Mom Seeking Behavior Advice

I would not accept the way that she is behaving with you. She should not scream or yell at you. You need to talk with her that she should not be treating you this way. At 4 years, she should understand that it is not okay to treat mom this way. It almost sounds like she wants to be in control at times. The other question is how much sleep or rest does she get each night? If she is not well rested she could be displaying some of this from being overtired.

When it comes to conversation, you may need to pay alittle more attention and offer a sentence or two and then ask her a question. It will offer her a chance then to let her tell you something if she wants.

When it comes to you looking at her and she screams and cries, I would not accept this behavior. You are the mom and she needs to just deal with it. If she says "dont look at me" then send her to her bedroom and let her know that when she is ready to come out and apologize to you then she can come out. This could though be a time when she is overtired too.

The time-out behavior is not unusally but also not acceptable. I am not sure how long you have been using time-out with her. If it is recent that I am not surprised if she is lashing out. My 2year would be upset, cry and try to hit me because he did not want to go in time- out. At 3 years though, all I have to do is mention time-out and he usually stops misbehaving on occasion though he stills needs to go in time out and he will attempt to climb over the chair and hide.

If you have been doing time out for more than a year than I would go back to the basics and get a chair, stair or mat for her to sit in during time out. Every time she gets up, starts screaming, crying or hitting scratching, just keep returning her back to the time out chair and make her sit for 3minutes. do not say anything to her after the first time that you explained why she is going in time out. She is 4years and she could go with 4min but I would start gradual. For my 2year old, I started with 30 sec, 1 min, 2min, 3min and now when he will sit until he is calmed down and then will get out by himself becuase he has developed to know when he is ready to get back to whatever he was doing before.

good luck

Hi A.,

I agree with Jen. Being sensitive is one thing, being a drama queen - bursting out screaming because you've told her what's happening in your schedule isn't sensitive. It's bad behavior and at 4 years old, she is old enough to understand that she is being disrespectful and that you wont' tolerate that behavior (if you won't). Hitting and scratching during punishment isn't a sign of sensitivity, it's a sign of behavioral problems. Time to lay down the law.

That said, I wouldn't discount that she is going through a tough time emotionally if she is going back and forth between two parents, two homes. If she may be having difficulty with this, I would suggest talking to your pediatrician about resources to help with this

Goodluck

Hi! My stepdaughter just turned 5 and we have seen behavior like this...both in the past and present. My daughter is very dramatic and sometimes has exaggerated emotional responses, or becomes upset over things that I wouldn't necessarily expect her to. Some things that have helped us are:
1) Offering choices, ie, Do you want to put on your coat or do you want me to? Do you want to wear pair a of shoes or pair b of shoes?
2) Consistent routine--this has been a key element with her. I try and tell her in advance what to expect because she doesn't do well with surprises. We have difficulty when she goes to see her mom because it is chaotic there and my daughter flounders without routine.
3) Staying neutral as a parent--often when our kids get emotional it is so easy to take it personally and react with more emotion. I struggle with this, but our interactions are much better when I am not all riled up and ready to blow. I try and provide empathy, ie, "I know it's hard when we have to leave the park, and you seem sad about it, but we will come back again in a few days." When she's whining I try and say something along the lines of, "Stop. I am listening to you. I think you are trying to get my attention, but you need to use your words."
There is no perfect science! I read the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it had GREAT ideas in it (my stepdaugher is definitely spirited!) so you may want to check it out. I know it can be hard in a split custody situation so best of luck to you...my stepdaughter has a lot of anxiety related to spending time with her mom that she often "acts out" in her behavior.

I had a daughter that is grown up now but was the same way. She cried more when she was tied but this must have been and age thing because she was fine when she was 5. I really wouldn"t worry about it and try to notice if it is more when she seems to be tied. I would also let her try to suprise you and tell her you are sorry if she wanted to surprise you. She seems like a sweet girl that wants to please you. If she has to go in timeout it shout only be 1 minute for for what their age is. If she is only 4 it should be 4 minutes but that you should tell her that is real quick if she sits still and doesn"t scream or hit you. Let her know that hitting is not acceptable and that we don't hit but mom make sure you don't hit her either or else you are giving the wrong message it is o'k for me to hit because I am the Mom but not for you. Good Luck A. R

i'm not sure what you should DO... but wanted to say that in my social work i ran into children that acted this way at about that age. You hit it on the head when you said she is "sensitive".
I just wanted to assure you that at least some of her behaviors are very normal (wanting to be the one to tell you things, and to do things are on her own.).

1. you can try to remember to let her do as much as possible on her own... it will help increase her confidence (which is a very important job at this age... i assume she's going to school next year?)

