I Need Help with Step Children

I am not a counselor. I may be completely wrong, here. I'm just going to say what we have experienced in our blended family. It may not be the same, but if parts are helpful, then that's a good thing so here goes.

When my husband (second) and I got married I had two sons. It was hard for me, being a single parent. I am not super organized and back then (over 10 years ago) I really, really sucked. Add to that the fact that as a single parent you are wearing so many different hats - cook, nurse, nanny, teacher, judge, counselor, maid - that it's hard to wear all of them really well. So my kids were not the tidiest or the most organized. I did the best that I could and when I had the support of a partner I got a lot better at the others. Now, my husband? He is, and was at the time, active duty military so organization and tidiness was a way of life. It's a very structured life he leads and in that area we were like oil and water. I think we nearly drove him to drink. But it was more than that.

He felt like the odd man out because we were all one way. We had been a family for a while and he was the newby. We had our language, our jokes, our habits, likes and dislikes. He was trying to find his place there and I didn't understand at the time how hard that was for him.

He didn't feel validated. These things, the organization and tidiness, were really important to him and when we didn't fall in line with how he did things, he felt like he was disrespected and that we didn't care. He didn't understand that old habits were hard to break and that we weren't being intentionally hurtful but more thoughtless and we didn't realize that thoughtlessness hurts just the same.

He had this great idea of what it would be like to be a family and at first it wasn't like that at all. He was really hurt, felt rejected, and was really disappointed. He thought we would get married and that he would fit seemlessly right it, and it didn't work that way. It takes time to make a new family out of an already exsisting older one. My kids tested him because they wanted to see who he was going to be in their lives. Was he a father, a disciplinarian, a housemate, a friend? They put him through all kinds of tests. I understood what was going on and why and when he heard me trying to explain it, he thought I was "taking their side." I wasn't, by the way, I just think we respond more appropriately when we know the "why" of a thing.

My sons felt an unconditional loyalty to their biological father which my husband didn't remotely understand. The guy was a jerk. He was emotionally abusive and unreliable. My husband was the one who played ball in the yard, coached the soccer teams, bought the birthday presents, gave the medicine and helped with the homework. But this other guy, this biological dad, tied his shoes in the morning and he was a freaking hero. Oh, it ground on my husband. It hurt him. He felt that they didn't care. They did, but they were too young to understand that loving one didn't mean that you didn't love the other, so they had to be really brave to develop that relationship - a relationship that was beautiful until that ring was on my finger and the whole dynamic changed.

It wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. This is their dad. They have two now. They love them both. So, I guess my advice to you is to be patient, B.. Rome wasn't built in a day. This is like building a house and switching contractors in the middle. It takes a while to get it all worked out. Go to counseling with your wife if you can afford it, even if it's just to your local pastor. The school counselor should have a list of local resources as well. Get on the same game plan with your wife and then add the kids to the mix. Don't try to be the heavy right away. Develop a relationship with them before you start to try to be the authority. Give out chores that you reward them for having completed. Watch and learn and find their currency. What do they like to do, what would make them feel loved? Use those things liberally.

I hope this helps, and for what it's worth, thanks for being man enough to do a job that often times comes with very little thanks.

L.

Some short-term family counseling is in order. The kids don't want to trust you, because you may leave, or be nice and then turn mean. Counseling lets everyone have their say, then you can start getting things back on track. It's easier for them at this point to have a stranger set some guidelines for the whole family. We combined families many years ago with some problems, and it helped alot. We made a list of jobs and privileges, who would do what on a rotating basis, and what punishments were appropriate for breaking which rules. The kids all participated in creating this, and suddenly there was no tension or yelling. They'd bust each other for not doing their jobs. You know you can't be "Dad". But you can be a good dad role model. You have to work longer and harder than some because of family history. You can only move forward by showing these kids that you are a decent, respectable man who wants to love and protect them and their Mom. They will eventually come around. Doing things as a family helps everyone bond, too. Have some fun, and good luck. Us Moms are always happy to see a man ask for advice!!

