Advise for Grandparents That Ignore Grandkids

I am having the same problem in my life. I have decided that I think my kids are pretty wonderful and if they don't appreciate them then they don't deserve to be around them. It's a privilege to have them around. They need to understand that and if they don't they are not good enough for them anyway.

Boy does this sound familiar! My siblings and I finally spoke to each other and realized that my mother was working us against each other. (Some crack in her psyche,I guess). This was almost 20 years ago because now I'm the grandma. I finally spoke to my mother and told her how I felt, not sending blame her direction, but focusing the conversation on my feelings. She actually listened. Then I told her that, as their mom, I would do anything to protect my children from any kind of hurt, and that my children would be spending their time with people who loved them and respected them (which meant, not with her), she broke down. First she blamed me, then she admitted that she needed to be a better grandmother. She did better but when she didn't, my children spent less time with her and more time with the other relatives. This is just a suggestion, as it could "blow up in your face", and it's painful. Also, as my children were older, we discussed my mother's short-comings, so that they knew that as respectful children, they SHOULD spend some time with family no matter how difficult it is, but that they didn't HAVE to spend time with them. My children grew up being very lovable, affectionate children. Their aunts and uncle adore them and my mother still shows favoritism, but my children know how to deal with it for their children.

Sometimes we are related to people who treat us terribly, in a way that we would never accept from non-relatives. Think very carefully whether you really want to expose another generation of your family to this behavior.

It's ok to severely limit contact with unkind people. It's actually healthy and wise to do so.

I never left my children alone with my mother. She was so nasty to me growing up, and it was an essential part of her nature. She wasn't going to have an epiphany at age 65 that she should suddenly be kind and loving to my children, when she'd never treated anyone that way before.

If your mother is not pre-disposed to loving your children and treating your family with kindness and respect, it ain't going to happen!

Take charge, please, to protect your children.

Say something to your parents, take them out to lunch one day and let them know how it is making your DD feel, it is possible they don't even realise they are doing it, parents/granparents always have a "favorite" which is OK so long as no one is getting hurt in the process. My grandma wasn't a kid person, which is most likely why she only had my mom :), and sometimes it would take us kids taking the initative to get the hugs and kisses, sadly I must admit I was the favorite and didn't have the problem, but my sister did and she would just "make " grandma pay attention. My sister is 27 know and has had no problems with it she new she was loved and grandma just wasn't as good at showing it to her. I dought I was any help but good luck!

Amy, So sorry to hear this is happening, I am kind of in the same situation except I have 2 girls ages 24 years and 11 years and then i have a grandaughter who is 5 years who lived with me up until 9 months ago, and not only does my mother treat my 11 year old different from my grandaughter my sisters and there husbands do to they basicly ignore my 11 year old. it is very upsetting to sit back and watch how they treat my daughter so I no longer visit or socalize with them and have chosen close friends to replace those relationships
as i will not sacrifice my daughters feelings for any thing. I did have the opportunity to talk to one of my sisters about it and it really made no differents she had an excuse for everything and we just started to argue although it did make me feel better to get it off my chest. so good look and remember we dont get to chose are family members but you do get to chose our friends who are more likely to be better roll models as we got to chose who they are. Deb. P

This is sad to hear. The last line of your statement might be the key to what is happening in your family. You said your parents aren't talking with you, so it might be that they are also taking whatever is bothering them about you out on your kids. Of course, this isn't right or kind, but this might be what is at the bottom of their behavior. If there is a way to repair the conflict between you and them, then you might find that their hearts change towards your kids. This happened to you when you were little, so this might be something that is characteristic to your family...I'm sad to say. I'd love on your kids as much as you can...affirm to them that they are SO loved. It might be wise to limit their exposure to your parents...especially when the other grandkids are present. How awful to see some kids kissed and you are left out. That is not fair. I'm a grandmother. I'd never do that. You kids need assurance, love and protection.

I really like the advise of others for you to get the other kids together on your terms and allow your children that social experience. If you are able to talk to your parents then I think that should happen but if you are not comfortable with that I would keep your children home from grandparent activities for a while. If your parents notice their absence and happen to initiate conversation then you can be sincere in telling them how you and your daughter feel but if they don't, then I think it is better that your children feel loved and accepted at home with you and others who value them. You know how it feels to be in this situation and you don't want your children to grow up with the same feelings. If your daughter asks why you don't go to grandma's anymore I would be honest with her in a 6 year old way. Don't be negative about your parents but let her know that you don't like when she is unhappy.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the better.

