I know I am late, but I'll just make it to the 100:)Gosh, I wish we had grandparents that would offer.What a gift.
My mother-in-law is pushing me to allow my 4 1/2 month old to have a sleep over at her house. I work FT & I am nursing and really do not want to be away from my baby any more than I already am. My husband has made it known that he does not care if she keeps our baby so its my call - then he jokingly accuses me of being over protective. Our nephew (who is 6 months older than our son) stays all night with g'ma & g'pa almost every weekend & has since he was 2 months old. However, g'ma also let our nephew sleep in her bed with her all night - which I totally do not agree with. I need advice on how to deal with this. Am I being too overbearing? When will I know that I am ready for this next step? Please advise!
I know I am late, but I'll just make it to the 100:)Gosh, I wish we had grandparents that would offer.What a gift.
I was in the same boat. My son didn't stay over at his grandparents until he was 7 months old and that was only because I am pregnant again and needed a full nights sleep! When you do you need to explain to her what you want to happen and if that doesn't happen then you shouldn't let him spend the night. She needs to respect you. Also they aren't going to do everything the same way as you... it will annoy you but you are the mom and sometimes moms are the only people who do things right!!! ;)
I agree with some of the other mom's. I did not let my son spend the night at my in0laws until he was almost 2. MThe funny thing was that my mother in law kept his first year of life. He did not spend the night at my mom's until he was almost 3. The thing know is he will not stay anywhere now He is 5 so do it when you feel ready. If you do it to soon you will not be able to relax. So he might as well be home with you.
i know you have worked it out but for a topic that gets this much attention, i need to join:)
my daughter is 4 1/2 months and nurses as well. first of all, you nurse. i cant imagine not being there for her to go to sleep, if she wakes at night, or in the morning to nurse her. for you to work full time, i assume you pump or supplement, but if your baby is away from you for that long, its going to be very uncomfortable for you phsically. also, since you do not nurse exclusively, you wouldnt want to confuse your baby or your body and jeopardize your milk supply.
what is up with grandma needing the baby to SLEEP there. its not like the baby is going to have some rememberance of a special night over at grandmas baking cookies or something- hes 4 months old. you already allow them to babysit him, so he has plenty of time to bond. i just dont get the need to SLEEP over. as for the bed, we personally have our daughter sleep with us in a cosleeper, however i would never feel comfortable with her sleeping in the bed with others, god forbid something happen.
i dont know if your husband or your mil understands this, but its normal for a baby to want his MOTHER at night. my mil will be holding the baby, and she starts to cry, so she asks if shes hungry or something. i know she isnt, its just sometimes she wants mommy. i take her and she immediately stops crying. its not saying she doesnt enjoy being with grandma, but babies know their mommy. i cant imagine if she woke up upset and i wasnt there to comfort her. why on earth should you put your feelings and your sons comfort aside to please someone else? and as it is with working full time, cant she understand that between work and sleep, you dont get alot of special time yourself?
ok, now i hope you read this because its the most important advice i can tell you. stand your ground because this is all a test even if its not intentional. after we had our baby, there were issues about not watching the baby(we didnt have anyone babysit till 9 months old so your mil should feel lucky), about stopping over all times to see baby unannounced, about demanding us to be in uncomfortable situations to please them. my husband and i would discuss something and make a decision, and if she didnt like it, as soon as i left the room she would try to change my husbands mind or make him feel bad, but not in a mean way. it took years for my husband to understand he needs to be the one to tell her anything. she still thinks its all me, but at least she gives less resistance since he is the one delivering the message. make sure your husband is behind you, and is the one telling her no. even if he doesnt agree with you, in front of his mom, he should be on your side and you can discuss it later when she is gone. having a baby changes everyone's dynamics and right now she is testing the waters to see how deep she can get.
secondly, my sil lives differently than we do and depends on her parents a great deal. they watch the children all the time. since they were her first grandchildren, my mil bases them as what she thinks it shoudl be like. i believe you are in the same boat. she has the experience with your nephew so she is trying to get the same from you. honestly, i wonder why she watches the other grandchild that much. please advise your husband that situation is not the norm, as he also may be basing what a grandmother does on what he sees from the nephew. she is trying to replicate her relationship with your son. my mil did that for a long time, but we stood our ground. and the result, when around my sil and her kids, the kids will go to grandma to ask for something, even after mom said no. and grandma is always giving her opinion on how my sil should be handling something, its a complete power struggle. this leaves the children confused on who is really the boss. when im with my mil, my daughter comes to ME to ask for cookies. thats the way it should be. she raised her kids, now its my turn.
whatever you do now, is starting groundwork for your future. your mil is unintentionally testing the waters to find out what type of mother you are going to be, and how influencial she can be to you. just get your husband behind you, make decisions, and stick with them. the first year was a little tough getting my mil and us all on the same page. just remember, you are the mama, your baby wants to be with YOU more than anyone else. thats a wonderful thing, and we should enjoy that as it wont last that long. and never ever compare yourself or your child with your nephew. you have 2 different sets of parents, and each of you will decide on things for your sons. you dont have to do anything just because they do.
you ask when you will know you are ready, it will be when you dont have any hesistation and actually think its a great idea, arent nursing, and think your child is ready. good luck, tell your hubby how we all are behind you and he better be too!
I like alot of these just saw this today, but have to respond. #1 this is YOUR baby, your rules. Grandma will just have to accept it. I'm a grandma of one 3 year old. I had three babies, nursed them all, no way would I send them off if I or they weren't ready. As they grew, only one of the three ever stayed away from home at my parents or anyone elses houses. You'll know when its time. I do have my grandson every weekend. My daughter works nights, and I love having him. It works for us, all of us. I love having him. If when my sons have children, they know I"m here to watch their children whenever they want me to, I would never consider pushing myself on them though, that wouldn't make for a good relationship. So stick to your guns. You'll know when you're ready, and if you never are, thats your right as a mother. I can honestly say, there is no way on this planet, my MIL would ever have been alowed to watch any of my kids, at any age. You know whats best, stick with it. Good luck:)Sue
As difficult as it may seem, it shouldn't be. I have a 2-1/2 year old and rarely spend the night with either set of grandparents. At first I felt the same way. I nursed until she was 11 months old and I really enjoyed bonding with her. I also work from home so she was with me all day and night. I had a difficult time with separation anxiety...me leaving her. I guess every mother feels that way. The first time I left her with my MIL, she was 3-1/2 months old and it was a terrifying experience for me because I simply wasn't ready, but the next morning, I felt relieved. She was well cared for and I really didn't have much to worry about. On the flip side, I felt bad, because my father commented on how I haven't left her with them. If you know you can trust your parents as well as his, allow them to have an overnighter on occasion with them. It also gives you a little break.
As I mentioned, she rarely spends the night now, with either set of grandparents, because my mother has been battling cancer for 4-1/2 years and has had surgery this year and still recovering. My elderly Father-in-law had a major surgery last January '07 and has been in the hospital ever since, with one complication after another. I wish that my mother can take her more often and the same with my Mother-in-Law who has been spending all her days at the hospital. I know every person's situation is differant, but its nice to know that your child will be safe with your own parents and In-laws. It's less frightening than to leave them with other family members or friends.
I agree that you are the parent and you are not ready. You'll know when,...but in the mean time, consider giving yourself a little break at the same time. It may help you see things in another perspective.
Best of luck to you!
I have dealt with this with my mother-in-law. (except she respected the nursing bond) I stood my ground and my daughter didn't spend the night with her until I was ready. And that was when she was 3 years old, I had a newborn, and my husband was out of town on business. Then I was ready!
It's fine that your husband says it's your decision. But HE needs to be the one to lay down the law (if necessary) with his mother. Dr. Phil says each spouse should deal with their own parents when there are issues. I think that's great advice and we follow it.
You've got the perfect excuse! You're nursing. Remind her that with you working, you need all the time you have to let her breastfeed so it doesn't hurt your milk supply, which there is truth to.
I would agree with you, 4 months is a bit young for a night away. My daughter was 9 months before I even left her with my parents for 2 hours.
If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. My sons are (almost)3 and 9 months and the 9 month old hasn't even been to my in-laws house. My older son has only been there like 3 times and NEVER alone. I trust them enough, but they have dogs (one who has bitten) and aren't very considerate about them. So, if they want to see their grandsons, they come to our house or we meet for lunch/dinner. (Note: we have dogs, too and so does my mom)
My older son spent the night with my mom when he was about 6 months - maybe younger. We went away to Vegas for a long weekend when he was 8 months or so and he stayed with my mom.
It's all about what YOU are comfortable with. I don't know the relationship with your in-laws and how you feel about their relationship with your child. I've made my feelings clear with my husband and he is supportive of what I feel. If it came down to it, I would stand my ground alone. I'm their Mom and I'm not going to go against my "gut" feelings.
Serioulsy, you are not being over-protective. You are a first time Mom to a 4 1/2 month old that is still nursing. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have him/her away from you over night.
All I have to say is NO WAY. Especially when I was nuring. I can't get enough of my 17 month old son and would never let him sleep over at g'mas when he was only months old. Not even now without us. I know I am a first time mom too and overprotective but I never would... yet.
Like a lot of the moms that replied, I haven't even let my mom keep my daughter over night yet. I'm due with baby #2 in September and know my daughter may have to stay with them overnight and we need to do a practice run soon.... She just weened herself a few weeks ago, now 15 months, so I don't have any other excuse than "she is my baby and I probably wouldn't sleep well knowing she is somewhere else. I'm lucky enough to have a mother-in-law that respects my choices as a mother, but my father-in-law is another story and I just tell him no and then make my husband inforce my wishes (like no, a baby shouldn't be drinking SODA!!!) Good luck and enjoy your cuddly 4 1/2 month old!!
I remember how it was when I was a first time mom. I know how it feels to be away from your baby for any amount of time but I think you need to also think about what your mother-in-law is feeling as well. This is her grandchild and I am sure she loves your son as much as you do. If you were to put yourself in her shoes...think about when your son has a child of his own and you want him/her to spend the night...you might understand how she feels :) A baby is very precious and I am sure she will take very good care of him while he is with her. If you feel there is a safety or health issue to worry about then you have every right to deny these visits...but if you are just having seperation anxiety...I would rethink not allowing her these visits. They don't have to be that often...maybe one night a month. Hope this helps. :)
Babies need routine and stability at your baby's age. Go with your instinct and wait on the sleep overs.
Best of luck
4 1/2 mo is WAY too soon to be having an overnight at someone else's house--even g'ma!!!! My mom and I are intensely close and I trust her entirely with my 7mo old and even she wouldn't suggest that! The great thing about breast feeding (or I should say, ONE of the great things..) is that you have a valid excuse to say no to things like that. Your mom-in-law is being pushy. My MIL wouldn't suggest such a thing--she's pretty exceptionally great though. The point of all this is: you are not over protective or weird. You are normal! I would think that your MIL would be more understanding with your being a first time mom. Just remind her how she was with her first and tell her that you need the extra time before doing things like that since this is your first. If someone doesn't like it or understand, too bad! Every first time mom has the right to be anxious, over protective and crazy no matter how many seasoned moms they are surrounded by! BTW, why would she WANT to have your infant overnight already? That sounds kind of weird to me. And the idea of letting someone else sleep with your infant SHOULD make you nervous. If and when you let this happen, it must be under your conditions and you must feel confident that those conditions will be respected. Even if you trust you MIL totally, it's normal to be freaked out by that. And she should understand that. Personally, unless we are going out of town for a weekend or something, I wouldn't have my baby stay overnight until she is a toddler. All in all, I'm hearing unhealthy manipulation here to do something that is questionable to begin with. Fishy... Stick to your protective mama guns!!
God bless you!
I, too, am a fulltime + working mom, and I know how hard it is to try to find that ever elusive "balance." I am pretty convinced it's a myth, like the fountain of youth!
While I agree that mommy and daddy need to keep up their own relationship, I don't think that you're being overbearing at all. As a nursing mom myself, there would be no way I would have let my daughter spend the night away from me, let alone at that age.I also made it known early on while I was sitll pregnant to those friends without children that were already "pushing me" to set dates without my child that it was unlikely they would see me frequently without her, especially during my busy season, as I would have precious little time with her as it was.
It sounds like the first person you need to talk with is your husband. The two of you need to present a united front on this and he needs to understand you're not being over protective. Maybe if you could calmly state that his jokes are hurtful to you and add undue pressue,and why you don't see the need for this to happen yet, he'll get it.
