I Can't Stand the Way My Husband Speaks to Us

Yes in my husband. It really frustrates me because we took his nieces in and he was not this way. He became disabled and is in pain, but he has no right to be this way. He is changing back but when he has a bad day, it makes me so mad. I have to not jump him or assume he is being ugly because sometimes I jump him now.

Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I don't think you can ever change anybody but yourself.

If I were you I'd get some counseling, too, to figure out how and why I picked this type of person, and what is best to do going forward.

Good luck.

if HE wants to change he can change. But it's a long hard road to change something about yourself that is innate to who you are and how you've been functioning for a long time.

Why did he go to therapy? Did he seek it out himself? Or was it at your suggestion? That will be a telltale sign.

You said "I cannot seem to forgive and forget anymore" - it's too bad you have used up all your compassion before he was ready to change. Maybe do this..... DON"T forget. instead, notice when he has a behavior change and started keeping track of when he DOESN'T get demeaning, critical, loud and out of control. Make THAT be what your brain focuses on.

I would also suggest couples counseling. In his individual therapy he is focusing on HIM. Wait about 6 months and then you both should begin seeing a couples therapist who can help you work past the damage that has been done by his behaviors and your reactions to his behavior.

I disagree with the advice to separate. Someone who is struggling to make a change needs a support system or he will surely fail. His reactions are just that..... reactions. if he is alone in a hotel or an apt, he has no dynamic with which to react.... so he can't really change his behavior and you won't really KNOW if he has changed until you get back together.
What better example for you children than to see their father change his behavior. What better model as a strong father than for his children to watch him get better. you don't say how old they are, however.... so that may make a difference.

I HAVE seen this behavior change in adults. Do you know how I know there's a chance your husband will change? He started therapy. That's huge. Perhaps you can both attend marital counseling, and you can attend individual therapy as well.

Feeling as you do right now is normal considering what you've been through, but that doesn't mean how you feel right now is permanent.

EDIT: Please don't separate. That would be a mistake. It would be like telling him to give up before he's even had a chance to make a change and make a difference, therefore why bother with therapy? Suggesting that you separate is probably the worst advice I've ever seen on this site considering that your husband is trying to change and better himself in order to better your marriage and family life.

This is an endeavor that will take two of you to accomplish. It's going to take patience and work on your part too, as well as understanding that his change won't be instantaneous or easy.

Definitely give this an expiration date. Six months to a year, but don't separate just yet. Don't tolerate being treated poorly, and if he crosses the line into abusive then by all means pack up and take the children. Call the police. I'm just saying don't give up so soon.

The fact that he is going to therapy is a very good sign. It shows that he's not happy with it either. I would recommend you get therapy as well to help you deal with the feelings that you've built up, find out how your relationship style works with his, etc. Couples counseling might be good as well. If you are BOTH coming from a place of change and healing, then yes, change IS possible.

Nothing too DARLING about this man. If YOU don't make a change your children will be growing up to be the same, especially the boys, who will disrespect women and children. You might consider asking for a six month separation while he attends therapy. If he makes no progress, you will know the next step. He should also not be allowed to have/see the children without another adult professional in parenting skills present.

Yes, he can change if he wants to. He's been this way for all of his life and it will take time for him to learn new ways of talking to people. His words and tone of voice are the visible signs of the way he feels. So, he'll also need to work on recognizing, accepting, and changing the way he feels. He will need your support as he makes these changes.

You need to be in counseling so that you can learn how to deal with the way you feel about him. It's very understandable that you'd feel hurt, angry and unwilling to forgive after 10 years of living with this. And you can also change the way you feel and thus the way you react to him.

Both of you need to be in counseling so that both of you can learn how to learn a different way of interacting with each other.

While in my twenties I learned that often people perceived me to be critical and angry. After several months of counseling I could also recognize those traits in myself. Even tho I didn't intend to be expressing anger I could see how my tone of voice and choice of words was expressing anger. Over several months I was able to gradually change my way of interacting with people. It has taken me several years to be able to be consistent in my use of positive words rather than the negative ones I learned as a child.

The first counselor asked me to read a book on co-dependency by Gay Hendricks, which helped me to realize that I was dependent on other people and angry that they let me down. I had unreasonable expectations along with anger at the way my parent's had treated me. Their intentions were good. They were unaware of their own anger at life and how it affected me. Gradually, I was able to let go of my anger which directly affected my tone of voice and choice of words.

My biological mother was ALWAYS VERY critical.... and was such an unhappy person...

Now, while your husband might bet getting therapy, it's time to ask yourself why after ten years you have put up with it? Have you ever gone to co-dependents anonymous? I think you'll find people there who can relate to your situation and who have found answers.. Maybe check out a group.. it might be just what the doctor ordered..

As for my mother... she NEVER changed.. and that's because she never chose to get help.... However, I have known others whom by working a 12 step made life-lasting changes.. Myself, included.

good luck to you

I am sorry you are unhappy. I hope it isnt too late for you two to try and work on your relationship. Sometimes the damage takes place years before and all of a sudden a person just becomes numb .... i hope he does make a change for the better.

I don't know if anybody will change but I would advise you to work on this together and it would be much better for both of you. Go to counseling together and work on it. Work hard at it because it's learned behavior and will have to either learn new behavior or unlearn the old.

yep people can change. Most people who are like this were raised with that. They do what they learned and now they have to relearn it all. I had to. It isn't easy and it can be frustrating, but you should also be going to counseling. You need to relearn how to deal with your dh. You need to learn how to cope with and handle your feelings, and how to help your kids deal with it all. This is something you need to do for you weather or not he continues in counseling. But the hope is that he will continue in counseling and will be able to make some changes. This will not happen overnight and may take years of hard work on his part. It is wonderful he has finally started going, and that is a big step and you can be supportive of it by taking care of yourself. It is so good to see a couple working on their marriage and not one or the other wanting change and no one really willing to change. Good for you and your dh for trying to work on yourselves and better yourselves and your marriage. It will not only be good for both of you but for your children as well.