Amy, why do you keep taking your kids to these grandparents then?
My parents lived in the same city and they saw my sons the FIRST time when they were 2 and 4. They were NOT interested, neither before, nor after.
So, I did not impose. There was time when we practically lived out on the street, as we were both students, but I never went begging my parents for help, although they were a solid middle class couple, with enough food and shelter, if they decided to care...
The situation changed YEARS later, it really took them a long time to start appreciating their own children (me and my brother) as well as all their grandchildren.
I would just quit taking the children over to that house, and relieve grandparents from the burden, as well as my own children from the pain of mistreatment, unless the grandparents start asking if they could see their grandchildren, on terms of REAL love and care.
I hope it happens sooner, there is really something to pray for!
GooDay, Amy, and do not feel unhappy, feel happy that you have your treasure children, and you are blessed with family, where things are much better!!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation...that is so difficult! My husband's parents are the same way. The grandma will even do things like tell my daughter she cannot spend the night and tell the other granddaughter she can. My daughter is 4 now and is picking up on this and wants to know why the discrepancy. My thoughts are this: don't make a big deal about it unless it could be harmful to your child. Protect your kids like a fierce lioness, but don't make anything into an issue if it doesn't need to. You won't be able to change your parents, that's the sad truth, so mentioning it probably won't do any good. For me it has been an opportunity to teach my children that life isn't fair and that we cannot control things. It's sad that it has to be a lesson learned with family, but it is just the way it is.
Good luck!

Unfortunately we can relate. My folks don't want much to do with me or my kids unless the other grandkids don't have time for them. We have gone out of our way to be reasonable about this. Thinking maybe they feel out of place because it has been such a cool and distant relationship. However, instead of improving, it gets worse. We went to visit the other day, at a time we knew they would be home. My kids knocked on the door, and gramdpa asked "who is it?" and didn't bother to even open the door. We stood there for five minutes. No answer, nothing! Next time I think I will send my kids to their house with sidewalk chalk and paint. Just so they know we care. We have had better relations with my husbands family. That helps but it doesn't fill the gap. I am so sorry, I wish I had better advice, but all I can do is relate.

Have your daughter tell your parents, Grandma, why do like ________ more than me? You never hug or kiss me! You never ask me over until _______is here! Your parents may not be aware that they are doing something to hurt feelings. Let your daughter tell them. Good luck, my mother-in-law was that way with my children. JAB

If you daughter is noticing it, then it must be bothering her to be in the situation. I would not send her over there until it is resovled. Can she still play with her cousins at other times, or does she only see them at the Grandparent's house? I would make sure that your children still see their cousins, so they don't lose touch with everyone. What happened to cause this rift between you and your parents? Maybe they don't realize they are treating your children differently, especially if you were raised this way--maybe it is what they are used to...but that DOESN'T make it okay! Family is so important, especially for children, and they need to know they are loved...if your parents are not providing a loving enviornment, they need to change, or I wouold not allow your children to go over there. It is probably effecting their self esteem.

Dear AVT

It is your responsibility as a parent to protect your children from harmful, negative, hurtful situations, and PEOPLE. If your children are being treated as inferior, they will believe that about themselves. What they believe about themselves, is who they will become. It will shape their entire future.

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinks within himself, so he is!

Being ignored by someone who should love you unconditionally is a very sad, hurtful thing. Protect your children from it, THEY are your priority! Would you leave chlorine bleach next to the bubble bath, hoping the bleach would never be added to your kids bath water? No, you would put the bleach up on a shelf where they couldn't reach it. If you have toxic people dumping on your children, remove your children out of harms way!

Proverbs 15:13 A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.

Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue.

BE ENCOURAGED!! There is an answer to every situation in life, in the Bible. I know it can be hard to understand, and to know where to go. Here are two books that have helped me more than I can tell you, they both transformed my life. They will help you be the woman, wife and mom, employee, friend,, that the Lord intends you to be! And that is a very good thing!!

