Falling Out of Love

Hello
Thank you for the article. I feel the same way, my husband is very inconsiderate when it comes to my feelings. He is so distance, he has cheated on me in the past, he constantly denies it. I consulted a lawyer he does not care. I changed my mine twice from filing the divorce. I am miserable and feel hopeless. We have two children 5 years old and 20 months. I am 38 years old and work full-time.

I am in a very similar situation both in terms of my marriage, work situation and finances as well. I agree with a lot of the posts that say things can change- my marriage is in the midst of that process right now. Don't want to repeat what's already been said so here's my input:

First, this society is totally unrealistic with the depiction in the media/hollywood about marriage, and sets incredibly false expectations. Marriage is not only about love, it's about work and business- running a household, raising children. The love part is emphasized tremendously, and there's no representation of the grim reality of those other critical (more important?) parts. It sets an expectation that marriage is supposed to be orgasmic love all the time and man is that NOT the truth!! It is hard work Work WORK!! and some really rough times, sprinkled by some good times. Definitely not great times for me (yet?) and yet worthwhile in the overall scheme of things. It's been disappointing for both me and my husband, but we're addressing it now and tryingg to materialize more happiness, fun and joy in our lives

2- happiness and joy don't happen becuase of circumstances. Both are choices. This is very counter intuitive and certainly not what I expected of life. I am shocked at how hard it can be to choose to be happy, joyful and focused on fun.

3- Good things really started to happen when I changed my own behavior in my marriage. My husband didn't (and still doesn't) hear my "feelings" but he takes real notice of my actions. Last summer, at a low point for me, I decided to stop revolving my time around the household and instead started setting up playdates with other women as often as possible- leaving him to his own devices. I think he realized I was giving up on him, and that was the beginning of positive changes. So actions speak louder than words and distancing myself from my husband- rather than focusing on him and expecting appreciation- worked wonders.

4- be very careful of meeting someone else right now. This happened to me at a low point in my marriage. I was vulnerable, this other person seemed SO appreciative and interested when my husband totally didn't. It didn't go all the way, but far enough to cause a lot of damage. It seemed real to me at the time but I now see it was a complete fantasy and very destructive.

My husband and I are trying to do date nights, and I can't tell you how great this has been. It was unbelievably awkward at first, as if we were strangers, and gradually the fun came back (it took about 3-4 "dates"). It's costing us a fortune in babysitting buy it's worth every penny. Nothing is more important, and nothing is easier to fall by the wayside. you'd think that being married, everything falls into place. I am continually shocked at how hard it is.

I do fantisize about being single and I think that if I could wave a magic wand and suddenly change my circumstances, that would be sooo much easier, and I'm extremely jealous of my single friends for their freedom (certainly not for the whole dating scene- YUCH!!) but I'm sticking with it. I just need to majorly readjust my expectations because man, this is SOOO much harder than I ever thought it'd be!!

Good luck!!

It sounds like you are still angry and disappointed (rightfully so). In fact, there is no way you couldn't be VERY AMBIVALENT about your husband right now. I think the chances are low that it will work in the end, but divorce is terrible for everyone, so if you want to give it one more shot (6-12 months at the longest) than I would recommend that you BOTH be in individual and couple's treatment. I know you have tried couples treatment before but if your husband is really trying/changed now, it will be a whole new ball game. Also, all therapists are not the same. There are a LOT of bad and mediocre ones out there (psychiatrist here, with lots of psychotherapy training), so make sure you get someone highly recommended. If after a few more months you want to leave, than do it. Also, I agree with one other poster out there, love (at least the marriage kind) is not a feeling. Also things can shift over time. But, like I said, the chances are probably small so give yourself a time limit. Good Luck

I feel your pain, and I've been married less than 5 years with 2 kids. I won't get into my story, too long and complicated. My husband won't do couples therapy, says he doesn't have time. I am praying almost constantly about our situation and hope that things will change soon.

I do wish you luck. Hopefully your husband truly understands what he has done and is willing to change and work on things with you. I would say to not give up on things yet.

