Should I Attend Support Group for Marriage Problems?

L., will he go to a brief focused solution therapist? That means that you contract for a specific amount of sessions and then you are done.

Here is the person who is the best in the Chicagoland area... he wrote the book for therapist (which I was).
John Walters
Office on Thome in Chicago

M.
www.children-and-divorce.net

MEN ARE FROM MARS!! WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS!! Try giving the book a read. I was having serious problems communicating and learned so much about how men handle things differently from us. We get along SOOOOO much better now and I've gotten better at how to ask for support and help from him and actually succeed. The more you push them to talk when they are not ready the more they pull away, for example. While women need to talk, men need to be alone to work out their problems, unless they ask for help. It belittles him when you don't let him do so. If you let him go to his "cave", he'll come back on his own.
The book also has some really good ways for getting over the anger and resolving conflicts, like writing the "love letter".
Wishing you a great marriage,
N.

I would suggest the book Divorce Busting my Michelle Weiner Davis. It's written in a way that talks about how one spouse can make a difference when it feels like the other spouse isn't working as hard. I agree I don't know about a support group that you wouldn't go to together. I would feel like that would separate my husband and I as well.

Hi L.. I completely understand what you are going through. It's frustrating to be the only one 'pulling' for the marriage. First off, you need to pray about it. Pray, pray, pray!!!! Pray about your marriage, pray for your husband, pray for yourself!!! After all, God is the creator of marriage!
Secondly, I would go to the support group - I've been considering going to one myself (my husband is also not interested in going at all). You won't hurt your marriage by going. Maybe when he sees you going maybe he'll take an interest in going. Maybe you will learn something new about yourself, or about your husband (even if he's not there). Maybe someone else will have suggestions for you that might help to get him to open up more. Maybe you'll meet a friend or 2. Or maybe you'll feel like you're wasting your time, and don't want to go back. In any case, you'll never know till you try it out, and at the very least you can say that you are making an effort to save your marriage.
Thirdly, I don't know if you are into reading at all, but I have read a few books that have helped me out a little. "Traits of a Lasting Marriage" by Jim and Sally Conway had some good information. "The Power of a Positive Wife" by Karol Ladd is awesome - I know you feel like you aren't the one that needs to do any changing, but sometimes just by changing your attitude and how you say things can help in these situations - there are some great suggestions in that one. I'm also reading "Marriage Takes More than Love" by Jack and Carole Mayhall and "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman - a friend just loaned me that one, so I haven't gotten into it yet, but it looks good.
I hope that some of this helpes - Good Luck to you, your husband, and your marriage!

Hi,
I guess the first question I would ask myself is if there is a reason for my husbands "foul moods"? Does he have a drinking problem? Does he have a mood disorder ie: Dipolar Disorder or even depression? If the answer is yes or maybe to one of those, then I would suggest going to an Al-Anon meeting if he has a drinking problem or definitely going to talk to someone about the possibility that he has a mood disorder. If the answer is No, I still think you need to take care of yourself, in turn you will be taking care of your son. The benefit of an anonymous support group is just that. You can feel free to discuss things that you may not be able to tell a friend or family member. Ideally, going to counseling as a couple would be great. Best of luck. Things can work out, as I have been through similar issues with my husband.

A little about me:

I am a mother of 2 wonderful girls, ages 6 and 8.

Hi L.,
Been there done that! DH would go into a mood and I would walk on egg shells trying to figure outwhat was going on. A couple of years ago we had a big bblow out and he left our vacation went home and moved out.2 days after I returned home from holiday he arrived at the door and said he didn't know the answer but lets go to counseling and try and fix this. We did. Now I know I am saying we did, but I can tell you I learned so much about myself, and more importantly right and wrong ways to communicate and listen. Of course he learned too, bu even if I had gone alone I would have benefitted tremendously. If you get the right counselor you will grow so much from it. We are now leaps and bounds ahead of where we were. The children have been through it all and they can see tha relationships take work.

