20-Month Old Pushing Other Kids Down

I know it's embarrassing but it's perfectly normal and a lot of moms have been through it. My daughter went through a biting phase, which is another common one. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You'll probably just have to keep doing what you're doing until he outgrows it - and he will outgrow it. The only suggestion I would make is instead of going home from a group activity, make him sit in his car seat in the car and don't talk to him. Then he'll be getting punished without getting attention. Maybe he'll like that less.

As a mom and a former daycare teacher, I would like to offer a modeling behavior. I was taught a way to help children learn sympathy and empathay from adults without forcing the child to do so.
In a senario where your child pushes another child, quickly intervine, but do not say anything to your son. Move past him to help the other child up. Say "I'm so sorry that "Billy" pushed you. That was not a nice thing to do." Next turn to your son, direct him to a different area and explain to him that you are sorry that he pushed the child down. He hurt the child, etc. Tell him how it makes you feel when he pushes another child. From there, redirect him to another area of children/toys/etc.
In this type of modeling, we (as the teachers) were not able to make the child say "I'm sorry" to another child. Saying sorry is a learned behavior, but is usually forced. When you take the part of saying sorry you are showing your son, without forcing him, how to care for others in a way that he would care for himself.
But when you do not saying anything to him first, you are showing him that you feel what he did was wrong. It was not fun, or funny. It was hurtful to another child.

I saw this work in the classroom from the toddler room to the After-school room. I have used it in other centers and while I nannied as well. I hope it can help.

Hi L., This behavior at 20 months is so common. Apparently it is because they do not have the words to describe what it is they need and go to primal resources. I would take your child at eye level and remind him to use his words. You may want to role model what words to use. The grin means nothing at this point except that he may love to see the cause and effect and that he has some power. So also in that case, remind him of good behavior. We do not push friends. We hug or smile at friends.
When I give a time out, I call it a thinking chair and give my son time to think. Before he comes out we talk about what happened and what needs to change before he reengages into the activity again. E. z

It is totally developemental. My 2 year old is going through this phase now. ALL the toddler boys I know have gone through this. It is a pushing and hitting phase and it sucks. It will go away but the duration differs for each child. What I currently do is a lot of preparation when we go places. I tell my son that we need to be nice and that there is no hitting or pushing. I tell him we can say hi and give high fives. If he pushes I redirect him to say hi or give a high five to the child. If he hits he gets a 1 1/2 minute time out. I try to be consistent. It seems that the more kids around and the more stimulated he is the more he does it. I also don't react too crazy because I don't want him to get a rise out of it. During this phase you have to stay on top of your toddler and do a lot of talking about behavior, redirecting, and give replacement behaviors. It is hard but it will end. I think we have been going through this for about 1 and 1/2 months!!!

My son started being aggressive the day my second son was born (mostly out of jealousy and also to get attention I imagine). One thing I have read in may books and found helpful is that the BEST way to encourange bad behavior is to get all emotional about it and spend a lot of time talking about it with the child. Whatever punishment or reaction you decide to use with your son you should do it with as little emotion (e.g., anger, sadnress) as possible. Little kids do get a rise out of making adults emotional, it makes them feel powerful and is very memorable to them. This is VERY hard to do when your child is hurting someone else but if you can rehearse your calm reaction in your head often, it may help. I'm not saying you should stay calm and ignore the behavior necessarily, just that you should calmly remove the child from the situation, or put him in a time out calmly, etc. Additionally, I've read (and noticed) that a consistent reaction is also important. So for example, every time he pushes, you should calmly take him to a corner for time out (or whatever you decide is th punishment). Finally, I've read that too much explanation can be counter productive at that age. YOu should let the consequences do the teaching. If you think he doesn't know what he did wrong (which is unlikely if this has been going on a while) then you can explain to him what he did wrong. But otherwise, I would minimize the explanation to a few words (e.g., "use your words if you want a toy"). I've read all of this advice in quite a few different discipline books, but the one I like best is called "Love and Logic". Good luck, you're not alone.