I didn't read the other responses (don't have time) but wanted to tell you that I went through a similar thing when my daughter was young except my husband was also abusive, both mentally and physically, and he didn't want more children. We took separate vacations and my daughter was my best friend, we went everywhere together. I had thought of leaving him but he had me convinced that I was lucky to have him and no one else would want me. When my daughter was 5 my sister died and I realized that I could not live the rest of my life this way. My husband picked up on the fact that I was starting to pull away and starting making an effort. We bought a new house, he told me we should discuss more children and he was much nicer to me. I stayed for another year and then just couldn't do it anymore so one day when he was at work I packed up and moved to my parents home a few states away. He started calling and saying he loved me and was sorry but I wouldn't speak to him. This is the sad part - OUR DAUGHTER NEVER ONCE ASKED ABOUT HIM!! Not when we left and not in the 22 years since. We got divorced and then I met someone wonderful. On the day we got married my daughter, who was 7, looked at him and said "I can call you daddy now, right?" He adopted her a year later and even though from that time on she had a great father role model she was affected by her first father. She always dated guys that were not as smart as her and who had less money than her, I think she always wants to have the upper hand because in all of her relationships she is boss. She is now married and the situation is the same. It's not terrible that she is boss and makes more money that her husband but she doesn't really have a helper, she kind of has another child. Father/daughter relationships are so important, they shape how your daughter will relate to men for the rest of her life. I wish you and your daughter good luck. Sorry about the long message, but if you want to talk further I would be happy to.

I have never been in your shoes, so can't imagine what that must feel like. However, I think all of us who are married have probably gone through periods of not feeling in love, or wondering if we made the right decision to marry this person. Love is a choice, not a feeling. The feelings are what get you to the relationship part--the rest is work. That doesn't mean you can't feel loving towards him, but it takes a little effort. Counseling is a good idea. Have you also considered a marriage retreat? My husband and I have gone on two, just in an effort to try to keep our marriage "tuned up" so to speak. They were very helpful. The most recent one we went to was called "A Weekend to Remember." There were all sorts of couples there--newly married, as well as those who were about to sign the final divorce papers, and everything in between. Go to www.familylife.com to find info on the conferences and other resources.

I agree with a few other posters that you need to spend time together and alone with your husband. To date, yes, but also to talk things through and work through your feelings. I think you owe it to yourself, and your daughter, as well as to your commitment, to give things a chance. Good luck--sending prayers and hugs your way...

Some people just don't get it till the very end and then it is too late. I have been there, it is all wonderful but as time wears on they fall back into the same pattern. It takes a lot of work not to and it is possible, anything is possible. I finally had enough. My kids were better for it because I was happier and more content and they saw that sometimes you can't compromise your integrity even for love.
Kids need to see that so when your daughter is in a relationship she will not settle for anything less than being respected and loved and have the courage to dump they guy if it is not.
Follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you.
There is nothing stopping him from being a loving Ex Husband and a great Dad.
Best Wishes in the path you choose.

Hey DF,
Lots of responses, so forgive me if this is duplicating what has already been said. I have been with my husband for 27 years and married for 23 years. There were DEFINITELY times I thought I had "fallen out of love" with him and deserved more in my life.
During those times the biggest thing that kept me in the marriage was that I was NOT willing to give up one birthday, one Christmas, one Christmas Eve, one prom night, one tuck in bed, one night of crying over the first break-up with a boy/girl, NOT ONE THING in the life of my children. Tearing apart a family will mean that you will not be first hand for some of these experiences. You will have to give some things up - be prepared for the profound hurt that will cause you. I have a divorced sister and brother and it sure doesn't look worth it to me unless he is abusive.
Now after all these years I learned a few other things. (1) You don't "fall out of love". You choose not to love any longer. Those initial feelings of love are really mostly lust, which are good/fun when you are starting a new relationship. Lust you can fall in and out of, but love is a decsion to be committed to another person through good and bad. So you should really admit you have chosen not to love him any longer, then you can decide if you want to chose to love him again. It is within your control, you are not powerless.
(2) Other than abusive situations I have NEVER seen a child better off for parents having divorced. I know this was a common theory in the last few decades, but scientists are finding it baseless in the current research. The children pay the price while the adults search out their own selfish gain. In then end everyone is just hurt and torn up. The curent research is supported by my observation of all the inumerable divorces I have seen both close up and from a distance (and probably yours too or you would not be hesitating). No doubt you will now get lots of responses saying it was the best thing some women ever did, so I will let you sort it all out!
I suppose you can tell my vote is not to split up your family, especially since your husband is willing work on it. The few comments I did read suggested that your husband might be depressed, but if you are feeling completely empty, perhaps you are also a possible sufferer of depression associated with early peri-menopause. Please take care of yourself and make a decsion you can be pleased with all your life. Take some quiet time alone, be rested and really reflect on what you want. No need to be confused - you seem like a smart, capable woman who can figure out what is best for you and your family no matter what any of us says!