Blessed Beyond Measure (Experience the Extraordinary Goodness of God) By Gloria Copeland www.kcm.org

The Tongue, A Creative Force by Charles Capps (Recieve from God--Put yourself in a position to receive God's best for you by speaking His Word. Creative Power In You--Man was created in the image of God and His likeness. Learn to speak His faith-filled words to your situation and see your life transformed. Allow God's creataive power to flow from you.)

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You have a wonderful future ahead for you and your children, IF you choose to believe what God says about you, and accept what He has already done for you. It is your choice, He won't force you to choose Him. He chose you when He died on the cross!

ALWAYS REMEMBER: 1Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you!

Last, put certainly not least; Read Psalm 91, it is an amazing Pslam about God's protection. Pray Psalm 91 over yourself and children every day!

There is so much I could tell you to encourage you! The Lord cares about every detail of your life, let Him help you.

Hi,
You know, I feel for you. I never, ever received help from my mother with my children, anything. That goes for my whole family - sisters, etc. You are lucky they at least have play dates! Now that my mother is passed away, my father does do a few things with my kids, but never what you'd expect grandparents to do.

My advice is to allow your parents to be who they are going to be. Teach your children and yourself to always come from a state of being that is filled with love and compassion for others, such as your parents. Who knows what stories are in their head, trapping them from receiving the joy and love from their daughter and grand kids. It's really too bad. Everybody has their story in their head and some behavior that we cannot do anything about. But we can do something about our own state of being - content, joyful, loving and giving toward others no matter what the situation. This transformation of consciousness is bound to get picked up by your parents and your relationship might shift too.
Best wishes,
S.

Hi AVT,

Sounds like there is a lot of hurt on the grandparents side and
they honestly may not realize that they are inflicting the same kind of hurt onto your children. You may try to talk to them but do it it you own setting. Invite them over for dinner of if they maybe too critical, perhaps invite them over for just dessert and express your concerns at how your daughter has expressed how her and her siblings are treated at their house.
Let your parents know how important it is to you and too your kids to have a loving, growing relationship with them. If you feel that this advice is falling on deaf ears, let them know that you won't allow your children to be hurt, even by loved ones and that if they continue their behavior, that they will lose their grandchildren and those precious times watching them grow up. It's so important to have children learn from older individuals other than their parents. There's lots of wisdom from the older generations. May I suggest that you visit an old folks home. Check in at the front desk and see if you can bring your children to visit some people who don't get visitors often. Everyone benefits. I'm so sorry that your parents are being hurtful.

It sounds like you are just as heartbroken over the situation- I understand. My family is very much the same. My children get treated differently then their cousins by Aunt, Uncles and Grandparents- It drives me crazy.

I have resorted to less frequent visits because then the kids and grandparents seem to be more interested. I also try not to let them go just because cousins are there. I just don't like to be treated the way you have explained it and I don't like seeing my kids treated differently either.

Be careful how you handle the situation, but at the same time it is very real. Maybe a special grandma/grandpa day/hour (lunch) would be better then the visits that you are experiencing right now.

Are they treated the same by the other grandparents? If not you might emphasize that relationship more.

My family gets together all the time at the homes of all my sibling and yet when I try to have a get together at my house there is complaining, no shows (everyone said they were coming to my sons 2 birthday party and not one person showed up) I have a lovely house that no one will come to. They say it is not big enough (yet the same size as there own) it doesn't have a fenced yard (my kids are the youngest and have been safe and never stolen) to steep of stairs ( again the youngest kids and no falls down the stairs) the list of things wrong go on and on... I have looked at it from every side in my case and my happiness and my children's happiness does not have to be affected by the mistreatment. You have to do what is right for you and your children.

My children love their grandparents, but we limit some of their activities so that they don't feel to ignored... by them. When they are older they will understand your desisions better- whatever they may be.

How about invite the grandparents to your house in the evening (or any time you know the grandkids aren't with them) so they can spend some time with your kids? I have a similar situation, so I'm pretty good now (after 9 years) of saying, "Oh, that day doesn't work for us," and we just don't go over very often. But I counter that with inviting them to our turf (adults, not cousins), and will go over to their house, but usually metion, "We just have an hour," so we can leave quickly. Good luck!