It sounds like your son has found a way to get under your skin. Based on experience with my 6-year old son, it was because he was lacking emotional connections. Your son has found a way to make you completely bend over backwards to accomodate his emotions. I would try finding quiet things to do together where he is the center of attention when it is just the two of you. For example, read books, color, water paint. Don't make it a thing he is forced to do with you; just color things on your own and ask him to come play with you. Show him how much fun your having. These "sessions" should be generally short 30min-1hour per day for starters. Eventually as weeks go by he'll begin to bend more towards what you want him to do. He'll gain a new respect for you because you have new things to teach him. I hope that helps, it helped and still helps me when my son gets out of line each time I make him responsible for a grown-up function (tie his own shoes, brush his teeth, start the water for his shower, etc.) Good Luck!

My son is doing the same thing, only he is sixteen months. They are doing it for the attention. They're using their bad behavior as a sense of power kind of like " look what I can make my mommy do " type of thing. What you can do is.... ignore him!!!
When he does bad things... ignore it. Act like you don't even see it. But when he does something good... support his behavior! He will eventually see that bad behavior doesn't get any attention from mommy and he will stop it. My son is down to pushing people only when they are in his way now. He used to just get up out of bed and run around the house pushing people just to do it, now it's mainly just when the older kids are picking on him or they stand in his way and won't let him go wherever it is he is trying to go. I know it sounds stupid, and like it might not work, but trust me... with time, it will work. It worked wonders with my son and every other child i've tried it on... give it a shot. Worse case scenario... you're no worse off than you are now right?

First of all, I have no expertise in this issue as my daughter is only a year, has just learned to walk, and isn't able to push anyone down yet. I am a teacher of 9 year old which also totally discredits me from responding. I saw that no one else had, and I imagine it is pretty uncomfortable to be in the situation you are. One of my best friends has always told me that she said no, but never really reacted to her son's misbehavior. Responding in a big way is just giving attention that they like.

I only was spanked once in my life, but one of my first memories is of my mom biting me. I was the oldest and I guess I was biting my sister. I don't remember that. I do remember my mom biting me. I am not suggesting that you slam your son to the ground, but maybe giving him the idea that it doesn't feel good would help.

I have 3 active boys, so believe me, I've been there. First of all, don't worry that it's a terrible behavioral problem because it will probably go away. You sound like a great mom -- involved and caring. I would suggest being as proactive as possible -- staying close to him so you can intervene immediately, even before he starts to push. then pull him away for a little attention from you. I know, it's hard because you won't get your adult chat time while the kids play, but hopefully it's just for a month or so. I don't think time outs and leaving will have much impact on him until he's older. Also, i wouldn't talk too much about it -- I think you're right that he likes that attention. Please don't feel embarassed. With 3 kids, I have the perspective of having been on both sides of the fence. He's not hurting or scarring other kids for life, and he's not destined to be a bully. Good luck!

I would try completely ignoring your son and focusing on the kid he pushed. He's probably doing it to see what you will do and less about what the kid he pushed does. He's probably wanting to get a rise out of you. My daughter started hitting and this worked very well. Now, besides no longer hitting anyone, she will run over when another child gets hurt, wanting to hug them. Even a crying child in the supermarket will distress her.

Hi L.!
It may certainly be what you suspect -- bad attention maybe what he feels is the best way to get attention.
I did want to tell you though what it turned out to be for our son. Roland has speech and some motor skill delays. Many told us "big" boys are just that way - lazier than other kids. He really was trying to communicate but couldn't form words. I asked DuPage County Child & Family Connections for an evaluation. Several tests were done at home -- he did have more than a 33% delay. Speech therapy was begun at about 26 months. Then the unprovoked aggression started. Thinking it was behavioral due to the speech -- another set of evaluations were done. He has sensory integration issues. People too close or quick movements were agony for him. I was hit in the face plenty depending on my movement. He was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS which is on the autism spectrum just high functioning. It more about behavioral and teaching him how to communicate first...instead of striking first. He is doing great and early intervention was the key. I don't wish this on any parent - but keep open to the signs.
Good luck!
S. in Lisle