Advice for Leaving Baby with Grandparents

Hi M.,
You know, I didn't leave my first daughter with her grandmother until she was 3 years old. It's not that you're an "agist". You have to be comfortable knowing that she's comfortable sleeping away from home. Once you realize that she's comfortable, then you'll be okay.

~M

I didn't leave my son with my in-laws until he was almost 3. Both my inlaws are in their late 50's. My MIL tires pretty fast running around after my now 5yr old son and she starts getting cranky with him. My father in law tends to have a little more patience and energy with him, but he travels a lot so he isn't always around.
I am also trying to get my MIL off my back about taking my son on a getaway without me. NO WAY!

I can relate! My mother in law is also very pushy and invasive. I think she often means well, but the pushiness really frustrates me because nothing would ever seem to be good enough...though I must say she has gotten SOOOOOO much better. We've gone from comments like "will it be years before I see my grandson again" when she literally had seen him less than twelve hours before and literally looking into our windows to spy on us several times a week (they lived 1.5 miles away only) before ringing the doorbell on an unexpected visit to how she is now which is coming over weekly on terms that we agree on. (My kids are now 3 and 20 months, so it's taken a while, but HUGE improvement!!) It's still frustrating because she is the queen of guilt trips, but I've been very firm, my husband has supported me and told her straight out not to push me and that what I want in my house is what will happen (as she also tried to decorate each room of my house for me and the outside in her style...not at all mine along with wanting to take the kids whenever regardless of their eating or nap times). She hasn't pushed for an overnight (thankfully), but ALL the time wants to bring them on outings. I'm not the most comfortable with it since she is not very good with watching (We'll go out together sometimes and she won't pay attention to who is where) and I'm not very protective, but she makes me appear very protective by how lax she is. I've just been firm with this is what will happen, and she has come around to the realization I think that we need our space and I do things for a reason...for the benefit of everybody involved. I think things through a lot more than she, whereas her personality is fly by the seat of her pants. I invite her weekly and she is very happy and thankful we do now, whereas before, NOTHING was ever good enough....evidenced by the comments like the one I wrote first or the complaining about holidays not being with them, so for the first 3 years straight we did EVERY holiday with them and not my family because every holiday was a guilt trip that we should spend it with them until I was done with the guilt trips and said forget it, this is what we are doing, half and half and if they complain I remind them that it is even now and for those 3 years they had EVERY holiday. I think pushy parents sometimes unconciously know that they'll get what they want if they keep pushing so they get obnoxiously pushy without necessarily realizing it. When you stand firm and remind them of all the things they are able to do with the grandkids and such, they get less pushy and rude and more appreciative. Unfortunately it can take a long time for them to realize it. But maybe if your husband told them that you guys just aren't ready for her to be overnight somewhere else unnecessarily, but we'd love for you to watch her again for a couple hours while we are out...something like that...maybe they'll begin to appreciate their time with her more and not be so pushy. Also, at 10 months, it's so involved to have her overnight somewhere else between the pack n play, sleeping routines, etc. At 10 months, she's very aware when things are not the norm and why make her uncomfortable unnecessarily. I think the parents, having been so long since having kids, just don't realize how hard it is on the child either. Best wishes to you in handling the continual balancing act!!

My 2 youngest have never spent the night at someone elses house. My oldest did not either, until he was at least 5. I just didn't feel comfortable before then. We did have my parents spend the night at our house with the kids while we went out. My parents are pretty young (in their 50's), but we know our kids are comfortable in their surroundings, and I just feel better waiting until they are a bit older before they spend the night somewhere. If you don't feel comfortable, don't allow it. It is your child, and you are doing what you feel works best for you.

It sounds like they are being very pushy and you have them very involved right now. I would just tell them that you value her relationship with them, but you are not comfortable letting her stay anywhere overnight and you hope they understand that this your and your husbands decision. Sounds like they aren't really listening to your answers and may hope to wear you down. I don't think you're being agist, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving either of my children overnight at that age either, I think everyone has to decide what's best for their child.

My in-laws were the same way
They didn't like it but our kids had no reason to sleep anywhere other then at home so that is where they slept they could always go and spend the day but until they were much older and wanted to sleep over at their house we had our children sleep at home. We had to be very blunt about it and they didn't like it but they got use to it and stopped asking. Stay firm but nice about it and maybe when they ask again tell them you are not comfortable leaving her anywhere yet it is not personal it is just how it is going to be for now until your child is older.

