2 Year Old Hitting - Time Out the Answer?

I teach. Taught pre school for ages. Sounds like you both need to learn how to say "NO!" and mean it. Does your daughter stop when dad says no? If so, she has learned that he means it. Time out is fine, but mean it. Put her in on a kitchen chair in the middle of a boring room. Don't look at her. Set the timer for a minute per year. Don't talk to her. If need to check on her look at her feet. After keep it simple- "No hitting. Hitting is not allowed." When she hits again, put her in time out again. No talking about it, just do it. Afterwards "No,no hitting." Repeat as needed. She'll get it.

Work on your "mom look" that look that every child should know means- don't even think it.

My hubby just read "Happiest Toddler on the Block" which addresses hitting. The solution he says, is validating the child's emotion behind it and letting them know that what they're doing hurts (teaching them empathy). So for instance, Jake pulls my hair when he doesn't want to get into the carseat. I say, "No pull hair, that's an ow-ie. Jake's mad. Jake doesn't want the carseat. But we have to go bye bye and we all have to wear our seatbelts" So over time, when their language skills improve, the behavior dissapates. Hope this helps!
D.

If your son is taking her things and behavely badly he should be put on timeout and if they are doing it at the same time put them both in timeout but sepaerately. Almost everyone has to deal with the hitting issue. I told my kids with a slap on the hand that hitting hurts and we dont hit people. The slap on the hand is to show them that it does hurt.

S.,

I have two 2.5 year olds and we had double the issue with hitting. We firmly believe in Positive Discipline. It makes no sense to us to say "Don't hit!" while slapping the child on the hand.

Anyway, the suggestions to redirect are good. However, your daughter is upset and doesn't have a constructive way to dispense of her anger. I agree that if your son has initiated the situation, there should be a time-out for his behavior. Then, tell your daughter that you understand that she's mad and needs to use her words. I have said to my children. "Tell Mommy you're mad. Say, 'I'm MAD, MAD, MAD!'" I shake my head back and forth when I say "MAD". I do this a few times and they either get it, or they crack up. Either way, the anger has been diffused.

Another option when there is just no reasoning is to grab a crayon, pen, whatever and a piece of paper. Tell your daughter, "You seem very angry. Show me how mad you are." Then, scribble on the paper to show her what you want her to do. She can express her anger on the paper instead of hitting.

If our children try to hit US, we catch their hand in mid-swing and say, "No, we touch Mommy/Daddy gently. We do not hit." At the same time, we are stroking their hand on our arm or leg to show them what gentle touching is.

It is DEFINITELY not an overnight fix. However, both of my children now think about it when they want to hit. If their arm goes up, you can tell that they hear the words to 'touch gently'.

Everyone has different parenting techniques, but I hope that one or more of these suggetions can help you.

~ L.

Be consistant with whatever you choose but make sure you have your son say sorry for what he has done also. This is her only way to express her feelings but she may feel it is unfair if she is the only one getting in trouble. What ever her consiquence is, her brothers should be just the same. Both should say sorry to each other, I make mine give a hug, and be put in the corner. Timeout should be only as long as their age so 2 min for her and 4 min for him. Then talk about it when timeout is over. I make mine say sorry again and then tell each other that they love each other then I tell them if this happens again today their will be harsher consiquences. The next time, timeout is with their nose touching the wall for the 2 min. Next time, they get a swat on their bottom. I don't like to "hit" when I'm trying to teach "no, hitting" but sometimes that is all it takes. A little swat on her bottom may show her that it hurts when someone hits her so she should not hit someone else. It worked for us. My children no longer hit but remember that it is just a phase and it will get better but bad behavior has to be delt with even if it is just a phase.
Good Luck!!

Totally normal behaviour, but you need to be consistent. Even if she is being teased by her brother, they both should get a time out. There should not be a reason to hit(being teased)By not putting her in time out you are sending a message that it is sometimes ok to hit. Your son should also be in time out so he knows provoking isn't ok either. It is a phase and will pass. You could always separate them when they tease and hit each other and take toys away. Each time she hits a toy goes bye bye for a set amount of time. (whatever you feel is right.) With my son it is usually a day to a week, depending on what he did. Anyways, with siblings, they will argue and hit each other, just be consistent. Also try and find out why she is hitting, what is she frusterated about. When she comes out of time out, sit down at her level and talk about it.

Hi,

Help your daughter with her words/expressing herself and be consistent with time-outs! My almost 3 year old daughter went through the same phase with her playmates and I found that being diligent with time-outs and really helping her find the words to express her feelings made all of the difference. It has been months since we have had any issues with hitting/snatching toys and other undesirable behavior. She is happier now, too. Having the power to express herself has really improved her confidence.

I completely disagree about spanking... You don't want her to hit, what does it teach her if you hit her? I think spanking, especially in this situation, is completely confusing to children as well as disrespectful to them.

