(Aaaahhhhh) Silent Screem. Who Feels Under Appreciated?

I TOTALLY hear you!!!

I won't go into it, but lately I have been feeling the exact same. I was actually going to write something about it =)

Most men really just don't understand what moms do all day. I swear my husband thinks I get fanned all day while I lay on the couch and eat cake or something. He has no clue how hard it can be to clean a house repeatedly after kid(s), make an awesome dinner, do the dishes, do bath time, get them to sleep... it is exhausting, yet so under-appreciated.

One of these days, just leave the table and say the dishes need to be done, and that you are going to go shower and take a nap. =)

Hey, I've told you this before, but I'm in SLC and I wish we could hang out!! I feel like I could have written this post. I have a 5 yr old, a 2.5 yr old and am 36 weeks pregnant. My husband is AWESOME, but definitely clueless when it comes to stepping in to help. I truly think that most men just honestly don't get it. They don't see dishes in the sink. They don't see an unmade bed. They just aren't "wired" to pay attention to those details. So I have to be really specific...I even write honey-do lists on the white board for him. It's frustating, I'm not saying I like it!! I wish every day that he'd come home and think, "Oh, there's a stack of my clothes to hang up, I'll do that really quick." But it's probably just not going to happen, so I just keep trying my best to stay positive and focus on the good. He IS a good father and husband.

You need to go downstairs and tell him in no uncertain terms that you need help tonight -- even if he only does one thing. He can spare a few minutes. Men are thick as bricks. He doesn't see that you are overwhelmed. He doesn't hear the kids screaming. He doesn't get it.
Just get those kids into bed and take 15 minutes for yourself. I left my Mr. at home with the 2 kids and went away for the weekend. Then he understood...
You gotta do what you gotta do.
If you don't want to go camping in the snow, tell him. If he doesn't listen - tell him you aren't going. Then, when he wants you to pack the car, tell him you aren't going. I'd tell him if he wants to take the kids, then go ahead.
YMMV
LBC

First of all...I can just feel your exhaustion through my computer screen. Your kids are soooo young and close together and soooo needy..you are drained by the end of the day. You probably wake up exhausted and think how you are gonna make it through the day on your limited energy reserves.

If in your shoes I would probably tell my hubby that it is either dishes or put kids to bed...pick one. I would try encourage him to take bedtime because he hasn't seen the kids all day (and dish duty would give me some "quiet time") And...I would not agree to a camping trip in snowy weather with such little ones...it would turn into more work for me. If my husband said he couldn't help with kids or dinner dishes because it would keep us from going camping then I would probably say "Ok sweetie..that is the risk I am willing to take because I really need your help right now."

You need to let your husband know that you expect him to be more available when he is home. He can carve out 30 minutes to help while kids are awake and continue studying when they sleep or he can wake up an extra 30 minutes in the morning. YOU NEED HIS HELP!!!

As for the dinner scenario...I once read that a mom had all her kids and hubby tell her "thank you for the delicious dinner" after each meal. Sure...it is not very heartfelt but hey...at least you hear the words and it drives a point home. I jokingly started that with my kids and it has stuck. You have to initiate it in a lighthearted way. It really is kinda funny! And then they do say it very enthusiastically when they really enjoy the dinner.

I too have felt the same as you at times...you are not alone! I know I felt it alot when my kids were really little and sooooo needy. I also didn't take time out for myself back then. Now I make sure I get some quiet time each day, outings monthly with girlfriends and dates with my husband. I exercise each day, eat healthy and try to get plenty of sleep...those are so helpful for mood stabilizing. I also allowed myself to let certain things go undone around the house and be content with it...sometimes we pile so much on our plates at the expense of our sanity.

Your husband is a very busy man with alot of responsibilies on his shoulders. Be understanding but also talk to him openly about your needs and what YOU have planned out to take care of some of those needs. I let my husband know ahead of time that I would like to go out with a couple girlfriends and ask him which nights would be best for planning such an outing. As a side note though..my hubby is very accomodating in that department and really encourages me to get out and go have some time alone with friends or exploring a hobby.

Something else that I did when kids were young and money was tight was exchange babysitting so I could get a break a week. Find a friend that your kids get along with and swap babysittng for a couple hours at a time. I used that time to go grocery shopping...a dr. appointment or just to sit at home alone in peace and quiet or take a nap.