First of all, you need Mom's help to accomplish what you need. She needs to step up and support your efforts.Because the kids think if she doesn't back you up then it's a joke. There's a saying, If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get the same. These kids need to realize that change is happening and they need to jump on board. Change is hard, but it makes us grow and learn to be better people. I hope this helps. Just my opinion. Good Luck.

B.,

You don't need to talk to someone smarter than you because you are smart for asking for help! You just need someone to talk to with a different perspective.

My husband and I decided to host a foreign exchange student and have really enjoyed the experience. But, when he first came he didn't know how to clean up after himself or anything. His mom used to do all the house keeping chores for him, even putting books back onto his bookshelf and organizing his room. After we taught him how to pick up after himself he still wasn't doing it and it was making me really upset.

I finally realized it is a respect issue for me. So, my husband and I talked and we agreed to a 15 minute family clean up mission every evening for the public areas of the house. We don't really care what their bedrooms look like, but the public areas of the house should be ready for everyone to use at any time. We also asked that every person in the house to be responsible for cleaning the dishes, cups, and utensils they used during the day and putting those items into the dish washer. This has helped to limit the number of dishes I have to clean after dinner every night.

Once we started these two new routines my mood had really improved and our children have learned that they really like living and working in a clean space too. So, now they both are cleaning their bedrooms on a regular basis.

I know my situation is different than yours, but it might give you a place to start. The big thing here is you need to discuss this with your wife and your wife has to be the one to present the new rule to her kids. If it comes from you they will most likely ignore the new rules and it could turn into a marriage issue. Also, you might want to suggest your wife take point in announcing every evening the family clean up time to the kids. You can start the timer and put on some fun music, but she should be taking the lead. She may not see the need, but if she is the type of person you can talk to about anything, you should be able to express your feelings and ask her to help you feel better about the house and with her kids.

Finally, you might want to look at the FlyLady program. This program helps to see daily chores as blessings rather than curses. I agree that children should learn to pick up after themselves as they grow up. But sometimes children need to see a role model who picks up after himself daily in a grateful way to see that picking up is a good thing rather than a chore to be dreaded.

It takes almost a full month for a person to learn a new habit, so give your family time to adjust to the new routine and get into the habit of picking up after themselves. Don't yell or get angry if they don't follow the rule, instead talk to your wife about reasonable consequences and institute those consequences if they haven't responded after a friendly reminder.

If you have any questions about the FlyLady system and how it can work for guys let me know. FlyLady has a large number of FlyGuys who have built their own routines to fit their schedules.

Good luck and hang in there. =)

C..

You and mom need to see a counselor, and one of the big things you need to talk about is that you have boundaries about things like a messy house that, if you can't find a way to be on the same page about, are not going to work for you long term in this relationship.

The kids are getting the message from mom that your needs aren't to be taken seriously. If she can't or won't work with you in counseling to understand how to be a united front about most things, including some of your needs, you're never going to really succeed with the kids because she's teaching the opposite and they're going to take cues from her first for a while, perhaps indefinitely.

If you can get that far with the help of a counselor, and get the support you need from this woman, then you can start really working with the kids. You can do things like come up with awesome fun things to do and tell them they're welcome to come if they would like some time with you being friendly, or they can stay at home if not. They won't always bite, but if you find the right amusement park or ice cream shop or other outing, eventually one will cave and have a good time, and the others will start to get envious. Use that time alone with the kid(s) with their mom gone to talk to them, ask them questions about their lives, their goals, their dreams, their schools, etc. Act like you want to know them and are curious.

A lot of people take kids for granted, and they want to feel interesting to you if you're alone together. They want the chance to make you smile, but you will have to pry that risk taking step out of them at first because they don't have built up trust yet.

And once you've spent some time building this bond with them, start asking them for help with something you'd like to do as a treat for their mom, whom they love and wish to please. It gives you an opening into getting them to work with you. It won't work every time, but they should start to build up at least some willingness to work for something along side you and at your request.