I agree with Linda who said you should evaluate the reason you are saying no to the overnight. It sounds like your daughter sees them quite a bit, so they will be familiar to her, and she won't wonder who you left her with! It is hard to leave a child for the first time overnight. I admit that the first time I left her at our house overnight with someone was really hard, plus I was nursing, so tha was difficult. Would you consider letting them stay with her at your house while you and your hubby went out? When I left my baby at her gp's house overnight the first time, it was because my husband and I had the flu and didn't want her to get it (she didn't). If you are truly concerned about your baby's safety, then pass on the visit, but I am sure they would be thrilled at the visit and take great care of her. Of course, no one can force it if you just aren't ready... Sorry that was so long-winded!
E.

M.-

Please, do not feel guilty for not letting her spend the night there (or anywhere else). I have 2 children and the only time I left them overnight is when I gave birth and had to stay in the hospital.

You do not need a reason to say no. It is completely up to you and yor husband. You are the parents and are able to make decisions concerning your child. If you are not comfortable, just tell them that you are not ready to leave your daughter, but you appreciate their willingness and will ask for help when you are ready. Hopefully, they will back off a little. If not, then your husband should be firm and tell them that it is not a possibility right now. Thank them for watching her during the day and tell them you hope it continue that way.

You can still enjoy time with your husband without leaving her overnight. Good luck.

We had a vey similiar situation with our first. I always just told them that I was not ready to be seperated from my daughter for the whole night, and I did not think she would be to happy if she woke up and her M. was not around. Tell them they can have her for a couple of hours, but overnights visits will have to wait a couple of years.

I have mixed feelings about this. I don't often let my inlaws keep our babies overnight. Really the only time we did was when I was in the hospital having my son my Mother in law stayed with my daughter at our house. On the flip side, if it were my Mother, I'd have no problem what so ever. The unfortunate thing for that is that my parents are in Florida so it's a non issue. Your inlaws are up there in age and that's a huge consideration. Playing devils advocate though, they ARE up there in age and really how much longer will they have the opportunity to have their grand daughter over for a sleep over? I think you need to decide if they are active, energetic and totally "with it" at their age or are they ill, slow, forgetful? If they are the latter then no question I would NOT leave your daughter with them overnight. If they are the former, maybe it wouldn't be such a horrible thing for one night? You could make yourself feel better about it by going to their house beforehand and baby proofing their outlets and cabinets or even better, you and your husband could take this opportunity to spend the night out at a nice local B&B or hotel for one night and ask that they stay overnight at your house with the baby? Bottom line, if you absolutely can not imagine leaving your daughter in their care overnight then your doing everything you can. But they are your husbands parents and your daughter's grandparents so you'll need to find a dipolomatic way to tell them your not ready for your daughter to stay overnight somewhere other then at home with you. And if I were you, I'd leave that discussion to your husband. Good luck, you do have a tough decision to make.

I don't think you're being "ageist" at all! This is your child, your ultimate responsibility and if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. Follow your gut instinct!

I've happily given our daughter up for overnights since she was 6 months old, so I have a slightly different perspective. However, both my parents and in-laws are in their late 50's--so it's a much different situtation.

I don't think you are being "agist", but I think you should consider it if they keep asking. Sounds like they are pretty good minds still? I can totally understand the conflict. I don't think they are being pushy (they come from a very different generation than we do!), I think they are probably trying to help.

If you ultimately decide you really don't want to do it, I'd have your husband speak up.

:-) I'm still that way and my girls are 13 and 15! LOL. I can understand your hesitation and I think you just need to be honest with your inlaws and let them know you're not ready. I'm sure they're just wanting to offer you and hubby some time alone.

Just let them know that when you ARE ready you'll let them know and take them up on their offer.

A.
http://www.kidspartybusiness.com

I have a 2 y.o son and a 3 month old daughter. I haven't left either of them overnight with grandparents. When I was in the hospital having my daughter, my parents and my husband were at my house with my son during the night. My parents took care of him by themselves during the day so my husband could be at the hospital with me and the new baby. My ILs are raising my SIL's child, so they have a child the same age as my son who lives with them. I still am not comfortable leaving my son with them overnight. When they ask (both my parents and my ILs have asked for overnight visits), I say "Oh, I won't be letting him stay overnight for a few more years". Go with your instincts. Although your ILs probably mean well, I would also be frustrated if someone kept asking. I think it's best to be straight forward with them and answer something like "She's much too young for overnights. We'll let you know when we think she's ready." Or something like that to let them know it won't be anytime soon.

