Park Play with Children You Don't Know

No--I probably wouldn't ask someone else's kids to wait either....
He's learning. Ignore those "uncomfortable mom moments"! No O. is being rough or rude, right? This is how they learn--even (or especially) when it's hard for us to watch!
How about when you're packing up to go--pick up a bucket & shovel for him and say--"Hey--do you want to take a few more shovels to share? We have lots. Want to take this blue O. and yellow O. in case there are kids there that want to play? Then we'll bring them all back for another day."

I guess I find it rude when other kids just come up and start playing with another kid's toys. Even my 2 year old has already learned that if a toy is not his, he must ask the owner of the toy if he can use it.

As the adult, when I see that another child has brought toys to the park, I remind my kids to ask first before playing if I see them heading over to play with them. At the same time, I also tell my kids that IF they choose to bring their toys to the park, they need to be prepared to share them with others. If they don't want to share, they can keep their toys at home, or in my diaper bag.

I usually say something to the other child IF that child is older than mine. My son is also 3.5 and has just recently started to understand that when another child plays with his things 99% of the time he gets it back. If the child is younger, I remind my son that the little one is just learning how to share and that he doesn't need to get upset. If the child is older, I say something to that child kindly, but directly. I will usually say something like "Would you like to play with JD's sand toys? We're working on sharing, could you do me a favor and ask him to borrow his shovel before you grab it? That's the polite thing to do and he's working on it too. Thanks!". It's a teachable moment for both kids-

I don't get this learning experience. I have a lot of opinions about this but will share a dissenting opinion because this experience confuses me, too.

If I brought a chair to the beach and someone went to sit in it, I would ask them to get up. I brought the chair, I'd like to sit in it. If I go to a potluck, I'm happy to share, I expect to share.

I would definitely say something because if children haven't learned to ask to play with someone else's things, they need to learn to do that. If your son doesn't yet have the language to say, "I'm playing with that. You can play with it after I'm finished" then modeling doesn't hurt.

As I'm writing this, I think it may have to do with expectation. Are we never allowed to have something that is just ours in a public place as children? The expectations between adults and children are so different and strange to me.

I know this might not sound like the typical answer, but you could always validate your childs feelings by saying to the other kids, "Charlie isn't quite ready to share his toys yet, but he will let you know when he is." Then tell your child, when he is ready to share to go tell those children. He will eventually find out that sharing is more fun and That way, you are allowing your child to share on his terms and also to be outgoing when he is ready. Does that make sense? Yeah, it might piss off the other kids, but you are teaching your child that his feelings are valued. I kind of have this weird thing about sharing....I don't think it is right to force your kid to share something or another kid to share what he has either. Sharing is a learned process and most children start to fully understand it around 5. Yes, you can encourage then to share, tell them how much more fun it can be, but when you force your child to share, I think you are causing resistance within your child. I think allowing your child to make the decision allows them to learn the process faster. I have always been this way with my daughter. I do remind her that sharing is polite and makes things more, but I never force her to give up something until she is ready. She is 5 now and she is a very very good sharer now.

Same goes for when you child wants something another child has. Tell your child that "Sarah is playing with that right now, but I am sure when she is done, she will let you have a turn." And if you notice that Sarah is done and your child is still wanting to play, ask her "Sarah, are you done? May Charlie have a turn now?" You are teaching him to be patient and understanding of others feelings.

I always think of it this way.....I share because I want to and it makes me happy to do so. No one is making me do so. If someone forced me to share, I wouldn't like it. And I am an adult. Imagine if some person you don't even know came up and took your coffee right out of your hand and took a drink out of if. And then barista turned to you and said, you need to share..... I know that is a far fetched story, but it is a fair comparison right?

I hope this gives you a different perspective. Good luck. :-)

This has happened to my kids who are very sensitive about their stuff, and I just spoke up. While they are grabbing for it just say: "these are our toys and we brought them so we could play with them. Go ask you mommy to bring some toys for you next time.". No need to share everything, especially when no one else brought anything to share. So, just be the mom and speak up!