After a while you can start in with "I would really appreciate it if you would do...", and "You would really impress me if you could manage ..." and such. They won't always bite. And it won't be an immediate solution for you, but you have to take it in small steps if you want to succeed.

Also, I have found that there is a large correlation between chaotic cluttered homes and ADHD. You have said too little to have any better sense of that possibility than vague potential, but if it were to turn out that they did have ADHD, you may need to recognize that they are never going to be the organized you want, but possibly could find some middle ground, where once a week you do a "guests are coming" style clean up just because, or something like that for the whole house and a once a night cleaning 5 minutes for the highest traffic two rooms.

Somehow your expectations need to meet with mom's though, before you're going to have a chance at success. And a counselor (psychologist) is likely to be able to help identify what the core problems in all of this are and how to better help you show respect between you and this woman.

Your wife needs to be on board with you. Without your partner your alone in this. Nothing will change or get better maybe only worse. My advice is for you and your wife to make a plan that is good for EVERYONE. Compromise is a huge key here. Because you do not have the respect of the children your road ahead will be a long one. I hope you can work this out. Maybe showing your wife this email she will see how desperate you are to fix these things and she will be willing to show you how much she loves you and work with you. Good luck!

Well I don't have step children but my oldest is the same, she expects me to give her candy or pay her to do everyday chores to which I refuse of course. But she will tell me she made up her room and trusting her I told her: ok no problem you can go play now- later when I go to her room to tuck her in for bedtime I realize shedidn't cleaned her bedroom earlier in the day when i asked her, everything is messy and she got her playtime... I get furious, I don't know why she is starting to lie to me about her chores, she says she brushed her teeth and she didn't, she says she is getting dressed and thirty minutes later when we are just about to leave I see her in her pijamas playing nintendo, OMG like get dressed NOW! we are already late.
It is exausting to have to check her on every single time she has to do anything, I can't imagine with more kids outnumbering me.
I clean the house and her dad and her are like a tornado, you can just see where they've been because there is a path of clothes, empty dirty plates, shoes etc.
I used to stress so so much about it, it was fight after fight with hubby.
I need to have everything organized and clean to even think straight, I cannot function amidst a chaos of clutter.
after my second child was born ( a year ago), I've bent a little but it's so hard when only one parent is the "clean freak" (like me) and the other could just live in a dump. ugh....
I agree with all of the other advise, BOTH mom and dad have to be on board with the same rules, whether it be cleaning, bedtimes, allowances, curfews etc. if not these kids will not make the tiniest effort to follow your rules, also just my opinion but when step children are involved I believe the biological parent has to be the main disciplinarian for the children to follow the rules and respect the other parent.
I wish you the best for you and your family and I you are not alone in stressing out about cleaning and organization, If I could I would paid a maid to help me but I just cannot afford it,
Good luck!

Hi B. - I feel so sad for you. I don't know if I can help, but I'll try. Question - what was your relationship with them before the separation? How old are they? Part of the problem, if their feelings have changed, could be that they don't trust you to say since you left once before. I'm a child of divorce (several times over) and it is never easy. It can take a LONG time to give the "new dad" a chance, and if there's a possibility of that person leaving, there's a "why bother/I'm not going to set myself up" factor going on.

If you and your wife are in it for the long haul, and the kids are of an age that they would "have" to go to family therapy, I think you should go for that. You need to know what they need, fear, etc., and vice versa. Men and women communicate differently, kids and adults communicate differently. Hopefully someone can help you.

I wouldn't be surprised if the mess/clutter in the house may improve as the "mess/clutter" in the relationship does.

Good luck!