Hi L.,

I'm sorry that you are struggling, but you're not alone. Marriage is work and it is never a 50/50 partnership. I recommend you read the book The Power of a Praying Wife by (Stormy Martin)?. I don't know where you are on your faith journey, this book is from a christian prospective. You said you felt you were fine, but the book stresses change always starts with ourselves. It could be just as simple as how you react to your husband during the mood swings. I was in my earlier years of marriage a nagger and very critical of my husband. The book changed how I respond to my husband. I truly believe if we want a sold relationship with our spouse, we have to ask God. I have lead marriage studies at my church and we are so amazed with the results.
I've been married almost 16 years and I'm now going into this mentor role because of all the experiences I've had. I'm the mother of 6 children 5 girls and 1 boy. Our son has Down syndrome. I would offer it is fine for you to go to talk to someone, but I would caution that you not go to a group that is for married couples. Those groups are generally designed to allow couples time to talk about issues and openly share problems with other couples who are willing to work through them. I would further only seek a counselor with a Biblical view on marriage. The world is changing and so are the views on marriage. God's view has never changed. It is very easy to misguided. I have counseled quite a few women about marriage and I'm not an expert, but God brought you two together and He will get you through this rough patch. Guys don't generally share all their problems or what they need from us and that is OK because God already knows exactly what you both need. His mood swings are nothing to guess at and I want to make sure you feel safe. Your husband could just be under a lot of pressure from work or he could have a medical condition like bi-polar. Your lives are in a big change now as you both focus on your baby boy. I have seen many marriages including my own struggle after children. I know a great counselor in the Gurnee area (Holly Sheahan) or you could always go talk to a pastor from your church.
I pray what I have shared with you is both a comfort and a help. Fell free to reach out anytime.
J. H.

Hey L.,
I can totally relate to what you're going through. Its tough to have to go outside a relationship and look for support but for me I have found it to be greatly beneficial. There are all sorts of support groups out there and I'm sure you can find one that suits you. I like codependent annonymous meetings especially because they teach me what part I play in the circle of my relationship. When I am aware, I can then choose to participate or not when my sig. other is having a moment. Because of my support group I have been able to make healthier decisions for myself and my son in these situations. Before I didn't even know I had choices I just felt stuck. There is tons of people going through the same thing you are and I think once you tap into this collective energy, you'll feel alot less lonely and stuck...I know I do anyway. :) Oh and a little prayer asking how to get started never hurt me either. Feel free to contact me if you like- ____@____.com.
Blessings,
J.

Do what you need to take care of yourself. There's a saying about marriage counseling: "If your husband won't go, then go without him". If you're focusing on YOUR feelings -- not what he's doing/not doing -- then you're not going behind his back, you're owning your own stuff.

Good luck!

This website could be your 'saving grace'! Check it out and sign up for a weekend together...

We have been married for over 35 years! Most of that time was very happy thanks to our Marriage Encounter commitment!

http://www.wwme.org/

I am going to recommend the best book to you that I've ever read. It's called "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. I am not exaggerating when I say this book changed my life. I am going to get a little philosophical here - so bear with me...

First let me say - I feel for you tremendously. What you are going through is very difficult, but the one thing you must embrace before you go any further is that you are responsible for your own happiness. Once you accept this and determine that you are willing to do the work to get that happiness, the rest will come to you.

As the book explains, we are all on a path to true happiness, but what are we doing "in the meantime"? If you are unhappy then you must do something about it! You can't wait for your husband to get on board, even if you feel like he is a big part of the problem. Go to support groups if this will help you or even to counseling on your own. Sometimes in relationships, we are not both running at the same pace. It's ok if one of us falls behind, as long as the other person is still running too. But if that person begins to walk or stops moving at all, we owe it to ourselves to keep on running.

Read this book. It will give you new insights into your self, your husband, and anyone else you have a relationship with. You'll see things in such a different light. As the author explains, we are all moving through life's house with a goal of getting to the top floor where true happiness lives. People in the basement are unhappy but don't even know it. Poeple on the first floor are unhappy and but don't know why. On the second floor, figure out why and on the third floor you learn what to do about it. You then begin to do what needs to be done, and continue doing it until you make it to the top - happier than you've ever been.

It sounds to me like you are living on the second floor - you know why you are unhappy but you don't know what to do about it. Don't stop looking for those answers just because your husband doesn't want to do the work. You owe it to yourself to keep on running. Do the work! Hopefully he'll start running again with you - even if you have to drag him along at first.

I hope this has helped and I hope I don't sound preachy! But I've been where you've been and I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel! You'll see : )

L. go to the support group just for that...support. I'm married with two kids and work a full-time job, it get's crazy sometimes, but I have friends, family and church. You need some sense of support because marriage is not what you see in magazines,books or movie. As I go through I'm learning more about it each day. Stay prayerful!!!

I guess I'd have to ask more questions before I could really recommend something. I know a ton of people have recommended counseling, and there are many, MANY types of counseling. It really depends on exactly what is going on.

You say he's in a foul mood a lot. If he is being abusive - physically, verbally, emotionally, etc, you need to act before it gets worse. If he is hurting you or your child in any way, you need to take immediate steps to protect yourself & your child. This can be filing a police report, contacting a lawyer, crisis counseling, etc.