I would have said something to the other kids about "please wait, and you need to ask nicely to borrow our toys." We have taken a basket of beach toys to the park and had kids "swoop in." I wait a minute to see if their parents will intervene. If not I will gently remind them that these toys belong to us, and they're welcome to play, but they need to be nice and ask first. That quick 10-30 second conversation usually gets a parent involved!

I've also had to remind my girl to "ask first" before she jumps in to play with another kid's toys. We go to a lot of different parks in various neighborhoods and it's interesting that it doesn't matter if you're in one of the more affluent neighborhoods or an apartment-dominated area, you still find the "gimme that" kids and parents who are too busy/distracted to notice their kids rude behavior or kids who simply aren't expected to behave/share (whether they're in preschool/daycare or at home with mom all day)!

Anyways, your question was about getting your son to play (share his toys) with other kids. Maybe it's just a matter of practice makes perfect? If you're a SAHM, and he's with you a lot (no other siblings), when does he have the opportunity to learn what sharing means? Do you participate in any "mom & me" activities (like Gymboree)? I used to take my girl so we had something fun to do together on Saturday mornings (I work full-time and she's in daycare), and I could always tell the kids who had a SAHM and no siblings--they seemed to have a very hard time understanding sharing & taking turns!! I thought of my girl as an "ambassador" because she is very good at sharing (but not a pushover), she's patient (doesn't mind waiting her turn), and she's very outgoing and friendly. I thought she would be a good example for the other kids who may not have similar group-play experiences. A lot of times I would stand back and observe the shock on a kid's face when she would tell them "no" or not let them jump in front of her (to go on the slide, etc)!

So, my point is to let him "practice" sharing and waiting. But, stand up for him when it's necessary (like reminding the other kids to ask first). That way, he learns to play nice and share, but isn't a pushover who just hands over his toy and walks away.
Good luck!

I would stop bringing toys to the park if you do not want other kids to play with them. The park is usually where kids go to play together and where parents often bring their children to socialize. Sharing toys is just part of it. I often leave the toys at home but if I decide I want that headache, I stress to the kids around the importance of sharing and TAKING TURNS with the toys so that everybody gets to play in a friendly manner.

It's really just all part of the learning process. He's still learning how to play with others and how to be ok with sharing his toys. For my boys preschool (well, daycare for my almost 3 year old) were huge turning points. It's so healthy for them to be in those situations and have do deal with other kids and learn to have fun and to negotiate.

Sounds like you're doing great!

Next time you go to the park ask your son to pick out which toys he wants to play with and then say,"okay, now which ones should we bring to share with the other kids?" That way he has his "special" ones just for him and some that he is prepared to let others play with.

Hmm. I've never brought toys to a sand pit. But we go to one that has some permanent toys in it. Therefore it's easy to tell the kids they have to share, since they aren't "theirs". Whenever we see kids at parks who have brought their own toys, we never assume we can play with them and wouldn't approach unless invited. Lots of times kids with bubbles or frisbees or balls are hoping kids will join them and it's clear. I guess if I did have my kids bring their own toys, and IF I expected them to share them, I'd make sure they were totally aware long before we got there that we were bringing toys for lots of kids to play with and preparing them so they were not surprised when they swoop in. NO, I would NEVER tell the kids to wait. I HATE directing other people's kids and only do it in extreme emergencies.

When my son was around that age (well, maybe younger), we went through something similar. I ended up either not bringing any toys or just one shovel and bucket so that if he is playing with it, it's clear that only HE is playing with it. That being said, I also told my son that if he is NOT playing with his bucket or shovel, the nice thing to do would be to share if anyone else wanted to play with it. I also pointed out to him the many times that other children shared their toys with him.

I agree that, in general, he needs to learn to share. On a macro level, being territorial about relatively minor things like sand toys is not a good way to go about making and keeping friends. But it's also not your (or his) responsibility to furnish sand toys for all the children in the park. Give him and yourself a break and just don't bring so many.

