Almost 14 Yrs Old and Ready to Fly the Coupe, but I'm Holding on for Dear Life!

Not meaning to be harsh, but your post is the fourth plea of this kind I have seen/heard in the last week. I guess my thought is, why are so many parents "afraid" to tell their kids "NO"? Why are so many parents afraid to take control over who their kids associate with, or have a say as to how they spend their free time? Aren't they still minors, in your charge until they are legally an adult? YOU need to guide them, tell them what is right and wrong, help them make the right decisions. You can't leave them to do this on their own. When kids are sheltered with no guidance and then sent out into the world blindly, THAT is when kids go "hog wild" as a previous poster argued. Kids who have been guided and given reasons why something is a bad idea versus just sheltered, are the ones who learn to navigate around trouble. There is a big difference between sheltering and just blindly assuming a child can fend for themselves because you avoided situtations during their formative years. They need guidance from a parent..not their peers.

THIS in my opinion is THE time to be involved in your child's life, more than any other time. They do not have the maturity to reason well or make wise decisions as much as so many parents believe or mistakenly assume. They simply do not have enough life experience to do so. That is why they have parents. We DO know and sadly many of us HAVE made life changing mistakes.

With that said, I'm always discouraged to see so many parents, especially mothers, who refuse to get involved, put their foot down, or steer their child's interest in such a way that they'll be saved from life changing mistakes for the rest of their lives.

This isn't about whether you can trust your child or not...or whether they don't understand or know better. It's a battle for the will of your child. Simply put, if you don't parent and create boundaries, their band of lost soul peers will do it for you. The minute you let your child run mindlessly with their friends (most who also have parents who have thrown in the towel offering boundaries and guidance-- trusting that their kids know better than to get into trouble) they are gone. Giving up now is to tantamount to you giving up any and all parental authority during a crucial time in your child's life. Do not expect them to listen or respect you anymore, even if you continue to pay their cell phone bills, car payments and car insurance. Their new family...the people they will go to for advice, direction and to form their conscience and values will be their misguided and often unparented peers. It will be YOU who is cut out of the picture forever.

I know many seeing this will say harsh, unrealistic, whatever...but I've seen enough now to know, this is reality. Parents today have only one choice with their tween (it starts that early) and teen children: to accept or go against the norm of giving them unlimited freedom, resources and adult status before they're emotionally and financially prepared for it, and actually and truly parent your child through high school and college IF possible by setting boundaries, expectations and if necessary removing them from situations and people that will ruin their lives in the end.

Parents need to stop being afraid of dealing with an angry child, or afraid of what others will think or say about their parenting style....All of this negative talk about "helicopter parenting" and "Tiger Mothers" in lieu of "Free Range Parenting" boils down to what is a cultural war of sorts with parental roles at the center. Kids will continue to spiral as long as parents continue to give up their rights as parents as soon as a child is old enough to sass back.

If you are worried about your child getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, remove her from the situation. You reprioritized your finances by moving into a smaller home. Respectfully I ask, `what about reprioritizing how you are going to parent?' If I were in your shoes (which interestingly I have a dear friend in your shoes right now...her husband is in law enforcement as well) I'd pull your child out of that school and put her into a private school or somewhere where she'll come in contact with people and an environment that jives your values and parenting style. I'd get her involved in worthwhile activities she CAN participate in, and steer her toward kids and families that share your values before it's too late.

Sure she'll complain, and say she hates you. But that's because thankfully, nothing life changing has happend to her yet and maturity hasn't set in. Your goal now should be to keep it that way...no life changing tragedies or mistakes. Years from now, when you both get past this difficult time where she thinks approval from a bunch of loser friends headed no where is so important, she'll be thankful as she watches them one by one meet their fate as failures in love, career and life because they depended on other misguided kids for guidance or worse didn't have parents who cared enough to set them straight.