But, if not, you need to be able to stand up and say, again calmly, I don't see the need to spend the night away from my baby. I likely won't for quite some time. I see her/him very little during the week and this time is precious to me. Also, I am nursing and it is very important for her/him to take milk form me as often as s/he can while we are together so I can continue to nurse and not let my supply drop. They don't need to agree with what you say. This is just the first of many times people will try and tell you what they think is best for you and the baby and what it will"make" either of you if you don't comply with what they say, i.e. "spoiled, over-bearing, etc."
When you DO feel ready for baby to spend the night somehwere, you can easily establish ground rules on what your child can do, what they can eat and absoutely, where they can sleep.
In the meantime, maybe gan and gramps can visit more often or sit for a short time while you and hubby go out to a movie so they don't feel left out. :-)
first as newly weds, and even later, when something like this comes up you and your husband should look into the mirror, refleck on the request then answer yourselves. Then discuss it. In this case both of you would have agreed that since you are nursing the answer is no. second, daddy is a cop out, it is his mother and he should say no, my wife is nursing.
If Daddy is copping out now, he propbably will cop out on other things.
Also let me say that you are setting a precedent with your husband and if you allow him to get away with it remember you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.
Follow your gut feeling. I didn't even let my OWN mother keep my first baby until he was ONE year old. When he was one, I was ready to quit nursing and thought that him staying with Grandma would be an OK way to stop. Mistake!! I suffered with engorged breasts and he sat in Grandma's lap looking at a picture of me . . . and finally reached over and yanked the bottle out of Grandma's hand and stuck it in his mouth. With Baby #2, I let the baby decide when to wean. She weaned herself at age 2. I had 2 more children (who weaned at age 3) and my mom and dad were always GREAT about coming to our house and staying with the kids if I ever wanted to take a trip with hubby. But it was always AFTER I was done nursing the youngest child.
I think you are making the right choice. I nursed and worked full-time and it was hard for me to occasionally pump an extra bottle just for my husband and I to go out to dinner. There is no way I could have pumped enough extra for a whole night. For us the Grandparents aren't local so we would go visit and we would all stay the night so I was always there to nurse.
I want to say you should make your husband tell his mother "No", but it sounds like he is going to make you do it. I know that is difficult, but stick to your guns. Also, your mother-in-law may just be trying to help, so explain to her that you appreciate the offer and although you would love to take her up on it, it is just too hard while you are nursing. If you feel comfortable with it, tell her she can be the first sleep over for your baby once you are done nursing and when proper sleeping arrangements can be made for the baby.
On the topic of sleeping arrangements, if you aren't comfortable with your baby sleeping in bed with Grandma, stick to your guns there as well. Both my and my husband's parent have cribs at their homes (they both got the cribs cheap at a garage sale and then bought new matresses). We recently went to visit my in-laws place in Florida where there was no crib and my in-laws offered to take down a toddler bed (they drive down in a conversion van) but not the crib. My husband thought that would be fine, but I didn't think my daughter was ready for a toddler bed, she hates sleeping in a pack 'n play and I didn't want her in bed with us all night for a week. So I found a place that rents cribs and I rented one. They set the crib up the first morning and came and took it down the last morning. My husband called me crazy and I am sure my in-laws agreed, but we all slept comfortably in our own beds and I wasn't up all night with a screaming child that doesn't sleep in her pack 'n play or worried about her falling out of a toddler bed or my husband or I rolling over on her as all 3 of us tried to fit in a full size bed. Best of all, there was no fight to sleep in Mom and Dad's bed when we got back home.
Sometimes you have to be a stubborn mom.
You'll know when you are ready. My brother & sis-in-law left their daughter at my parents when she was just six weeks old. I didn't allow my daughter to sleep overnight at my parents until she was 3. I don't think he was wrong and I don't think I was wrong. Everyone has different comfort levels - go with your instincts.
Best of luck!!!
I haven't seen your message and I know that you're already discussed it with your husband, but I had to say something...I agreee with many of the responses that the grandparents haveto respect how you feel and having their grandkids sleep with them is a big no-no. That is not right and my in law don't even do that and haven't had our boys over night in a long time. It happend twice and now they are 3 1/2 and almost 2 1/2. One of them was because my husband and I were going somwhere early the next morning about 4AM and the next time was to give us a small break and we were staying in the same house, but it was like a bed and breakfast thing for us in their home. It was nice, but very hard both times. My baby who is 8 mos haven't slept over and there is no need to and I don't feel that he's ready. His personality is very different from the other ones. Also, I TOTALLY DISAGREE with one of the responses that you should give the grandparents the time with them and that you need to get over yourself. No, you're doing what you feel and when you're ready, you're ready. Giving the grandparents time with their grandchildren doesn't mean overnight. It could be during the day at their house, your house, park, whatever. Overnight is not the answer.
Anyways, you do what you feel since you are the baby's advocate, protector, the voice....etc. You were given the Gift with God trusting you to care and nurture and raise the baby the way He intended for you to raise her, in the way of the Lord. I am PROUD of you standing on your feet and I am proud of your husband for listening and accepting your feelings....go for it, Momma!!! I'll pray for you and your family for peace and protection...AMEN!
This response is more a response to all the other answers you had. One thing we young mothers should never forget is, that most likely these older parents (because that's what they probably feel like) have gone through it and want to help. If you don't need that help right then, tell them, but it is nice to know that someone is out there to help in an instant.
I had a special experience when I was expecting my first child. Because of insurance reasons I had to move back to my home country after the eight month and come back when my son was only one moth old. That meant two 13-hour transatalantic flights, one being pregnant, one with a one month old baby. My mother-in-law came to pick me up, and my husband came for two months and we all flew back to the US together.
I know one thing, she was an enormous help to me. Her exerience help quiet my nerves that everything will turn out as planed. Baby coming on due date and no complications...
I lived at her house and would have trusted her to take good care of my son, which she did. I don't even remember when exactely my children first slept over at her house. It was no dramatic experience, just something we all were ready for.
With my sister-in-law she did much more and her children sleep at her house often. Her first son was very complicated. If my mother-in-law would not have taken him regualrly her and her husbands sleep and life would have been unbearable.I spent one summer there and that child was unbelievable, even able to push my mother-in-law to her limit. Definitely good that more than just two people were able to handle him.
I wish you good luck and don't forget whatever they over has to be helpful to you and/or to the child.
I have two children: 12 and 10 years old. I am a stay-at-home mom, living away from my extended family and sleep-overs later with friends saved my husband and me from never going out with each other,
I allow my parents to keep my 4 month son (in fact he's over there now so I can get some rest and recover from a sinus infection), but our situation is a bit different, other than the fact that I'm not nursing. My parents follow our requests to the letter, and the first few weeks after the hospital we had to live with my parents (because of an incident that did not make our apartment suitable for living, especially for a newborn - what a way to come home lol) - so their house is already like a second home to him. My parents have everything but clothes, and when they do take him they offer to do his laundry. They even pick him up and bring him back to us.
My MIL, however, has only got to spend a few hours with him in our presence. She only comes to visit him when her husband wants to bring her up (even though she has a functioning car and is able to drive and we're only 30 minutes away) and he really wants nothing to do with our son (I can understand the pain he's going though, as he has 2 granddaughters, one of which is turning 2 and has never seen). The toys she gives him are just not safe and gets offended when we don't offer them to him (easily removable bows and glass eyes are not appropriate for a baby chewing on everything). She and her husband smoke, and even though they do not smoke when he's around, I do not trust them to not smoke when we're not around - I've known too many smokers, and I've seen enough of her husband's attitude to know the "no smoking rule" is not going to fly with him for more than a few hours. Plus a comment she made on a website we had set up to share photos of our son ("I'm looking forward to lots of special times with you, especially when Mommy and Daddy aren't looking!!") kinda creeped me out and just doesn't help her chances of getting him even during the day.
Yes, my MIL may think its not fair, but the safety of my child is more important than her feelings, especially when she is not willing to change. Be fair to your child, as he is your numero uno, not your MIL.
4 1/2 months is very young and if you are breastfeeding then I don't see how it works at all. I don't really see why a child needs to sleep over at all until they actually want to themselves. I would talk to your husband and say that as you work full time, you really want to spend time with the baby and that you would appreciate some more support from him. What other people do is their business but you are nursing your baby and want to have the baby at home at the moment.
1) If she would do something that you feel strongly against re: co-sleeping, then what will she do in the future! You need to (politely) stand your ground now.
2) You are fully in the right to not want to lose time with your child. These moments are precious, and believe me I know, you don't see enough of your children when you are working.
3) Forget sibling rivalry. So when your nephew is 2 and your mother-in-law gives him soda you will let her give it to your son? Stay up late? Have dessert before dinner? Believe me, grandma's have a way of trying to win over their hearts with spoiling them and breaking all the rules. There have to be a few that are followed no matter what, like eating (and sleeping) healthy and what you want your child exposed to. As you will discover, each child is different and needs to be raised differently. Perhaps you should remind your mother-in-law that. I'm sure she is different with each of her kids, and she should be different with each of her grandkids.
4) Your husband needs to back you up. You need to make parenting decisions as a team. Otherwise your husband will always tell your child "go ask your mom" and then you will always be the bad guy. You guys should sit down and discuss these things, so you both feel the same way, then you can approach your M-I-L as a team and she should take you more seriously if her son feels the same way.
5) LAST BUT MOST IMPORTANT! You need those nighttime feedings to keep your milk supply up, especially if you work full time. Your baby needs those feedings right now, not only for the breast milk but to feel close to you. Everytime I was gone a lot, I'd be up all night with my kids, they still need to get that attention from you, and he'll do it when you are around, even if it is at night. Those night time feedings are precious, and you have no right to give them up.
Have a sleepover there. I live in a different state than my mom, so when we go to visit, we stay there. That way my mom still gets up with my infant in the middle of the night, but brings her to me for feedings. And if I choose to go out, she will give her a bottle while I'm gone.
Invite her to sleepover at your house. That way she can still see the baby as soon as he wakes up and also put him to bed. Will give you a little break without you losing quality time with you son. Maybe you and your husband can have a late date.
Meet on mutual grounds. Get a hotel room somewhere for a just a night. Sometimes my mom and I meet half way, get a hotel room, and have fun in the pool, or order in so she can see the baby in a homelike atmosphere, much more fun than going to a restaurant.
There is always time for fun. Tell her to think of how much fun it will be to have both grandkids over for a sleepover when they are 2, 3, and so on. I think my son first stayed at my mom's house for a long weekend when he was 18 mo. old.
I'm very late to this but...
WHO'S THE MOMMY??? WHY DOES THE GRANDMA WANT TO HAVE AN INFANT FOR A SLEEP OVER???? 1 YEAR OLDS CAN DO A LOT OF HARM TO AN INFANT ON ACCIDENT. WHAT'S UP WITH PUTTING THE BABY IN THEIR BED???
Your husband was raised by this woman and therefore thinks what she's requesting is normal but I don't think it is.
The very idea that she thinks it's o.k. to separate a nursing baby from it's mom tells me she is either a control freak or emotionally immature. I'd make it very clear to her what your boundaries are and never, ever back down. If you and your husband want to get away...the grandma can come stay at your home, without her husband and nephew. That's taking care of the baby, not using him as a source of entertainment. Sounds like she's done a number on her son making him feel obligated to meet her needs. NOT GOOD. The nephew spending the weekend all the time creaps me out! I'd have a lot of questions about this to my pediatrician...check it out.
Stand your ground!!!
I know I am late in sending this, but had to share a slightly different view point. While I agree that he is your son and you should do what YOU think is best, as long as there is nothing seriously wrong with your MIL, did she not raise your husband? Although I bottle fed, both my parents and my in-laws had had my son stay at their houses when he was about 1 month old. It was FABULOUS to have one night where both my husband and I could get sleep and enjoy a moment of intimacy! (Which let's face it, is hard when you have a young child!) I'm sure there are plenty of moms who would disagree with this, but if your parents and inlaws are in good health and can handle your son, then let them! (When you are ready of course) And also know...the more adjusted your son is to sleeping at their homes, the easier it will be when something comes up and he HAS to stay there. My son will be 2 in August and LOVES staying at both grandparents homes because they make it much more fun than Mommy and Daddy do! Trust you gut, but remember that this is a good thing for your son! :)
I didn't allow my kids to sleep away from home until they were totally off the bottle and done with nursing and they can't not sleep in the same bed as nanna that is a big NONO the child will expect this when they come home and take longer to learn their independance I say it's to early !
