4 1/2 Year Old Is a WHINER!!!

You might try simply telling him in a very calm soft voice that you can't hear him or understand him when he talks that way. Then ask him to take a deep breath and try to tell you in his big boy voice what is it he wants. That't the only thing I can think of. Good luck.

I know what you mean. When my child cries or whines I usally try to get his attention on some thing else. I usally reward him when he uses his words.

Okay I didn't read all the responses but.. in addition to the others....
one IMPORTANT factor is as you said... you are having a 3rd baby in January! That is right around the corner, his Mommy is pregnant and probably busy with other things... can you imagine being your son, and having to deal with all of this?

NO wonder he is whiny! It is that age also...but my gosh, you really ought to PREP him fully for the new baby being in his life... for a child, this throws them for a loop. And be prepared that he may get even MORE unhappy and whiny and unable to COPE with the changes in his life.

PLEASE keep in mind, that his behavior does not warrant a "bad boy" punishment. Right now, to me, he needs TOTAL understanding... he is going to be an "Eldest" child... and by default, adults always usually expect "eldest" children to be "perfect", more mature, more obedient, more 'smart', to be the 'example' for ALL the other siblings, to be EVERYTHING to everyone, to be SO MANY THINGS THAT IT CAN STRESS THEM OUT and cause emotional hardship on them, when they are simply not "ready" or old enough to handle it all by themselves. Poor thing. This is so much to expect from such a young child.

Keep in mind his age... this is a lot for a 4.5 year old to be expected to handle. And like anything else... a child this young needs to "transition" to things... some children take a LONG time to even adjust to having a new sibling AND THE CHANGES THEIR MOMMY will have in relation to them.

Keep in mind, that the main "symptom" for a child who is experiencing "STRESS" is: BEHAVIOR REGRESSION. THIS is what your son is having. Spot on.
So, the solution is not to make it worse for him... he needs hope, he needs coping skills, he needs understanding, he needs a soft place to fall, he is probably feeling insecure too, he needs LOTS of attention and comforting, he needs to know he can TRUST the situation, he needs to know he can RELY on his parents, he needs to know that he is LOVED no matter what, he needs to know that his "place" in the family will not get affected when the baby comes and even AFTER... he needs a lot right now.

He is the "eldest" and by default... the eldest child ALWAYS bears the brunt of having to "shoulder" the world on their shoulders... this is too big of an expectation for a child, and too big of a burden to carry for any child.

No, I would NOT ignore him.... not at all.
There is a difference between "defiance" and a child needing what they are lacking.
My daughter, she is 6 years old....she "whines" too...but it is always when she needs "me" more... and she will even say it and call me on it. Point blank. I never scold her for it, but I ALWAYS encourage her to speak out and TELL me whatever she is feeling... I rather have a child that can express herself, than one that is always "pent up" and frustrated. That is worse.

ANY child, and ESPECIALLY boys, NEED to be "taught" that they can express their feelings, and to feel 'safe' doing so. ALL kids "whine" no matter what age, even teenagers whine. So it will not "end" with finality. But simply teach the child "how" to express themselves more effectively. For me, I'd much rather have a child that expresses their feelings... than one that is taught they can't or that it just falls on deaf ears. A child who is taught their feelings and words don't "count" will have less morale....and it kills their spirit and joy. Also if your son whines when he doesn't get "his way" then he needs to be taught about cause and effect.

I recommend the book "Your 4 Year Old" or "Your Five Year Old"... you can find it on www.amazon.com It really explains the behavior of each age "phase." It's a fast easy read.

Be thankful he is a good student and "behaves" in school. That is great. But at home, yes, most kids are just at their wits ends too. And they let it all hang out.

All the best,
Susan

Hi M.,

It sounds like you have a handle on what might be wrong here, and it sounds like you and your husband are making real progress in improving your relationship and thus your family--so good for you!! :-)

I would keep being consistent about telling your son to use his words instead of whining. Our 4 1/2 year-old boy does this on occasion too (not at school, like your boy) with us, and yes, it's very annoying. We just try really, really hard not to respond to it--instead responding positively when he asks for something or expresses something nicely. Some days are better than others. We try to be patient--which I think is the key to good parenting.