When he asks you if you like your life...do you tell him the truth?? You are not complaining when you tell him you need more help. You like being home full time but that does not mean doing everything on your own...especially doing everything even when he is home.

Take a deep breath and know that there are many,many moms that feel the same as you. And..I will tell you that life DOES get easier when they get a little older.

Best of wishes to you!

I have found that when my husband is too busy to help me and/or give me a break I just have to give myself the break. If money is tight I serve a few cheep meals to my family, take the money I saved and pay a babysitter. I might go to a park or a coffee shop and read a book, magazine or write in my journal, or I might just go window shopping at the mall. I understand completely what you are going through. My husband started his own company three years ago when we had just one child and now we have two (a 4 yr old and a very needy 2 yr old). He has been very busy and very stressed, and at times not available to help me, so I help myself. If I didn't help myself I would go crazy!

You are not alone!

I know how you feel. I think everyone feels that way at one time or another. Just breathe in and out and realize that things will get better. Your husband will finish school, which will hopefully free him up to spend more time with the family; although even though he's in school, he needs to be involved with his family, too. I think men need to be reminded that they need to spend some time EVERY DAY with their families. Even if they've had a hard day at work, they need to plan some time to relax and unwind WITH their family, not hidden away by themselves. I don't know how to make them do it, but maybe if you explain it to him then he'll try harder.

Write a letter. Just find some time (maybe during naptime?) and just pour your heart out onto paper. Don't worry about actually giving it to him at this point, just write down everything you are thinking, feeling, and would like to say to him. After a day or two, reread it, rewrite it if necessary, and give it to him. Sometimes when we talk to our significant others, it is hard for them to process what we are saying (are they really listening?) and sometimes they will get defensive and not really respond to what we are saying. But when we write it down, it gives them a chance to read the words on paper and reread them again if necessary, and hopefully will help them realize what we are really feeling and trying to say.

Also, are there any Mommy and toddler groups in your area? It would help you a lot to get out of the house once in a while to connect with other moms so you don't feel so isolated all the time. I think that's the main problem when we are SAHMs to very young kids (especially when there are two close in age like yours are); we are always isolated at home. But it might help if you can connect with other moms like you.

The only other thing I can think of to tell you is to hang in there; it gets much better once the kids get older. They are challenging as toddlers, especially when you have two so close in age. My kids are two years apart, and believe me I know exactly how you feel. They are now 8 and 6 and I am still grateful that they are now at the point where they can actually entertain themselves--without constant supervision! Woo-hoo! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck with everything and remember that in addition to taking care of everyone else, you need to take care of yourself, too! :-)

I understand that feeling, as I'm sure all moms do at some time or another. Sometimes I want to scream, cry, get drunk, run away, or all 4. It can be very lonely. Just something I've learned from making the same mistake: don't do "special" on a weekday. It's just doomed to fail---husband is tired and busy and doesn't think to appreciate it, you've busted your butt to get it done, feel unappreciated, and have no help b/c it's a weekday and he's got school and work, etc. Keep weekdays super simple (my husband had to flat tell me not to do a dinner that takes more than 45 minutes from start to finish, ever, on a weekday, and since taking his suggestion to heart, I DO have better evenings). On weekdays, I plan things according to my weekly schedule, and cook 3 out of 5 nights and the other 2 nights are either leftover nights or something I prepared over the weekend for that weeknight. Lunch is either dinner leftovers or sandwiches and fruit (or something simple like that---nothing that takes more than 10 minutes from start to finish). On weekends, my husband is home and can actually engage again, so while he's playing with the boys I cook nicer, more involved meals, dress better, have more fun, try to reconnect. I like to play in the kitchen when noone's underfoot, so it's a fun relaxing time and I love to serve a new or special meal and my husband is more relaxed and can oooh and ahhh over it as he should. :P Keep the hectic days as simple as you possibly can. Have fun this weekend, even in the cold. But do try to understand that he's stressed out and has a lot on his mind too if he's responsible for the household income and going to school too. There's a lot of b.s. outside the home too, and I think we moms sometimes forget that. Try not to nag. I'm impressed he ate dinner at the table since so many men don't if they have an excuse to hide away and do their work or school work. Men seem to get that tunnel vision. What I'd talk to him about over the weekend is how you really want to feel more connected, and set up a date night once/twice a month with no children, and also have a set hour where the school and work go away and you guys take a shower together, rub each other's feet and talk about something else, etc, etc. That way you get your time together, which is really what you both need. But be strong and know that there will be lonely and frustrating times, but with some work those can pass and be fewer than the good times. Sorry that you feel bad tonight. I was so there a few weeks ago! It happens.......yay for mamapedia so you can vent.

