Communication Issues with My Husband??

Honestly it sounds like you guys are talking, you just are not understanding each other, and this is where a couples therapist can help! People see and hear things through their own filters based on what they are thinking, so it can be hard to really hear what a person is saying without putting ones own intentions on it. A third party can act as a filter to help you each clarify what you need in a way the other person can really understand it. I know therapy helped my relationship in ways I am forever grateful for.

I'm sorry but your husband DOES know what he needs, you aren't listening. Hearing and listening are two different things. You say they are excuses to him those are his reasons and his feelings. I think some of the issue is that he is not doing what you want him to do.

Your husband wants to relax on the weekends, I get that. I'm sort of your husband. I think after 15 years of marriage, you aren't going to wake up and he will be standing with the dust buster saying "honey, lets clean today"! You and your husband need to find a compromise and doing what you want him to do is not a compromise. Are you upset that he didn't help or are you more upset that he didn't come and see what you were doing?

I hired a cleaning lady who comes to our house every Thursday to clean. Its the best money I have ever spent. I would give up cable before I would give up her!!! She has saved our marriage!! I work alot of hours and I have had two back surgeries. Cleaning is really h*** o* me and quite frankly, I hate cleaning. I don't like it and I don't want to do it. So, this was our compromise. Yay me! =)

In the end, if he is not willing the help, then I wouldn't do any of his stuff. See if he notices. I would also concentrate on the boys. That way, their wives won't be complaining about them in a few years!!!

first of all most men don't like to have long talks with anyone. whe nthey hear their wife say "we need to talk" they go into dread mode. I've learned the best times to talk to my husband is when he's happy - when you're laying in bed naked after sex, in the car going somewhere he wants to go, etc. When NOT to talk to my husband? During a game or a TV show he really likes. I also don't ell hime " we need to talk" cuz his brain shuts down. Particularly when we go into "feelings" - augh - he'll run as fast as he can.

Another thing is that most men really don't care how neat or clean the house is. Many men are happy if they have sex, food and TV - and usually in that order. They like the hosue to be neat and clean but not so much that they want to stop their sex, food or TV to make the house clean. Unless you're OCD you have to relax your standards of how the house should be. When my oldest child was an infant and I had just gone back to F/T work I began to realize something had to give. I decided it was not worth it to stay up to 1am get the house the way I wanted it to be. YOu and your family live in yoru hosue. It's going to look lived it. There will be shoes and sneakers near the door, in a pile if you're lucky. There will be piles of paper from school and work - unopened mail that you really want to look through, sports equipment in the hallway, clean laundry on the dining room table, dishes in the sink, crumbs on the counter... You get the picture. It's not worth losing your mind or health over.

Next time you're with your husband and are in bed after sex, or are driving soemwhere tell him you are often tired, and overwhelmed with housework. Instead of telling him what you want him to do ask him for suggestions. Men love to "fix problems". Offer alternatives what about a cleaning lady to do bathrooms and kitchen floors? I don't know how old your kids are but brin ghtem along side you when you're doing work around hte house. They can fold washclothes and towels (not they won't be perfect but they'll be in the closet and it doesn't matter - really), they can stack books in size order and put them on their shelves, they can collect toys, or school papers. It does take longer to train them to do stuff around the house initially - but when thery're older they can be soooo helpful. An example, Christmas EVen morning at our house, my husband was dusting and vacuuming the living room, my 16 yr old daughter was cleaning the bathroom and my 13 yr old son was vacuuming the kitchen and dining room. The kids take turns feeding the cats, loading & unloading the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, folding community laundry (towels) and their own clothes. They all help with the yardwork. allowance is based on how much they do and how well they do it.

Good luck communicating with your husband - men would rather do anything than talk with their wives about hosuework and feelings - so find a good time and bring it up gently (no planning BIG conversations), let him figure out how to "fix your problem" and share with him how you expect that he's going to teach the boys how to do the things he's so good at. Encouragement, expectations, 'atta boy" and thank you afterwards all go along way. yes, I know no one says Thank you to us after cooking and cleaning, but if those two tiny little words end up making my life easier I'll say thank you a thousand times.

Favorite fortune cookie saying I ever got: "A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife has a smart wife". Be that wife!

It gets better as the kids get older.

Hi there. May I first say that you sound like an organized person, as you say you are. That is good. But it sounds like you may be wanting to spend too much time organizing. And that does take its toll especially if you work outside the home too. You feel overwhelmed. I'd first ask your husband, if he is willing to take on one more chore, along with the cooking. Maybe he could vacuum. That takes a long time and would probably be a life saver, it would for me anyway. Someone wrote a letter similar to yours a while back, and one of the people commenting suggested that the entire family take 20 minutes, and work as hard and fast as you can, and do whatever specific chores you are delegated, for 20 minutes only. Then you can relax and have family time the rest of the night. We tried that, and it works awesome. We have 4 people in our family, so that is 80 minutes of cleaning. Imagine how you would feel if you got that from your husband and boys everyday. We don't do it everyday but we do it often, and my kids usually do other big things as well. And then I would suggest that maybe you not put so much stress on yourself to get things done. You would probably feel better if you just did organizing on certain days, and at least you would feel you accomplished something on those days. Whatever you choose to do I hope it works for you. Have a great new year!!