You mentioned you know some of the triggers, but it seems like not all. If any of those triggers are drugs or alcohol, no matter how good your intentions are, it's unlikely you'll be able to resolve this on your own. In that type of situation, HE needs to get help. You cannot get it for him. Sadly, it's often not until they hit rock bottom that they look for help, or admit there is a problem.

Now, if he's not nearly as bad as all this (hopefully!) then yes, marriage counseling, or even one on one counseling for you can help. It can help to open the lines of communication, and somewhat explain the differences in how men & women deal with various things. You can inquire at your church if you are active there, or ask your Dr for a referral to one. There are a lot listed in the phone book as well.

Good luck, and stay safe!

L., I totally agree with the other responses and also wanted to offer my perspective. I am actually in my second marriage; the first time around I stuck out an abusive marriage for 5 years until one day I was d-o-n-e and walked out; never ever looking back. Thankfully we did not have children. (He was mostly verbally abusive, but those hands could fly too; it started before we were married actually.)

This time around I went in with my eyes open and darting around waiting for signs of "bad stuff." All was wonderful until we had kids. After we had 2 kids in 2 years and one of them had a medical birth defect, our marriage started to deteriorate. LOTS of stress, naturally. However, what my husband finally was able to verbalize (having gone to counselling which was not particularly helpful since the counsellor took "my side") was that *I* had changed. My entire existance shifted from living "for him" to living "for the kids." I accidentally shifted him out because I'd thought that good mommies focused everything on their kids. I didn't mean it, and I didn't mind that he did the same because it was fulfilling for me. But men are different than women. And they don't have the words that we do to get in touch with their feelings and share them. (Nor do they care to do so like women do...we talk to our moms, sisters, coworkers, and friends to get it off our chest and to get advice.)

I am sorry to have to say that you're going to have to take a long, hard look at YOU. As the other posters have said, the only thing you can change in your life is YOU. Nothing you do will change your husband. If you are lucky, he'll respond to your positive changes, but in the end you must make yourself happy and strong.

The book about the love languages (The Five Love Languages, maybe, can't remember the title) was a great book for us. It really helped DH see the differences in us as well as me and I was able to paraphrase it to him so he didn't have to read the whole book. He does not love to read LOL. I also did a TREMENDOUS amount of work in a book study/support group based on the books "Fearless Living" and "Fearless Loving" by Rhonda Britten. (website is www.fearlessliving.org, where you can find groups) and what I learned is that *I* was a big problem. I was critical, I was trying to "survive" instead of "live" and gosh yeah, it was destroying my marriage.

My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, and our marriage isn't either. We're still growing and learning but it's so much better and not only am *I* happier, so is he. All based on the work *I* did for myself. (I continue to focus on it; it's a constant shift in thinking!)

As others have advised you, stay away from complaining groups or groups that focus on couples. Get yourself in a great place and see what happens. Also, stop whining about it to your friends and family. (I don't intend that to sound mean, but we're females, we whine a bit about the things that go wrong in our lives, particularly men!) That just feeds on itself. You certainly do need support, don't get me wrong, but make sure it is positive support.

Good luck!

aaaahh...this takes me back to when I was married and had to deal with Mr. Foul Mood. His foul moods were generally caused depression, drug and/or alcohol use - you dont say what the genesis of his is, could be any or none of the above, but the main thing here is that he does not seem to want do deal with this "elephant in the room" as much as you do. Mine would take me to counselling to "fix" ME, and then he would drop out if it was suggested that any of his problems were actually his! What I did not do at the time was go get some help on my own. I was in the same spot, I had a toddler girl, and did not want to stir the pot too much. So I waited things out (thinking he would straighten up on his own - haha) and soon I had a 9 year old and was in the same spot....so I did seek out a group . I found that I was not alone and that I had to make some decisions (or I would be sitting here now- with a 21 year old, unhappy with someone who will not cooperate..... whatever results: getting help for yourself is a GOOD thing,because whatever is going on within youself will unltimately be passed down to your child with your action or inaction. It is not up to you to fix the situation! It takes 2 to work on a relationship, and you cannot do the whole thing yourself! It can't get any more divisive than it is right now! good luck!

Hello L.,

It is admirable that you want to take responsibility for a healthy working marriage and communication system.
I have found that working on myself and instituting the changes that I need to be an emotionally healthy person has allowed my husband to change. Each partner needs to take responsibility for themselves before they can work together.