I've gone through this from the perspective of the daughter, and I can tell you this - there is no benefit to a child in living with her parents if the marriage is dead. If you're unhappy, she's unhappy, so do what's best for yourself, and if you truly feel no love for your husband, then get divorced and find happiness. However, never ever forget he's your daughter's father, and never alienate him from that role. Sounds like you understand the importance of that. I think you're family will be fine. Good luck. I wish you lots of happiness.

Hi DF,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm in a similar situation...been married 10 years, don't have FEELINGS of love for my husband, but here's the thing. We are taught in this country to think that love is a feeling. That is only a small part of what love is. Love is an action more than anything. I am fully committed to my marriage because it is a promise that I made 10 years ago. I have 5 beautiful children and a husband who works hard so that I can stay home and raise them. I know that feelings ebb and flow, but loving actions can be done daily to improve our relationship.

This is my recommendation to you...watch the movie Fireproof with your husband. It is about a couple who is going through a very similar problem. Then, purchase the book The Love Dare (a prop in the movie) and go through the challenge presented in the book. If that doesn't change your perspective, I'd be very surprised. The movie and book are from a Christian perspective, so if you are not a Christian you might be inclined to shy away from them. Don't. Trust me (a complete stranger!) on this one. It will be worth your time. You can fall back in love with your husband!

Sounds like your husband is trying and that is a real positive here. I wish you all the best.

D.
36 year old mother of 5 with one more on the way

DF A,

My dear, it will take a long time. Prayer, work, faking it, whatever it takes, forgiveness is hard, but necessary, even if you follow through with your original plans. That being said, it is not impossible. If you wish this to work, it will. At least he has not been unfaithful (that you know of?) and worse.

That being said, be careful. A sudden turnaround can mean worse things, and while your husband may not be capable of them, knowing enough to be careful and watchful while trying to rebuild what you have can save your marriage also.

One does not FALL out of love. Love is a work of art, but it is work. It is sometimes pleasurable, it is sometimes easy. Sometimes it is very, very hard to work around the vows we took at the altar, and continue to love the person we married. There are six vows, not 3 (in sickness, and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse). You said I do to all of them. (nevermind that he said I do to all of them also - you didn't sign up for what you received, granted, but when did he start to be miserable to you and your family?)

If he is truly on the up-and-up, you may well find that you have resurrected your marriage by simply saying - enough is enough. Standing up for yourself is good for your marriage, yourself AND your little girl - it teaches her that marriage is not supposed to be like this, and to stand up to someone who treats her this way (and leave if it does not stop - or find someone who does not do this in the first place). It is the education of your little girl that is first and foremost your priority - if you think about things - your happiness comes secondary to hers, and if she is learning incorrectly how relationships are to be carried out - how much of a disservice is your husband, and indirectly you - what will her life be like in her future?

Good luck!
M.

Before you make any decisions, consider the possibility that your husband's behavior over the last eight years could be due to depression. Depression in men (including low-grade depression called dysthymia) is often characterized more by irritability and anger than sadness and crying. Many men (and their spouses) are completely unaware that what they are experiencing is actually depression. Being married to someone who is depressed is very difficult, and certainly not fun or romantic, but if he is depressed he is suffering too. It would be important for him to be evaluated by a qualified therapist to determine what really is going on with him emotionally and what kind of treatment he might benefit from. This would ideally be done in addition to couples therapy -- you both need individual support as well as someone (separate) to help you work on your marriage. I know you said you went to couples counseling twice -- did you mean two sessions or two periods of time? If it was just two sessions, that is not nearly enough to result in long-term change. Since your husband is showing that he wants to do things differently, this would be a good time to try counseling again. And it is wonderful that your daughter is empathic and caring, but please don't rely on her for the support you are not getting from your husband. I'm sure she would love to see her parents back as the loving individuals they were in the past - with the normal ebbs and flows that marriage brings - so please consider seeking treatment for both you and your husband before making any decisions that cannot be reversed. Good luck and take care.