I think if you are bringing multiple toys to the playground, you should expect that other kids are going to want to play with them and you should expect that your son should share.
If you don't want that to happen, I would just bring ONE shovel and bucket.
If I were one of the other moms, I would certainly intervene if my child, were trying to take a toy right out of your child's hands.
But if your child had a bunch of other toys just sitting there, and you didn't want to share them with anyone....I would think that was odd.
It could be that the other children go to preschool or some other setting where it's sort of a free for all in terms of the kids all playing with the same toys. So if they see toys lying about, they expect to be able to play with them.
Good luck!

we don't take toys to the park... but bringing as many as you describe is an open invitation for other kids to come and play. i think the easiest solution would be to leave the toys at home - or at least limit him to only one, then there's no misunderstanding.

If he doesn't want to share sand toys, just take a small amount of toys and one shovel. If another child wanders over, you can nicely say, "I'm sorry, we didn't bring enough sand toys to share today, if you brought some toys from home you may bring yours over here and play with us." If you are bringing a lot of toys, that will be a huge draw to other kids and they will just assume you are bringing them to share with anyone, especially since so often kids can find community sand toys and other people's toys free and available to use on a regular basis. A little pre-park preparation talk would help too. Tell him if he wants other kids to join him in sand play, it helps to bring a bunch of toys and be willing to share them. Assure him he will get everything back before you leave. Then let him decide before you leave the house how much to bring and if he wants to bring enough to share, or not share.

I find the chair vs. toy argument to be a bit of a stretch & unrealistic.

You are bringing TOYS to a playground full of KIDS. While I don't think it's okay for kids to just "swoop in" & play with your son's toys, I think it's downright weird to bring extra toys, when your son clearly can't play with all 10 of them, and tell other kids they can't play with them. We bring toys sometimes & I would never dream of telling a kid they couldn't play with them, even if they didn't ask. As long as no one's trying to keep anything, I don't see it as something to get worked up over.

IMO, the lack of wanting to share or being encouraged to share is going to hinder him socially. If your child won't share, your child most likely will have no one to play with. I wouldn't want my child to have that reputation, personally.

Why even go to the park if your kid just wants play alone, with HIS toys, anyway? I never understood that. It reminds me of the parents that will not leave their kids alone & hover over them the whole time they are there, hindering their child's opportunity to play & socialize with other kids & learn on their own.

Coming from the opposite spectrum, it also sucks to have a really friendly only child who just wants one kid to play with, and she gets completely ignored by rude, socially immature children on a regular basis. I just tell her to move on to someone that is nice & actually wants to play with other kids, and she's fine, but it breaks my heart a little to see it.

IMO, your child is more than old enough to get it. Is he in preschool or any activity that teaches him to share & interact with others?

I agree with some other posters - when my kids were your son's age, I made a point of intervening when other kids would try & share toys without asking - I would simply tell other kids that my kid is young and not yet ready to share, so they can ask, but if he does not want to share, he does not have to. Occasionally, my kids did share, and sometimes not. When they were old enough, we practiced saying no in a polite way so that they'd have that skill, too. Sometimes, as Lucia B. pointed out, we brought extra stuff just in case, but this was not always possible, and I never felt responsible for other parents' choice to not bring toys for their kids to play with in places like sandboxes. Sometimes, I'd enourage my kids to offer toys to another kid who looked like he/she might be nice to play with. Also, if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd always tell my kids to ask before touching, take note of the other kids' reactions, and I would seek out the parent and check in to make sure it was ok. You know your son - just tactfully go with your gut! :-)

I think for a while you should only bring one bucket and shovel, he can continue sharing toys with his friends but not with strangers who swoop in and overwhelm him. Or bring a whole stack of paper cups and empty yogurt containers as toys rather than his favorites.

Kids this age are stilling learning about ownership, and in order to fully share something, they first need to possess. So it's completely understandable that he's upset when he sees some kid he doesn't know swoop in and use his toys before he even gets a chance to.