I found a self discovery system that changed my life and my the balance of my family. It has become part of my life style and life's passion. It is called SELF ACCEPTANCE TRAINING. As a matter of fact, this weekend I participated in an S.A.T. weekend workshop.

I began by hosting the facilitator and the workshop 9 years ago and now I am a facilitator of this work for others.

I continue to work through my own process and it is rewarding to have others comment on how wonderful the changes are in my relationship and our household.

I encourage you to take a step towards letting go of expectations that there is anything that you can do to "fix" something that brings your husband into a place of displeasure. There is a fine line between support and co-dependency.

SELF ACCEPTANCE TRAINING teaches tools to be in your truth and feel your emotions without fear or fear of judgement.
Judgement colors a situation and changes the perspective of a reality. Have you ever found yourself saying something that you think that the other person wants to hear and then having that person get angry at you.... and all you wanted to do was please them? The truth is that when someone isn't in their truth then miscommunication and resentment rears its head.

You mentioned your child and how these moods and environment can affect him. This work has also changed my son's life. I can work with him and teach him tools for moving through frustration and situations at school with teachers and peers.

My suggestion is to take care of yourself first. Be in your truth and your husband will want to step up to be part of your life and your son will always know that he is safe with you. The changes don't happen overnight, it takes hard work.

Another way of looking at this challenge is that this experience could be a mirror. What if your husband's mood is really all about you and your potential for growth, an opportunity for you to move ahead to become the person you are meant to be?

I wish you good fortune with what ever steps you decide to take! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to look at the road I have traveled with so much appreciation and satisfaction.

Hi L.,
We've been there, a very similar story.. and now we are in a better place. We attended 'marriage rebuilders' in our church. This is a bible based support group that help us to open our eyes to understand the basic of marriage, the key to communicate, to understand, forgive, learn to listen, etc. A group of people who wants a better marriage. It's recommended to attend as a couple, but many attend without their spouse.
My husband was reluctant to participate before, but we ended up joined for 2 sessions and still wanting more. It really helps us to know and understand each other better. This is the cheapest and non-intrusive counseling I've ever found. You can ask for input, but you can also just sit still and be a listener.
There are other couples also that almost got divorce and has been able to save their marriage after participated in this program, and even become a group leader now. Maybe your church has similar program. in my church this program only for spring and fall session, but there is a similar program for summer.
This is the website from our church:
http://communitychristian.org/ministries/cthej/81-marriag...
http://communitychristian.org/ministries/cthej.
Oh yeah, hang in there and keep praying.

C.

My daughter once tried counseling with marriage problems and it seemed to have made it a lot worse. It seems there is always one more at fault which angers that person even more. If he tried it and stopped it should be obvious he doesn't care to resolve it as much as you do. You can't fix it alone and if he is not working along with you to correct the problems and open up then I say get out now before you waste too many years and end up split anyways. I don't know how old you are which tends to make a difference in your decission because of knowledge but one thing I can say is you cannot change your husband. You can only change yourself and decide what you want out of life for you and your biggest priority...Your Son. You don't want to miss out on enjoying what you have with your son because you are too focused on fixing a marriage. You don't want him growing up in a household where there is nothing but arguing or not speaking at all. A child deserves a happy life and if it's only you to make it happen then so be it. I know a split always hurts especially when there are children but it can many times be healthier for the kids. Maybe even try a temporary seperation.

Ok I did not read all the responses but I have to say there is more then one side to this situation in that-no, you can't fix it alone, but Yes-you can and should get help for yourself. And yes, you changing and growing can and will impact your marriage. Not by trying to change him but by changing how you respond etc. and knowing better where your boundries are etc. That will be a healthy thing for you no matter what happens in your marriage. That doesn't mean (as Cornelia H. accused everyone of saying), that you are responsible for the problems. But that you want to take responsibility for your own self esteem etc. And that will probably benefit you and your marriage. Of course it would be ideal if hubby would take himself off to counseling. But he won't so you have to take the next step which is for YOU. If nothing else it gives you somewhere to talk, get support and get a better idea of what you need to do. All the best of luck to you.

I think support groups are good only if they are organized through a church or counseling center.
If your husband is willing Catholic Social Services in McHenry has some great counselors and amount you pay is on a sliding scale. My husband and I went for a short time because of problems with his family. It was wonderful. It opened up my husbands eyes to how much his step mother was manipulating him and how he need to change. The counselor gave use really great help and we will soon be celebrating 24 years married.

Best of Luck
S.