My husband and I were married about 2 years ago. We each brought a child in. I moved into his house (were he and his ex lived for a couple years). It was the only home his child ever knew and at first, his daughter saw it as her house that I was invading. When you get married, one partner can't expect the other just to move in and carry on. It doesn't work that way. Everything needs to change. Here is my advice (because my husband and I had similar struggles)
First, TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Tell her your hurt. Don't be accusatory or defensive. Listen because she likely is feeling the same way about you. Talk about feeling insignificant and wanting to change that. Tell her you need her to help create more peaceful relationships with your kids. You want to create a happy home they will want to come back to when they are grown and gone. Ask her what changes she would like to see. Tell her what you would like to have.
Second, remove yourself from unnecessary battles with step-children. You're going to have plenty of battles raising kids. Pick them carefully and avoid the ones you can. She is just as responsible for bridging those relationships. An example for the house, hire Merry Maids or something twice a month. The kids then have to pick up their mess for the maids not you. Yes, its $200 a month but the kid have responsibilty and get in the routine of picking up their stuff and you've chosen one less battle to fight.
Third, don't feel like a lunatic. Second marriage have twice as many struggles as first. Relax and know your not alone (I was a gremlin about not rinsing your toothpaste spit out of the sink!). Your stepchildren had needs and wants that were accommodated when you got married, your wife did and so do you. Whose needs are still getting met? You need to FEEL loved and respected simple because you are a human being that lives in your family. As long as the same courtesy is extended to everyone else you are more than deserving of that too.

You have expectations and standards! you are not anal! you are not mean! Your wife will need to get on board and direct the chidlren and hold them responsible for THE FAMILY'S EXPECTATION (not just yours)! You are asking them to do something that is for the betterment of the family and thier lives! i know because i gave my husband the some of the same challenges, I agreed to get in the same book so that we can eventually get on the same page! Moving forward on this issue has to start with your wife! If you want your home to be the place of peace for you and the family continue to make it known but more so with your wife so that she can help you to reach the children and allow her to understand you are not trying to control her (she may feel that way because of her past) but you are trying to control the path that the family is going on, i had to tell myself me giving our children standards and expectation for a clean house not only helps me but them to grow into like you said responsible, organized CLEAN young ladies!

Step children are a hard issue. But I see something else here. Why won't your wife support you? Children need to pitch in and help keep the house clean, no matter at what level of clean the parents decide it needs to be kept at. No one should have to pick up after another person, much less the whole family.

Sit down with your wife and come up with a list of chores for keeping the house clean. Decide who gets to to what, or have a rotating schedule or whatever works for your family, and then BOTH of you talk to the kids and hold them accountable. Letting the house go is not an option, it shows that your wife might not be able to control/cross the will of her kids. That is just going to get worse. She is key in this family to making sure the kids respect you. They don't have to like you or love you, but they must respect you. And if she is unwilling to do this, then there is a problem.

Best wishes (no you are not crazy!)

First questions: How old are the children? How set in their ways? Are they respectful to their mother if she asks them to clean up? Were they this way before you split, or is this a recent development?

Now comments: First I'll qualify by saying that I do not have step kids, just a 7yr old and husband who can live with disorder until it interferes with their own actions ("where is my _____? I need it right now!"). I need a semi-organized house to stay sane and unfortunately I clean like a maniac to burn off steam and frustration so every time I start cleaning, they think I'm mad at them instead of simply trying to regain my sanity. I put up with the "throw things on the floor as soon as you walk in the door" phase for several years. Bad habit that son picked up from father. Why should son have to do it when father doesn't?
What fixed it was we drew up a contract regarding his allowance - walk in the door, hang up your backpack/coat. Keep the family areas cleared of toys so that others may use that space. Gather the trash/recycling and put it down for collection weekly. Once we established the monetary portion, I added an adendum to it "without recompense" - homework and chores directly after school, clean up bowls, boxes and whatnot from snacking, etc. - things he needed to do regardless of whether he's getting paid or not.
So far, it's worked out. We can refer to the signed contract whenever one side starts to balk about their responsibilities (my husband tries to get out of paying up almost as much as my son tries to get out of doing the work!) and we have a checklist that a parent needs to sign off on to make sure the work is done.
Both parents need to be involved with a semi-unified front. My husband and I don't have the same ideas of "clean" but oddly enough he holds my son to a higher standard of clean than he himself is willing to do, which works for me. Slowly, VERY slowly, I am teaching both (after 19 years of marriage) that it's easier to put things away so you know where they are rather than leave them out and forget where you've left them (or worse, have someone else clean up and put them in a place that makes sense to them, not you).
You are not trying to control the kids......you love them enough to want to instill good habits of cleanliness, order and responsibility to the chaotic life of a blended family. The upkeep of the house is a group effort and ALL inhabitants should take an active role in keeping it in good shape....if my son can't take care of his belongings, they go away until he can be more responsible for them.
Yes, in my opinion you do have deeper issues than a clean house going on. Perhaps a family meeting where everyone gets a say would help clear the air a little. There are no right or wrong answers, just open communication; however, everyone needs to be open and honest for it to work.

