5 Yr Old and Frienship Problems

My daughter is almost 5, and she is one of those kids who will say that she doesn't want to sit near someone. The thing is, she isn't doing it to be mean (at this age, they have very little concept of how they are going to be perceived by others). She does it because she is easily overwhelmed and tends to need quite a bit of personal space in order to feel comfortable. There are some kids who get really huggy with her or are loud and she just can't handle that. She used to shove kids away from her, and we have encouraged her to use words to solve problems. She's doing that, but then other kids get their feelings hurt because she says she doesn't want to play with them or whatever.

If you'll notice, his little friend seems to have this issue at times when she might be having a hard time dealing - when she's hungry (before she eats lunch), when she may be feeling overwhelmed (on the bus, or at the end of a play date).

I would just let your son know that his friend is trying to use her words to express what she needs from him, and he needs to listen, and give her some space when she needs it. Maybe schedule your play dates to be shorter so they can be more successful, and maybe have them right after the kids have eaten so they both have a good level of blood sugar going. In other words, set them up for success!

No matter what advice any of the moms here give you, this is one where you have to dig deep within yourself and decide what kind of parent you are. Not that any way is better than another-- there are many different ways of parenting. Personally, I am sort of a "helicopter" parent-- the kind that hovers and always gets involved with my kids, sometimes maybe too much. If it were me, I might have stopped having play dates because why keep putting my child in a situtaion where I KNOW he will be getting his feelings hurt? This isn't necessarily the BEST thing to do, but it's what I probably would have done because that's the kind of parent I am. I am very overprotective of my kids. HOWEVER, a good friend of mine is a very loving but "hands off" kind of parent. She sits back and lets things happen and guides her kids along the way, mostly only when they come to her--otherwise she is big on letting kids work things out for themselves. I don't disagree with how she does things-- it's just a completely different type of parenting than what I do. You have to do whatever makes you most comfortable, and whatever you think is in your child's best interest overall.

Wow, Catherine C. gave an interesting perspective that I hadn't thought of! It sounds like you need to assess the situation: is your son's friend getting overwhelmed or is she doing a power play and being mean? If it's just that she's getting overwhelmed, you need to discuss that this happens with you son and help him come up with coping strategies. If she's doing this to be mean, but your son still wants to play with her, then again, you have to come up with coping strategies. If it's the second case, then the little girl might be enjoying making your son cry. If he finds other ways to deal with her when she's being mean (e.g. saying, great! I'll find someone else to sit with and happily sits by someone else), she'll probably stop being mean because she's not getting the results that she wants. If it's the first case, then you're teaching you son to be empathetic and learn not to take things personally,

Good luck!
C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

My son is also very sensitive and tends to take things personally. I am a hands off person, though I do hover when needed. Kids do need to handle things themselves but I step in when I think things are getting out of control. If they play well together, let them continue. However, if she is purposely being mean to him most of the time, I think it is time to either limit the visits or cut them out all together. He will eventually learn to adjust to different levels of play and the way people interact but completely shielding him won't really teach him how to deal with it. If it is at all possible, get him involved in other play groups so he is not only playing with the girl.

Have you asked him whether he actually wants the play dates? Have you left space for him to come up with his own solutions? This is a great opportunity for him to consider whether he wants to find new solutions to this friendship dilemma, new ways to respond to the little girl's bossy tendencies.

I hope you'll read a terrific book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) They can show you how to help your son communicate his emotional quandary and participate in finding his own solutions. I use this approach with my grandson, and am often surprised and delighted with how brilliant and original kids can be.

Good suggestions here and points to ponder.

Some kids, are just more bossy than others.
Some kids, boys or girls, are more "alpha" types... meaning they are more over-bearing and bossy... liking to be the one telling the other what to do.
Not all kids have pleasant social ability or personalities.

Sure, talk to your son about how there are all kinds of people/kids. But he should not take it personally. But for a little kid's feelings... they are sensitive.

Also though,you don't have to have play dates with her.
But he seems to like her... and considers her his friend.
And whether or not you have play-dates for them.... he WILL still probably hang-out with her and want to be by her, at school. Which you CANNOT control. So either way, he will still get his feelings hurt.

Have you talked to the Teacher? Maybe this girl is just a bossy/mean girl... and not only with your son.

Or if he has other friends... encourage him to branch out. He is 5... and gradually he may do so. And sure teach him how to handle social/friendship problems.... but if HE is always the one that is getting the raw end of the deal.... then he should also be taught that he can CHOOSE other friends and not have to take it when others treat you meanly. THAT is key as well.

Next, even if you teach HIM how to act and deal with her... SHE will still be that way... unless her Mom is trying to correct her. If not, the girl will still be that way. Icky and not nice.
Have you talked to the girl's Mom?????

The thing is: any child or person... gradually learns that they either can/will put up with something, or not. Or that they can/will "choose" other friends that are more caring and respectful.

And, maybe he will find other friends. Maybe nurture that. Because this girl does not treat him well.
If that were my daughter or son... I would simply tell them that the person is not nice to you. And it is not nice. We can't keep making excuses for THAT person... but we can choose to make other choices and not have to put up with it... especially if it makes us continually hurt.

Not all kids are this way, like that girl. I would tell my kids that too.

Or, does he have a "crush" on her? Even preschool and Kinder kids go through this. Even at this age. Maybe he just feels rejected. Either way.

You can teach him to handle different situations/social situations... but that does not mean the child will actually be able to do it. But of course, that is stuff we try to teach and instill in our kids, regardless. Because like a rock collecting moss... one day it WILL make sense to them.

all the best,
Susan

My own daughter was and still is one of those bossy girls. In fact she is down right ugly sometimes. In kindergarten a little boy kissed her and she said very loudly GET AWAY!!
She is now 14 and needs a lot of personal space. She is not a huggy kissy girl, and she does not like anyone within arms length of her. Mine has even taken those silly personality tests and every one of them says Needs space, Does not work well in large groups, introverted, highly intellectual, Has no interest in high fashion, etc.
When another child starts paying her too much attention she goes all out to avoid contact, still.
Have other children come for playdates. Children who can play without giving him heartaches all the time. Of course continue having her over but less frequently.
She will learn to read soon enough and then no one will see her for hours as she finishes off Harry Potter books in a day.

Is she arbitrarily being mean ("I don't want to sit by you" even though no other friends are around) or is she just trying to find a way to spend time with other friends too? If he always wants to be with her because she is his favorite friend but she has lots of other friends that she wants to be with too that would be different than if she is mean to him on playdates where it is only the two of them. She may be having trouble trying to balance her desire to be with other friends and not with him all the time.

Best wishes - our children's friendships can be challenging!

Poor little guy! I think he needs to branch out and have some other friends that aren't so bossy and controlling. Adults would speak up to this "friend". Certainly we like to teach our children how to handle unhappy situations. I would ask him why he wants to be with someone who makes him cry. I think it's OK to say to him that some people are not as thoughtful as they should be and she is NOT being a very good friend. He needs to know how a good friend treats his/her friends. I know it's hard for little ones who would never think of acting that way themselves to understand why someone else would treat them badly. (I wonder that myself sometimes) I would arrange some playdates with some other friends so he can see that not everyone behaves that way.

Sounds like he needs to have playdates with some other kids. Girls can be very bossy and mean sometimes and he's too dependent on this one friendship right now. I'd enlarge the circle and perhaps invite another boy over for a change or do something with a boy and his mom - the 4 of you - if he's reluctant to do it. Water down the influence this girl has on him but don't exclude her from his life. At the same time, be sure he has plenty of close time with the caring adults in his life.