2 1/2 Yr Old VERY Selfish!!

With a psych background, I have learned that it is important to tell children what they can do instead of what they cannot do. For example: please share with your cousin, instead of don't take her things. Also, it is important to demonstrate ways to share. Get down on her level and show her how to share and continuously reward her for the good things. It sounds as if she is jealous and stating things in a "no" sort of way will only push her in that direction. She continues to learn how to interact and may be intimidated by what she cannot control...the fact that the baby gets more attention (positive attention). So, in order to get attention, she may be acting out to get any attention at all, whether it be positive or negative. It is important to say positive, rewarding things to her when she does so and not to label her as selfish. If a child is continually told she is selfish, how does one expect her to change? I am not saying this is done, just food for thought.
The main issue sounds like jealousy, so focus on anything positive, and she will like that attention so much that she won't be able to help herself from doing positive things for positive attention. I know there are many aspects to this issue which both you and your mom face; this addresses just a few and hopefully helps. Also, since this is such an issue, could you set up a reward system for sharing? Just a thought. We have to teach them their actions and can't expect them to come so naturally. the fact that you're concerned shows that you are a great mom. keep up the good work. and try at all costs to be positive....your mom too.

I remember when my son was in the toddler room which is that age. They had two of everything because toddlers don't share. They simply do not have the connections in their brains yet to truely understand sharing. It's a learned thing that they get when they are 3 to 5 years old.
My son has a half brother that is two years younger than him. His dad and the brothers Mom had a very hard time with my son who never had to share outside of school before the little one started crawling. They used the "special toy" tatic. Basically, my son had many toys he had to share with the little one but when the little brother took a nap, or went to bed earlier, my son got to get out the special toys out and play with them. It did help some--but he was a very logical child.

Sounds like she's jealous of the baby. My 5 year old is going through a little of this with our 2 year old. And if you're paying attention, you can tell when it's going to happen. Kids are funny that way - you can almost quite literally see them think!

Basically, the time out's aren't being done effectively or timely. She kicks/screams yells "no" all because she can get away with it. "Discipline" has to be instant/immediate - the instant that she steals the toy, then deal with it. Kids will get this glint in their eye, go over, and whack another kid. I've watched it happen with SEVERAL different kids, and can almost recognize it now. I'll ask my oldest when she's on her way to do something to her sister, "Hey, what are you doing?" She'll try to put on her halo, look innocent, and say, "Nothing...." and then go do something else. It's all about paying attention.

Anyway - with the time-outs. It's 1 minute per year of age. The first time it's done right, she's going to kick/scream and probably go on and on to try to get out of it, and why not - it's always worked before. If you can't thwart the event before it happens, then don't give her the option of taking a time out. Go get her, walk her (or take her) to the time out spot, tell her "You're in time-out because you hit your cousin and that's mean. I expect you to sit here until the timer beeps." When she gets up, and she likely will (all kids do), keep putting her back without saying a word until she stays there for the 2.5 minutes. Once she finally does (and it may take a few hours before she finally stays there), let her know, "You were put in time out because you hit your cousin. I want an apology, and your cousing needs an apology." Then hugs/kisses. This has to happen EVERY time.

Kids need to be able to predict the consequences of their actions with 100% accuracy. She's a smart kid - If she knows that each and every time she's mean to her cousin (by being selfish or whatever) that she's going to be put in time out, then at some point she's going to realize that maybe it's not worth the price of poker to keep terrorizing her cousin.

It's going to have to mean that at least for the time being that you and your mom are "on it" in a way that she's aware that you guys are "on to her". It may take a week before she finally gets the idea and you two can "relax" and not have to watch her so closely, but it'll work if everybody's on board.

Good luck!!

***I will add that with our oldest we've started explaining to her that her sister doesn't understand sharing because she's too little. There are things we do to reinforce good behavior...I'll tell our oldest every night things she did that day that were really good...like sharing with her sister, eating all her dinner, helping mommy pick up, etc. SO, when you find her doing something good, she should be praised for it too.