Part of the problem is that your wife is not mentioned much here, so it's hard to tell if you two are on the same page. Did you move into HER house, or vice versa? Since the former dad was a control freak, what you're witnessing as far as responsibility and clean up is reaction. However, working together as a family, there needs to be guidelines for the kids. Ages aren't mentioned here either, so it's hard to assess many measures. But this is a family unit. Everyone should work together and cooperate. By learning some discipline and 'everyone does their part' mentality, maybe the hostility towards you will start to break down.

So I would say the real problem is that you and your wife are not on the same page. She should be backing you up. Could be she feels the same way but hasn't a clue how to fix it. Start watching Supernanny when it comes back on the air. Lots of good strategies

If you work on building a relationship with these kids on their terms before you work on placing your demands, you will probably get better results. Try picking your battles and letting up on the others. My husband has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and demands we clean to his specifications all the time. The only thing he has accomplished is to alienate his family. You probably don't want that any more that he does. Can you make a change in your thoughts? Good luck!

you don't feel a part of it, yet, and everything that they do, or in your case, don't do, you will take it personally.
as you should, as a lot of us would.
mom needs to be on your side, otherwise you will be fighting a losing battle. it is not fair to you. from little you have posted, those kids need counseling. it is not your fault what happened with their biological father, but you seem to be getting short end of stick. you need to speak up though. most don't try to read minds, and you'll just come off being grumpy.
i suggest a family meeting first. lay it all out. and ask them all to come up with solution. if there is anger and resentment, then suggest marriage counselor.
good luck
ps step-parenting is a thankless job

Do they have an allowance? If so, what do they have to do to earn that allowance?

Maybe try something like:
Sunday -
Child 1 does the dishes and picks up bathroom and kitchen
Child 2 takes out the trash and picks up living room and family room
Monday -
Child 1 takes out the trash and picks up living room and family room
Child 2 does the dishes and picks up bathroom and kitchen

Have them switch back and forth throughout the week for who does what to keep the house clean and at the end of the week give them whatever their allowance is.

Or make a list for how much they can earn for doing little things. Like:
Washing your dishes after you dirty them - $1.00
Picking up your clothes and putting them in the hamper - $1.00
Putting your trash in the trashcan - $1.00

Then they decide how much they earn by how much they do. So if they wash all the dishes that they used at the end of the day they get a dollar. If they did that, plus picked up all their clothes at the end of the day they get two dollars.

That covers the house cleaning problem.

As for your relationship with them, try to find out what they like to do. If one of them likes to go hiking, offer to go hiking with him/her. I can't promise they will respond to it, but at least they will know that you are trying. Eventually they will come around.

The way you are treated by the children needs the cooperation and support of your wife to even start to work. Wanting a clean house and having the respect and the love of the children is not unreasonable. All of the family needs to have Christ in their lives and home for the best support and living. Acknowledge Him in all thy ways and He will director your path. Proverbs 3:6 and read all of Proverbs 3 and more but trust Him.

All of the below are very good advise....But my question is could it be there are afraid to let you in because you might leave again? If that is the case, it sounds like you will have to earn their trust again and depending on ages, the younger ones might do that easier than a tween or teenager. I wish you much luck and agree with the poster who stated you should show this to your wife.

Keep your head up you sound like a great and caring guy. Everything will fall into place if that is what is meant to be.