I just saw this and your response to all who replied to you. I do understand how you feel. I don't see how the mom of the nephew could feel comfortable with leaving her baby as early as two months old. I mean I am still protective of mine and I have a 4 yr old boy and a 1 yr old daughter. You definately go with your instincts. If you are not comfortable then don't do it. I strongly feel that you do not send your child some where when you do not feel good about it. Good luck with that and definately stand your ground. You are Mom and that's what matters.
When nursing, that is not even an option to allow a 4.5 mo old to do a "sleep over" with anyone. With all gadgets they have these days to bump, the bonding between Mommy and child has no price on it.
If you don't feel good about it, don't do it.
As for children sleeping in G'ma's bed - I have 6 grown children. I actually thought the way you did, til our baby now 19 years old slept with us for along time. Truly, she has no want to sleep with us for some years now. Grandparents hold such a different bond w/their grandchildren that you (or I - yep, still no grandchildren) can not imagine. I was very close to my G'ma - and had no problem sleeping with her. I felt secure and comforted. See where I am getting at? Your children will have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents, which inturn your children will have great memories of their grandparents one day.
Over the years I have learned "we always get other attitudes from all different parents thoughts and ways on how to raise our children". What I did learn, is my own gut feeling is always the right one for me and my family. Don't feel guilty to say no - just say no. It is much healthier. I so understand why your husband doesn't care if your child goes to G'mas - because he is not Mommy - totally different maternal parenting.
You are not overbearing, rather a loving Mommy. And you will know when you are ready for the next step. Listen to your heart and follow it.
Mother of 6 - ages 19 to 27
The first thing I like to ask when confronted with an issue regarding children, is what does God say. Remember that God is kind,patient,not forceful, and he favors mothers. As mothers we sometimes forget this and as soon as we are confronted with an issue we began to doubt ourselves and our decisions. Are you overbearing? Probably not. Do you love your baby? Yes! Stand by your decision and watch as your mother-in-law and everyone else will have to fall in line with what you know is best for your child. I don't know your faith, but please put God first and his favor will pour into your life and he will ease all confusion and doubt. May God's peace and protection be with your family.
First time mother of a 3 year old
You've gotten plenty of responses, so I will simply share: My MIL, while a wonderful person, has never really understood the special needs of our preemie. Fortunately she lives far away and so her long-term experiences have been limited to when we were around, but we've noticed a pattern where she will listen to our requests and then do what she wants anyway. We limited those (already limited) situations.
She recently came and stayed for a week while we were out of town. Our son was 17 months and was pretty unbreakable, so we felt more comfortable with it. However, we found out later from a family member that she pretty much disregarded his nap schedule -- one of the very few "requirements" we had. Didn't hurt him at all, but she again disrespected our wishes. The next time we're in this situation (especially with a newborn on the way) we will be having a big conversation with her (again) about how she can either do what we ask, or she can see her time with the grandkids limited.
She also wants to take him for a week or two to their house several states away "once the baby comes" to "give us a break." Never gonna happen. We've told her she can have 'em when he's five. :)
You hang in there. It's YOUR baby, you're not being overprotective or remotely unreasonable.
My oldest is five and he's never slept away without at least one of us with him. Same for the other kids. Don't give in to anything that makes you uncomfortable, even if you don't have a logical reason, logic doesn't have a lot to do with raising kids. Stick to your guns.
My daughter's father and I were never married, nor did we live together. So, after a couple of sleepless weeks, he had suggested I allow her to spend the night. I was extremely resistant. I was nursing, so how was she going to eat? I hadn't started expressing any of my milk. What am I to do with my milk? Sure, expressing it helps, and this can me a start of my supply of breastmilk to bottle, but the pumps don't encourage milk production quite the same as a baby nursing (which is how I eventually quit nursing without the pain of unrelieved engorgement). Then there was the maternal panic of this is my baby. Why would I let her out of my sight, even if it's for a night of sound sleep? My mom encouraged me to let her spend the night with him so he can get a taste of what I go through. So I did. But it was EXTREMELY hard! Now, I know that's a different scenerio--she's spending the night with her dad, who happened to live with his parents (he was still in college; I had just graduated college). It eventually go to the point where every week he would take her for a night, then it got to a couple nights. She would even go over when he was in college so that his parents could spend time with her (they live in Hammond; I lived in Crown Point--we agreed that that arrangement would be much easier than having a visit every few days). In a lot of ways thereafter, I wish I hadn't done that. My daughter's grandparents act like they have as much rights and say-so as if they were her parents. They're great people, but when you get your daughter's haircut for the first time (at the age of 1, no less) and his mom says, "You paid for THAT?" with a disgusted look on her face, it boils your blood. Because of the arrangement we had for our daughter spending the night with him and his parents, when we broke up he expected to still get her every weekend. I told him I wanted every other weekend, like all other normal separated parents. We settled on him getting her for 2 weekends to my 1 weekend and 2 weeks in the summer instead of 6 (all the weekends make up for those weeks). Even the Courts said they weren't willing to order visitation. They just left it to us... Also, on those few weekends I get my daughter, my dad butts in and asks for her to spend the night. Now, since my dad's helping me out by loaning money when I need it for now (I'm not working, but I've been looking for work for the past 6 months), I feel I can't say no. How fair is it for your daughter to wake up at her grandparents' house on Mother's Day? She wasn't available to spend the night that Fri, so my dad just suggested Sat night, then. Again, when someone controls the purse-strings, it's hard to say no. And even if it's not a holiday or my birthday, when she spends the night she's there for about the whole day! If she goes on Fri, then I most likely don't see her until Sat night because my dad and step-mom will make all kinds of plans. I appreciate them helping me and being involved in her life, but I don't understand why she can't spend the night just once in a while on my weekends with some visitation during the other weekends? My mom hardly sees her anymore, and she's not asking to monopolize my daughter's time on my weekend...
I know your situation is different. But I wanted to relate my story to you. Once you get something started, it's very hard to stop it once it doesn't agree with you. If you're uncomfortable for any reason with your baby spending the night away from you, then listen to that. You're right for wanting to spend as much time with your child as you can. When my daughter was a newborn, I had to work, too. And it's very difficult to leave your child for 40 hours a week. Also, don't feel pressured to leave your child with your in-laws just because your husband's nephew has been spending the night every weekend since he was a couple months old. That's not your child or your call. Just keep saying that since you have to work and be away with from your baby, you really do cherish the time you can be home with him/her, and that includes on weekends when there's no rushing. And, since you nurse, you already have to express milk for a baby-sitter or daycare and you really can't afford to take any out of that supply for an overnight or are willing to express anymore for an overnight. Then, when you're ready, you'll just know it. That could be when you don't need to pack a whole diaper bag of supplies. That could be when your child starts eating table food rather than baby food. That could even be when your child is completely potty-trained. And for all those you can also say you just want to wait until it's all a lot easier on everyone involved--no wetting the bed, no dealing with strained peas your child hates and will knock the spoon out of your hand and onto the floor, no bottles at all... It is a great thing for children to spend the night with their grandparents. It's such a treat! But don't feel pressured that it has to happen every weekend, either. I wish I put my foot down long before now, because now it's just too hard...
If you're not ready, you're not ready. You are nursing, so that's a great excuse if you want to give one.
As a GM, I have always respected my children's decisions with their children. They are the parents. In that respect, I think your MIL needs to back off and let you make your decision. As a M., I believe it is very difficult to let that baby go, especially if they are under a year. I respect that in any M.. Re: sleeping in the bed with her, I think you need to express your wishes and tell her why you feel that way. Whether she agrees with you or not, she should respect your wishes and your hubby should support you. Are you being too harsh? Maybe a little? Is she being pushy? Sounds like it. Just we become moms, we are not perfect moms and just because we become grandmothers, we do not know it all. Go with your gut. She'll have plenty of sleepovers when you're ready. It's your baby, you are the M..
You are not being over protective. Your baby belongs with you until you feel comfortable being apart. Those night time nursings are nice for you and your baby, especially if you are working and don't get to be there for all of the day feedings. Don't allow them to pressure you. Say that you are not ready and there will be plenty of time for sleep overs in the future. When the baby is older you will most likely welcome the break but for now go with your gut.
A.- Mom of three.
P.S. I agree with you about the baby in the bed with them. Not safe.
I found myself nodding like a bobble-head doll when I read this request - I so get what you're saying! My husband's sister wants us to let her babysit and there's no way in hell I'm going to let that happen until I know my son is self-sufficient. She is really rude and basically tells me that how I'm raising my kid is wrong...please note, she does NOT have any children nor does she work with children. And this woman wants me to leave my child with her? Yeah...right.
No - you are not being too overbearing.
You'll be ready when you feel ready and you shouldn't bend just to please someone, especially since they sleep with the baby in the bed and you are opposed to that. (If you were to tell them you didn't want that to happen and they did it anyway, what else are they going to do differently that you don't want - formula since you're breastfeeding? cereal in the bottle? feeding food that isn't appropriate for a 4.5 month old? not sticking to the baby's schedule?)
Just tell her straight up that you're not yet comfortable with having the baby do an overnight with anyone and that it is nothing personal. If she doesn't respect that and presses the issue, then your husband needs to step in and nip it in the bud since it is his mother.
Hi M.--I agree with the rest of the advice, do it when YOU are ready. Your husband needs to let his mother know that he agrees with you. You need to be a united front for her. If she knows that she can "pick him off" she will ALWAYS do it.
You are not overbearing, this is your first baby and need to feel comfortable with your decisions. Best of luck to you!
If you aren't ready for your baby to have a sleep over, then there shouldn't be a sleep over! You are not being overbearing, just a concerned Mom. You mentioned that you are still nursing. G'ma can't do that for your little one. If your MIL can't respect your wishes as a parent, then she is being the overbearing one.
As for how to deal with it.... I would share your concerns with your husband and pick a time/age (He can talk/communicate, turns 1, stops nursing, etc) when you think your son will be ready to have a sleep over. Then both of you should talk to your MIL and tell her what you decided as a couple and tell her that her house will be his first sleep over once he reaches the milestone you picked.
I am a working full-time and have a 9 month old who I am still nursing. We have not been separated for a night yet. Since you are still nursing isn't your baby still getting up at night to nurse? I am not sure why grandma would want to deal with that. You are not being overbearing! Do not second guess your instincts. I cherish the night time nursing since I am away at work for the day. Stand firm and know that even if your husband won't take a stand you have lots of moms who have responded who stand behind your decison.
Too young! Tell her that you are breastfeeding, (as your pediatrician recomends) and that it just will not be an option atleast until the little one is weaned. Or simply say you will let her know when you think you both will be ready. Let her know she is welcome to take her during the day when she would be in daycare anyway, or for a monthly date night (from 7-10). Acknowledge and appreciate her excitement to be involved in the grandbaby's life. Make her feel apart as much as possible, but be firm in your decision. Also try to have a heart to heart with your husband. Hopefully he can understand and support you in this.
I agree with your gut feelings! Our son started sleeping over at my parnets house (about one every 4-6 weeks) just before he turned 2 so my DH and I could do some work on our house- we were getting ready to sell. Since then they have continued to have sleepovers regularly now that we've moved to give us "date nights" or time to work on our new house. HOWEVER, he's only spent the night at my mil's ONCE- and that was when he was almost 3. She dosen't have a room for him- like my parents do- and I'm just not as close to her, and neither is our son. I know that he had fun, but he hasn't been back. I just seem to agree more with how MY parents handle things then how my mil does. Also, we didn't have him spend the night away from us until he stopped nursing- at 22 months. If you're not ready- don't agree. Just let your mil law know that you enjoy spending ALL the time you can with your child. She may seem turned off, but she'll come around. It's her job to respect your way of parenting. I'm sure that there will come a time when you'd like/ need your child to spend the night there so I'd just keep the communication positive and honest. Best of luck!
No, you're not being overbearing. Trust your instincts. You will feel more comfortable and may even want the break when you are ready. Really, I think this is how you will know. And, ask your husband to be more supportive of your decision.
Holy cow you got a lot of responses, as I figure you would! No time to read them but here's my two cents.... It's YOUR baby. Do what YOU want not her!! MIL's are tough... good luck with that! My youngest DD is 21 months and I have NEVER been away from her all night yet!! I wait until they are atleast two before g'ma gets them! Not to mention you are nursing! How does she plan on handling that?? ha! ha! Just trying to make light of it.....On the other hand, once the child is older it will be nice to have someone WANT to watch them! So don't burn that bridge! ha! ha! Good luck!
Mom to four great kids!