All I can say is do not be afraid to set boundaries. Not because your husband is in law enforcement, but because your daughter's future happiness and life depend on it. How will you feel if she winds up in an abusive marriage, on drugs, in an accident, with a criminal record or worse, with no options for a future because she wasted her best academic years trying to get the approval of people who in the end won't matter. She should be focused on worthwhile endeavors right now...endeavors like making herself the best, well rounded, centered person she can be. School should be priority not a social life.

Jobs are scarce and the signs are around us that only the cream of the crop will be lucky enough to get a mediocre job unless the economy turns around. Why even second guess yourself by agreeing to let her throw her life away to avoid teen angst and a fight. While ultimately, once she is out of the house she could still make bad choices, I say don't let the bad choices happen under your watch. You have a mission. Stick to it and be tough and save her from herself so she can have a shot a better future. You'll at the very least be able to sleep at night knowing no matter what, you did the right thing by doing your part as her mother...regardless of her future choices once she's out of the house.

I have a 14-year-old. I also have a 23-year-old so I've been through this before.

Where is it that you don't want her to hang out? Because I think you might be a little too strict. Teenagers really need some independence and they also identify with their friends at this time and really need to be around them.

If they're decent kids, how about taking them some places where you stick around? Like a roller skating rink, ice skating rink, the mall, the movies. Get to know these friends. Maybe they're really nice girls. Sometimes teenagers don't seem so nice, but if you get to know them a bit and kid around with them, you find they are just average kids like your own.

You say your daughter has never given you a reason not to trust her.... So loosen the reigns a little bit and see what happens. She will test the waters, like you say. All kids do. I don't think you can keep them under your thumb forever. You have to let them go a bit and let them feel their independence and learn how to be a good kids on their own without you standing over them all the time.

Our rules are group outings at 16, single date outings at 17/18 depending on the situation. She is only 14, that is still quite young to have as much freedom as she is requesting. You need to come up with a gameplan, as in activities she wants to participate in, you need to know who, when and where, and what they will be doing, who will be supervising. Also, what are the weekly limits? Once a week on a weeknight and then once on a weekend? Come up with a plan to compromise on. Just going and hanging out is a lot of freedom for a child that young, and lots of trouble can happen that way.

14 is very young. I am a believer that just "hanging out" for the purpose of not being at home is asking for trouble. I agree that it sounds as if you have given her a solid raising. I would suggest sitting down with her and coming up with a plan. She should have a purpose for going out, the movies, shopping with friends, etc..........not just to be out. My daughters have to have a purpose/something they are going to do before they are allowed to go out.
Good luck, you will make the right decision.

I have a 15 year old son who I, admittedly, keep on a sort leash. I do trust him, but we all know that young teens do not have well developed impulse control or cognitive thinking skills.

He can go to the skating rink on weekend nights if he wants too - they have something equivalent to a lock in so the kids can't wander in and out all night and maintain a dress code and behavior standard - he can go to the teen club that is run by a local Christian youth organization - and that is really about it.

His friends are welcome here - as he has his first girlfriend I am learning to invite her over for afternoon activities - but they are always chaperoned - I am either in the room with them, or in the next room.

My son does chafe at the restrictions sometimes, but we also discuss the repercussions of teens being immature by nature. He knows that once he moves out into own place that he can do anything he wants. He also knows that I am trying to prepare him for responsible adulthood - as much as he hates the thought. LOL

It is a balancing act, this raising of teens. One the one hand we want them to grow and mature and become independent adults on the other we want to protect them from the bumps and bruises of life. You need to find a happy medium with your daughter - maybe have a few friends over and give them the living room for night, allow the skating rink, or a movie - find a few places that she can go that are supervised and safe but allow her a sense of freedom.

Hey, the one thing we have going for us it that we are the parents - we can always fall back on the standard "because I said so" response when faced with unreasonable requests from teens.

Good Luck
God Bless

Yes, there is such a thing as a bad crowd. Yes, parent intuition trumps all. Those who say otherwise are the naive ones, not you. Put your foot down and set boundaries.

