19 Year Old Daughter Left Home Without Telling Us

You're not being manipulated. She's trying to find her way. She wants some space right now, and you have to give it to her. She is talking to you. She is showing you that she loves you. If you keep pushing her and insisting that she call you or meet you, there's a very good chance that you will push her away.

Give her some time. She's texting you or messaging you, so she is communicating with you. If you respect her wishes, she'll come around.

There is obviously WAY more to this story for this to be happening right now.

STOP thinking about yourself. Be thankful she is still communicating. As long as she is communicating, there is a chance. Don't push he away at this point with wanting to talk about everything.

Let her take the lead. She sounds very conflicted but you are fortunate she is still communicating at all. Be patient and keep your door and ears open.

Updated

There is obviously WAY more to this story for this to be happening right now.

STOP thinking about yourself. Be thankful she is still communicating. As long as she is communicating, there is a chance. Don't push he away at this point with wanting to talk about everything.

Let her take the lead. She sounds very conflicted but you are fortunate she is still communicating at all. Be patient and keep your door and ears open.

She's 19. She's an adult. You've raised her the best way you know how. She wants to be independent and that's natural. She stole money from you and she knows it was wrong, and she wants to make money to pay you back. What is wrong with any of this?

Maybe she's scared she won't be able to manage, but it was your job and her father's to prepare her for independent life at 18. She can't possibly succeed if you don't allow her to. Of course it's "all on her terms" - that's called being an adult.

I don't know why she left without telling you. Maybe she didn't want all this drama? How can you let a child have "total control over" your heart? Have you not prepared yourself for separation from an adult child? How is this about how you've "lost her"? It sounds to me like she's feeling she has to take care of you and your emotions on top of everything else, and that's why she's taking time to send you "I love you" messages - because she knows you cannot manage on your own? That's backwards, Mom.

Please see a counselor to work on ways to separate from your now-adult child, and to stop making this about manipulation of you. I don't see that at all, and I'm concerned that you do. Learn how to stop making this harder for her by demanding something on her part, like making this the moment to "clear the air." And I notice you have not explained the back story of why their is air to be cleared or how you handled her stealing from you.

Leave her alone. Let her start to be an adult and live on her own. You don't get to tell her "it's okay" to live with her boyfriend. That's her decision, and not yours to give permission for. This sounds like a very unhealthy parent-child relationship and I give her credit for getting out on her own to find herself without being dominated and managed and guilt-tripped by you. If you want to drive her further away, you'll continue as you are. Otherwise, get help for yourself.

Sorry mom but this isn't about you. She's lost right now. She can't figure things out but she knows you are there and love her no matter what (which is why she is texting you every single day).

What did you do about the stolen money from the credit cards? When did that happen? Close to when she left? Because that's a really big issue that you need to address and put expectations in place to get paid back.

At this point your best bet is to call her and leave a voice mail if she doesn't pick up. Let her know that you believe in her ability to figure this out. Now that she's an adult with rights come responsibilities. Let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk things out. BUT STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU. IT ISN'T.

Your 19 yr old stole some money and ran away from home.
I think that would upset anyone.
She returned 5 days ago but it sounds like she's not staying with you?
Can you see a counselor so you can work through your feelings with them?

In your shoes I wouldn't know what to do.
I'm not sure I could believe the letters (more than one?).
I'd have so many questions and my mind would be racing to figure things out and jump to the worst conclusions.
I'd want to know what the money was stolen for - drugs? abortion? concert tickets? something else?
She wanted to make money? How? By doing what?
Did she try prostitution? Was she raped?
Did she really go the NYC?
Did her boyfriend go with her?

I really think a counselor would help me get a hold of myself.
And maybe the counselor might be willing to have your daughter be there when you two meet and talk things over - because I'd need that objective support while listening to her.
Daily "I love you"s without any context can be un-nerving but you can simply say
"We love you too" and not delve into any if's/and's or but's until she's willing to really talk to you.
Don't bring up money - and don't send her any - it could be used for anything or maybe she'd give it to the boyfriend.
If anything - send her a bag of groceries from time to time.

My sister was tough on my mom - still is even though my sister is in her 50's and Mom is 82.
My mom had to evict my sister when she turned 18 and my mom met with a counselor for a long time before applying the tough love.

It seems like there is more to this story. Obviously she would like to brake a pattern that you have developed over the years and I wonder if you have manipulated her and she needs to break out to find a healthy way to grow up and become mature.

You might need counseling on this for yourself and get a grip on how to also develop a new relationship with a daughter that is transitioning from a teenager to an adult.

You should get rid of this kind of wrong assumption of her manipulating you. Otherwise you get blind of the real problems you have here. Look deeper. You both need to learn how to treat each other with respect.

You are a good mom. She is trying to work with you, obviously she keeps texting you...

Well, of course we don't know all of your situation. But I would say that if she is living with her boyfriend, then she has a roof over her head and food to eat. And at 19, she's old enough to get a job. And she needs to do that.

She did something really awful, stealing from you. You should NEVER let that happen again. Did you change your card numbers? Passwords? You MUST do this. She cannot go through life taking from others. 19 year olds who steal from their parents shouldn't be given handouts. Regardless of whether or not she is trying to manipulate you, you shouldn't do it.

Forget about clearing the air. Leave her alone for a while. It shouldn't be all on her terms, mom. You DO know that you were raising her to grow up and be on her OWN, right? Just because it happened earlier than you expected doesn't mean that it wasn't going to happen. But it shouldn't have happened with her STEALING from you...

Let her find out what it means to work. If she ends up wanting to come home, tell her that she can come home, but she has to make things right with you first. That means paying back the money she stole and agreeing to house rules. And house rules include specific things, including WORKING.

You could tell her that you expect her to pay rent, and if you are happy with her choices later (and you don't tell her this, mind you), when she moves out again on good terms, you can give her the rent money back to help her with her new place. Or if she decides to go back to school, tell her that she must pay her own tuition and she can live at home rent free, STILL under house rules of some sort. She may not have a curfew being a college student, but she should have to clean and do chores.

As of now, none of this is on the table. But if you don't leave her alone and if you don't stop wringing your hands, she will never "miss" you. And she won't really grow up if you don't let her.

She's 19. She doesn't even have to talk to you if she doesn't want to so relish any contact you do get to have. Let her know you love her and wish her well. Don't even tell her she needs to come back home because that will cause her to dig her heels in more and she'll stay away just to be oppositional.

I feel bad for you. It's hard having something like that happen. But she's an adult now. Fail or succeed, she's out trying to make her own way. She'll make mistakes and she have successes.

I think there is a lot of back story to this. Sounds like you both need counseling and I mean that in a nice way. Just so you can both deal with what all has gone on and have help on how to move forward. I went through something similar at that age with my mom. I didn't steal money but I moved out because I wanted to do my own thing. We got counseling when I came back and it help us all. We are very close now. I would give her some time. If she's texting you everyday she's not shutting you out. Good luck!