2. set rules and boundaries regarding the hitting/ screaming with consequences that make sense (logical to the action) for example: IF she screams/hits you, she has to apologize to you and/or maybe do a small chore for you to make it up. that's just an idea. BUT, be very firm and clear with her about whatever rules you set for these things. she NEEDS to have consistency with rules. Have you asked the daycare how they deal with these behaviors, or if they have ideas? i'm sure they have a "strategy".

I guess I wanted to say that there is NOTHING wrong with crying when she's upset. some parent try and discipline children when they show emotion... and i believe that to be very wrong. You're just teaching them to suppress emotions which is very unhealthy.

Now, i can understand not wanting the screaming... but maybe as you demonstrate that you are listening and trying to understand why she is upset the screaming will decrease. I do have a friend who said that when her kids whine she simply says, "i don't understand whiny words" and walks the other direction. they've learned to quickly change their tone of voice to tell her something.

with my 2 1/2 y.o. I tell her to use her "nice words" (thank you, please) or that she's not speaking english and i can't understand her when she gets a jibber jabbery. when she's very whiniy/crying... i tell her to use her WORDS b/c I don't understand what she's trying to say. I'm not saying that this works 100% of the time... but if I'm consistent about it and continue to re-inforce that words are what people understand.. and HELP her to put her emotions into words.. hopefully she'll continue to learn as she grows.

That leads me to say that maybe helping her to put her emotions into words will help. "DD, I can see you're very upset about (blank)" Also, model this yourself. For example, if you are upset about getting cut off in traffic... rather than say a curse word or call someone a name (not to say that you DO this... but i think we're all tempted!) say, "wow, mommy is pretty frustrated that she just got cut off... arrrgh!" or if you spill or drop something.... talk about how your feel about it, rather than exclaiming or yelling! (I NEED TO WORK ON THIS MYSELF, QUITE A BIT!!!)

Just some ideas for you...

HTH

I have three little girls, oldest is 5, and we know about drama in our house. The biggest thing that has helped is teaching them how to effectively express their emotions. If they act out inappropriately, I will take them aside and tell them that it's ok to feel upset, frustrated, angry, whatever, but it's not ok to hit, yell, etc. Then I explain and model an appropriate way to express their emotions. I think they're still young at this age to know how to deal with some of their emotions and it's our responsibility to teach them. It's simple conflict resolution, and let's face it, there are some adults who don't have the first clue how to do this. That being said, it's important for you to always model this type of behavior as well (easier said than done, I know). So if you're frustrated with her behavior, tell her, "I'm feeling frustrated right now because . . . " Good luck!

It really just sounds like she wants to control what's going on around her, maybe just ask a lot more questions and even set up chores that she can be in charge of....making her bed, folding towels, sorting socks, putting clothes and dishes away...by giving her more to do you put the focus on her and she feels more important...as for the hitting and such, it's the age...toddlers are run by emotion and just keep putting her in timeout and telling her it's not acceptable to treat people that way...she'll get it and keep giving her words...everytime my children yell, I stop and tell them how they should explained themselves...for example when one yells OW!!! I stop and tell him you should have said, please stop that hurts...I think it's a hard age for them because they aren't little anymore but they are too little to be big, you really(as a parent) want to focus on encouraging as much independance as possible...it's been my expirence that it's easier this way...(mom of 5 boys, ages 8,7,6,4, and 1). Goodluck!

Dear A.,

I wonder if your daughter might need help finding an appropriate way to express her emotions. When she's coming off a screaming/hitting fit (or when she's just building up to one, if you can see it coming), you might try to give her a different strategy, e.g., "We don't hit in our family, but if something happens that you don't like, you can say 'Mommy, I am very, very, very, very, very MAD right now!'" You could also tell her a story about something she likes, say a princess or a unicorn, who used to have trouble with screaming and hitting and then learned to say "I am very, very, very mad." Preschoolers sometimes do better with stories/parables than with direct instructions. If she does try this new strategy, it might be good to reinforce it with a big reaction -- "Oh wow, I see, you're mad, I understand...."

I don't know if any of this will work, but it does sound like your daughter is signaling to you that she wants you to acknowledge how big and important her emotions are.

I also agree with the poster who said a 50/50 custody split might be hard for a sensitive, dramatic little girl.

Good luck!

Mira

I'm not a therapist was have a degree in psych. Sounds to me like you should seek professional advise bc that is not normal to get upset at stuff like that... Something is not right here. My daughter is almost 3 in July..... I really would tell her Pediatrician and if they say she is just a growing girl, seek other advise....................