The fact that your spouse is in law enforcement is probably fuel to the fire for those fringe friends and your daughter. They probably see it as a challenge or game. "Let's see you prove you're not a goody-goody" and "Let's see how much I can get away with under my dad's nose. The more they sit there doing nothing or giving in to my requests for freedom, the more I'll be viewed as cool and a force to be reckoned with among my minion friends."

I can see where this sad tale is going to go. In the end, your daughter is the one who is going to suffer if the game of chicken goes wrong. Let's hope the stakes aren't high or irrepairable. Kids today are cruel and sophistocated. Who knows where her so-called friends will set the bar to win their approval, let alone what her tolerance level is to keep giving them what they want so she can fit in? One can safely assume, no matter what however high the stakes are, it will end with a criminal record or worse. Let's hope as another poster mentioned, it won't be a life changing event.

I say forget giving your kid some "leash" it's time for some boundaries.

I strongly recommend How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I haven't yet read that somewhat more grownup version of "…So Kids Will Listen," which is simply the best, most do-able, most effective parenting book I have yet read. The authors teach you how to nurture a mutual trust and respect with your child. So I'm sure the teen version will be just as helpful.

I think you will eventually learn, perhaps in the future when your daughter is remembering her early teen years, that as much as she chafes at your rules and restrictions, she's also grateful for them and knows it's love you express with your deep concern for her. She "knows" what your rules are, and why they exist. Her longings at this age are deep and compelling (ah, freedom; maturity; choices; fun!). And she will "test the waters" in her own way and to the degree she believes she must. Almost all teens do.

But it sounds like your mothering has been pretty solid, since she's never given you a reason not to trust her. You can be grateful for all those years of work, communication, training and example. I think you'll find out that in spite of all the allure of these friends, your influence with her will remain important to her. So any waters she feels compelled to test may be in the shallow end.

In this light, I also recommend you read the following article, excerpted from the amazing book, Future Shock. There's a lot of surprising and helpful information there, based on actual studies of real kids. http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

From a mom who passed through those white knuckle years pretty much unscathed, I'm wishing you and your daughter the best.

What about a compromise? If it's not the friends but the location, then say, "No, but you could do x" or she could invite a few friends and not the whole crew. When we wonder if my SD's plans are true (she's 17), we call the family and "offer to give the girls a ride" one way or the other and basically check that the story is true and she knows it. And the parents know they can do the same and we'll confirm that we'll be here, etc. It's not keeping SD under lockdown, but it is following up when the fish doesn't smell right. All these kids are dating age and we're not the only ones with the "no boys in the bedroom" rule. We impressed on the kids that they can't take more than they can earn. The other week SD wanted to bring her BF over, and I needed to get out of the house. The compromise was they could walk to a shopping/hangout area near the school and DH would pick them up there and take her and BF home. That sort of thing.

So start small. One friend's house after school? Or one trip to the mall and she needs to be ready for you at x time sharp? If she follows the rules, she can have more freedom.

And, frankly, at the end of the day you've either instilled good judgement and values in the kids or you haven't and one day you're just going to have to see how they fly.

I've got a 14 year old and 13 year old (both in 8th grade) and have no problem being up their asses sideways about where they're going and who they're with. I am the mom who has contact info for all of their friends' parents. If they say they're going over so-and-so's house, I call a parent and make sure that they know of the plan and are home. If there's a party, I talk to the host parents first and find out who is going to be there (for both parents and guests) and if I don't like the guest list, they don't go. There's no getting dropped off at the mall and being allowed to wander aimlessly around for the afternoon, no hanging out in the woods or at the pizza shop on half days, or going to the places in my town where kids get in trouble.

If I were you, I would encourage her to find some hobbies - it's not all about sports...how about art or music? Is there a school yearbook or newspaper? Volunteer clubs? Student council? And I would encourage her to find some friends whose families have the same values and level of paranoia that you do (lol). My kids' friends' families are just like my husband and me and appreciate that they're not the only ones whose kids aren't allowed to just hang out unsupervised killing time and that other parents keep tabs on their kids too. Or if you are close with the parents of any of your daughter's friends, perhaps you could gently inform them of what goes on where there kids hang out - perhaps hearing from someone with an insider's perspective from law enforcement might make them reconsider giving their kids carte blanche to just go anywhere and do anything with anyone.