The one thing I would change if I were you is that I'd stop telling your son he sounds like a "baby." Personally, I think that's very demeaning--and who likes to be demeaned?? I don't think feeling bad about yourself ever stops negative behavior. Your son is four, after all! Kids are supposed to cry and whine on occasion--that's why they're kids! I know I cry and whine sometimes, and I'm 35. Eek!

(Sometimes society expects boys to "man up" way before they're ready to do so--if we don't allow our boys to express their feelings, that's how we wind up with men who can only express their feelings through violent means! I'm a big believer that as mothers of sons, it's our job to raise healthy, responsible, emotionally-balanced young men. I want to be proud of my son when he is a husband and a father--I want him to be loved and loving. I want him to be a great boyfriend, a terrific best friend, an excellent colleague, a decent citizen... Even soldiers cry--they just learn that there's a time and a place for it--and isn't that true of us all?).

It sounds like you are on the right track, so keep up the good work.

:-) D.

The first thing that comes to my mind is: Do you eventually give in to him? If so, then he has your number. Stick to your guns and do not react to his whining. It sounds like bad attention is better than no attention. As a reward for going a week without whining, maybe a special outing with just Mom and or Dad (or both).

Good luck.

Repsond calmly, but firmly. Explain that you can't help him unless he speaks to you in a big boy voice. Ask him if he is tired and needs a nap. Do whatever you can to "not react" to the behavior, if you get my drift. This is annoying and can really get under your skin. If he sees he can not get your attention this way he should stop. You could also ask him why he is doing this. Get down on his eye level and get him to explain why he feels the need to whine at home. Good luck. Consistency and patience will win the day.

He whines because he thinks if he makes you sad you'll give in. Not because he is tramatized for yelling.

But don't give in, it is a simple stage. He is just testing you, this happens in diffrent ways as they grow up. Every couple years they try to see what they are old enough to get away with.

Don't give in. Make it worse. Since you are acting like a baby I guess you are to little to go to your friends house and play. Or I guess you can't help me make cookies, or whatever you can think up. (computer games, tv, movies, ect.) When you learn to act like a big boy then you can do big boy things.

Sometimes acting like he does when he asks you for something helps open their eyes. When he want's you to drop what you are doing and help him or get something for him, break down and cry and whine and through a tantrum. Then when he has heard enough of your tantrum say: did that make you want to help me ? Because when you do that to me I don't even want to be by you, and that really hurts my feelings because I love being with you. Good luck, just don't ever give in, learn to egnore it, he will soon realize that it's not worth the trouble.
J.

My suggestion is tell him once sternly no whining and that his behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it, then YOU HAVE TO IGNORE IT. It will take awhile, but once he sees he's not going to get attention for it he will stop. It sounds like you might be doing too much correcting right now. Try to keep it short and sweet, and stick with it. You should also make sure to praise him, generously, for good behavior. This works with my 3 year old, and I'm starting to have to do it with my 15 month old. Best of luck to you both.

Sounds like a way of getting attention. I tell my kids that I don't speak 'whine ese' and ignore. He's aware of the change with your pregnancy. If possible, try to have one on one time with just him and you and see if that helps. Good luck!

This is learned behavior. It must work for him to whine and fuss. If he got nothing out of it, he wouldn't do it. He doesn't do it at school because it doesn't work there. You probably felt guilty for fighting in front of him so much during his early years, and you gave in to him easily. Now is the time to stop. The problem is not with him, it is with his parents. Change your behavior - change the way you react to him - and he will change. I'm very glad to hear that you no longer fight in front of the kids. Nothing damages kids more, and that damage has been done to your son. His foundation has been built on shaky ground. It is your job to repair not only your marriage, but yon our son's foundation. Calling him a baby will not do that. He needs to feel safe and secure, and he needs to have boundaries that are solid as a rock. No waffling on your part. Be consistent, calm and stick to your guns. Tell him he needs to use his bog boy voice if he wishes to talk with you. No need to get irritated... simply do not respond to the whining. You fixed your marriage! You can fix this, too. Congratulations on the new baby!