I hear you sweety and i really really hope you get a break. Men don't realize how repetetive our lives are as a SAHM. We never leave our job. Its there 24/7. When my ex didn't spend time with me and had other things he "had" to do. I got very lonely and depresses.
You really have to tell him. Plan a day all to yourself. Call a girlfriend to have lunch just so you can vent. Otherwise it will all blow up and be really awful. I used to get the you know how many people would love to do what you do? Uhg. I love it, but i need a break too. I don't know why men dont understand.

Your DH needs to STEP AND BE A DAD!! If he wants to really "help out" with this "great" camping trip let him take the kids! I guarantee he will see where you are coming from after the trip!!

Everyone needs a break!! I also have two kids the same ages as yours!! I go crazy by DH's days off! Luckily he takes over on his days off! I left him alone with the kids for ONE day and he was like WOW they are WORK!! ONE DAY!! He now happily gives me a break!

He took the older one camping and I took the LO with me (we tried for her to camp with us and it was awful!! So I just stayed at home with her and he stayed out with ODD). IT WAS AMAZING!! I got a break every day for her nap and she sleeps all night while the other doesn't so it was a great vaca for both of us!! ODD had a blast with Dad and he had a blast with her! It was a WIN WIN! Maybe try this with your DH. I wish you luck!

If not get a sitter and go and get your hair done and just hang out! Window shop if you have to but go out by yourself or a friend!!!

my husband works all day, gets home and spends the rest of the time in his "man cave", comes in for 30min before my son's bedtime. Watches me get him into bed, and then most nights goes back out til after I go to bed. I save him a plate for dinner that he eats sometime after I'm sleeping.

On the weekends he's a little better. He works Sats, but Sundays he spend a couple of hours with us and this is supposed to be enough for the rest of the week.

I get it...I REALLY do understand. There's a lot on his plate, and this is his way of "winding" down...but..where's my slow time? nap time? after bed time? We probably both work equally hard, and both feel underappreciated. I'd just love it if we could switch places for a day so we could better appreciate the sacrifices the other makes!!

I LOVE him, would NEVER replace him...but a good bop on the head seems like it would feel good.

I hear you...you're NOT alone!!

Oh trust me, I feel the same some days and I hardly ever get a break! I love my kid and life but we all need a break! I read when my daughter goes to bed and sometimes in a warm tub that's what I find helps me relax/unwind after a exhausting or terrible day. Is there anyone who can take the kids off your hands while you have some time to yourself, even if it's a hour? I recommend that. It makes a world of difference, trust me. Try not to feel guilty about it either. You NEED it. I know it's easier said then done! :) If you need to vent, you can always private message me.

I remember...I just gave up with the nice meal thing. "simple" became my mantra for several years, at least until the mealtimes calmed down. Simple, corn, peas, bread, chicken breast cut up. They were happy and it was all so easy. Can't help you on the camping thing but you have lots of supporters out here! We feel your pain! :)

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Men, even the good ones, can be such dummies some times. Sounds like both you AND your hubby are feeling overwhelmed & need a break! If at all possible, see if someone can take your little ones for an evening or even a weekend afternoon. Get some time together with you man. And, if you manage to get a sitter and he says he's too busy or just doesn't get it, leave him behind and get out yourself. You so totally deserve a break today!

Hug to you...

Ever notice how the more you "plan", the worse it turns out? LOL I'm all about spur of the moment these days....hang in there. As my mom would say "Mama said there'd be days like this!"

First off: everyone feels that way on some level. Everyone. You're NOT alone.
Second: find a friend or two that you can get together with for mommy play dates. Like go to the mall playgrounds with some friends and their kids so you can talk while the kids play. It really really helps to have adults to talk to, and playgrounds like that (or in the park) are free. Big bonus.
Third: Every husband deals with stress differently. Try to be understanding of his particular outlets. Talk to him honestly about his needs, and if he doesn't care how fancy dinner is, maybe what would help him most is going camping. Or maybe it's sex. This is a really tough time for your whole family and communication is key. Tell him that you want to be there for him and that you understand he's under a lot of stress. And tell him that you need a break occasionally. Everyone does.