Hi I agree with some of the other moms. She may not know how to express herself appropriatly. If her speech is limited for whatever reason you can teach her some sign language to help her express herself. If her speech is good give her the words to express herself. Like the one mom said tell her it is OK to tell you "I am very _____________ (fill in the emotion) because _________ (fill in the reason). Then do that yourself with her behavior.
I have a very active 7 year old and she thought she could run the show. We still have problems with it because kids will test their limits daily and just when you realize your not fighting that battle it may come back. At 2, 3, 4, etc. she wanted to be independent and do things for herself so I let her. I figure she can try and do or try and fail and then teach her to ask for help when she needs it. My 21 month old daughter too is very independent. She already feeds herself, puts on her jacket and certain shoes she can put on. I have taught her to bring me stuff and ask for help. She is coming along wonderfully and she is learning all the time. I still have to help both girls express themselves sometimes.
You know your daughter best so if you think it is more than just a behavior problem or lack of knowing how to express herself talk to your doctor. Don't be afraid to get help.
The time out behavior sounds like an attitude problem. Both my girls go through it. In fact the other day the 7 year old got sent to time out and (they have to be quiet for their time out) and she had a royal melt down. Crying, throwing things, kicking walls and on and on and finally I reminded her that after time out it was outside time so she was choosing how long she was in. It took a few more minutes and then pure silence & minutes after that she was running out the door (after I told her she could) and had a great time!
"this too shall pass"!!! and then they will be grown and gone! Take a deep breath and a pair of ear plugs and keep your cool! Good luck! A.

Hi A.,

You are a strong woman- even when you're not feeling so strong. Just remember that first... you CAN and WILL handle this and help your daughter deal with her emotions. My advice is going to require more emotional demand on you, and for that I'm sorry- but I can assure you it will help you maximize your daughter's emotional health. First off, I think it's rather a strength of yours that you can observe not only her behavior but what feelings might've prompted it. The latter is what you will need to draw on and re-direct. So for instance; "[name], I'm thinking that maybe you wanted to surprise mommy by showing me what a big girl you are that you can put your coat on by yourself. I didn't mean to,but I guess I ruined that surprise. I'm sorry for that. I can tell that you are dissapointed and angry, those feelings are okay. . . But, it is Not Okay for you to yell at mommy that way. You Can say, 'mommy, I feel bad that I wanted to surprise you but now I can't' and I will say that I'm sorry, but you Cannot yell at mommy that way. Do you understand?" (if she defiantly says no, repeat the same rhetoric. if she says yes, ask her to say back to you what she is allowed to say/do when she is upset). Same type of deal with Time-outs leading to freak-outs. You want to acknowledge the likely precipitating event (Looking at her, time-out, telling her it's bedtime, etc), more importantly the feeling (sad, upset, dissapointed), and most importantly that it's okay to feel (sad, upset, etc) but how it is not okay to handle that feeling this way but she can handle it that way. The 'science' behind it is that you are creating a validating environment for her feelings and steering her in appropriate ways of handling those feelings. The more you try and make her surpress them by just correcting the behavior, the more emotional she will become because there is a frustration in feeling legitimate things that you're not "allowed" to express [which of course, as a fellow mom I know is not what you're trying to teach her but afterall, she is a child with un-developed abstract reasoning]. In appyling this technique, you are also teaching her Feeling words. The other thing you can do and should incoporate as mush as possible, is express to her your own feelings as they result from her behavior, all the while re-assuring that you love her. So you can say "{name} when you yell like that, you are really hurting mommy's feelings. It makes me very sad. I love you very much, but when you act this way, it really hurts my feelings." You are now modeling for her appropriate ways of handling un-pleasant feelings.

I don't know if this is all too much to take in or not- and again I can only empthasize with how much patience and emotional self control (and work!) this will take from your part, especially being a single mom. But it will be worth it in the long run and even more immediate results if you really push yourself for a consistent effort that almost in-sync-ly matches her amount of outbursts. She is still young and although quite obviously a strong personality and may feel to you un-moldable at times, she is still very YOUNG and that is very mcuh on your side. That brain of hers is still developing communication skills, her emotional structure is still forming and there's still so much room to grow. But I do advise you to take the bull by the horns now- I won't scare you into what will happen later if you don't, just trust me on that one.

By the way, I am a co-mom, but if you haven't already started to wonder as much, also a therapist. I think it's great that you're reaching out to other moms and I highly encourage you to continue building emotional supports for yourself. Being a mom with best intentions doesn't make you not be subject to your own humanity and emotional capping points. Sometimes that best thing we can do for our children is be emotionally supported ourselves. . . and a tool or two along the way doesn't hurt. I'm okay with it if you want to reply to me personally and ask/process anything else. Either way, best of luck to you.