I am so sorry this is happening to your children and you. My grandma used to treat me the same way and always prefered my brother. This caused a lot of jealousy and resentment on my part towards them both. I finally spoke up for myself when I was a teen and my grandma really tried to change her ways. Of course by then my grandpa was gone and she lived with my mom and me.

My mom does the same thing to my oldest boys. My oldest gets all of the attention and she left my middle one out. Now that she has a new grandson *she only has 3 my sons 18,16 and 9 months* She has been leaving the two oldest boys out. I had talked to her before when she was doing it to my oldest boys. I told her if they couldn't be treated fairly and equally that she couldn't be around them. She did really well until Conor was born. She slipped back a little but when I brought it to her attention she realized what she was doing and quit. I had to keep my oldest boys away from her for 6 months before.

My husband is my oldest boys stepdad. His parents treated my boys just like their grandchildren until Conor was born. They then started to treat our older boys different. We had to do the same thing to them. If they can't treat them all equally then they can't see any of them.

I know this is hard to do and so hurtful. It is what worked for my family though. We had talked to my mom until we were blue in the face and nothing worked until we used tough love. Bring it to your parents attention if they don't change their actions keep your kids away from them. You are only protecting your kids from hurt and resentment towards their other family members. I hope it all works out ok for you.

How about inviting your parents (the grandparents) over to your home where your kids are the ONLY ones around and see if this will make a difference....or you take your children to your parent's home to visit when you know that other grandchildren won't be around...and try to nurture the one on one relationship. At least give it a try. I have seen that some adults do have a better "connection" with certain personalities of children, although I am not saying this is true in your case. Or, could it be that if your parents are not happy in their relationship with you, it is automatically affecting their feelings toward your children, and perhaps they don't even realize the difference they are showing? Maybe, your 6 yr old should ask Grandma for a hug and kiss and see what the response is from the child???? N. H.

My husband's parents (and older sister) never liked me, and now they basically ignore my kids. To hear them tell it, I had nothing to do with their conception or birth...but that is a different story. We live far away from them for many reasons, but we visit every other year. When we go, my mother in law insists on bringing her other grandchildren along on everything we do, so there is never any time with grandma just for my kids. When this happens, grandma spends the whole time hugging the other grand kids and excusing their bad behavior (like trying to push my kids out the window of a moving tram on a nature reserve). It really ticks me off. They never come to our home to visit our kids. So finally, my husband said something, and on our last visit, my kids got one day alone with grandma, which I guess is a step in the right direction. I would suggest talking to your parents, share how you feel, give examples, and see what happens. They may not even realize they are doing what you are seeing them do. It may not even hurt to have your 6 year old say to them what she said to you. My mom definitly has a favorite grand child, and the other kids are realizing it. When her favorite moved away, she started treating one of my kids better than the other, and I flat out told her that I would not allow her to do that. YOU are the mom, you make decisions for your family, and if talking to them doesnt work, then make the decision to remove your kids from harms way, like you would if they were in a street with a car coming at them.

My mother's mother was not good with kids, and I never understood why we never spent much time with her, but now I know it was to protect us from her short fuse. Sometimes that is what is best. GOOD LUCK

You said that your parents are not really talking to you right now. That's probably the issue. I don't know your parents, but I do know people like them (giving preferential treatment). It may be immature, but your parents are probably treating your kids differently because they have a problem with you. I think the behavior will probably change a little if you resolve your own issues with them. Also, you could take your kids to see the grandparents when no one else is there. Schedule something with just your family and them so they are forced to spend time with just your kids. They may not even be doing it on purpose. My grandparents obviously favor three of their grandkids (one family) over the rest because they like their mother the best out of all their 5 kids. But if someone ever said anything, they are shocked that anyone would think such a thing and insist that they love all their children (and grandchildren) equally. I hope it gets better for you, and your kids. It's hard when your kids pick up on adult things like that.

Dear Amy In my experts my husbands parents would not even pick up my kids when I went to visit them. It really heart. She would say that she had arthritis and could not pick them up but some times I would go over there and find her with the other grand kids holding them . I found out later when my kids were older they would sneak over to there grand parents house anyway.Then she would complain about them spilling things. I think the only thing you can do is love your kids and try and explain that sometimes life is not quite far and that is there Grandparents loss because they are the best kids in the hole wide world . I hope this will help. C. J.

