14 Yr Old Major Attitude Problem

Parenting teens is challenging! These articles have a couple ideas that might help:

https://www.pricelessparenting.com/documents/being-treate...
https://www.pricelessparenting.com/documents/setting-heal...

This is the age when you have to start to back off. Not entirely, but you have to start letting him have some of the independence he craves. That means making him responsible for the choices he makes. In high school, kids need to be responsible for their own work, their own relationships with their teachers, and managing their friendships.

So, start to give him some independence - but that means he reaps what he sows too. Let him start to develop some life skills - since he apparently wants to be an adult and not do what you say, if he doesn't like your adult decisions. So, in exchange for more independence, he takes on adult stuff. Start with a few areas: he manages his own clothing, his own school work, his own schedule.

So, set a budget for clothing, and give him the cash. When it's gone, it's gone. He's also, from this day forward, in charge of his own laundry. Anything on the floor of his room or under his bed is his problem. Put a hamper or laundry basket in his closet, and he's in charge. Inform him that instructions/lessons will be given on Tuesday morning at 10 a.m., and he can show up or not show up as his wishes. Anything of his that finds its way into the family hamper gets put in pile on the laundry room floor "where you can find it, honey." The only way you throw his favorite shirt or his soccer uniform into your wash is if he has already done a load of family wash himself. And that's the exception, not the rule. But if he doesn't fold something and he goes to school with a wrinkled shirt, or if he wears something more than once, you have to bite your tongue and fail to notice/comment.

School work - he's in charge of his homework, his extra help, his projects, his detention if he doesn't do it. He can work it out with his teachers. He doesn't want you involved because he thinks you're a know-nothing parent? Fine. You still go to conferences and help with anything major like IEPs or whatever, and you make sure you sign him up for sex ed and anything else that's important but voluntary. But you don't sit on him to do his homework. If he gets some bad grades in 9th grade, fine. He'll have plenty of time to recover. He thinks Mr. Jones, the math teacher, is unreasonable? Then he learns to respectfully engage with Mr. Jones after class, ask for extra help, and work it out. A "D" never destroyed anyone, and now is the time for him to cope with it.

Schedule - he doesn't put his soccer game or someone's birthday party on the family calendar? Then you don't know about it and he doesn't get a ride. He gets in trouble with the coach? Oh well.

Your phrase is "How unfortunate for you." It was HIS CHOICE to not do homework, to forget his permission slip, to fail to put his materials in his backpack the night before so he was ready to get out the door. Don't fight, don't take the blame. Let him learn the joys of being an adult which include the consequences.

And so on. Use the summer to prep for this, get your own ducks in a row. Meantime, if he's not doing what you asked him to do, don't nag. Just magically find that you don't have time to do something for him because you were busy doing the task he was supposed to do. What does he need from you now? He wants his cell phone bill paid or his WiFi password available, he wants snacks for his friends or rides to do stuff. You start not having time or start forgetting to do things because you were busy doing "his" jobs. Start slowly, start with agreeing with him that he is growing up and can make more decisions after weighing all factors, and say you are going to loosen up. Write up a contract if you have to, and both of you sign it. Indicate that disrespectful language will not be tolerated, but disagreement will be.

Also, research "teen contracts" and key words for kids to use if they get into unsafe situations. There needs to be a code word he can text you to come pick him up if he's with kids who are drunk or doing drugs, in which case you agree to "be the bad guy" and demand that he leave without him having to say to his friends that he's uncomfortable. There are also contracts for kids who drink but the parent agrees to come get them and not punish them or rebuke them right then.

Remind him that he's working toward learning more responsibility so that he can get a permit, license and permission/insurance to use the car soon. So this is a lead-up to that. They do turn around if you are strong in your position and if you let them feel their way a bit, fail a bit, and grow up.

Arguing takes 2 - so don't engage. That's the first step. Just walk away. Then you're still the parent, and not on her level.

As for phone, you can take that away. You're the parent. Make her earn it. Then she earns your respect too. Give her jobs to do. Responsibilities. Etc.

Attitude - well, some of that is typical for age. I only put up with so much. Disrespect - no. Disrespect means you just lost your right to whatever - drives, meals, whatever. My kid can go make an egg (doesn't get to eat with us). I don't fight - I just don't have them join us. I started this years ago, so it's not really a big problem now. We hit this earlier and not all at once.

