I have custody of two boys, age seven and eight. The bio parents, have been out of the kids life for about three years. When they were around, more or less they used the kids for a place to live. The boys have been with me since they were six weeks old and one year old. The parents would drop them off for days, weeks rven up to months with my family. When the needed a place to live, because thier friends kicked them out, they would come to my house take the boys and go to the shelter with them, make new friends move in with them, sending the boys back to us. Once the bio mom took the boys out of state for six months. She left them with strangers and then they got split up , the bio dad went and got them and brought them back to our family again. Finally after several times of going to court I got custody of them. About a year later the bio mom kidnapped them. We got them back, and it was really bad for a long time. We took them to a therapist for a couple of years. They were afraid to leave my side, the oldest started school and would ask every day if I was going to be home when he got back. They were scared to go outside and if some heard a noise outside they would run and hide, even trying to get under the couch, witch only had about a two inch opening. Now the bio dad wants to see them and he took me to court. The boys don't even remember them anymore. We go to a therapist tomorrow to let the boys know that the bio dad wants to get back into thier lives. How do Ihandle this with the boys, if they start going back to the way they did before?? What can I do?
My husband and I took the boys to the appointment with the therapist. Both of the boys said that they don't remember "Bob," *(I changed the name) or anyone else. When they were asked who was thier Mom and Dad, both replied to us.(We were outside the room) Then they were asked how many Dads do you have, both said one. When asked how many Moms the oldest said two, the therapist asked who was the second one and he said my "Grandmom", talking about my mom, who we just visited out of state less than a month ago. The younger one said one. She talked to the boys one on one, then brought me back into the room, as they played with the toys there, she told me what was talked about with the boys. Telling me that they don't remember anything about thier past with the Bio parents. So she said she needs to work with "Bob" for awhile to meet him , see what his attentions are and to let him know that the boys don't remember him at this point, that mom and dad are me and my husband to the boys. Then after a couple of visits with him, introduce them all together in her office.
This really scares me, the oldest has / had post dramatic stress, when all this stuff was going on before. He would act out every time he saw his Boi parents, for days. He would get upset, and hurt himself and others, even our pets. At school, he was really hard to handle, the teachers would call me to come get him, because he was so out of controll.He would scratch his face, bang his head, hit the teachers, turn desk over, and try to hide from everyone. At one point a sub-teacher, told him she was going to call his mom. He jumped up and started screaming witch one, and went "crazy" until they told him I was coming to get him.
I don't see how they have forgotten all this, I mean I can see that they might have hidden it back in thier mind. My fear is it all coming back out and what it will do to them now. Also, since the bio father is going to get visits, will the bio mom try now again too. She has tried about four times already, but now that the bio dad is getting them, will it be as easy for her now too?
I guess my biggest fear is the bio mom, she did most of the damage to the boys. The bio dad just didn't seem to care, he wasn't around alot, and when he was he really didn't spend time with them. He just wanted to let us know what all he had been up to and see his new car or what ever new things he got for his car.
Well any way we go back in two weeks to see the therapist again, and she will have met "Bob" by then. I will have more to share, and more to ask of you guys. Thank you all so much for your letters, it means so much to me.
JANUARY 21, 2007 UPDATE
The boys met their bio Dad yesterday, it wasn't that bad. Even after seeing "Bob" they didn't know him. It was more like a play date. He was already in the office, before we got there, the therapist let the boys know he was in there. She aasked if they were ok and if they wanted to go in. They just shrugged their sholder and said they yes. We went in, "Bob" looked at them and then me and was like wow, they had gotten so big. It was like he didn't even know them either. He looked so amazed how much they had grown since he last saw them. The thearpist asked the boys if they wanted to play a game, and they picked battleship. She asked if they would play with partners. both said yes. The youngest one picked me and the oldest one just sat there, so the thearpist said she could be his partner. After awhile of playing, "Bob" came down on the floor and started helping the oldest one. At one point he called the oldest one by name, and shocked him!!! He looked up at me and said "Mom ( pointing at Bob) hey, he knows my name.
Really nothing much happened, we played two different games then the therapist said time was up. We left, but "Bob" stayed to talk with her. All in all it was a pretty good day, the boys never got upset or anything. I'm hoping that they did forget all about the past, and can start over freash. I'm hoping that they won't get any kind of flash backs or memiories of all the stuff they went through.
The way it is going now, there will be some more visits with them all together with the therapist, then we will do some visits with out her. Then at some point the boys will start spending weekends with him and his new family. That part kinda scares me, the boys have been with us forever, and I think that "Bob" and his new family want the boys to live with them soon. They have been my family. I don't know what I'd do if they took us to court again and this time went for custody, it would kill me and my family to loose them. I won't let them go with out a fight, does that sound selfish? Am I being the mean one now? Any advice?