Sounds to me like the camping thing is what he needs right now so try to plan and help so that he can enjoy it. But don't keep silent about your own needs. If there's no money for an occasional babysitter (sounds to me like your husband really is too busy/stressed to take over so you can get out) then I would suggest a babysitting exchange with someone else in your position. There are lots of moms out there who need a break, so finding someone willing should be relatively easy. It can be during the day (hallelujah on errands without whiny kids!) or in the early evening (ditto on making dinner and cleaning up) or at night.

Most important is to talk to your husband. Make sure to tell him that you understand and that you really do want to make sure he's supported in his efforts but that you still need occasional breaks too. Being open is the only thing that will save your sanity - it sure has saved mine!

I would rather do it myself than ask for help, cause that has to be followed up with LAVISH PRAISE for ALL he has done. Then he is on strike for 2 weeks cuz he did a little work one day! LOL
My next life I want to come back as my husband so I can rest!

"Do you like your life?" What was his tone? I'm assuming it was a challenge, not a question of concern. Is he suggesting you are ingrateful??? Urgh, that bugs me. Your life may be good, but your day may have totally sucked! He's missing the point. The bottom line is that being a mother is a job with an extremely long payoff -- it's much harder to see the rewards on the day to day (but easier when you think back over the months, and years). Next time he asks this tell him that you work HARD all day, and HE is the only one who is going to thank you. No one is going to give you a check for showing up, no one but him is going to know or acknowledge if you do your best or simply do your bare minimum. He needs to know this, and ACT on this.

Please find a friend who can do a babysitting swap with you. It can be a huge help. Also, not sure where you are camping, but we were in Wind Rivers, WY, last weekend at 8,000 feet and there was no snow. Great camping conditions, except for the mosquitos, cold nights, and no dumpster within 40 miles. It's true that it won't be a 'vacation' for you (I've almost determined that I will vacation WITHOUT my kids OR husband if I truly want a vacation, but that's another matter), but it could be very relaxing family time together. I like driving together, cooking, sitting around a fire, etc., and hopefully that will be rejuvenating for both of you.

It is hard, I have a 4 and a half and 2 and a half year old right now( So I have been in your shoes), and my Dh is a full time worker, and is currently spending 3 nights a week at him mom's house, helping with his adopted special needs niece and nephew, as my FIL has cancer. I understand, like you, that what he is doing is right and important, but, yes, it sucks to feel like me and the kids are moved to the back burner.

I am reading a book right now, that I got from the library, by Dr. Kevin Leman, called "7 things he will never tell you , but you need to know" all about how men think SO differently than women, and why we definitely don't "get it" about each other, lots of times. If you get it and read it it will help you understand where he is coming form , onte man side of thing s- everything to themis a competition/conquest.....sound slike he has already "conquered" getting married, so now he is on to conquering school and career. Guys don't really understand the ongoing maintenance part of things...or them emotional relationship we have to our kids - that if he physically cared for them more, gave us more of a break, that to us is like foreplay, LOL.

Good luck, it is an on going battle trying to communicate to them so it is recieved correctly, and trying to keep our own sanity.

Maybe you need to get a baby sitter one night a week EVERY week, and then alternating weeks, - you go out by yourself or with a girlfriend and then the opposite week, have a real date with your husband. I am great one to talk, we don't do that, though I know we need to. I do have my own hobbies, and I do make time to do them - I crochet and I create things from Polymer clay. I just spent a couple hours last night cleaning up my craft room, so i can start in with full tilt production a few nights a week, and I am going to start an Etsy shop with my creations.

Do tell him you'd love to go camping when it is warmer and more pleasant for you and the kids, but timing is going to be bad with the weather reports. Explain all that will go into it with the kids, and they they will probably be fussy or whiney all the time, so he will understand that it would probably be better to do this when weather is better, with them still so little. Suggest some other activities for next week that will be warmer/easier/more pleasant - including a baby sitter and adate time for the 2 of you.

Yes, it is so easy to lose ourselves in "mom" mode and get so frustrated. We have to work our way back and we have ot make our marriage a priority, even in thes rough baby years, because some day those kids will be gone, and if we don't stay connected to our spouse, we won't even know them any more, and things will fall apart when the kids ( the focus of our relationships) go away.

Keep working on it - I am and it is a work in progress!

Jessie