I know how you feel. My inlaws are like that with my son from a previous relationship. I brought it to their attention and they act better toward him but then its back to square one. Here's the kicker, I have 4 other kids besides hime that "belong" to that family. I have 2 stepkids and 2 of my own with the man that is the father of the stepkids. So my son gets differential treatement where as my younger kids get the same treatment as all the other grandkids.

I just quit taking them over to my inlaws house. That works because then they ask to see them and its different. Then I take them over there and things are better. The only other thing I can suggest is to pull your mother aside and tell her that her six year old granddaughter notices that she doesn't get hugs and kisses. Maybe that will wake her up and make her realize. Of course you can always go with a "nannycam" where you can see what goes on to provoke this kind of behavoir from your mother and father.

Good luck I hope things work out for you.

That is really tough. Unfortunately you have to be the one to communicate with your parents. Otherwise the children will get stuck in the middle and suffer the most. Explain how you feel and that this treatment is unacceptable. Maybe set up play dates with just yourself and all the other children, not to be malicious, but to make a point to the kids that any issues are not about them at all and that they are loved unconditionally. That is extremely important for self esteem issues. If your parents want to remain in their lives they will have to change their behavior towards them. Ultimately it is up to you. You have the control over what your kids are subjected to. Me and my husband have always said, the kids come first, before us or anyone else. Our number one job as parents is their well fair. Hope this helps.

This brings back memories. While my children were growing up I had the believe that my parents didn't love them as much as the other grandchildren.
I was the only stay at home mom and my mother was the one watching the rest of the grandchildren. Whenever we went over I felt like an outsider.
For years I let the believe run me and my children.

Then my son became a young adult he decided that he wanted a close relationship with his grandparents. Now he is very close with them, simply because he decided to be the one to make sure that he had a loving connection with them.
Because of his actions it has made me look more closely at how I created the distance with both myself and my children.
I invite you to do the same. I am not saying that what you are experiencing in not true. What I am saying is relationships can shift as we have the courage to reach out and ask for love.

Remember hugs can go both ways... when was the last time you and your daughter hugged your parents and told them that you love them.

There are obviously issues between you and your parents which are unresolved for whatever reason. You didn't say why you all are not on good speaking terms and that is fine because it is not important. The important thing is to get them to look beyond that issue and see the hurt they are causing your daughter. If you can't speak to them, write them a letter. Do not use it as a forum to address the issues between you all but simply to tell them how your daughter feels and to ask if they will consider treating her like the other grandkids. Ask them to let you know if they feel that they can do that and if not, to let you know so that you can figure out what the best course of action is for your daughter. Don't bring up your own past hurts. Just keep the letter simple, short, honest and focused on your daughter's feelings as a 6 year old child. State that she has no responsibility for the issues between you and your parents and she truly wants to have a loving relationship with them.

I m saying a prayer that they come around and that your relationships will be healed.

K.

Perhaps they use their other grandkids as an excuse to have your daughter come over because they do not know how to comfortably ask you bring her over another time and inviting her over when cousins are there has worked in the past so they just keep trying that. Perhaps they do not know how to give hugs to her because (since she is in fact an extension of you) they do not know how to express their love for you either. There are two sides to this. You will never know theirs if you don't ask. Withdrawing never helps and always hurts. I suggest you find a way to discuss this with them without being angry.

Hi my name is T.... All I have to say is that maybe not let your kids go with them and then when the grandparents catch on they will finally ask and possibly listen. My niece and nephew get that from their other grandparents and soon they will tell you how they feel, so listen up!!!

I am a mom of three...15,12,and 4 Centennial,co

Its the bad moments as a kid I tend to remember to. I would give your children more of the more loved memories and less of the not so loved memories for their own good.