First thing I'd do is limit the toys--bring out only what he is going to play with, no extra. If a child tries to take it, have him use his words (and you may need to coach him or help him do this) to tell the other child "Stop/No I'm still playing with that." If the other child takes it away, intervene and say "Son, were you still playing with that?" If he says yes, or nods, say "Use your words to tell the other boy that." And you can also coach the other child to use his/her words as well (Did you want to play with the toy? Then you need to ask, and if he's stilll playing with it, you need to wait your turn." At this point, you can also offer to get another toy out of your bag/car.

We also work with our 3yo so that he knows that if he walks away from a toy, it's fair game. But if he doesn't want to another kid to play w/ it, then he needs to ask an adult to save the toy for him.

Maybe your son could select his favorite toys from the bag before they are unloaded into the sand? That way, he's had a chance to choose before others take everything.

It is good for children to learn to share, but they shouldn't have to give away everything right away. He could even choose his toys in the car. Once he's had a chance to play with his top choice toys for a while, you can discuss sharing them if another child is interested.

I remember age 3 and preschool. The teacher always said that at that age they do not really play together but more alongside one another. I think it is just something that comes in time. You are doing the right thing by encouraging him to play with others and share. Give him time and he will get 'there'.

Great sharing opportunities are when your son plays in a small group of friends. At a public space it is not necessary for him to feel comfortable sharing.

A friend once explained it to me this way. How would I feel if I sat on a public park bench, with several of my books beside me, and someone else picked one up and started reading it? OK, I might be thrilled (perhaps an extrovert) or not thrilled (hey, that's mine). Either way, sharing is an option, not a mandate in every situation.

I would model assertive behavior for him - practice with him saying - 'I am playing with that toy now' if he does not want strangers to come and take his things. If he wants to play - then you can practice saying - my name is X, would you like to play, I have some sand toys'. If he is looking to you for help, then you can say -' X is using that toy now, why don't you ask him if he wants to play with you?' to the other kid.

If I took a blanket, chairs and a cooler to the park, I would be a bit upset if some strangers just walked up, sat themselves down on my chair and helped themselves to my food. Since your son is three, he needs your help in modelling what he wants to say and how to say it. If he wants to 'share' (really take turns at that age) then help him express that. If it is you who wants him to 'share' then maybe you should bring toys that are not your son's or only bring one set of toys.

You teach your child by your speaking up too.
And to me, a child does NOT have to "share" their things. If they don't want to. And per age of the child, they don't have to share.
A child also needs to know their own cues. Their own, way of knowing if they are ready or not, to share or interact.
That is how a child gets to know themselves too and be self-reliant and self-aware. And you can role-play with him at home and "practice" scenarios and guide him on what he can say.... or not to other kids/people who are intruding on his space. That way, the child learns "skills" in interactions. Not just perfunctory "you should do this..." type of rote reactions.

My kids at 3 years old, they were "shy" too or didn't want to play with whomever was at the park. Fine. That is their preference. And the toys they brought to the park were "special." They didn't want other kids taking it or handling it. Fine. And I never made them socialize if they did not want to. But I taught them how to "read" other people and "discern" other kids and who may be nice or not. And they learned. Because I taught them... about social cues and how to trust... their own cues too.
Thus, my kids have good inner radars, about social situations and other people/kids. And they learned, that THEY have a "choice" about their things... and other kids and interacting.

Me: when my kids were younger, I spoke up, in front of them and to the other kids... if other kids were taking over the situation or taking their things. I did it, as a role model. For my kids. They learned that way and I would discus it with them and "why" I did or said what I did. That also then taught them, social skills in HOW to handle, things.

All kids, have their own pacing and personality. Which per my kids, I respect. They know they can play by themselves or with others, if they want or make other friends or not. It is not a "have to" thing.
And my kids are real socially, good at things. Now.
Even when my son was 3... he could self-manage because he was aware of himself.