I think the not being interested in their attitude is the way to go. Same as you would a toddler. Negative attention is the same - don't give it to them. Be there to listen - when they are respectful. Teens still want attention from parents.

take the phone. its a privilege not a right

Privileges are constantly earned by good behavior - chores and homework completed, generally being helpful, etc.
If she earns no privileges - then she gets none.
A phone (tv, computer, devices, etc) are privileges - not rights.
I'll never understand why so many parents never see this as an option.

"The quickest way to fun is to get the work done".
Cross stitch it and hang it on your wall.
When she wants to verbally spar with you - point to it and say nothing else.

You don't have to participate in every argument you are invited to.
It takes 2 to fight.
Simply ignore her when she has an attitude.
Ear plugs are your friends.

Our son understood from an early age that if he worked with me, life could be sweet, if he worked against me - life would be miserable.
It was entirely up to him which it would be.
Fortunately he chose wisely.
He enjoys being spoiled for being a good kid - and I enjoy spoiling him for being a good kid.
It's mutually beneficial.

Well, without knowing much info, this is a bit difficult to answer. What have you tried so far to help your child become a respectful, polite person? Do you argue in return or do you stay calm? How was your child's school performance last year? Did he or she complete homework satisfactorily, was he or she on time for classes, were his or her grades reflective of the best work possible, did he or she participate in clubs or activities?

If school was not a problem, then you work on attitudes at home. If school was a problem, you have two areas of concern.

I'm going to guess that this phone you refer to is a smartphone, with WiFi and internet? If so, who pays for the phone and who pays for the internet access? You? Then you control the phone. You limit your child's access in any way possible (talk with the provider - Verizon, Sprint, etc, to ask about parental controls). If a child is not helpful and polite at home, the child doesn't earn privileges like electronics. You password-protect the WiFi in the home.

But most importantly, you teach. Kindly, calmly, logically. You sit down with your child and you say something like 'right now, your job is school and family. You have to work hard at school, be on time, do your homework, and get your best grades possible. I understand that [math, French, whatever] is a challenge for you, so I don't expect A+ grades, but I expect you do to the best that YOU can do. And at home, we will all treat each other politely. We all have chores. [Mom, Dad, whoever] works to pay the mortgage (or rent), the bills, the groceries. We all have to make sure that we take care of our belongings. We all have responsibilities. I will promise to try to speak politely to you, and I want the same from you. But without your cooperation (at school, and at home), the privileges will be revoked. No phone internet or texting. No electronics. No going out with friends. When you demonstrate that you are willing to do your part to make school a success and the home a pleasant place to live in, the privileges will come back'.

And then you make sure to follow through. Speak politely. Demonstrate a kind, caring, respectful attitude. Don't complain about washing the dishes or whatever chore you have to do. Get the point across that the privileges being taken away are not really a punishment, they're common sense and logical. If you work, say at a store like Walmart, you get a paycheck and you get health benefits or other benefits, like employee discounts or something similar. If you don't do your job well, you don't get a paycheck or you get demoted or fired. If you do your job really well, you get a bigger paycheck or more benefits or you get promoted. It's the way life works.

what have you tried thus far?
khairete
S.

LOL, not funny, I know, but having the same problem with my granddaughter and from what everyone says, mostly you have to deal with it. My son has decided she will have times without her phone, worse thing we could have given our kids. It's the age, it's peer pressure, she's in the middle of a divorce. We're just hoping it passes, but he is going to give her rules this coming school year, her grades were down last year, her Mom doesn't give her rules or check her homework, etc. etc. Our schools have computers where you can check their homework, grades, etc. You have to set boundaries, grades go down, phone goes away. We'll see if it gets better or not, I've been told 13-15 is the worst years. Good luck to you !

Parenting teenaged girls is a challenge especially for Moms. Taking the phone away is easy, dealing with attitude is harder. First, don't take it personally. Girls at this stage are generally moody at home and wonderful with everyone else. If you hear how great she is from other parents, and her teachers then take a deep breath and ignore it. It will go away. If her attitude is spilling out at school with teachers and getting her into trouble then she has to deal with the consequences of her behavior. Most importantly never threaten a punishment that you can't or won't follow through with. You are a parent, not a friend!
Good luck! We survived through 3 teenaged girls and attitude x3 and things are great on the other side!! :)