Are your children safe with their grandparents? If they are, let the other stuff go, and continue taking them, unless they specifically ask to not go. Family is very important, even if we don't like what certain members of our extended family (even our immediate family!!) do sometimes. It's my humble opinion that you will do your children a larger disservice by not allowing them to be with their grandparents. They need to know how to deal with other people, and where better to learn from our family that we don't necessarily like? :) You can counter the negative by making sure your children know they are priceless and loved, no matter how others may treat them. Making comparisons so often can put us in a perpetual "I'm not loved or valued" mindset that hurts us more than the original act did. When they want to know why the other grandchildren are getting loves they don't, tell them to ask their grandparents. Sometimes it takes having a mirror put in our face to realize what we are doing. If you stop allowing your parents and children to spend that time together, you might end up teaching them that forgiveness and love is conditional, and that relationships aren't important once things get a little sticky. That having been said, if you feel that easing up on the visits a bit would help, that's okay too. You have the right to and your children do too, to take a step back from it for a bit. It obviously is a hurt for you that hasn't healed. I know this sounds trite, but it really is true... Forgiveness isn't for the offender, it's for the offended. The people I see around me that are the happiest, let this sort of stuff go. I did with my father, and am very happy with it. My sons have a good relationship with him, and amazingly, so do I. On the otherhand, my sister hasn't forgiven him and is very unhappy. (Background here... we, as girls were not treated the same as our brothers.) If you give it time, forgiveness, and patience, it will improve. And even if it never improves, you can hold your head high, knowing that you did the right thing, even if they didn't. I sure hope this helps!!!

Hopefully your parents don't realize they are doing this to your daughter. Even though your parents are not really talking to you, you still need to make it a point in letting them know how your daughter feels. Do not revert back to how you felt...only concentrate on your daughter.
They need to be made aware. Don't attack them. Just simply, tell them it was brought up by your daughter and you wanted them to know that this is how she is feeling.
Make sure that your daughter isn't "twisting" things a little tho. I have a six y/o and she will twist and try to play my parents off her cousins to make herself look a little better.
My inlaws didn't know how to handle being grandparents and they would only want my daughter when it was convenient for them at first. It took us moving form TX to UT for them to realize what they were missing. Hopefully it won't come to something as drastic for you.

Have your 6 yr old ask gma or gpa why they treat her and her siblings this way. Or when they ask for your kids to come and "entertain" the other grandchildren have your children be unavailiable for these times and offer to let them come over another time for some one on one time with gma and gpa

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. If you can't talk to them and this is really bothering you, I would just stop letting them see your kids. You and your kids shouldn't have to put up with that.

Hi Amy & Everyone...

Let me start by saying, this grandparent has a view point and I hope you can see where I am coming from. I don't air things in public often, but I know there are many sides to all things.

I for one do not want to "stick my nose in". It is like walking on egg shells most of the time. You don't know what to say, when to say it and hell, it is easier to stay away especially when you know that this is truly what the daughter-in-law and her mother truly wants.

Not long ago it was thrown into our faces that we purchased worthless gifts (for all occasions)spent little time, etc. To make a long story short, we were not putting OUT enough money and didn't deserve to be grandparents. That come from the 'other' so called granny.

If being a grandparent means spending huge amounts of money, to BUY the love of a child...then the parents are NOT doing their job. We know this as fact because the granny in question did not teach her daughter squat! Couldn't cook for her husband or family, couldn't do much of anything when she come into our family. But she is learning. The kids want this and demand that and play with it a couple hours and the MOTHER cleans out the toys and stuff...and throws it away. I watched her toss brand new things into the garbage. Clothes that were perfectly good, but dirty, were thrown away.

We all have our good and bad points. Some people are just plain ignorant when it comes to life and what is right and what is wrong. We all try and do the very best we can and then we just go our own way and do our own thing as parents.

I HOPE...from my mouth to GOD'S ears and back...that my four grands know they are loved, cherished, blessings and gifts from GOD to me! I refuse to buy them. LOVE IS FREE...

Wow you hit close to home on this one with me, though it is different with my mom and my kids but the grandparent things was exact with my moms parents. I made a choice when I was young that they would never hurt my kids the way I was hurt by them. My kids are 10,8 and 4 now this last summer was the first time my grandmother had seen my kids other than in pics.
We talked and now she is part of my life again but it has been a hard road coming. I would tell you to make a choice and stand by it. It hurt me really bad that my grandparents didn't seem to want me and made me really resentful to them, I choose not to allow my kids to go through that.

When your parents ask why after they catch a clue then explain it to them, they probablly don't even realize they are doing it.