Kids do this when they think it's the quickest, or most sucessful, way of grabbing everyone's attention and/or getting their way. Every time he does it, either tell him, "I can't understand you unless you speak politely," or send him to his room until he can calm down and speak politely to you. Do it EVERY time, even when it's most inconvenient or frustrating! Listening to him while he's having a fit, even once, will make it much, MUCH worse.

Don't worry too much about what may have caused the behavior. The past is out of your control. Concentrate on what will fix it.

I think its a 4 1/2 year old thing! My boy does the same thing, great at school and whinning at home. I am hoping it is just another thing that will pass!!!!!!

Hi M.,
I don't know if this will help but here goes....
He may have developed some insecurities and patterns of getting mommy and daddy's attention during those rough years but all is not lost. If you want the whining and crying to stop then behavior modification techniques could be used: reward use of words or other coping mechanism and consequence for not doing so. I would specifically target the whining as targeting crying can send him the message that it's not ok to cry. Okay examples: When he's upset because he didn't get something he wanted then first teach him "oh well"-"it's feels bad when I don't get what I want but I can't do anything so "oh well" I guess I'll do something else." I'm not sure what your child will understand but you get the idea. Teach other ways of handling the situation and reinforce those. Chances are the whining has worked for him. Also, it may be that it's part of his personality to some degree but certainly you can tame it. Hope it helps.

I believe that 4 and 5 year olds are the masters of whining! What worked (most of the time) for us was to just, "I'm sorry but whining hurts my ears and I simply cannot understand you when you talk that way." And then nothing else. If they really have something to say, they will catch on pretty quickly that they need to speak plainly. You just have to make sure you are totally consistent and really do ignore the whining.

my 3 YO often whines and I remind her she is whining and she switches to her other voice (sick!). She knows once I ask her to stop and she is asking for something in that tone, I will not give it to her until she changes her tone. So, she just switches over.

Congratulations on your upcoming birth :)

We had great success with Dr. Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" techniques. If you don't have time to read the book, the DVD is easy to watch and learn from :)

I know it is a struggle! I have a 9 year old who use to think it was cute to whine (when his older brother was picking on him or teasing him.) I got to the point where I would just send him to his room, I couldn't stand listening to it. But first I would tell him. . ."I can't hear you when you whine like that, it hurts my ears". . .he'd usually stop and tell me what was going on in a normal tone, but if not, id tell him. .. "okay, you need to go to your room and figure out what you want to tell me, then you can come back.

Hi M.,

Congratulations on fixing your marriage. That's tough work and a huge accomplishment. But, no, it's not why you're son is a whiner. He whines because it's worked in the past in getting him what he wants.

My youngest was a whiner, too. He was the baby and we let him get away with more stuff for whatever reason made sense at the moment. We cured this by consistently not "hearing" him when he'd whine. "Chris, I can't hear you when you whine. Please use your big boy voice." If that didn't work, "I'm sorry, Chris. I don't hear whiners. Why don't you do something else until you can speak in your big boy voice." Sometimes we had to resort to, "Chris, are you speaking to me? I just can't hear whining. I think I've mentioned this? Why don't you go in your room, take a nap, chill out, whatever, until you can speak properly."

Usually by this time, my pistol-tempered youngester would be angry and wind up in his room anyway. But, it worked. You could see him stand in front of us, take a deep breath and try to use his big boy voice. We'd praise him soundly, and if his request was reasonable, say yes.

It takes a long time and is a process. Do not give in to guilt over the rocky patch in your marriage. It's far more beneficial to see parents spar and work things out than to deal with seething, angry parents. Just remember to fight fair, if you do fight. Your kids learn from your fighting, too. As the daughter of parents who are on their 3rd and 4th marriages (I've been married for 18 years), I say that from experience. But that's another email.

So, good luck! With consistency and hard work, this too shall pass.