If you had feelings of love once, you can get them back. It's natural for a woman to feel somewhat less loving as hormone levels drop off too so don't expect the same kind of feelings like when you first met. That would be unrealistic and those feelings always wane with age. Typically we should settle into deeper comfort zone.

Rather than going to a therapist to vent which is only focusing on the negative feeling, try seeing an EFT practitioner who can do more good in one session than years of psychotherapy would do. You will be able to eliminate the negative feelings toward your husband. Do this really soon. At some point he's just not going to be nice anymore if he gets no response from you. Forgive him. EFT works. If you can't find a practitioner near you, do it yourself. Directions on www. emofree .com

The book You can be Happy no Matter What was a life-saver for our marriage. It's very easy and quick to read but has some very profound truths in it that you may not have figured out yet. Whether alone or together, it will help you. From the author of the Don't Sweat the Small Stuff series.

Hi, I don't have the time to read through all the responses posted since there are so many ( my 7 month old has a fever). I actually went online to find a different pediatrian and I landed on mamasource for some recommendations and saw your post. I wanted to give you my thoughts for what it is worth. I think you will find that the majority of women have gone through or are going through similar situations. The missing ingredient in your marriage is God. I have been there with the emptiness, feeling absolutely no emotion towards your spouse, visualizing yourself in a different life. I received a wake up call through the intercession of the Virgin Mary. Since then I have been given the opportunity to see life through a new set of eyes. I thank God every day for not giving up on me because I have never felt so happy, complete and with purpose. God never intended for us to be unhappy. We do that to ourselves by the choices we make. If you seek, you shall find. You will receive the graces you need to change your life. I don't know your religious background but I will pray for you. I am a Catholic and here to help you find God if you want to try. I have in past years tried counseling but it never helped me the way I have been helped through my faith. To me, your faith, should be the center of your life and everything else will fall into place. Yes, there will be trials and tribulations but you will start to understand that we all need to go through hardships to be strengthen, etc. I guarantee you, though, if you pray you will never feel empty, alone, confused, etc. The heavens above never fail/abandon us, we fail/abandon them. I have a pilgrim statue that I can bring to your house for a week of the Blessed Mother under the devotion of Maria Rosa Mystica. You can email me at ____@____.com to just talk more or to receive Our Blessed Mother. I am here if you want the help. My name is J.. God Bless You.

You have obviously lost your trust of this man, your respect of this man and most of all can you FORGIVE this man. He has worn you down, and put you in this place and you are super protective. You can only stay if you can figure out if you can forgive him. It has to be deep down forgiveness from the depth of your soul. You also have to forgive yourself. You probably have a lot of self loathing perhaps for letting yourself live in a situation so long. Resentment can be a hard thing to shake. There is no easy solution I am afraid best of luck.

Hi,

I have some idea of what you are going through, as that was part of what I dealt with at the end of my first marriage. As soon as my then husband saw that I was seriously contemplating divorce, he begged me not to, told me he loved me and would be the person I married.

I guess for me, there was only one thing that worked: I had to stop listening to his words and looking at his behavior over time. What has your husband done to show commitment to the marriage? Is he willing to go for individual counseling? What actual behavior has changed? Another possibility is to separate for a while and see where you are then.

What do you need to see happening on a consistent basis to feel good about staying in your marriage? Are you getting that or do you have any reason to believe you will? The answers to those questions will probably help you figure out what you want to do.

Good Luck!

J.

Dear DF,

I was in a relationship much like yours. My first husband was mean, nasty, demanding, un-pleasable. I took my wedding vows very seriously and tried to make it work. He refused to go to counselling, saying that there was nothing wrong with him, he was fine. If I had a problem, though I should go. He would from time to time change and do all the things I'd been asking for, but it would only last for about a month before the ugly side of his personality took over again. We never had children, so when the marriage finally ended I was relieved to get away from him and never have to deal with him again. Its so sad that some people are kinder to strangers than to the people they are supposed to cherish the most.

