My Daughter Doesn't Go to Her Related Services at School?

Great first question.

It is my understanding that kids should be involved in providing input into their IEP once they are old enough to understand. Even in 2nd grade, we ask my son's opinion on how his pull-out services are working.

At age 15, she should get a say in this.

This is a common issue. I have tutored many students for SAT prep who dropped off of their IEPs in high school against the wishes/advice of their parents, teachers and guidance counselors because the resource room is called "the retard room" by other kids (I hate writing that word but that's what the kids say).

If at all possible, I would have the IEP amended to include any important accommodations that really count such as extra time or a separate setting for standardized testing and would acknowledge that she's trying to manage without the other supports and those can be revisited as needed.

Then let her know that you are going to hold her to the same standards for conduct and academic performance that you would if she was receiving her services, whatever that would mean for her. For example, perhaps it's that she gets an 80 or better on all tests and quizzes, turns in 80% of her homework on-time and earns a B- or better in all classes. If she can't maintain those goals, the enforce agreed-upon consequences (no socializing for the weekend, a limit to extra-curriculars, etc.). If she can meet those goals without the supports, then great! If she really can't, then perhaps she'll reconsider availing herself of support outside of the school setting. There is a stigma and shame to SPED services for some kids, while things like "tutoring" and "therapy" are seen as OK.

I'm surprised, honestly, that it took you almost 2 years to get her to a counselor outside of school to figure out the problem, but it is what it is. I'm sure that in hindsight, you would have gone that route sooner.

You need to step back and step out of this and stop making it a power struggle. Sure it's obvious to us that these services are valuable and to her benefit but if she won't avail herself of the help, she'll have to learn the hard way. I posted a while back about frustrations I was having with my 16-year-old son, who is on an IEP (he actually doesn't mind going to the resource room) and has ADHD and basically refuses to participate in the self-care needed to manage his ADHD, which would help with his learning disabilities. Won't take medication, won't eat breakfast or a healthy lunch, is spotty with taking supplements, doesn't maintain an agenda or assignment notebook, etc. I said in the post that "failure wasn't an option" and was taken aback that several people responded that "sure it is" and that if his poor grades mean going to summer school or repeating a grade, then so be it. That was a shocking attitude to me but it was a helpful one too. They're still kids, and they're going to make poor choices, and they're going to make things harder for themselves than they need to. They might not graduate on-time, or might need a few years after high school to figure out their job, vocation or college path and really, that's not the end of the world.

If I were you, I would try for clean start with your daughter. Put the choice in her hands. Let her know that while you see the benefit of her services and hope she avails herself of them, that you obviously can't make her choose them and trust that she is capable of having a voice in this decision. Work *together* on her goals and get specific on what she needs to do to get there. Does she want to go to college? What kind of school? The college board website or any school's website will have an admissions profile. If she has an idea of some schools she'd be interested in, visit the admissions page together and look at the academic profile they're looking for so she knows realistically what it will take to get there. If college isn't realistic, is there a vocation she wants to pursue after high school? What kind of skills and training are required? How do those mesh with her interests and abilities?

With kids this age, it can help them to have a concrete picture of where they want to be after high school, what it takes to get there, and whether or not they're on track. If there is a gap between the track she's on the the one she needs to be on, she can be a part of the conversation about how she's going to close the gap.

Good luck as you deal with this - I know it's hard but at the end of the day, you can't make her want to receive the help that is being offered.

Why is she still getting those services? Seems to me her IEP should be amended to counseling when needed and be done with it. She hasn't had them since 8th grade and is still progressing so clearly they aren't needed!

This makes sense. She is a teenager and at this stage there is a strong innate drive for her to fit in and be like everyone else. These services remind her that she is different and probably make her feel like there is something wrong with her.

Even though this is a normal stage of development it can be frustrating as heck for parents. Have you tried focusing on her long term goals? What she wants to do after high school? Then maybe together you can figure out how she obtain these goals and if it involves all or some of the IEP support. At this point, she has to want it for herself and maybe a long term goal will help her take the steps to reach it.

Best of luck to you.

I would drop it.

Whatever consequences come from not having the IEP supports - they're on her (but I would NOT say this in a punitive way - just factual).

I'd also start talking about her plans when she leaves H.S. Are you willing to let her continue living at home? Are you expecting her to go on to college? Get a job? Move out?

Whatever those expectations are (and I'd discuss them with my husband first) I'd start laying the foundation now.

In other words she can't flunk out of school or not qualify for college and expect to sit at home and goof off.

I've got an almost 20-year old still living at home (no IEP - just some different life goals than most kids his age) but he works full time with overtime when it's available. And at some point in the next year or two he is planning to move out.

Good luck!

She's done. She's old enough to understand if she doesn't do these programs she will have these things the rest of her life. She is done. So even if she did go to earn some trivial thing she would likely not participate.

I'd say stop doing them. She's old enough to start driving in a year. She doesn't want special programs coming to her and making her stand out. She wants to be regular. I know and you know she stands out more by not having the services but she feels different and wants to stop. Let her stop.

First, I would ask all those who are looking through their rose colored glasses exactly HOW you are supposed to force a 15 year old to go to counseling. Sure, someone may be able to physically pick her up and deposit her in her chair, but NO ONE can make her think or participate. So, again, ask those people very pointedly, "just how do you suggest I "force" her?" Try to MAKE them give you an answer. After all, if you can FORCE your daughter to participate in these services, surely you can force an intelligent answer out of these folks! LOL!

I really don't know what else you can do other than to try to find examples of people with learning disabilities who have become very successful and to keep encouraging her. Other than that, it is her life and she will do with it what she wants. She WILL regret this later, but truly there is nothing you can do but encourage her.