No you are not being over protective. Don't let anyone make you feel that way. It is their problem if they can not respect your wishes. Your baby is only 4-1/2 months old, not to mention still nursing!! When you are comfortable with your child being away from you over night then that is the right time. IF that is never, then that is okay too. I think too many people put this pressure on us that we have to have our children do this or that on their time frame. Don't forget, YOU are the mom do what is right for you and your family. Are you going to be the popular daughter in law? Probably not, but if you are happy then that is what is most important. I don't have a good relationship with my MIL, so for me my kids will never spend the night unless it is an emergency. And I have said that to her (at least she stopped asking). On the same token, my kids won't spend the night with anyone in my family either. I try my best not to have a double standard. Try to get your husband on the same page, at least when the conversation comes up with your in-laws. Being a united front is very important. That way there isn't so much pressure on you. I'm lucky my husband feels the same way that I do.
When I was employed FT, I didn't want to be away from my kiddo more than I had to either, so I feel ya.
You sound like you feel as if this "next step" is something toward which you should work. Already you're second guessing your own instincts, so it's not surprising your husband is making passive-agressive comments about the situation. Clearly, he does care and has an opinion -- but if you're taking a shaky stance, you can't expect him to treat you the same as if you were firmly standing your ground.
It's also unsafe for babies this young to be sleeping in a bed with a relative. Falling asleep on Grandma's shoulder is one thing. Sleeping in a fluffy bed with a non-alert grownup is another. If baby stays over, she stays in a crib. Period.
it may be your call but you and your husband should tell your motehr in law together- he supporting you 100% that you are not ready to have the baby spend the night until you are finished breastfeeding- or give a time after a year of age etc.. or just say on special occasions- yours or your husbands birthday, anniversary etc.. and advise you do not want co sleeping...
I don't think that you are being overbearing at all. Aside from the fact that you work full time and so already see your baby so little, an overnight with grandma can really be detrimental to your nursing relationship.
oh my word! Are you kidding me???? I actually find it abnormal that your nephew sleeps at g'ma & g'pa's!! Don't feel any pressure to send your own baby over there. It is completely normal for a mother to keep her own child every night. How to deal with this? Please tell your husband that people don't do this usually. Tell him you don't feel comfortable with this and until you do...both do...your baby will be staying at home with you. My daughter is 4 1/2 and my in-laws keep inviting her over to sleep. I'm still not ready. So perhaps I'm overprotective or overbearing! But certainly not with a baby! Follow your insticts here. I think you're on to something.
Oh the in-laws.
Your husband should really stand together with you on this, otherwise it looks like you don't want something and it might get turned around and your MIL is like, "well, it's because of my DIL that the baby doesn't stay over".
You are nursing which is the perfect excuse too.
And, it's your life, baby, and breasts so whatever, it's your choice! One of my girlfriends said when my daughter was born, "you are the mommy, so you are the BOSS" and I loved that then and still do!
I do think your husband needs to back you up though, no more of this, "it's really M.'s decision, I'm good with whatever" he needs to stand with you and say "we're just not comfortable with that just yet Mom."
Hang in there!
Ok, just for the record, I did not leave my daughter over night until she was 2 years old - and I left her with my husband while I went on a girls' weekend. Even then, with her father watching her, it was extremely hard for me to leave her that first time. I think it is only natural.
Finally, a couple of weeks ago, we broke down and left her with her grandparents so we could take a much needed long weekend away. This was the first time we had both left her together. She did really well - and so did we. I think we were ready to be apart from each other.
So please don't let anyone else bully you into leaving your baby until you are ready! We waited 2 years. Could we have done it sooner? Yes, probably. But I just didn't feel like I wanted to be apart from her yet. She is older now - can talk and run around and play. I think it was easier for her to be away from her parents and also easier for the grandparents to take care of a toddler vs. an infant. I didn't feel as guilty leaving her behind.
I hope this helps! If your mother-in-law is going to judge you for your choices, then so be it. But it is your baby - you set the boundaries. : )
Well I'm a stay at home mom, and I have to say whenever ANY family member offers to take one of my five kids overnight I have them packed in a half an hour LOL! Still I completely understand not wanting to be away from your kids more than you already are when you work so much. If she was OLDER I would say go ahead and let the grandparents take her for a night. It would be a good experience for her and let her be even closer to her grandparents. Maybe you don't have to let her stay every weekend like her cousin, but once every other month or so. The first time will be really REALLY hard (like when you had to go back to work after having her) but I can't think of any better babysitters than the people who raised you.
On the other hand four months is pretty young. I don't know many four month olds who even sleep through the night. If it were me I would say instead of her spending the night this young the grandparents could come over and spend a day with you guys. Then they could be close without the baby going away. I think babies are old enough to spend the night (for fun) when they are a year old.
I think if you are not comfortable with it then you should not let the baby stay overnight. My sister was having the same issue with her mom-in-law and she simply told her MOL that she was thankful for the offer but she was not ready for the baby to be away from her and her husband over night. She was polite about it. I think you should make it clear to your MOL that while that works for your nephew's parents that does not work for you. In the end it all comes down to what works for you and your family. So I say be polite but firm and make sure she is clear about what you are and are not comfortable with right now. If she has a problem then let that be HER problem not yours. You have a new baby that you should be focusing on right now, not a pushy MOL. Just my two cents...
I agree with you I think 4 1/2 months is to young for a sleep over even if it is at g'ma's. I never let my own parents keep my daughter over night till she was 2 and it was only because we were going to a adult only wedding not close to home so we had to stay.
It is alright to be overprotective you are a first time mom and enjoy spending all the free time you do have with your son. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that, just explain to your mother-in-law that you are not ready to be away from your son all night either she will understand or she won't in which case that is too bad she will have to get over it.
Your son will grow so fast so enjoy all the baby time you have and it is okay to want all that time to yourself. I did and I don't regret it at all in fact my daughter is 3 now and I still loving having all my free time with her and even though she is older I still have a hard time when we let the grandparents keep her over night which isn't very often since they live in Michigan and we live in Chicago.
hold your ground,
FT working mom of 3yr old amazing daughter and just as amazing husband of going on 8yrs.
You sound like a mom who puts her child first. Nursing a baby is hard, and I can't imagine doing it while working full time! You need to trust your gut on this. It sounds to me like you are not ready to leave your son with his grandparents overnight. I completely agree with you on this. In my opinion, 4 months is too young for a baby to be away from his mom overnight if he's nursing. I am currently also nursing a 4 month old. It's hard to learn to trust your mother's instinct when you stand alone, but it's usually the best thing for the child. I may be stepping over the line here, but I also feel that your husband should support your decision. I know it's hard to be between your mother and your spouse, but he should always stand with his wife. If he really doesn't care, then his response could be "I support my wife's decision". I hope this helped. However; I am a pretty overprotective mom of 4, so.... Just make sure you gently let your mother in law know you're not ready right now. Stand firm, but be honest. And you're also right about not letting your son sleep in a bed with them. VERY dangerous, that would freak me out. When they're this little, there's no such thing as OVERprotective. God bless! You're doing a great job.
Trust yourself. If you are not ready your baby is not either. Every child has different needs. It may take months...even years before you feel the time is right. I'm speaking from experience. Don't give into pressure. Wait until you are completely comfortable. The time will come.
I can COMPLETELY understand what you are going through!!! My daughter has a wonderful attachment to my mother but my husbands mother hasn't been around as much (she's not your typical can't get enough of her granddaughter kind of grandma!) My daughter doesn't warm up to her at all. She keeps wanting to take her to church on Sunday (so she can show her off to all her friends) but that means she has to spend the night Saturday night. I do not want that to happen as I know it will be tramatic for her and therefore, tramatic for me thinking of her trying to fall asleep in unfamiliar territory without her mommy and daddy. 4 and a half months is very young for a sleep over. I'm surprised that your husband doesn't mind. Go with your gut...
When you feel like its your idea to have an overnight - then its the right time. Do not feel pressured. Every mommy and baby is different. Its hard to be away from Baby when you are nursing and working full time, I know!!! So tell your MIL that when you are ready, she will be the first one to have an overnight. Assure her that it is not about HER, but about your need to be close to your baby as much as you can.
S. (Who has not ever been away from her daughter over 23 months overnight!)
Too young! I'd personally avoid the confrontation and make excuses. It could get ugly especially if the nephew stays over all the time. Just give her time during the day while you and your hubby get a little alone time (1-3 hours). Spend time with your little one. Don't let them pressure you!
Agree with everyone else ... take your time, do what is comfortable ...
And THEN ... if possible, CELEBRATE that you have a safe, loving and experienced home to bring your child to if you want to, when you want to.
I am finally getting to the place where I THINK I could handle my 2yr old being overnight (not yet the nursing 6mo old) - but there is no way I would feel comfortable with my mother in law overnight, she's too old ... And my folks are on the west coast.
And - KUDOS to you on the committment to nursing while you work full time!
Set limits now, or you will never be able to reign her in.
If you feel uncomfortable, just say thanks but no thanks.
You listed two good reasons, you are still breastfeeding, you work and cherish you time with your infant.
Say thanks but no thanks as politely and firmly as possible. Better yet have your husband deliver the message so it comes to her as a decision you both made together.
I am a mother of a almost 3 year old and a 16 month old-I have never let my kids sleep over. I am overprotective and my three year old still wakes up once a night and I think they could both be older before they sleep over. My son is almost there but I don't think it is something to rush into. I think you child is too young-your baby is still nursing. Is the grandma going to have the nephew too along with your child- my inlaws have my niece and nephew EVERY weekend so my sister in law and brother in law can go out(which I think is wrong since both work-when do they have time for their kids) and in my opinion, my inlaws would have four kids under the age of 5 is too much and my niece is always pushing my daughter(even down the stairs in front of my mother in law)-niece started to cry since my daughter was crying and my mother in law went to my niece first-pissed me off since my duaghter mouth was bleeding. So, do what you think is right- I think 4 1/2 is too young.
Since you are still nursing I think this is you "out". But certainly offer an afternoon she can babysit perhaps while you run some errands. You are the mother, if you are not comfortable having a baby sleep with grandma...especially so young, you can say I'm not comfortable with that. Usually when you set the limits they back off. But offer a compromise.
Good luck...it's a tough one.
S. in Lisle
It is so okay to say no! You will know when you are ready and the fact that you are nursing, I wouldn't leave mine either. I left my six month old one time as I was supposed to attend this business trip with my husband, I was a wreck. No fun for him and she did okay, had some crying, but said, nope, not again, till she is older and wants to go. I would say they need to stop pressuring you. Every child and every circumstance is different. I certainly, like you, would not be comfortable with the baby sleeping with her. I am sure she is a wonderful woman, but you are mommy and she needs you. Be okay with saying no, not now. Maybe you could try leaving her for a couple hours and then you and your husband could have a date or something. That was easier for me. You are not overbearing - you are the mommy and her protector. Listen to your instincts. She will have plenty of time for sleepovers.
Hi M., Grandmothers are great aren't they?? 4 1/2 months old and a night away from you, that to me is just plain silly.... shame on her she should know better too. There is plenty of time for sleep-overs at Grandma's house say when he's 3........Your baby, & your time is far too precious together it goes tooo quickly trust me on that, there is no point at this time in life.
You are not being over protective. Trust your instincts! I too work full time and don't want to be away from my child any more than I have to. 4 1/2 is really young!
Well, there are all kinds of things we could say about over-bearing in-laws and highly inappropriate sleep-over behavior (grandma lets the little boy sleep in her bed all night?????? Wow, that is all kinds of wrong). But your question is about your son and where you can draw the line. One of my favorite descriptions about nursing mothers is from author Vicki Iovine (Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy). She says that nursing mothers are still a little bit pregnant and I totally agree. That baby is still very much attached to you in a real way. You should not separate from him for a full night any more than you would separate from your own arm. Nursing aside, 4 1/2 months is very, very young for a little guy to be away from his mom for that long. When my daughter was 3 1/2 months I had to be away from her overnight for a medical reason. All she did was scream for about 7 straight hours for my husband. It was misery for all involved.
Age and nursing aside - you are his mom, you make the decisions and the rules. There is no guilt or obligation involved. This is your child. Period. Just between us moms, it really isn't even your husband's call - yours of course is making it easier by saying he doesn't want a vote (btw - if I didn't know any better I'd say he was chickening out and didn't want to a confrontation with his own mom, but I may be projecting my own mother-in-law situation onto that one). Your child does not spend a single second away from you - much less an entire weekend - unless you are 100% totally comfortable with it. Especially since you are working full time and have limited time with him as it is. There is no need to burn bridges or turn it into a fight. You can use the nursing thing as an excuse. The next time your MIL brings it up, just politely, but firmly tell her it is not an option right now and you will let her know when it becomes one. She may have a snide comment here or there about it, but hopefully it will take the issue off the burner for a while.