Its a learning stage...all toddlers go through this.
My 3 year old does this too..she'll share as long as she's asked. We will go into walmart and she thinks the toy section is hers in the store...she's asking why those other kids are taking her toys...lol...or when we're at great grandma & grandpas house, since she is a little older than her little cousin, she always says, these are chloes, you can't touch unless you ask me. Have you seen Rugrats? that's Angelica....lol...anyhow it is normal...its part of the learning stages, and you just got to teach not everything is "Yours" to her, and let her know that sharing is a lot better than making everything out to be just give it to her thing. We're dealing with this part now...because my girls are 12 1/2 years, 11 and 3. and they all are selfish in one way or another. So we have to break it to them how we share and care for others. Giving is nicer than taking. Than they will learn that its okay to share. The reason you want to start that now, is one day if you put her in daycare or she starts school, the teachers won't tolerate it. Chloe don't mind sharing as long as its in her eye range...lol. And the other kid don't go to far with her stuff or try to keep it too long.

Your daughter is NORMAL! Please do not punish her for not sharing. You need to teach her how to share. Telling a 2 year old to "share" means nothing. Use a phrase like "taking turns"... "you use it for a minute, now she gets it for a minute, now it's your turn again". Of course you want to teach her to share but the best way is by demonstrating and helping her through it. Most kids don't really get the "sharing" thing down pat (without adult prompting) until age 4 or 5! You need to model the behavior. Also, board games are a great way to learn how to take turns. My kids were playing Candyland and Chutes and Ladders at 2.5 years old.

Also, with my kids, time-outs weren't really effective until they were closer to age 3.5. But like I said, you should be teaching her how to share (which takes daily demonstrations for months/years) instead of punishing her for not doing it. It's basic toddler surviver skills left over from past generations (same reason why kids' taste buds are different and green veggies taste 'strong'... many poison plants are green and taste bitter)... you hoard food or whatever to survive.

Hi A.,
I hear your frustration. Your 2 1/2 year old most likely is responding to a need to be "in charge." Sharing is about giving up control. Out of my 3 kids, I have one who is strong-willed. The best way to feed her need to be in control was to give her control whenever possible. Children at this age want to make choices. As caregivers we need to make sure that the choices we give them are choices we approve of i.e. "Would you like an apple or an orange for your snack?" Think of how many things we tell our kids not to touch. They know that things are "off-limits" to them and we don't share everything equally with them now do we? They know that when you "call the shots", you are powerful. 2 1/2 year olds want to feel powerful too and what better way than to pull rank over a 9 month old. It would be great to get into your child's thoughts and find out what is really bugging her. Is she afraid that the baby will break something and she is in a panic over it potentially happening? Role modeling at this age is so important. Could Grandma get something new and "share" with both children making a big deal that the item is hers but she is sharing. Grandma can give each child equal time with the special item pointing out taking turns and trust and that she is not threatened by sharing. Being told "NO" is difficult for any child. The book Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend helps parents decide which things the kids can control and which things you as parents have to control. I hope this helps.

I think this behavior is typical of a child this age. I don't know if you stayed home with your other kids, but if so, that could account for their sharing better. Mine is an only child and actually does well with sharing. The thing is, with the difference in age between your child and your niece, I don't think the baby is going to care that much if she doesn't get to play with your child's toys. Keep in mind that it sometimes takes a lot of time and patience and repetition before a child learns the skill or desired behavior. You and your mom just need to keep being consistent. I don't see any reason that your child should not be able to play with the baby's toys, even if she isn't ready to share hers yet, as long as the baby doesn't get upset. You could try bringing toys to share like blocks or things like that with multiple parts. Don't expect her to share a toy that is very special to her. As far as the tantrums, everyone should simply leave the room, saying, "Come and get us when you are finished." That way you are not giving her attention for the behavior. And teasing the baby should not be tolerated. She should immediately be taken away from the baby, telling her it isn't okay to do that,and be put in time out. Good luck!

I am so sorry for your mother! It must be driving her to distraction. I know it would me! I think for now she has to have her own toys at your mother's and the baby needs to have her own toys and neither of them needs to share with the other one. If she wants to have a temper trantrum when she hears the word "no" then she needs to go to her bed and stay there until she is ready to apologize for her behavior. And she isn't to young for this to happen. Are you sure this isn't something that started at home with the older children telling her "No, you can't play with that, touch that, because it is mine"? You might want to start listening closely to what is being told to her at home by her older siblings. In the meantime if she doesn't want to share then no one shares with her!