M.,

We have let my son spend the night at my mom's (she just turned 53) house since very early on (after he passed the colic stage, lol). My mom has a crib and a bedroom for him and was preparing her house as I was still pregnant. We went away to Vegas when he was about 9-10 months old and he stayed with her. At this point, my mom takes Jacob (2 years old) once a month over-night. She picks him up from daycare and takes him there the next morning. I swear, it seems she lives for this time with her grandson....AND it's nice for my hubby and I to have a night together alone. I have absolutley no reservations when Jacob is with my mom. I miss him, but I'm totally confident and comfortable with the situation.

Then, there's my inlaws...they live in the area and Jacob has only been to their house 3 times - and we were with him every time. He won't ever spend the night or even be there alone as far as I can see it. I know that sounds mean, but it's my gut instinct with them. They have 2 dogs and one with a bite history (bitten at least 3 people). Yet, they argue about putting the dogs away if we come over for a visit. I'm not a dog-a-phobe, either. We have two German Shepherds and my mom has 2 Great Danes (well, she had to put one down last month).

As a last resort, I will ask them to babysit our son. I simply do not trust their judgements with regard to him. I'm 100 times more comfortable leaving him with my 15 year old sister than them. I won't go into the reasons why (there are a lot), but the bottom line is that I'm not comfortable with it. Enough said. If that's how you feel about your inlaws (for whatever reason), then you are entitled to feel that way.

In my opinion, you have a pretty easy out with them as you can say that you aren't comfortable with your little girl being over night yet. If you were letting your daughter spend the night elsewhere, that would be harder to explain why there and not with them - you know? Have you talked to your husband about it? What does he think? Does he agree with you? If you are in agreement, maybe he can say something to them, or you can both voice it together? Just an idea. I don't think your IL's are trying to do anything except give you a free night to spend with your husband, and that's sweet. But, if you aren't comfortable with it, that's 100% fine.

Good luck,

T.

Hi!
I think you need to evaluate why you don't want to leave her there overnight. If you don't believe she will be well taken care of--then go with your instinct, but if they watch her during the day for 6 hours that may be even more time than she'll be awake at an overnight!

We started leaving my son when he was about 5 months old and he has slept over at my parents and in-laws numerous times(he is 18 months now). At first I was a little nervous(and still am sometimes), but it gives me the much needed "break" I need from him and time with my husband!! Many times it is the parents who can't let go and not the child not being ready. It is also a good idea to have a place he is familiar with to go to overnight just in case of an emergency. I am having a baby in October and and am happy my son will have grandma's house to sleep at where I don't have to worry and he'll feel right at "home".

Go with your gut on the real reason you don't want to let her sleep over!
L.

You have to do what you are comfortable with, but please step back and evaluate the situation before you decide. Can your inlaws keep up with your daughter? If they can do six hours and your daughter sleeps through the night, it may not be a big adjustment. You could gradually work up to it. I believe there are many situations where the parents say "my child isn't ready for it", but really, the parents are the ones with the issue. A day may well come that you have no choice but to leave your child overnight. It might be better that the first time be on your own terms.

That being said, we have a mixed situation with my child. We have left my 14 month old daughter with my parents on overnights since she was 5 or 6 months old. She already had a crib there and was familiar with them taking care of her at night because she and I spend the night there when my husband is swamped with work or out of town. We left her there for 3 nights in a row when my husband and I went to Las Vegas for a friend's wedding (she was 10 months). My parents are in their late 40's and have a 9 year old son, and mom's a pediatric nurse, so we have no reservations at all. We have not, however, left my daughter overnight with my inlaws. Mostly, this is due to them living on the East coast, but we're just not comfortable with it yet. They are fairly young, but it has been 20-something years since they've taken care of a young child for more than a few hours. They seem baffled by her every time they see her, and though his mom tells us we should come see them and leave our kid, we still won't do it. She needs to be able to communicate her needs to them before she can stay overnight. When my MIL brings it up, we just tell her eventually it will happen. I'm more likely to let them do it if they come visit here, at our home.

My parents too are in there early 80's. Eighty is not that old anymore especially if they are in good health. Perhaps they are trying to give you and your husband a night to yourselves.