Ah, so she quit services when she hit about 13/entered HS? That actually makes sense to me.

You might also talk to the school or guidance counselor to get information on what services other kids receive, like being pulled out for advanced math or reading. Just for your daughter's information, regardless of what she does next. My bet is that someone told her the derogatory information on IEPs and she, being 15, believes that more than she believes you.

I think that the bottom line is she's a teen, everything is black and white at that age, and her feelings have been hurt and she is embarrassed. So find out what you can do to move on from here. It may mean you and the staff let her choose to attend or not. I don't think that going to the classroom and fighting with her there is the next best step. I hope that if you treat her like her opinion counts, she might eventually work up to accepting the help offered.

I would also focus on long term goals - what does she want out of her life and will these services help her get there?

As for counseling, I would tell her she doesn't need to talk to the counselor, but you would appreciate if she would at least go sit in the office. This is her opportunity to speak her mind about her life. Or, you could consider this family counseling and even if SHE won't go, you can speak to someone about how to handle your own feelings, thoughts and fears.

Kids latch onto stupid things sometimes and it can be very detrimental to them. I have a young relative that was utterly convinced that not getting into a gifted program meant he was stupid so he gave up. Then he was diagnosed with ADHD but refused the medication that would help him. He's struggled so much as an adult and it breaks my heart, but there is only so much control you have over a defiant child.

So she's been told by someone that "retarded" kids go to special services. If she didn't get it from you or the staff, obviously she got it from somewhere - other kids probably. That's bullying, whether she sees it that way or not. She's been labeled, and she doesn't want to be. I completely understand her resistance.

Drop it in school but she needs to be required to do it outside school, most of all the counseling. She is two very short years away from graduating and without help she may not graduate -- and if she does graduate, what future lies ahead of that if she can't get into any form of additional education? What future lies ahead if she can't listen to and get along with a boss of any kind?

You will need to get some professional help to get her to do this outside school since she has refused otherwise. You may have to go to the extreme that some parents have, by taking away everything in her room and all electronics, etc., and having her earn them back one thing or privilege at a time by her attendance at counseling and/or therapy (I would work the counseling first and maybe drop the therapies until counseling gets her to a mental place where she can accept the therapy with some level of willingness).

But also consider making HER the one with control. She might respond even better (than taking stuff away) to the idea that she, not you, will be the boss of her own counseling schedule etc.

I would drop it for what little is left of the school year but use that time for YOU to get some very intensive help in setting up whatever needs to start as soon as school is out for the summer. Talk to a counselor yourself, one who deals with defiant teens, for a specific plan on how to handle this: Will she respond better to being given more responsibiliity? To having things taken away to be earned back? To being shown her future possibilities (very limited and frustrating ones) if she does not get her act together in the coming year and a half or so? A counselor could help you work on those options so you are ready to deal with which one to use when you sit down with your child to lay out how serious this is. The time really counts here. She will soon be 18 and you will be able to do nothing with her, nothing to help her. Get help for yourself first and now, this week, to start planning how to reach her.

And as for summer -- do not let her just sit around or hang with friends all day every day, or even most days. Oh, no. She needs structure and goals for the summer -- plus real rewards if she does X and Y toward those goals. Find out what she would value enough to work toward. Again -- you need to see someone professional ASAP to work on this and have a plan in place come June.

My 14 yo dtr has an IEP for Asperger's and ADD and has had it in place since 2nd grade. My 18 yo step dtr is retarded and has had an IEP in place since starting school at age 3. First of all, I would explain that some kids have learning disabilities and some have medical disabilities. Everyone is different and systems have been put in place for kids who need help in some areas. My 14 yo doesn't like to leave a class to go somewhere else. She said she feels like everyone "knows" where she is going and it makes her feel bad. So if she starts out in one class then has to get up to leave, it's simply embarrassing her, which is understandable. So I would see if she can just have her services outside of school. That's what my 18 yo does. She has speech, OT and PT once a week after school. Also, if she is doing ok with her grades then maybe it's ok if she doesn't go. Good luck.

Have you considered a section 504 plan with supports that way? The IEP isn't going to work if she just flat refuses, and you might have a conversation with the 504 coordinator at her high school, someone has that role, probably the school counselor.

Has she read the Divergent series? It's a movie now, but the whole series is about different ability groups, and learning to live together (short version) but I find that it's a good book to talk about differences, and in the last book, how we are alike. It might help her come to grips with being OK with LD, just another way to learn and be in the world.

my middle child has an IEP he is in 4th grade. He is taken out of the regular classroom the majority to go in the resource room. So far it there has been no issues with him.

I have some learning disablities and it was tough on me at school. I had teachers over the years tell me I was lazy, dumb, thought I was better then the other kids. In 8th grade I was embrassment to go into the resource room. Eventually I had to get to my classroom but the teacher often would humilate me. If I waited where I was suppposed to the main stream kids would make fun of me horrible. Is the possibly what your daughter is experiencing? I am sorry she has to deal with this.

are her 'related services' due to some sort of defiance/oppositional disorder? because she sounds like a girl who needs much better boundaries and consequences.
i don't think 'retarded' is in and of itself an offensive word, the way 'retard' is when used pejoratively. but guess what? she's learned how to use it offensively from you, since you equate being retarded with being 'dumb.'
geez.
i wish i had some useful advice. i don't know what i'd do with a 10th grader, since i would never have tolerated this degree of blatant disregard and rudeness at any point prior to this. she sounds pretty unpleasant all round.
khairete
S.