My first reaction is to say that people don't change, however, I noticed a few differences in you relationship. Your husband agreed to go to counselling, which is great. The other is that it sounds like he's been on good behavior for a year, that's very impressive.

You have been hurt by this man for many years. It will take time to trust him again. I would recommend continuing the counselling for now, for your daughter's sake. How is your daughter with him now? Is it also hard for her to trust him to be kind to you?

Follow your gut feeling.

Good luck.
R.

DF A,

It sounds like you and your husband are trying very hard to put your marriage on track. I was divorced when my son was 19 months old and then was fortunate to remarry when he was three and have been remarried ever since. We have a wonderful blended family we have a daughter together as well. My son has accepted him as his dad and he refers to him as his dad (his dad does not see him, by his choice) Many people who see us together would never guess we are a blended family because of the closeness that we all share. i know how rare that is and how lucky I am because blended family's can also be very difficult and have a very high failure rate. However, my ex was verbally abusive, did not want children, came from a horrible up bringing so I knew after I married him I made a huge mistake (of course my parents warned me but I didn't listen) I would never tell anyone to live with someone they do not love and as you can see my situation was completely different. So my advice is please please do not throw in the towel just yet. Your husband sounds like he really does love you and wants this marriage to work. Please do not think the grass is greener on the other side. Divorce does hurt children it is not easy. My son was so young and although he loves my husband he still is missing something in his life without his biological dad in his life. Being alone is not easy, even if you can afford to it can still be a lonely life. One thing you did not mention is alone time. It may feel awkward at first but try to plan a weekend away with just the two of you. Make a plan to go out every Saturday night together just to reconnect. Even if you do not have sex there are many other ways to be intimate just like when you first started dating. Sometimes when resentment builds up it can disguise the love you once felt. When you are angry it can cloud many of your feelings. If you try all of this without your daughter just you two and you still feel the same way then go through with the divorce. At least you can always tell yourself that you had no choice. Do not feel guilty it takes two to make a marriage work, and that is what it is continuous work. You sound like you are so torn so just try to relax make some fun plans and go for it. Just one more bit of advice if you do not mind. I know you are close to your daughter and that is wonderful so please, please, do not make her your confidant always remember he is her daddy and no matter how you feel about him she will always love him as her daddy. I was put in that position when I was young and it really did damage to my relationship with my dad to this day. Good luck I hope things work out for you.

Please forgive me if this sounds heartess - I've never ben where ou are. Hopwever, if your husband is now kind, caring and a good role model, isn't it better for your daughter if you stay together? Stsrt small - be grateful that he's still in love with the 40-year old you! Does he love your daughter? That's good, too! Start with gratitude, and pray as hard as you can. A family is a sacred thing, and needs a lot of work to keep it together.

The fact that the two of you have kept it together this long is a testament to both of your patience and hard work, so good job on that!

The exact same situation has happened to a close friend of mine so I would like to tell you to give it a try and get counseling together but I know where you are at. I have lived through this emotional roller coaster everyday with her. It is awful. Unfortunately, I think this happens A LOT when one person is unhappy they try to convey that to their spouse. If the spouse does not take it seriously it will ruin the relationship. Are you sure that you could not fall back in love with him? Have you considered seperating and then dating to see what happens? A sort of fresh start. Best wishes and I hope you find your answers.

Dear DF A

Please get the movie Fireproof. You may be thinking how is a movie going to change your life? But, just watch it. I would love to hear your thoughts after you have watched it.
Warmly,
D.

I am sorry to hear that your are feeling this way. I haven't gone through this personally, but my parents went through it after 25 years of marriage- following several deaths in our family they just couldn't support eachother emotionally anymore. Couples counseling was a waste for them b/c there was "too much" to go over, but they both went for individual counseling with the same therapist who gave them things to work on. She suggested that they not focus on their children (three of us) for a while and focus on eachother- go out to dinner, movies, art shows, etc. They were both tired and angry, but not necessarily with eachother. After that many years, though, they fell into a habit of unloading their frustrations on one another and it took a toll.

It took about a year, but they are happier together now than I have seen them in at least 15 years. They spend time together and keep up on our lives, but have made eachother the focus, not their children. Probably easier b/c we were all over 16 at the time, but worth considering.