Okay I don't mean to sound harsh by any means because I agree that you sound very overwhelmed but I think perhaps sometimes as "some" women we seem "whiney" to our SO. There are some women who refuse or can't seem to do anything all on their own without the help of their husband for some odd reason. Perhaps I have just grown accustomed to handling things all on my own because my husband works retail and it is very hard to get things done if I am having to depend on him to help out because of his crazy hours. I have some girlfriends that absolutely cannot attempt anything without their husbands. I installed a baby gate into my wall without the help of my husband because I got tired of waiting for a day off that he had enough energy to do it. That's just me though-little ms. impatient and I'll do it myself.
I have even often told my husband if I have to ask for your help it means I want/need the help NOW...of course there are exceptions but I'm a pretty independent, sufficient woman but I do have certain limits such as lifting furniture or something crazy like that. I am OCD as well and I know this, as well as my husband, and my children. I get very upset if things are not done a certain way and to my expectation -it's a flaw I know and I really try my best to take notice of that and be a little more impatient. I often feel overwhelmed because my family has basically learned just let her be if she needs the help she will ask. However the downfall to that is if I'm busy and ask my daughter to help me by emptying coffee grounds into the trash and she spills the coffee grounds where I just finished mopping......ergh! I get upset of course but who's fault is that really? Can you really expect a 9 year old to help out with something like that? Maybe -maybe not guess it depends on the child and I get mad at myself for getting upset about the little things in life but honestly I cannot help it but it just makes me want to gag when I see husband/wife and the wife literally cannot do a single thing by herself...I mean really? What would you do if you didn't have your husband? I'm not saying you are this type of person by any means but like I said perhaps your hubby feels like he is at your beck and call and just wishes that you would leave him alone for like a minute! I think I can agree with the other posters-maybe come up with a compromise but first you need to find out what is wrong with your hubby....communicate without attacking each other. It might surprise you as to why he is upset with you-it might be over something so simple such as "you were wanting me to do a,b, c when all I wanted was an hour to watch the game. Know what I mean?

It is time to let go of your ideas of how things "should" be and address "what is." You and your husband clearly see things very differently. It is time to shift your focus to yourself, meeting your needs, and setting boundaries for yourself.

For example, you have a need for a clean and organized house. Your husband does not have a need to help in the way you would like. Therefore, what are your options? Do it all yourself. Hire someone to help you. Do only the parts that are about you and the boys and leave his stuff for him to do. Go on strike. etc.

As long as you continue wishing, waiting, and hoping that your husband will be different you will be frustated, stuck, and unhappy. It is time to release your expectations, stop arguing with reality, and make some choices about the things you have some control over.

One of the first rules in communication is to observe what your intention/purpose is in communicating with someone. As long as you are communicating to change someone or fix them or make them see things your way, the communication will fail. Instead, try communicating to seek first to understand, speak your truth, and to ask for what you need without expectation.

Expectations are the road to hell. Yes, it sucks that other people won't be what we want them to be. But it only sucks because we are giving our power away to them and not taking 100% responsibility for our own well-being.

And, how does it feel when someone is always expecting you to be different? It feels as if they don't think you are good enough and that they are constantly judging you. Do you want to help them when they do that to you? Or do you want to shut down, rebel, or just plain yell at them to get over themselves? We all want to be accepted as we are. Noone likes to feel that they are constantly being regarded as "not good enough."

This isn't about your husband and his need to change. Only he can and will decide whether he needs change in his life. This is about you being able to let go of him and see the big picture for yourself. Let this be the time that you put yourself on the list and care enough about yourself to make the tough choices about what you can change. You cannot change him no matter how much you "communicate." You can, however, look at how things really are and start making the choices that are really available to you. This will help you to feel less crazy, frustrated, and exhausted. When you argue with reality you will lose every time.

I think it's so important to teach kids to pick up and organize things and do chores. On the other hand it's not the main thing in life. I would have a chart of things for them to do each day, such as make their bed, pick up toys and brush teeth, etc. Check it off and done for the day. As for the other things I would say clean once a week and run the vacuum while the kids help pick up anything out of order and your husband could maybe cook while you dust and clean. Laundry seems so simple to me when you just put it in the washer and shut the door and then fold when moved to dryer and done. Have the kids learn to fold their clothes and maybe your husband could fold his. Share towels and things like that for folding. It could be a time to talk while doing it. I didn't work outside of the home but I did have 8 children and the work was never done. When my first were little I was like you, I spent days, hours, etc. sorting toys and organizing until one day I realized the kids were enjoying the toys and as long as picked up at days end why sort everything. It was just for 'me' and not a real need to do.. I also used to scrub my kitchen floor every night, vacuum every day, etc. It was awful and drove me and the family crazy and finally that too was gone from a daily routine. The kids lived, no germs got them. My husband and I cooked together when our first kids were little but later on I did it all and it was not bad at all if you plan ahead. Maybe you could use your organizational skills in planning meals ahead and freezing them, etc. All I can say is my kids are grown now and gone from the home, the chores are still here, I miss the kids and so you need to relax and enjoy the family. Be glad your husband has offered to do cooking and don't expect him to be a toy sorter. He's not. Enjoy time with him too so when your kids are grown you still have a happy healthy marriage. Do what is necessary each day and let the rest go until weekends or time to work together.

I'd guess his issue is you are not offering a compromise. You are asking him (rightly so, and in the right manner) to do it your way.

I'd suggest YOU need to be a little LESS organized, and HE needs to help out a little more. That way you BOTH show you care about the other's needs, and you BOTH get a little break.

:)

My husband works pretty hard during the week, so I only ask that he spend quality time with our child from the time he gets home until our child's bedtime (includes dinner at table & no tv)... And on weekends we take turns w/ quality time, have some joint family time and then he runs specific agreed-upon errands/completes designated chores while I cook and during my designated quality time w/ child. Everyday after bedtime, we complete some joint chores together and then have lazy time together on the couch until our bedtime.

It looks like you already have several good replys. My only other thought is - do you think your husband could be depressed? Some of the things he's doing and how he's acting point that way, to me. Just something else to consider.

I would probably tell him if he is not part of the solution then he's part of the problem. Other than that I can't be of help. I never got my husband to see that either. Get to therapy. I don't know how except with dire consequences.