IN addition to what everyone else said. Even if there is no one else at home her age get the rest of the family involved in showing her by taking turns with her and showing through responses how wonderful and fun it is to take turns. It needs to be reinforced at home and and at grandma's. And it will get easier.

hahaha...oh my gosh, that sounds exactly like my son. he's a pistol! I think it's just a symptom of that age. I know it's tough, because I feel like I do nothing but yell all day...it's exhausting! We've somewhat gotten over the sharing thing only because he has an older brother who models sharing for us, it works out nicely. But I would try modeling sharing between you and your husband in front of her. Have mommy and daddy take turns using something that she wouldn't at first be interested in, but when she sees you "playing" with it, she most likely will be. Once her interest is piqued you can let her "have a turn" and then nicely say "okay, mommy's turn" or "alright, let daddy have a turn!". Then try it with something that she treasures.

She may not have a firm concept of what sharing is exactly.

As far as the time-out thing goes, my son does the exact same thing when I tell him to pick up his toys, so I feel ya on that! They're a handful at this age!

As a mother of 13 years and a childcare provider for 10 years with an ECE degree.....ITA with Becky S and Deb T!! Please plase re-read their responds and try to apply the advice they give...

Just so you know you are not alone!! My daughter will be 3 in June, and I have an 8 month old baby girl. It has been incredibly difficult to get her to share. I think our oldest gets use to being "the queen" for so long, it is hard for them to get use to the fact they now have to share. I am sure it is hard for them after 2 years having everything for themselves! I have tried to stay positive with my oldest telling her CONSISTENTLY she has to share. She is doing better finally, but I just think over time it will sink in. BUt you have to stay consistent, and sometimes I know it's easier to give in. I am a stay at home mom, married almost 3 years. Just try to be consistent, and if you can take away a favorite toy for, say a week, and see if that helps. I have done that before and it has worked! We have also been doing alot more play dates with other kids, and that has helped too. Now she is very protective of her baby sister!! Good luck!

She's not selfish, she's 2. I'm not sure if you really think there's a problem or not, but there isn't. Some kids are a little more strong-willed than others. She'll grow out of it and until then you need to tell her that she must share. Stay close to her and make her give back things she grabs.
Time outs don't work for sharing because there's no connection. Times out are for when kids need time away from the environment. You hit? You don't get to be around that person. You throw a fit? You need to sit quietly for a couple minutes. But sitting by yourself isn't a natural consequence of wanting to play with a toy. She's 2, she doesn't get it yet. So, instead of meaningless consequences, make it something that fits the crime. She takes a toy from someone else, you give the toy back and move her away from the other child to play with something else. Redirective discipline (do this in stead) works much better than punishment (you were bad and need to sit in the bad girl place) in most cases.
Teaching sharing is about showing how, not just saying "that's not sharing" over and over. Get out a timer and tell her she gets 2 minutes with it, when the timer beeps, she has to turn over the toy until the timer beeps again.
No is a strong word and should be reserved for big things. Runs away in the parking lot? Say no. Takes a toy? Try "It's not nice to take the toy from baby, please give it back." Always use "I" statements so you don't accuse. "It makes me mad when you_______", "It makes me sad when you _________", "It baby me when you ____". They don't want to make you upset, but a reaction is better than nothing. So, telling them that you don't like what they've done works better than just saying no and putting them away.

Good Luck:) It will pass...

A., your daughter is only 2 1/2, she is acting the only way she knows how, by acting like a 2 yr old. Don't try to put an adult head on her shoulders. 2 yr olds can be very selfish, some are worse than others. Just love her
but let her know her boundaries. Try using postive on her instead of the negative, like say to her why don't you play with this toy instead of that one. sometimes they responsed better to postive, but doesn't everybody? Since the time out doesn't really seem to be working, maybe you should try something else. I don't know what you could try. Maybe try looking on the internet for child behavior, and see what other people are doing. Wishing you the best.

K.

There are PLENTY of children's books and videos/CD's out there that talk about sharing: FRANKLIN LEARNS TO SHARE - book and/or CD; POOKINS GETS HER WAY (book), Veggie Tales has some on sharing too.