedule a meeting with the teacher. Find out what is happening at school. Then you will know what to do. It also wouldn't hurt to meet with the counsellor.

First, I would start with the teacher and ask her descretely if she has noticed anything between the girls.

Second, if your daughter has a hard time talking with you (or anyone) why not start with writing her a note. Tell her how much you love her and you KNOW that she is hurting and you want to help but don't know how. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you, could she do it in a letter? Maybe you can have a secret place you can leave letters to eachother. I would also caution, that if you keep these letters, get a box that can lock (and not a cheapy lock that can be picked) so that her sibblings have no chance at getting in to read her letters...that way you will also have a paper trail in case you should need to go to counseling later. Even if you don't end up in counseling, it is a good record of communication between you two...I know I have 2 boxes of letters my mom sent to me while I was in College and overseas and I treasure every one of them now that she's gone. I may not have enjoyed the long lectures then but they were pearls of wisdom nonetheless and written with much love.

Sometimes, it is easier to write things than to say them because you don't have to watch a persons expressions for how they will feel when you say something or worry about how to say something so it sounds just right.

Another thing I would recommend is some more one on one time with her...even if it's just you two walking around the block together at night. As the eldest she might feel a little threatened and left out now that she's in such a large mixed family. Maybe she just needs some extra special time with you.

H.,
Is she good at writing? Could she keep a journal of things she writes in it no matter if it is good things or bad things? This is easier if she has her own room to hide it in. No one but her can read it unless she shares it with you. I know that it helped me out until I wrote some stuff in mine about sucide and showed it to my dad. I will never forget that New Years Day and the awful things that he said to me. I was around 16-17 years old at the time. I did not live with him. I have never showed him anything again that meant anything like to me. I did sometimes share it with my mom and my counslers and teachers. My mom was one that did not search my room for stuff so I was lucky in that asspect and I did not have siblings that lived at home with me after my parents divorice when I was 13. My sister went to live with my dad and Step Mom (who is only 7 years older than me) when my dad moved from St. Louis to Missippi. I lived with them until the move and then my sister and me traded places so to say. I did not get along with my step mom till recently sorry to say we both had some growing up to do.
Also Maybe taking her out for a picnic in the park just the two of you or someplace where there is no one around to over hear you talk might help her out as well. Maybe she is too afraid that her step sister will over hear what she is saying and that she will get her back at school later. Sorry that I can not help you more.