Hang in there and know that as she gets older and her verbal skills improve the physical aggression will diminish.

My take is that it's never okay to hit. It's not okay to grab or get in somebody's face or be antagonizing, but that's an issue that should be dealt with separately with your son. I'd first go to your son and make sure he is okay. Then I'd turn to your daughter tell her hitting is not okay. I'd reinforce that grabbing is not okay either, but we do not hit... ever. She's still little and developing her "tools", but give her alternatives. At that age I'd tell her to come and get mommy. Then you can help her voice her problem... "Brother, no grabbing, please" or "Brother, stay out of my space", etc. But every time she hits it should be a trip to the corner or timeout chair or whatever you use. Then when she comes out of the time out you remind her why she was in there. I always followed up with a questions... Should we be hitting? Nooooo. Then I'd make her apologize to her brother for hitting and in turn and if necessary he should apologize for doing whatever he shouldn't have been doing either.

So, yes to timeouts for hitting every time - not on a case by case basis. Hitting is not acceptable. We keep our hands to ourselves or we take a timeout. At 2, she's not going to remember or understand that this time I got in trouble but last time I whacked him I didn't and she probably doesn't quite understand what stopping negative behavior is. So make it clear that every time you hit off to the corner you go. Don't forget to give consequences to your son if necessary too. It doesn't feel good to get hit, but it's not okay to antagonize either.

Good luck!

hey S.! you've gotten awesome advice from the other moms so i don't think there is much more i can add but plenty i'd like to reinforce :) i would agree that hitting gets a time out every time (2 yrs old IS the right age to start time outs), big brother gets one, too, if he did something antagonistic (grabbing a toy, pushing her etc), it does help to give her words to use (I'm mad, i'm frustrated, teaching her and big brother how to negotiate those moments with words) it helps to let her know that you know WHY she got upset (you're upset because brother took your toy etc), it helps to NEVER hit your kids yourself (this is a personal decision but i feel that purposefull pain should not come from us mamas and also it sets the wrong example/adds issues to "show them that it hurts" by hurting them yourself... the only time i've accidentally slapped my baby girl was a protective action on my part when she seemed to be coming in to bite me! total instinctive reaction on my part, accompanied by a loud yelp of fear and shocked us both, too, but i explained that i was sorry for slapping her, it wasn't ok, but had been scared that she was going to bite me, which was also not ok)- also, there have been times when my daughter has poked/pinched me (especially there are times she wants to try poking me WITH something - a stick, etc) when i haven't put her in a time out (in these cases because it wasn't an upset situation) but simply said that we don't do that to other people because it doesn't feel good, and when she has said "why?" i tell her to DO IT TO HERSELF, which she DOES!!!! and then says "ouch!" and learns by her own demonstration on her own self that it isn't nice!!!!!! so much of it is exploration!!!
i loved the moms advice about coloring out your feelings with crayons! this can't be done in the moment of upset, i don't think (hard to focus at the time maybe?) but is an awesome tool of self-expression for us all to teach our kids.
dad has to get on the same page, too: consistancy among parents is key!
i think you're doing just wonderful and have asked for advice at just the right time :) you sound like a marvelous mom and your hubby's gentle nature is much easier to tweak/"toughen up" (giving him the time out skills) then trying to soften a dad who OVERreacts/gets angry (yells, hits, etc) so you've got it made in the shade :)
all smiles with our shared struggles,
S.

Hi there -
You are right - hitting feels to her like her only control. The son needs to be put in timeout because he is old enough to know better. Then, your daughter should be told that hitting isn't appropriate and that it hurts and redirected to appropriate behavior. But I think your daughter might be too young to understand timeout until she is at least three. Redirecting to appropriate behavior is probably better understood. If the hitting behavior doesn't subside of increases, I would probably try time out for her but again, I think she is too young. For the four year old who knows better - definitely put him in time out - one minute for each year of his age. use an egg timer so he can hear when he's done and talk to him before he is allowed to just run up and start playing again - with just a few, clear words (they will only hear blah blah blah with too many words). Thanks and best of luck.

I didn't take time to totally read all the responses, but just wanted to mention (in case it hasn't already been said) that one key to time-outs is how they are presented. Time out for a specific period of time isn't as effective as time out that teaches the child to exercise self-control. In other words, if you put your daughter in time out for hitting her brother, put her there with words something like this: "you need to sit here until you are ready to play with your brother and not hit him." I noticed that someone mentioned putting brother in time out too if he has aggravated her into hitting, and I couldn't agree more. Both need to learn how to play together. You will also need to be very aware of when she is aggravating him and be sure he sees that both children see you are being fair to them in your discipline.

I successfully used time outs to stop my ODS from hitting. He mostly hit me, and around the same age as your child. It took a little while, but I was consistent and persistent, and it definitely worked.

Good luck...