Continue to make your home available to your daughter's friends (even if it's not as comfortable as before) and also make yourself available to drive them places. Be the mom who will take them to the mall, but will stay, will require regular check ins, and will drive them home. Obviously can't hold the reigns this tight forever, but 14 is, IMO, far to early to start loosening them.

Woah. She's 14 (ALMOST 14??!!). You're debating this way too much. Heck no. She does not have time to jeopardize her future by wasting time hanging around with friends all the time. Period. I'm not seeing the issue, really. I would have never in a BLUE MOON been allowed to hang out like this at 14 in my house or anywhere else! Not with nice kids, and certainly not with sketchy kids. She sounds a bit used to having her way. People who say their kids are going to get into whatever they want no matter what are the naive ones. Idle hands are the devil's playground (or whatever). What's all this about the police department? OF COURSE she shouldn't be getting into trouble even if there were no cops in the family.

What was I doing at that age? Homework. Babysitting. Housecleaning. Grocery bagging. Dish washing. Church choir (took on extra work hours so I could ditch that though). Piano practice. Drawing to get my portfolio ready to apply to art workshops and eventually art school. On the RARE occasion that I got to go to a movie, it was with a group of APPROVED friends, the parents all dropped us off and picked us up AT THE THEATER and grilled us on what the movie was about to make sure we knew. Don't get me wrong, I got plenty of socializing, because guess what, at the grocery store where I bagged groceries, and the Officer's Club where I washed dishes, there were lots of other kids working, and we found ways to have fun.

When I see teenagers wandering around holding hands and hanging out in packs all day I'm baffled. It is very short sighted, but natural for them to want to. It's up to parents to keep them on track until they are on their own. You pay her bills, you call the shots. Don't let her ruin her life. She's 14 (13!!!). She doesn't need to test the waters exploring and "earning trust" right now. Where do you honestly think she will be at age 16 (still two years shy of adulthood three years from now) if you let her hang around like this all the time? She can earn your trust and her own self respect by keeping busy with productive things and NOT hanging around all the time with other kids whose parents don't care. You are doing the RIGHT THING when you say no.

ETA

Since you didn't mention a family member abusing your daughter that does change things up a bit. She has had the experience and she wants to continue even though it wrong. She does not know the difference between good and bad sex. This is something that you will have to explain to her and be matter of fact when you do. You also have to consider her an adult in this area to make things work no more little innocent school girl she is a woman in this department no matter how little she really knows. Just keep the communicatons open and don't think of her as a disappointment.

I agree with Momma L and Manda F in what they have said.

I will add that a friend of mine had 4 daughters that she kept close to home. When they got a chance to get out they went "hog" wild! They all had a military experience of going into the Air Force, Air Force Academy graduate, Marines and Army wife. However, they wound up married to military to break away from home and later divorce with children (3 of them) and one single lives on the wild side of living the life. Two are remarried and two are single as of the family fall-out.

Their mom admits to the mistake. She is "trying" to amend her ways with the grands (all boys) that remains to be seen. Two of the grands live with her and husband and a real strain on their marriage (another very long story) that is taking a toll.

Compromise a bit and give a little leash. School her on the "big" world out there. Have her make decisions at home so that she is not lost with the deer in the headlight look. As much as you want to "protect" your child you can't. You have to have faith that you have taught him/her right and pray that they understand what was said. You can't live in a bubble your whole life. Besides that if you are "afraid" that her "group" is that bad and does get involved in shady things your daughter should have sense to know better. Even kids whose parents are law enforcement have had issues but not as many as those who don't.

Bottom line is your daughter is growing up whether you are ready for it or not. If you are worried about her becoming a druggie or preggers keep holding her close. You have to have respect both ways. Start a chart system or something. Set up how to handle things that might come up with a code word where you can go and pick her up if she needs help. Don't berate her with the "I told you so" or you will lose her.