I have a 4 month old grandson(my 1st)and I can hardly wait for that "sleep over"
But I remember my own sons.(30 and 26 now) They did not stay at Grandparents overnight at that age. Not that I did not trust my parents. We would plan an all nighter with grandparents. I would end up going to get them at 11 pm. Not because they wanted to come home, I wanted and needed them at home. My security, I quess.
So I totally understand, there will be plenty of time for over nighters.
Those are my thoughts, everything will be "FINE"
"There is no love like a "mothers love"
I just want to add my 2 cents from a gma and mother perspective.
Unless there is a reason for the baby to stay overnight, like you are sick, or have to go out of town, you are right in keeping your baby near you. I am now gma to 6. 3 live close to me, 2, very close. First little girl did not stay overnight till about 3, second stayed with her sister since about 2, however, I love having them separately, and making them feel like the only one.
My own babies, I was very protective for a very long time. I just liked my family where I could see them. I nursed also, and it was never a question about taking baby from it's mom- you nurse- you are a pair. Gma can come to your house and cuddle.
My MIL has never asked, but my own mom has begged. She lives about an hour and a half away and I'm afraid more for me than my son! Anyway, he's 3 1/2 years old and has never spent the night without us (although we've all spent the night together at my mom's). Anyway, my mom thinks it's ridiculous because my brother was leaving his kid(s) with her at a young age. She does take it personally, but I don't care. I'm his mom and what I say goes. I told her maybe this summer (I'm a teacher). But with the price of gas being so expensive, it seems like such a waste to take him there and then go pick him up the next day! Oh well. In time it will all work out.
You are definitely not being too overbearing at all. My mom gave me some good advice. Trust your instinct and don't try to talk yourself into something that you are not ready for because someone else thinks you should be. You might regret it. I waited about two years for each of my girls to have sleepovers at grandma's. My m.i.l. was pressuring me too but I'm glad I waited. Because you work full time AND you are nursing you probably cherish every minute with your baby and that is a great excuse not to. This sounds harsh but my friend told me I should tell my m.i.l. that she had her chance to be a mom and now it's mine. I haven't actually said that to her but have made that point as lovingly as possible quite a few times as issues have come up over the years. My oldest is now 9. Also, the way we started was by having what we call half sleepovers. My husband and I would go out and leave them at grandma's, the kids would be put to bed at grandma's, then we would come get them and take them home. They always went right back to sleep. It was a good way to slowly get them used to being there but they were still with us when they woke up in the morning! Hope that helps! Good luck. Trust your instincts.
It looks like you have lots of advise, but just had to respond too. My mother in law drove me CRAZY when my son was first born! She wanted to take him for the night or all day. My MIL went so far to tell me that my breastfeeding was keeping the baby from her & she hated the fact I breastfed-hello that is the best thing for babies!! I told her it didn't make sense for the baby to be far away b/c of the breastfeeding and thanked her for the offer. The next step was to have my husband say something to his dad, to tell her to lay off, but she finally stopped asking. Once in awhile she would mention it and my response was always "someday." My son didn't spend the night until he was 2 1/2!! You're the mom and it's your baby, you do what feels comfortable to you. You are not too overbearing, your baby needs you. Just remember, babies grow soo quickly, you need to enjoy time with him/her,especially since you work FT. Good luck and stay strong!!
Trust your instincts. If you're not ready, don't do it. Since you work FT I'm sure you want to spend the weekend with your baby, and you should. Tell her you'll let her know when you're ready and drop the subject. Feel good and confident about your decision - you know what is best for your child. I'm glad to hear you are still nursing. Keep it up for as long as you can.
BTW, my children are 3 and 5 and they have never spent a night away (I am still nursing my 3 year old). We might do it this summer. It will happen when we're ready. I don't care what anybody else says about this, and I am comfortable with my decision.
Hold your ground. You are nursing and that in itself is a main reason. the other issue about the nephew sleeping in her bed is creepy and teaching bad habits. When you wean your baby and your husband and you go out of town or something of that nature, then okay, but until then, hold your ground.
I was VERY resistant to letting my son sleep over at my parent's house as a baby too. Finally, when he was about a year and a half old, I allowed him to sleep there, and discovered that not only did he enjoy the full attention he got at Grandma and Grandpa's house, but my husband and I enjoyed the time to ourselves. My son is almost five now, and has slept at my parent's house every single weekend since then, and my husband and I have our "date night".
At 4 and a half months old, I think your child is too young to sleep over at anyone's house, but do what YOU feel comfortable with. No matter what anyone says or what they call you, your baby is YOUR child and YOU call the shots.
First of all congratulations on your recent arrival!! If you are not ready yet, you are not ready yet. Although, I would consider it a blessing that you have grandparents that are willing to do sleep overs at such a young age. mine won't do sleep overs until they are potty trained :( LOL. Seroiusly, though...maybe you mother-in-law could come over one afternoon, or you could drop your baby off, and get some much needed rest. Anyhow, do what feels best for you and yours, and congrats, and good luck.
I'm late on this one, too, but I felt an uncontrollable urge to put in my two cents. As most of the other moms have said, it's your baby and your decision to make. Grandparents need to respect that.
My daughter will be one year old in less than a week, and she has only been away from my husband and me once. That was just 3 weeks ago. I laugh because our next door neighbors have a 2 mo old son, and my hubby's cousins have a 3 mo old daughter. Both couples have been without their babies overnight SEVERAL times, already. And the mom's tell me things like "We're celebrating because this is only our 6th night without the baby!" I NEVER would've been without my child that much at such a young age! But that's how we choose to raise our children. We think that spending time with our daughter (and more kids someday) is much more fun than a night of drinking and partying. And we get our alone time after she goes to bed, anyway. We're still up at least 2 hours after she goes to bed.
Also, the one time that our daughter did stay away, it was with my parents. Hubby and I agreed while I was PG, that none of our children will EVER stay with the in-laws, unless they quit smoking and replace all their smoke-filled fabrics (sofa, recliner, bed mattress, clothes, carpeting, drapery, etc.) They have been heavy smokers in that house for 30-some years and you can tell! Hubby and I are both former smokers and are completely disgusted by it. We've told his parents about our decision, and his mom says "We'll quit smoking soon!" We'll see. But that's the decision we made together, addressed with his parents together, and stand by together. And his parents haven't brought it up since we told them our stipulations.
Parents do need to stick together in making these decisions, and addressing the issues with grandparents!
I loved reading the responses you got and glad to see a couple of gmas be understanding. My in laws always mention my children spend the night more the one I do not nurse any more but they know I am not ready and they do respect it . they also live next door so I guess I feel they have plenty of bonding time. I literally have to lock me and the kids in the house on beautiful days just to get my own time with them. finally they built a park in the next community that is open to everyone so that will become our hide out for my sanity.
You are in a no-win situation, but the root of the issue is that you are nursing. If your baby was formula fed this would be less of an issue because the food would go with the baby. I think it is nice that your MIL wants to bond with your child but agree that if you do not want the baby sleeping in the bed then you don't do it. If you out-right say no then you will be accused of being over-protective, which you have every right to be- that is your job to protect the child but people use it against us like we're bad people. Anyways, I would come up with something like "I don't have enough of a milk stash for an entire night but as soon as I do baby can spend the night". Hopefully that will get you out of things for a month or so. I am also wondering about a family sleepover or just leaving her there for a few hours. You could also suggest that you wouldn't want to "do that to her" because your baby doesn't sleep through the night and when the baby gets a little older it will be easier on everyone.
Well, you got oodles of advice already, so I'll try to be brief.
My kids are 4 1/2 and 18m, and have not stayed overnight anywhere without me/us. My 4 1/2 yo. stayed home with daddy & grandparents while I was in the hospital with baby girl. That was really hard on me. It was memorable for him, coming to visit (mcdonalds play, my dessert, new toy from baby, etc.) Anyhow, I'm not comfortable with the away thing. It's very hard for me to separate, so to each their own.
If/when you decide to go ahead, you will probably hear that they did manage to raise their own children. Just nicely stress your likes and dislikes in regards to your childs routine. Try not to make it personal/about them. They probably think they are helping you out, and would love to spend time with your baby... you just aren't ready. I don't see anything wrong with saying that.
No, no, no! If you are nursing and also working full time, you need your son to be with you nursing at night to keep up your milk supply! I would find a diplomatic way to say no. It's just too early for him to be away from you for that long.
Only you will know what's best for you and your baby. In my humble opinion, the baby is still too young for overnight trips without you, especially since you are nursing. I nursed both of my babies and would not even think of sending them away at night. You are not being over protective or overbearing--you are being a MOM. Maybe a compromise would work with Grandma. Suggest she spend time with the baby on some of the days that you are working. She will then have quality time with her grandson and you don't have to give up any of your precious time with him. By the way, grandma sleeping with the baby in her bed is just not acceptable.
Had to comment even though I am late because my mother-in-law asked for the same thing (though not as early in my daughter's life and she was the first grandchild, so there was no precedent set like there was in your family). I stood my ground and never sent her for the some of the same reasons you expressed - I was nursing her until 18 months and I also worked and wasn't interested in spending any more time away from her than I already had to.
I let her spend the first night there when she was over 2 years old - my husband and I had our first night away - but I wasn't particularly happy with some things that happened. She had trouble sleeping on her own there and ended up both in bed with them and waking up at 5:30 in the morning which were things she never did at home. There was another day in December when I spent the night in hospital during my pregnancy while my husband was out of town. My father-in-law put her to bed in her own bed at my house while my mother-in-law was nice enough to stay with me in the hospital for awhile. She talked about wanting to wake up my daughter and take her over to her house for the rest of the night - which I thought was completely ridiculous and tried to talk her out of it - they live only 20 minutes away from us. Luckily, she left the hospital at midnight and decided just to sleep over at my house and not disturb my daughter's sleep. Now, I suppose it could make it easier if I let my daughter sleep over there a lot since I now have two month old twins at home too - BUT I haven't yet because I don't want to send her the message that I am trying to get "rid" of her in favor of the babies. I guess that even though sometimes it is difficult that Mommy desire to have your kids with you is very, very strong. And no, I don't think it is something to feel bad about. Just make sure that your child has lots of other opportunities for quality time with grandparents.
The hardest thing about being a mom is trusting your gut and not giving in to others when you know in your heart what the answer is. There is absolutly no reason to let your child stay overnight. You will be hurting others feelings and teased about it, but so what. You know what to do and never let anyone bully or manipulate you into doing what you know is right. You are not being over protective of your child. Your child is counting on you to protect them. If you don't want to, don't, end of story.
that it totally your decision! i have the same situation going on at my house, and my daughter hasn't slept anywhere except her bed yet and she's going to be 2! don't be concerned what the nephew is doing, that isn't your child and i'm sure your SIL and you have different parenting styles.
you will just know when your ready for the next step, don't let anyone force you b/c once you start, you can't go back.
You are absolutely NOT being overbearing nor are you being overprotective! You are the mother and you son is a small nursing infant!! It sounds like your mother in law is controlling, pushy and manipulative. My daughter is two and I still would not let her spend the night at my in-laws unless my (ex) husband or myself were there. Stay strong and set boundaries - you are the mother!
M., do what is right for you!!! No one else! It is totally your call - I was pretty nervous in the beginning as well - It does get easier as they get older - but....I do not agree with being pushed!
I did not read the responses you already have, too many, so I hope I do not repeat.
You have to do what your gut tells you regarding your child because it will ALWAYS be right.
To make you feel better, I did not let my first daughter have a sleep over with ANYONE until she was 3 years old.
You will always know the right thing and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Good job sticking to your guns!!!
Since you are nursing and working, I would say wait until you are beginning to wean your son and if that is at one year old that's fine. Before then, if grandma wants to keep the baby during the day, perhaps on a Saturday for a date day or while you are at work, great.
4 1/2 months is pretty young to be sending her off to grandma's for the night. It's one thing if you actually need a sitter because you are planning on going somewhere, like say an overnight wedding. But since you do not see your baby as much as you would like, you simply need to say no. If you don't feel comfortable telling your MIL no, then have your husband explain.
I do not think you are being overbearing AT ALL!!! Plus you are nursing. Heck, my daughter didn't spend the night away until she was 3 1/2!
You're the mom, you call the shots. You're not being overbearing at all. If anyone is being overbearing, it's your mother-in-law with her pressuring you to have your child sleep over!
Just let her know that because you're working, you'd like to spend as much time with your little one as possible (just like you said), but also that you appreciate the offer.