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L.C.
answers from
Sharon
on
Vicki,
This is such a tough thing for those kids to go through. There certainly is any easy answer. I work with boys who have been taken from their bio families. If you let them stay with their family, the kids are messed up because of it: if you take them out of the family, the kids have problems with that too (later in life if not right now), especially if they are kept from them. This isn't all kids of course, it really just depends on the personalities of the kids. Have you been involved with Children Youth Services or the Children's Aid Society? I don't know much about them, but I would think that they would have some resources and words of helpful advice -- they are child advocates. I hope everything works out for your family. I will pray for all of you. Keep them in therapy too so that they have an outlet.
L.
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L.O.
answers from
Reading
on
You need to stand your ground and if the Bio parents win visitation you need to get the court to order supervised visited only. That is what we did and the bio parents have not seen the kids in two years. We do occasionly recieve phone calls from the bio mother but the father has never seen them and the children are 3 & 4. Best of luck.
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T.Y.
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I can't really offer any great advice. I do know that if you keep their father out of their life they may resent you later in life. But I definitely understand where you are coming from. Can you give him supervised visits at first? Maybe this way you are protecting the kids from any harm and you can monitor what is being said. Has the father changed since the last time the kids saw him? I definitely wouldn't let him take them without supervision until they've had a few visits. This could be extremely scary for the kids. Make sure those kids know their address and your phone numbers. Maybe give them cell phones? Explain to them what to do if anything happens to make them feel more secure. Whatever you do, you can't change who their parents are, all you can do is try to protect the children. I hope it all turns out OK.
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J.F.
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Its amazing how selfish the parents are. But of courts will let them back becasue they are the bio parents. I would be furious at both of them. Good luck to you and the boys. I hope the parents get a brain and stop torutring the kids. I hoep the dad doesn't mess this up! The kids ahve enough problems. They should make the parents go thorugh counceling before they are allowed near the kids again.
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I.M.
answers from
Philadelphia
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that so sad i know what your going throw.if you beleave in god then pray he will show you the way.but i would get in touch with a lawer or some one in law let them know whats happen again .those boy are all mix up and its going to get worse.try like moveing starting over some wear new and get a better start for those boys. i would keep them in my prays and you and the rest of your family.
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L.W.
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considering their past i would suggest supervised visitation or none at all but the bio father does seem to have some sence he did bring them back to you so maybe he does just want to spend some time with them but still supervised visits until you feel safe for them to be alone with him
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A.D.
answers from
Washington DC
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Don't ya just love the court system!!! Screw the kids, let's worry about the loser parents. If he does get rights to see the boys I pray that is always VERY closely supervised. Don't the courts realize this is only going to mess up the kids all over again. And, God forbid, if he tries to skip town with the boys. If after a visit the boys don't want to see him, you and the courts cannot make them.
Good Luck to you and your family. I'm sure it is just as h*** o* your other kids dealing with this issue.
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C.J.
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Harrisburg
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First off I would like to say,"Thank you" for being there for those boys.You are truly an amazing woman to make them a part of you "o" so loving home.Eight kids.God love ya.My advice is to ask the boys if that is something they want.The court should take into account what the boys want.If they do not want to see there bio dad they shouldnt have to.They should make the choice.I do think they are old enough to understand if you and the therapist explain to them everything.Good Luck.
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K.S.
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Hire a lawyer. now. The bio-mom is a kidnapper and they are selfish, horrible people. He probably figured out a way he can use the kids to make money. These kids have been through enough and deserve consistency and stability. You are not being a mean person to decide that these parents have done enough damage, and I would say that it would be an awful thing to ask the children what they want. You would be doing nothing but making them feel guilty or frightened, and any desire to see this horrible man would be fueled by a fantasy that their father had changed. They need parents (that would be you and your husband) to take control.
Good luck.
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J.M.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
Hi V., I'm responding to your update about if the court takes the children away from you. I never had this issue personally but I was a social worker for years working with the Department of Children and Youth Services. Legally, his parental rights need to be terminated after 26 months. If they were doing their jobs, and if you had the boys for 26 months, his parental rights are terminated. If not, he needs to go through many hoops and hurdles to get those kids back. They would do many home evaluations and they would have the boys meet at his home (if the home is found to be adequate and can comfortably house all of them). He would need to prove financial ability and positive support systems and all this would have to be done before the 26 months are up (26 months from the date they gave you custody). If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. You love those boys and there is nothing selfish or bad about wishing they stay with you forever. You are a good mom to them. Good luck.
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L.M.
answers from
Harrisburg
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Hi V.,
I applaud you! Thank you for being there for those boys even though you don't share DNA. I am a former foster child and I must say, the state couldn't have paid my foster parents enough to make them as concerned as you are about these boys. I think if you really want to adopt them you should. I think there is something called "Child Abandonment." I think you need to prove when last contact was and parental rights can be terminated. Check into this with your lawyer. I don't know what your state says about adoption, or who handles it but in PA Child and Youth Services takes care of everything. I am thankful for being a ward of the court. The state of PA took care of me when my parents couldn't. Finally, keep up with the counseling, all the years of counseling I experienced still is not enough to erase the trauma I experienced as a child, but at least I can cope. Thanks again! L.