The teen years are for breaking away and being independent of the parent. Sometimes it is easy and gentle and sometimes it is wild and rough on all involved. I trust that you will find your way. Curfew have you got one?

Good luck for the next 4 years. Keep the lines of communication open regardless of what is said. Remember back to when you were that age and what you thought and how did you survive these years. Your parents had a lot of patience and so should you.

The other S.

PS Sometimes we have to fall down to understand what mom and dad meant the school of hard knocks.

PPS That area of Jersey has grown up. It used to be a very small town and the lake was the happening spot in the summer when I was a kid.

try it out she needs some freedom ask where she will be who what remind her who her father is let her go and if she gets in trouble never again till she grows up You need to let her be a teen

She needs to keep busy.

She can get a job. Babysitting or being a mother's helper. She can learn computer skills - buy her a tutorial to learn some sort of computer application or web design and then she can earn money from her own desktop. Or let her be creative and come up with a way she wants to earn money. I know plenty of kids in the neighborhood who offer to take pictures and help w/kid's parties, clean out garages, clean out cars...stuff like that beyond the lemonade stand, paper route and mowing lawns. THey pass around flyers and leave in our mailboxes or doorknobs.

She can join a theater or choir group. Or help on the yearbook staff. They are not physical. They mostly meet after school and are always so busy preparing for performances that they never have time for anything else besides homework.

She can volunteer, either a a children's hospital or nursing home.

You won't be able to trust her outside your jurisdiction unless she proves her worth. And she can't prove her worth until she has the opportunity. Instead of waiting for her to make a big and costly mistake, allow her some freedom to make a few small mistakes so she can learn and see that you really do mean business when it comes to consequences.

A job for her w/responsibilities will be a great opportunity for you both.

we use the phrase, "you are who you hang with". In my older son's case, it meant that he knew that he if was out/about in our small town, then he could count on being pulled over & searched. Whenever he complained, my response was, "good! Nice to know the police are doing their job". It would infuriate him, but....tough....you hang with trash & druggies....then you pay the price. AND pay the price, he did.....busted twice for possession of paraphenalia, busted twice for DWI.

With our younger son, we are hoping for a better teenhood. His personality is very different, he's fully-engaged with activities, & does enjoy spending time with us. I know life will change when he drives full-time next year, but hope that his core integrity stays in command of his choices. Lots of prayers being sent up!

I think in your daughter's case, once she begins training again, life will become easier. Try to find a more appropriate outlet for her....even volunteering might help! How about a church youth group? As others have suggested, start hauling them all around....& do fun things together! Maybe that would open better pathways for communication!

Don't prejudge her by your own actions....allow her the freedom to make the right choices. Or to make mistakes & learn from them. Doesn't matter if her dad is law enforcement or not....she still has to learn on her own!

Stick to your guns, mama!! You are doing the right thing.

You do have to offer her some freedom but you should know exactly where she is at all times - she is only 14. And if she doesn't follow the rules, punishment. Good luck!

A chore chart at 14? A high schooler? Mom, she is not six! I have a high schooler, age 16. She had three friends here for dinner and to hang out the other night, but the majority of her social life occurs at Starbucks and school events - sports games, theater performances, club outings. Your child can have an active life without sports. Neither of my kids are involved with sports. My 16 year old is an active 4H'er and is in three school clubs. Your teenager sounds extremely sheltered. Please remember that she will be leaving for college in four short years and needs some experience in the outside world before then. If you know the friends that she hangs out with, and know where they are going - the movies, the pizza place, Starbucks, she should be on unsupervised outings, but not allowed to wander the streets aimlessly. Please don't let your own anxieties hold your child back. If you need help for that, please do seek it. Your daughter is not a little girl any more and while it may seem scary to you to parent a teen, don't keep her from a typical/reasonable teen lifestyle due to your own fears or issues. Most teens do not spend all of their time in their own homes with their parents supervising their friend gatherings. Don't allow her to be left behind as her friends move on, or she will be a social outcast.