Or if that's not a good option, just let your mother-in-law know that your child can spend the night when you're not breastfeeding anymore. If she breastfed, then she should understand that; if she bottle fed, then she'll respect your decision.
As to avoid hurting feelings, just let your mother-in-law know you appreciate her offer to help. But definitely go with what you're comfortable with.
Most important, you'll know when you're ready.
I am late on this too........but I wanted to say good for you on sticking to your feelings! I totally understand how you feel. Don't allow the sleep over until you feel 100% comfortable!!!!! Even if your baby is 2 yrs old!
It's normal to feel the way you do and trust me...you don't want to feel any regrets giving into your mother in law's "request".............congrats!
You are in the right and should stand your ground. My lactation consultant told me when I'm not at work, the baby needs to nurse at the breast. If you want a scape goat, tell her you consulted a lactation specialist and you were told that the baby needs to be with you to nurse. You only have control over your children, don't let anyone take that away from you or influence you because of how others have done it!
M., I am a grandmother, I have one grandchild that we have had every Friday night since he was 2 weeks old. We adore his mother and she has been so good to share him with us and now we have a little girl 7 months old and she is staying with us overnight. On the otherside, I have another grandson to which his parents would not let them come stay. They wanted to raise him at home, which is fine, I have no problem with that but then it created a problem when the mother had to go in the hospital and have surgery and he would not stay with anyone but them. Now that he is older he wants to come stay but we are not sure he will stay all night. Let me tell you a sweet story, I had a grandmother who I stayed with until I was grown. She taught beautiful, wonderful things and I cherished every moment I spent with her.When I got sick I wanted to go to Auntie's house and when I got mad at mother and daddy I wanted to go to Auntie's house. I have very special memories of her and I have always said if I could give to my grandchildren what she gave to me then I would have fullfilled my duties as a grandmother, Oh and by the way, I slept with them for gosh I don't remember how long. When she went into the nursing home, the nurse called me one night about 9:00 and told me she was asking for me. I drove about 15 miles to get to her and when I went into her room I asked, "Auntie were you calling for me? She just patted the bed and said, P., it's nighty,night time, now lay down by me and your poppa and let's go to sleep. That is a memory I will always cherish. Please don't deprive your children of knowing their grandparents and their may come a time when that emergency may rise and you need them.
i just wanted to say that when i had my first child my mother-in-law wanted him to stay over too, and at the time i was working full time also. i just final said listen, this is my first child and i didn't have a child so that i could leave him at grandma and papa's house. I worked full time and i wanted to spend all my time with my son when i wasn't working. Your son is only 4 1/2 months old, the grand parents will have plenty of time him, just tell them to give you a few more months, then you will be ready and if your not thats fine too. stay strong this is your child. :) now i have 2 kids 4 years old and almost 16months old, now i'm the one asking when can they sleep over. hahahaha good luck
I know this is also a late response, but I just felt I had to comment! I was in your situation 6 years ago. I really wish I'd had Mamasource then, or some girlfriends to give such wise and supportive advice! I can only echo what everyone else has said. Your husband doesn't have the same emotions a new mom has, and he also has to sort of mediate between his mother and his wife- not an easy position, so he may find it hard to stand up for you. I did give into my mother-in-law on a few issues against my instincts, and while everything turned out ok, I felt resentment for it and it wasn't healthy. It was a constant course of stress for me. It took a long time for me to learn how to say no to her while maintaining a good relationship with her. Now my kids have a great relationship with their grandparents, and my husband & I have a good babysitter and I've gotten some great advice from her over the years (I just select the advice I like and ignore what I don't like!)
Good luck to you.
Sounds like your mother-in law needs a dog:)What is she thinking letting an infant sleep in bed with her.I totally agree with you that you shouldn't let her have the baby overnight especially since she is being irresponsible.Tell her she can have a "sleepover" at your house . You can get her a sleeping bag. LOL Good luck!
wow! 98 responses (99) counting mine! Is this a mamasource record? You must of it a nerve with your question..ha ha. I have no advice, but I couldn't help but comment =) Good Luck!
I am the mom of a 3 month old and just started back at work. I would not feel comfortable with this, either. I would continue to tell your in-laws NO until you feel comfortable. Tell them you will approach them when you are comfortable with it, but for now you do not want to leave your little one for a whole night. In my opinion a 4 1/2 month old is too young for a sleepover with grandma and grandpa, and I think you are completely justified in saying no. Don't feel bad about it one bit. I want to spend every minute with my baby when I'm not at work and I'm sure you do, too.
I don't think you're being over protective, you're just being a mom! Since you don't believe in your child sleeping in grandma's bed, I think you have every right to be apprehensive in letting your child spend the night. Because honestly, even if you make you're feelings known (Re: sleeping in bed w/gma) there's no guarantee that you're wishes will be followed.
I also was a breast feeding mom who had to return to work FT. And although exhausted trying to do it all, the last thing I wanted was to spend less time with my child & to have to get up in the middle of the night to pump!
I'm sure your husband is hoping for a little alone time with you, & he's probably hoping that you'll be more rested, but he needs to be more supportive of your wants. And although I think grandma is looking for a little alone time for bonding, I'm sure she's also looking to help out, but she needs to understand that you're not ready yet.
You'll know when you're ready, because you'll start to think of the offer as a good thing, not something to be dreaded. Perhaps you could start off in baby steps. Maybe your husband could take your child to grandma's after the 1st morning feeding, while you get the chance to doze back off for awhile. Then she could keep him/her until after dinner time, so your husband & you can have a little quality time, and you'd still get to do the bedtime ritual. And eventually a special occasion like a birthday or wedding will come up & you'll be thankful that your child is so comfortable with someone who loves him/her almost as much as mom/dad, when it's time for an overnight. Good Luck!
Hi M., If you have to ask other people because its bothering you that much than the answer is no. Its your baby and your a first time Mom so when your comfortable you'll will know it. Take care A.
I'm another late response but I wanted to give you another mother's opinion. I have to agree w/ all the mom's who said to stand your ground and not even think about sleepovers until you are ready! I have a 4-year-old who never had a sleepover until he was almost 4! And even then it was only out of absolute necessity. My job was starting before his school was opening to students any my husband was out of country. He stayed two nights w/ my parents, and then so I didn't have to continue to be away from him, my mom came and stayed w/ us the following week until his school year started.
I think that having your mom come and stay w/ you is a great alternative. That way she is getting her quality time, but as a breast-feeding mom you are not having to worry about whether or not your baby has what he/she needs!
Hope this gives you some help.
Please tell you Mother in Law that sleeping with babies can be very dangerous. One of my best friend's 4 month old son passed away on Easter of this year due to suffocation while co-sleeping. The guilt she has to deal with on a daily basis with an accident that could have been avoided. Additionally, I totally agree that if you are not ready to be separated and still breast feeding she should be willing to accept your decision.
I'm not a first time mom and I still will now allow my 1yr old to sleep any where but home. He is a very wild sleeper and heck I can do what I want with my child. He can't sleep over anyones house until he can answer questions and wipe his own but. I'm sorry I trust no one with my kids. My older two did not stay at my moms house over night until they were 2-2 1/2yr.
I feel your child your rules if she wants to keep the baby over night she can do like my mom and come over and spend the night.
Good luck and stand your ground
I am sorry too I did not respond - I did not see it earlier. I am a mom who has had a dozen children - eleven of which we brought home - ten now living. Our oldest is 21 our youngest 15 months old. NONE of my children slept overnight ANYWHERE before a year of age. I think it could be very confusing for your little one to start that. Maybe to help the situation, have grandma spend the night at your house - so your son is still in his normal surroundings and yet can enjoy time with grandma. You are not being over protective. You are being a good mama, giving your child needed secruity. :)
I know i am late on this, but i had to respond, i am sorry but when you have a baby nursing or not, 4 months old is way to young for your baby to have a sleep over, if she wants more time with the baby have her come over and watch the baby. I have 5 children and they didn't start spending the night over their grandparents house until they were 4 years old. If i had an emergency and the kids were young I had my mom come over my house and stay. A grandma is special for coming over and spoiling while mom gets a break or you taking baby over to grandma's to play. Grandma's already did their part in raising children I see no reason why an infant has to spend the night over a granmothers house unless their was a situation.
S. Mom to 5 beautiful children 16yrs,8yrs,6yrs,2yrs,and 8 months see my sons journey at www.liamlockhart.com
That's insain! You have every right to be protective of your child in this situation. I actually find it odd that a grandparent would push for this situation. ESPECIALLY if you are nursing and if you don't agree with the sleeping arrangements, then you have every right as a parent to not feel comfortable with this situation. I would never in a million years push something on to a new mom who may not feel comfortable being away from their baby. You mother in law needs to know her boundaries. If you don't set them now, the family will continue to push things on you.
So what if they think you are over protective? That is a good thing to be. (I don't think not letting your 4 mo. old nursing baby sleep over, would be even in the same catagory as over protective!!)
Just because your nephew stays over does not mean you have to let your child. She is your child, and you make the decisions of what is right for you.
Tell them you don't feel comfortable with this yet, and she is still nursing. Tell them that maybe after she is a year and weaned off nursing...you and your husband might need a break and you guys can start trying then. BUT - don;t allow it to be an ongoing thing...just maybe once in a while for date night. As she gets older, you will be happy you have in laws who are willing to take your child overnight....so you and hubby can have a little time to eachother....BUT I personally think 4 mo. is way to young for this situation!
Hang tough girlfriend!!
I have a 3yo and 4.5yo and I'm still not ready for them to sleep over at grandma's. I nursed them until they are 2yo. My advise is everybody parenting is different and all for the best of the child and parents. If you MIL keeps pushing you, talk to her and explain to her that you are not ready to be apart from your baby. Hopefully she'll understand, if she doesn't, don't worry she entitle to have her own opinion, but it's your son. She has her time with her own baby right. Do what makes you happy :)
i worked FT with my first and was pumping/nursing her. she didn't sleep overnight at grandma's til she was done nursing. i don't think you're being silly at all. it's your baby. i do think 4 1/2 months is a little young for a baby to spend the night elsewhere, but that's just me. whatever you're comfortable with. i didn't like to have to pump at work, so i definitely wasn't going to have her at grandma's and pump at home, when i could have her home with me to nurse. if you're questioning it, then maybe you're not ready. and grandma and hubby should understand.
NO,you are not being overbearing,I nursed my sons and wouldn't have left them overnight with ANYBODY as I also have worked full time since my first son was born and returned to work when he was 8 wks. old. They are now 12 and 15 years old.You and he need the little time together that you have,your nephew who has stayed with gma may have a Mom who is able to be home more..I would never have left my kids with gma all weekend anyway.
Hope this helps,LC a fellow full time working MOM in Hammond!!
Tell her that you are nursing and you can't be away from your baby for that long of time. That's crazy. My baby just turned one and I wouldn't let him stay at my parent's overnight or my mother in law's. Tell your husband he needs to support you.
My daughter has not stayed overnight at anyone's house yet...she's almost 20 mths old. At 4 1/2 mths we were nursing too much to even consider such a thing. I wasn't working or pumping, so that does have an influence on how people think about the "portability" of a nursing infant, but still. I can't total understand why you are uncomfortable. I would love to have my daughter do an overnight now, but her grandparents moved away and so finding a babysitter now is a bit tougher. If I took her to her grandparents she would be totally gone from me for a couple/few days because they live 2 & 3 hrs away. Go with your gut as to when you want your baby to go. Just state that maybe they could keep him for the day...though you probably already do that. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I read a few of the responses here and really enjoyed them. My son is also 4 1/2 mos. old and I am a 1st time mom. I couldn't help but think of what a difficult night we had w/ our son last night. I have to say, he's a pretty decent sleeper and not really fussy in general...he was put down at 10:15pm...didn't sleep, just fussed and fed again at 12:15am...and didn't sleep and was fed at 2:25am....and again at 5am, then 7:50am. You get the picture. We tried everything in between before feeding him figuring something else was going on. My husband and I are spent today! I can't even imagine how my mother-in-law (or my mom) would have handled that. I would have felt bad for them and even worse for my son that my husband & I weren't there for him when he wasn't feeling so well. By the way, our son is absolutely fantastic today and we have no idea what was up w/ last night!!
Wow, what different responses. It was interesting to read all, but I'm going to give you a couple of examples that I have had and made me really glad my mom had kept my kids overnight.
I'm a single mother of 2 small sons, and thank God my mom & dad had kept my boys overnight before. My David got very ill and had to spend several days in the hospital. I am so glad AJ was comfortable with spending the night with Grandma so when the emergency happened his was not afraid. Again thank God my boys were willing to have my aunts stay all night with them when my father had a heart attack and almost died and I was an hour away.