Suggest that your husband get involved with a counselor to find out why he has acted in such a disrespectful manner. Genuine change only happens when the individual is committed to a long-term adjustment in thought and behavior.

Good luck!

Wow, I hope things are working out for you. I commend you on your courage. I didnt read the other responses: just your post, but I wish I had the courage to make a more like this. Be really glad that you can afford to. I wish I could and I think that's what keeps me stuck. Maybe one day I will get to this point for now.....

The advice i have for you is think about your daughter she is seeing all of this and she knows you dont want her to think this is all there is to marriage. It is hard to get out especially after so long but hey you need to do what is best for your daughter. I have left my husband and it was hard still is hard and i dont have the means to support us financaily i depend on the child support and actually now my ex and i get a long much better so my advice is think about what your relationship is telling your daughter about marriage and love.

I agree with the last post. It sounds like you don't trust that his behavior will last. Completely understandable. I'm in a similar situation with a man I have a daughter with but never married (though I thought we would). I got to a point where I had "had it" with his behavior and was impervious to his subsequent charm. The turning point was: I realized I no longer believed in the relationship.

If you feel you do believe in your relationship, then there's grounds to keep going. If your husband will commit to his own self improvement (e.g.therapy) and you can really see he is working on the relationship, then there is every reason to think things could be different. In short, things won't change unless one of both of you changes. If that change is going on, then give it some time to see how it works out!

No one should make a decision while in a confused state...So, slow down.

In terms of your husband...change takes hard work and time, it doesn't come over night. He doesn't want to loose you so yes, he's now on his best behavior...treating you nicely which of cause is what you expected and wanted from him to begin with.. Ask him to find a good therapist for himself to work on his inner issues on a weekly bases. No games, he needs to figure out for himself what kind of man he wants to be..what's really important to him...and how to nurture it.

I also think you should tell your lawyer you are in a confused state of mind at this point and want him to put your case on hold until you clear your head and will get back to him....

Keep assuring your daughter that everything is going to be fine, that she's not to worry...or think any of the situation is her fault...Let her know that both you and her Daddy love her very much.

Think about putting some space between you and the situation....explain to your husband you need some space to think. Go on a short vacation or go some place you might enjoy for a weekend...either go alone or ask a friend to go with you. See if that helps and how you feel when you get back.

If you are still confused, ...I would consider asking your husband to move out so you can have more space and time to think things out.....if he can't afford it, suggest he make arrangements to go stay with family or a close friend for awhile. ((It was his behavior that created the situation so let him make the move...you and the child stay put..)))) Once he finds a place to be, set some ground rules with him over the time he wants to spend with your child be it mid-week or weekends...but with her, not as a family. Talk over the money you might need to get the bills paid...the car etc...anything that might keep either of you uncomfortable or might become an issue while parted....Set a time limit on the seperation with him and be firm about him being in therapy working on his inner issues. After a few weeks of being on your own, call your husband and ask him out on a date. Date him for a while see how you feel about him then. If the relationship feelings right to you then, have him come home. But let him know he's to be good to you and your daughter...he's got to share in all the responsibilities of the home and the relationship with you....and that his therapy should continue. Give it time and see how it goes....hopefully you'll see, and feel, and experience him differently and fall in love with him all over again..

Then decide what you want to do and let your lawyer know what that decision is.

Praying for your inner peace and what ever you decide to do I hope all works out well for you.

If you really love your husband, and you think he is trying, really trying to change for the better, than why not give him some more time to change? I believe you mentioned you both tried marriage counseling twice, well it took how long for the marriage to go flat?, for lack of a better term.. but what I am getting at is I think you should go to marriage counseling more than twice. Maybe get your daughter to go as well, so he can truly see how his lack of being there has effected her as also.It will take longer to get it your marriage back up and running. If I were you, I would give your husband time to correct what he has done wrong, and to change for the better. If after a reasonable amount of time, he cannot do it, then leave him. I only say this b/c I know that some of us tend to react fast to situations that are not in our favor, especially when our children are involved.. but just give it more time. Unless he is abusive in anyway toward you or your daughter.. Hope this helps. Take care.