Now on the flip side, when my sister-in-law ran into difficulties in her pregnancy my nephew cried all night until his father came home because he had never been without mom and dad all night and he was scared. He was 5 when this happened. He is 9 now and still hasn't stayed away from home.
I am a big believer in making sure your kids are comfortable with other people, you never know when you might have to be away. It didn't make me any less of a good mother to leave my kids with someone else overnight as long as they were left with someone who cared for them. Now I am lucky that I don't have to worry about the smoking etc. because my son also had RSV (three times) and asthma, but my family is as knowledgable about his health as I am. Maybe because I'm single, but I love surrounding my kids to good role models, who love them and are a part of their life.
I just wanted to give you a little thought to why it might at some point be a good thing to expose your child to a different routine and environment, especially starting at a young age.
Wow you got a ton of responses, and as the mom of two boys, 5 years old and a 3 years old, I agree with most of the other posters that you do need to follow your insticts when it comes to leaving your baby overnight with Grandma. THAT SAID...my advice would be to handle the situation with care. You are very, extremely lucky to have someone in your life who is willing to care for and love your son over weekends or whenever. I cannot tell you how valuable that relationship will be to you later on, when you and your husband decide you need a weekend alone to re-kindle your sparks, or simply have some other commitment you need to attend to. Having a family member who is willing to be a part of things and help you out is a precious gift. So my advice would be to follow your instincts, but tread lightly :)
i went thought the exact same thing...you need to do what you feel is right...if you are not yet comfortable, then the answer is no. the grandparents need to respect your decision and be honest with them...letting them know how you are feeling and you will let them know when you are ready. I did that with my in-laws and my parents and they stopped asking until i told them i was ready.
My advice to you is... Just do whatever you are comfortable with. If you arn't ready for your baby to spend the night at your mother-n-laws house, then don't do it. Tell her, in a nice way, you'll let her know when you are ready for that step. If she cares about you, her son, and her grandbaby she will respect your wishes. If not, oh well. You'll still feel good about your decision because you put your baby first. Tell her she will have plenty of time for sleepovers when you and your husband want time alone for the weekend.
I am a mother of 2 1/2. (7year old, 16month old, and expecting soon). Hope this helps!!!
I agree about keeping that baby home and not over night. Maybe e-mail was less personal but you stood your ground. When my daughter was smoking as a teen I took her to a doctor to get her a patch. I did everything I could to stop her and her brother. She is grown up now and quit years ago. While we were waiting in the waiting room these women were talking about a baby in their family that was always sick and about a doctor that refused to treat children if a parent smoked. Years ago a Biology teacher told us that a toddler will find an ash tray and later crave cigarettes when they are teens trying it. The smoke on clothes is so discusting. I would really never leave a baby with anyone who drinks and smokes. I am not talking about a glass of wine but a continual beer drinker and smoker. That is just not a good environment at all. I know you hurt their feelings and they probably have written you off but they are always going to be harsh with a daughter in law. You take the place of their parenting of their son. It is important for your child to love grandparents and to give them the opportunity to care and love back but it needs to be with your supervision. You are being a great protective mom and the mom God gaven to your child. God Bless. G. W
I'm super late, but I just saw your post. My daughter spent the night with her grandmother for the first time last month and she just turned 7. Yep.....7. That's 7 YEARS, not months. It's not that I don't trust anyone else, I didn't want to be away from her. And she was fine with it. My mom comes and spent the night with us and sleeps in her room with her about twice a month so she still has her grandma time. You are the mama. You decide when it's time and don't let anyone make you feel bad!
I too nursed my babies -- all 3 until about 1 year. I don't think you are being too overprotective or anything. I think you should let your mother in law know that you are nursing and it's difficult to be away from the baby for any length of time. Maybe when you are done nursing, you can have a sleep over. I was never away for my babies when they were under a year- almost ever- perhaps to run an errand, but I am a stay at home mom and nursed full time, not bottles. ALthough that was my choice it was just easier for me to nurse than worrying about pumping etc. I also don't agree with her sleeping with a small baby in bed with her. It's kind of dangerous, especially if you're real dead tired, you could smush the baby in the middle of the night.!! Hopefully your mother in law will respect your wishes and wait till the baby's older to have sleepovers. My children are 5, 4 and 17 months and ther older two have only had 2 sleepovers at grandparents house due to a wedding we had when I was preg. with the youngest. GOod luck and just be honest if you're not comfortable. It's YOUR and YOUR HUSBANDS baby. YOu should do what makes you feel right.
I am a grandmother myself and I have enjoyed having my grandchildren spend the night. I kept my first grandbaby overnight when she was five weeks old. It gave her parents some time alone that they THOUGHT they did not need, but realized how much they loved that one night and one day together. They even when out to eat and to the mall to window shop and have ice cream. I always tried to follow their routine and always had a baby bed. It is just too unsafe for anyone to sleep with a child in their bed. By the next afternoon they were ready for their baby and I was ready to send her home. Their are many options even if you are breast feeding. They make breast pumps and it can be bottled and refrigerated safely. As long as you feel the child will be safe, why not take some time for yourselves and let grandparents enjoy being grandparents. They will not be around forever.
You are not being over protective in the least. Your first responsibility is to your child, and you have to do what you think is right for the baby, not the relatives, or even your husband. If your baby is still nursing at night - you need to be with her. I wouldn't be comfortable with a baby sleeping with a grandparent either. I don't feel that a parent should have to justify any concerns about safety (sleeping in the bed with an adult all night) or attachment (being away from such a young baby all night). Shame on your husband for not being more supportive of you. To address it, I would say you do not want the baby to spend the night away from you until it is older, and then give an age you are comfortable with (for me it was 2 years old). If you say you aren't comfortable, or give excuses/explanations, it opens the door to their arguing your reasons. That said, you can cite the studies regarding sleeping through the night, or Dr. Spock's recommendations on how old a child should be before spending nights away from a parent (I believe he says around 2 years old). I would only give these "reasons" once, and after that, just keep repeating that you don't want the baby to spend the night away from you until it is whatever age you decide - and then keep giving the same one sentence response like a broken record. Eventually they will stop bringing it up if they get the same response everytime and you refuse to be drawn into the debate.
I just accidently deleted my response, so I'll try to sum it up. had to laugh, my parents were the same way. I constantly said "no" and they were almost offended. I did not let any of my kids spend the night till they were old enough that I felt comfortable with my parents or in-laws. Now with everyone busy, they don't take them as much as they use to offer or they thought it would be more fun instead of work. Kids are not always fun sometimes they are messy. Your husband may only be saying it's your call to not look like the bad guy. We brought our kids into our bed, usually at 3am when I had to nurse and then fell asleep, not the same with your parents who are not use to have a little one in the bed. My mother in law carried my 4month old with the baby facing the same way and her arms under the baby's arms with baby's head hanging down... yeh, she didn't even babysit till the baby could hope up her head, almost crawling. Some how her 6 kids survived. Your baby won't remember the sleepover, so I would tell your parents that you want them to spend the night when they can make memories of it... and for your nephew, well, do you remember when people told you that having a baby will change your life? This is what they were talking about. Every weekend is not a party, no staying at the bars till 3am, especially when you have a 4am feeding. They should take resposiblity for their child sometimes. Of course we all need a break, but every weekend. My youngest is 3 and we are just starting to go out again, which might be a bit extreme, but hey, I wanted these kids. You sound like a responsible and loving parent. Enjoy the time with the baby because before you know it, he/she will be grown-up (or at least old enough to stay by grandma's). Good Luck!
I don't know how I missed your post! I know you know this, since it bothered you enough to ask......you're her mother. It's your JOB to be protective. You will know when you are ready, and, not all parents or in-laws are deserving of those special privilages, especially if they disregard you feelings, rules, and wishes. My inlaws rasied three, my husband happens to be the only normal, loving, decent one, and even when it's only me being "overprotective", he always shows the united front with the "we/us" explinations. No matter how angry his parents get, he shows me he respects my decisions as the momma.
I know I'm late on this too but just wanted to give my 2 cents as well.
Personally I have allowed my children to sleep with me but I am their mom and think that would give me a sixth sense of awareness so to speak as to where they are and if they move or make a sound, etc. I don't know that a grandparent would. I'm not saying they don't. I just saying I am not comfortable enough with the thought.
In our situation, none of our three children have ever spent the night at my mom's by themselves. Even when we lived back home until my oldest was 3, he never spent the night by himself. I would leave him there if I was going out but then I would just go back and spend the night as well vs. driving home.
I don't know what kind of health your MIL is in either. My mom isn't in the best so I would not be comfortable with it just because of that. I do agree you need to set your boundaries and get her to lay off you though. You are the mom and if you are not ready to leave him with her at night, then don't do it and she needs to respect that. While I understand we have a gift to have grandparents who want to be so involved and I know they have experience raising their children (something my dad likes to throw at me) but that kind of makes me think even more, they had their children. These are OURS and WE make the decisions regarding them.
I wish you the best.
If your mother-in-law is offering to take your baby overnight, accept the offer. You and your husband could go out to a nice dinner or something that you haven't done since baby was born. If you do not want baby sleeping with grandma, then make sure she knows that and tell her where you would prefer the baby sleeps. When my mother offers to take our girls, we jump at it and have a nice date night. You can also get an uninterrupted nights sleep if baby isn't sleeping through and pick up early in the morning if you wish.
Ew! I would definately NOT allow my child to sleep in bed w/ g'ma & g'pa! (aka-your in-laws) To me, that just sounds creepy! (Sorry, I don't mean to offend...) My son just turned 4 and started to sleep over @ my mom's house - she's two blocks away, and sleeps in the guest room. I also nursed my son when he was an infant and wouldn't dare have him sleep at my mom's or my mother-in-laws house because of that very reason! Plus, they are so little and it's ok to be overprotected a little bit of your child with your in-laws or even your own parents - that's OUR right as a parent. Your in-laws should respect your choice if you choose not to have your child sleep over. When your child is older, then that would be a different story - but when they are an infant - there is no need. Good Luck! (And your husband should stand by your decision, too!) : )
Hi M.. I'm so very sorry that I am EXTREMELY late with this. But here is what I am dealing with with regards to in-laws. All I can say...SET BOUNDRIES...STAND FIRM and last time I checked, you're the parent.
a)During Christmas my son got RSV; we now have a breathing machine to keep at home; I informed all friends & family members via email and verbally that smoking causing issues w/his breathing and they can't smoke or have smoke on them when visiting w/him otherwise they don't get to see him;
b)email sparked MAJOR problems w/inlaws indicating that I was singling the grandfather out since he's a heavy smoker & because I mentioned it in the 'background' on the phone; his sister sent me a very rude and nasty email, which I NEVER replied to nor do I keep her updated w/my son's progress; my family however found the email and telephone calls very important, informative and were greatful to know what is acceptable; family friend said I was immature, inconsiderate and basically a horrible person for sending out the email;
c)grandmother drove 3 1/2 hours to see me to talk to me about email; found it very un-nerving, unacceptable and horrible; said that she has issues w/me for the last 7 yrs but didn't say anything because it wasn't her business but now it is affecting her family; said that I've taken the fun out of being a grandparent w/the email; is offended that I don't accept her advice/help, though I've told her that it's up to me what I accept and don't accept; brought up stuff that has nothing to do with her or her family, but my family; indicated that her and her husband blame my parents for how I am as an adult;
d)At Thanksgiving the grandfather asked if we were raising a queer/gay baby because his nails were a little long, so I told him if he thinks he's cutting them or refers to my son that way again to get the hell out of my house; grandfather tells me how he doesn't like the bink & I tell him it's better than a thumb sucker and he tells me that if I want to stop a thumb sucker one good hit from him and he'll (my son) never suck his thumb again, at which I told him if he EVER hit's my son, we'll have problems; his sister tells me I'm hoover over my son because he whines whenever he see's me;
d)the grandfather is an alcoholic, very rough demeanor, his way is right; the grandmother is very passive & accepting of things unless it bothers the family; she said she was raised not to hurt anyones feelings (calling the kettle black here in my opinion when she confronted me with all the issues since now my feelings and my families feelings are very hurt) but it isn't okay that I was raised to speak my mind;
e)I made it clear that I didn't approve of the way my husbands father treated him as a child or how he hit him (even got into fist fights as he got older) & if he (the grandfather) remotely thought it was okay then, and history repeats itself, I'll be having major problems w/the grandfather if he treated my son that way; said that my son will not being going where his mother isn't accepted or is only tolerated; that my son will not being going down there by himself until his at least 3 or 4 years old; that I felt his grandfather plays too rough with him, though she said he'd never hurt him & I don't care, rough is rough, I'm not comfortable with it; that I would appreciate it if they, the grandparents & others would observe how we are with our son and follow suit when they are visiting him and if they chose not to, then so be it but don't think they'll be allowed to be left alone w/our son;
f)the grandmother accused me of only accepting financial help though I never asked for it and always said THANK YOU and was appreciative of it; any help/advice she gave I wouldn't take or do & like I told her it is my polite way of saying let me figure it out & if you want to HELP then ask me what I need help with or help me clean my house, run my errands, etc., but don't expect me to do what you tell me to do; And the last time I checked we are the parents not them, so I understand that by not taking their advice/help which is really their way of saying they want a hand in how my son is raised then they want nothing to do with me?!
g)they don't like to buy our son anything for fear I will return it because at my shower I was given a crib in a bag that fell apart when washed & since I already had 2 others I returned it took the $$ & bought things that we still needed for the nursery. They felt that if I really liked it I would have asked them to return it and gotten another one, but keep in mind it would cost me over $200 to drive it down to them or $80 to mail it to them and it was only worth $80.
And my list of issues go on. Since then they yet to see their grandson, which is going on 6 months, they don't acknowledge receipt of pictures or cards sent via email or mail from their grandson, they don't call the house. They call their son on his cell phone and ask when is he going to come down & bring their grandson and he tells them he's not, he doesn't have time; I did send out an email to them asking them to come up and visit, even gave them a date, and have never heard back; they did send him some clothes for Easter but they don't fit, too small, but his father did call them to let them know they don't fit and gave them back; I sent an email thanking them for the clothes. So where do I go from here you may ask...stand tall, try to make the worst out of a bad situation. One day my son will know all about this, I plan on sharing with him.
I had the same situation with my mother in law. She is a very independent woman and this caused friction in our relationship. However, my husband backed me up and his support really helped us bond. She could go over during the time that I was at work, but she was able to come home with me at night. Little by little I got comfortable with her spending the night and when she wasn't with me I pumped milk and had it ready for when she would go over or when she would be at the sitters. An overnight is just like if she was over at the sitters. I didn't see it then, because I was a first time Mom, but believe you me when the second one came along I didn't have a choice of him spending the night at two weeks old due to the fact that I was suffering from some bad post partum. Your Mother in law is your friend and would like to pass on some wisdom to you if you allow her. She may not do things the way you want her to be done, but that's why she's grandma not Mom. Don't allow for this situation to cause a rift in your relationship.
I was just like you. All moms have a different comfort zone when it comes to leaving their child. I don't think my son stayed at gma and gpa's house until he was about 2 years old. I can read that you also have a few issues with how gma and gpa would care for your baby. I was in the same boat there, too. My advice is, wait until your "mommy alarm" stops going off and do it when you're more comfortable with leaving him. That will give you time to discuss what is important to you, as well, like having him sleep in the playpen instead of with gma and gpa. It's all a trust issue.
There is no way I would be away from a 4.5 month old all night. BUT, the day might come when you will wish he were comfortable sleeping over there so that you can go out or take a short trip or just be alone with your husband. What do you think about going with him to grandma's to spend the night? Then, when your son is older, he will already be comfortable over there. My 15 month old cries horribly whenever we leave him with anyone. I wish he had gotten comfortable with more people before he started the separation anxiety phase at 9 months. Now we just have to hope he outgrows it soon. He even cries when he sees his grandparents and it breaks their hearts.
Dont do it!!Hes your child and thats that...dont listen to any of these freaks telling you to get over yourself.Your the mama ok??Bye
As first time moms, it's easy to give 100% to our babies; I did. But after about 6 months I realized that my husband and I needed time together as well. Those sleepovers can give couples a chance to take a break and have some quality time. Don't forget about the love that got you to where you are.........we all need to remember that now and again. I see nothing wrong with sleepovers as long as they are safe and with people you absolutely trust. And yes women, there are mothers in law out there that are great grandmothers and raised many of your husbands perfectly fine. But if you for one second think it isn't a safe situation then by all means trust your gut.After all, babies can't use their words to tell you about their visit. Always trust your gut..........good luck!
I know I am late here and there were a LOT of responses, but I read a lot of them and didn't see this point at all:
Until your baby is close to like 9 mo old, they do not realize that they are not a part of you. They don't know that they are a separate person from you until they are a little older (right around the time separation anxiety starts or ends.. I forget)
Show her the research on this and this and nursing are 2 reasons that a 4 1/2 mo old is much too young for a sleepover without mommy.
you are ready when you feel comfortable! no one has the right to tell you when that time is! you may not be ready until your baby is 1 or even 2 years old,maybe 5. no one can tell you when you will be ready. your husband may just want some time alone with you or a "quiet" night. he needs to defend you against his MIL. DO NOT compare yourself to other family members or friends. you are in a tough situation, especially since you do not agree with a child sleeping in their bed (there is a lot of info on SIDS that will back you up on that, especially since it is a g'ma and not a mother, according to statistics no one is as in tune with a baby as the mother) best of luck and I hope your husband stands by your side! since you are nursing, your baby will be very happy if you keep him home with you. use that as your reason for not letting the sleepover occur yet. say it will cause probs with nursing or just say you are not ready and g'ma can get over it!!!! the more she pressures the less likely you will feel ready. working full time must be very hard! you should spend as much time as possible with your baby, unless you need a break! best of luck!
WOW- I cannot believe the amount of responses you have gotten! You are not being too overbearing. What doesn't help is that your nephew is already sleeping over, so it makes you look like the bad guy. I think if you are honest with your mother-in-law and tell her just how you feel. The baby is nursing, you don't get to spend alot of time with him to begin with and you are just not ready for it and you can say you are trying to get him on some sort of schedule and an overnight outing will make it that much harder. Your mother in law will get over her disappointment, she will have no choice but to. Also more importantly, the earlier you stand up for yourself and lay down the law about what you feel comfortable with and what you will and will not allow the less likely you will cave on other issues you are not comfortable with. Only you will know when you are ready for this next step. I personally do not think it is necessary for an infant to be overnight at the grandparents, there is plenty of time for that later when they actually can enjoy it. Good luck to you, would love to hear how things turned out. Enjoy your baby and the precious time you have to spend together.
My mother-in-law was very anxious to have my children all night, but I explained to her there would be rules in doing this. One was they didn't spend the night until I was finished breast feeding.(about 10 months with each) I felt it easier to breast feed at night and didn't want to disturb the great thing we had going. (time of night and I did not speak to the kids during the night, only smile. They all went back to sleep easier.)I was also afraid she wouldn't hear them. Then I brought my pack-n-play for them to sleep in. No bunking in together we didn't do this at home. I would leave car seats just in case. If the rules weren't followed the kids didn't get to spend the night. She broke the rules once by not using a car seat and she didn't get the kids for a long time, I think it was about 1 year. My husband and I explained that it not only was our rule but a law and we felt we couldn't trust her to be safe with the kids. This wasn't her era of raising children. All-in-all she has had plenty of sleep-overs with all 4 of my kids. Things are fine now so don't be pushed into something you are not comfortable with. Also you and your husband need to draw guidlines for grandma and grandpa. And just because your nephew does it doesn't mean your son has to. You remember the phrase, "If Joey jumped off a bridge would you?" Explain also you work full time so you enjoy all your time with him too. After a while you will know it is O.K. to let him sleep over, once your mother-in-law has spent time with him and you to get to know his routine and such. It will all work out. Good Luck!!
I understand you entirely. I cannot imagine being away from my son for a night when he was 4 1/2 months old. My son is 9 1/2 months now and I've still never spent an entire night away from him.
I think that you should stand your ground and politely explain that you are just not ready for this - that your time with the baby is precious and you need all you can get of it for now. One day you can let them do a sleepover, just not yet. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty either - it's very easy for people's comments to touch your emotional side, but remember, you are the Mommy and you know what's best!!!
Follow your heart! Don't let her back you into a corner. Forget the over-protective stuff! It's your baby. Don't let her compare your baby to your nephew! If she wants to watch the baby while you go out with your husband for a nice date night - tell her you would love to take her up on that! You'll know when you are ready for the next step - possibly when she keeps an extra crib at her house. Good luck.
Your question did strike a cord with some people, huh? You probably don't need any more advice because you sound like you have already made your decision. So I'm just emailing you for moral support and let you know I think you are absolutely right! My in-laws can be a bit overbearing too so I feel your pain. They have not come right out and asked for me to let my almost 6 month old son spend the night, but they have definitely eluded to it. My husband went out of town for 3 days when my son was almost 5 months. My father-in-law mentioned that I could go out of town with my husband and leave my son with them if I wanted. I was thinking, are you crazy? I would never dream of leaving my baby overnight with anyone at this age. I'm not sure when I will be ready for that...and I'm not nursing! I know he was just trying to be helpful, but it made me feel like they didn't think I could handle taking care of my own son by myself. My son and I had a good few days just spending time with each other- it was wonderful. I agree with the lady who said, I did not have a baby so I could just drop him off at grandma and grandpa's house. I am not judging anyone who does let their babies spend the night out, I'm just saying it is not right for me. Good luck with your mother-in-law in the future. I think both of us have a long road ahead with other such nonsense that will surely come our way! :)
I just wanted to chime in to agree with everyone else -- do not feel that you have to give in just because she keeps asking. Tell her no. If she keeps asking, maybe your husband can help to get it across to her to stop asking because it isn't going to happen. I would suggest he step in only because it's his mother so he would probably know the best way to tell her. Just because another of her granchildren does something does not mean she gets to do that with all her grandchildren. This is something I have to deal with in my own family on a regular basis. My sister in law is a single mom and lives with my mother in law and father in law. Mother in law is the primary caretaker for nephew while sister in law works. She seems to think that this means that I should drop off both of my kids at her house all day any day even though I do not work, live over an hour away from her and breast fed both my kids. She kept telling me "Well, I already have nephew all day, so I'll just take your kids, too" as if I didn't have any choice in the matter. I never have left them with her. It caused a lot of friction for a while but she has finally gotten the idea. Good luck to you.
Oh my goodness! My son is 2 and a half and I have still not left him overnight! There is no reason for you to feel pressured into letting your child leave you for the night, especially if you are nursing! It's you baby and you get to make the calls. I have learned that the hard way.
Consider the pros & cons. I do not have much family in the area, so this option is not available to me. I personally would plan a night out with my hubby for dinner & cocktails followed by a night alone at home in our tub and breakfast in bed! Be happy that they are willing to do this for you... but on the flip side... set the rules by writing out the baby's schedule & insisting that they do not have him/her in bed with them. Use the excuse that he/she would expect it & you don't want to develop this habit. Keep in mind, some of us moms would kill for this opportunity every so often! Do go with your gut though. When leaving each of my kids overnight for the first time, I had difficulty... start with just an evening where you pick up the baby or with them being at your house watching the baby overnight. Good luck!
I was the same way and I am kind of the same way now, but not as bad. My husband at the time and I went out when my son was about 2 months. All we talked about was our son and at about 10:00 we looked at each other and was like ok lets go get him. We couldn't stand it. So you are not alone and you will know when the right time is. You are a mom and moms know best and your husband should speak with you before he tells his mom it is ok. What I did was start out slow. Go out for a couple of hours and leave him at grandma's house. Then increase it from there. Also I would lay down the law and tell grandma that your child is not to sleep in her bed or there will be no overnights at her house. I did this will my family and my ex's family. I said it is going to be my way, b/c I am the parent. I wasn't mean about it, just kind of setting the rules upfront.
I'm totally late on this one but good for you for sticking with your instincts!!!!!! My son is 4 months old and I'm bfing and I would NEVER want to spend the night away from him, there will be lots of time for that when you and your baby are ready. At this point your baby's most important relationship is with YOU and your in laws have to understand that. They can always visit you when they want to see their grandchild. Or they can spend the night at your house! Good luck, you are a being a good mom!
I am in exactly the same situation. My mother in-law has asked if our daughter can sleep over since she was very young. I gave the same response, after I am done nursing. I just started weaning her now that she is turning one. I asked my mother in law to get a pack n play so she won't be sleeping in their bed. So, even though I'm not 100% ready, I think she will be sleeping over after her 1st birthday. Admittedly, it will be nice to get some sleep.
This is a very good topic. It always seems to be the MIL that demands this. All I can say is stand firm and go your your gut as the mother. She will have to respect and honor your decision. My daughter is 3 years old and I am still not ready for her to have a sleep over at my MIL's house. Good luck.