Hi L.,
First I must say I totally understand!! My husband and I have been married for almost 14 yrs I felt the "I'm the only one working at this marriage" and the "he has to change" Counceling with the right enviorment can help extremely, but there is also another avenue to think about... even though you want to grow together and make things better, ultimately the only person you can change is YOU. This was VERY hard for me to swallow!! But do what you need to do that is going to be best for you and your son, and the blame game doesn't help anyone. Talk to him explain what you are feeling, with out placing blame (he may hear blame all on his own) then approach him with your plan to help everyone be happier. If he doesn't want to go then that just means he's not ready, and begin to work on your own personal growth. It was amazing to me, when I started growing personally, and didn't wait for someone to grow with me, how much happier the entire family is. You can't go wrong with personal growth!!
Just make sure that you sit down in a non-judgemental conversation and say something like "you know, I have noticed you aren't as happy... is there something that we can do to change that...." if he gets defensive then try to find out why. Then in another conversation you could approach him with how you want to be a better person and contribute more to your life, marraige, child and that you are going to work on personal growth like books, seminars, counceling, and ask him if he would like to join you. You can only change 1 person and that person is yourself. BUT when you start to grow everyone around you will start to notice and change with you. My family is so much happier since I started working on ME, and I'm also a lot happier, stronger, more confident all of that gets passed on to your family.

I wish you luck! And I hope this helps.
S.

I let go of a lot of resentment upon accepting I CHOOSE to take on the responsibility of of the 'feelings' in our marriage. I pushed for us to go to counseling & at first he refused so I went on my own. Once he saw how it helped me he agreed to go too.
We also had a powerful experience through a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend. It is a weekend retreat at a hotel where you both will learn useful communication skills. I signed us up & told him this was my birthday gift.
Wishing you peace.

Hi L.,

Your story touches my heart in a very personal way. I too know what you are going through, since I have been dealing with very similar issues for the past 11 years of my marriage. My suggestion is that you seek counseling or get into a support group for YOURSELF - if he is not willing to get it as a couple. This is about you and your son. Life is to short to play guessing games and your son does not need to be exposed to the unhappiness either. If you are upset, mad or hurt, it will be a reflection of your upbringing and standards towards your son. Believe me, I have a 8,7 and 6 year old and I can see the traits I have set in their little minds by my unhappiness. My husband and I are now in counseling and he is also seeking group counseling for his own habits. It has made a world of difference and the kids are so happy to see us "happy." THAT IS THE WAY A HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD BE. I know there will always be issues. We are created that way "as a couple" to work things out and grow stronger. You do not need to do this alone. Groups and possibly counseling for yourself will help you to deal with his personality or at least help you to find ways to cope. If not... This relationship with that you are now having with you husband will be considered the "NORM" and so will your baby boy. Get help my friend. You deserve it. Your son deserves a happy mom!

Good luck. You can e-mail me if you'd like. God be with you!

Lisa K.

I fully understand your feeling that you have to do all the work but leaving it as is, is making you unhappy. counseling may help you to feel better. Also if you find a good counselor or therapist, you may then want to see if your husband will also go.
with regards to fighting at home, you may want to read up on preventing depression in children. the number one risk factor is fighting parents. I found the book "the Optimistic child" very helpful. I would share that info with your husband and discuss how you both are going to deal with these interactions in a way that minimizes exposure to your child.
Good luck

I can only tell you about what happened to me to help you decide. Sometimes we have to do what is best for us and not think about the outcome. You worry because if you go it could become divisive. Go if you really think it will help you.It has to help you, because I found we cannot change anyone else.
I went to many counselors and groups years ago.I originally didn't know this: My husband had obsessive-compulsive disorder, was depressed, schizoid and was in a foul mood almost all the time. We discovered that later... I kept thinking going for help would stop him. He stopped being that way on meds. Then he decided he felt so good so he would stop the meds and it was a vicious cycle. Flashforward now, we went through a horrible divorce and I married someone and am happily married to him for over thirteen years. But even as happy as I am there is always that original love for my first husband and I wonder what would have happened if I had hung in there. People do all sorts of things sometimes not what you or I would do. In my case the solution was divisive based upon a lot of coaching from people like counselors who I thought knew so much more than I. At the time I left it never occurred to me that marriage is about waiting it out and sometimes there are solutions right in front of our noses. I do not mean waiting it out if he so emotionally or physically abusive that you need to move to another island, but if he is sad or crabby you are married for better or worse. Perhaps you simply want more fun. You can make choices how you will handle it. Read books. Go for walks. He is the one in a foul mood. Perhaps he needs more sleep, meds, or he wants to do more fun things and Maybe not with you. It hurts us to think that we can't control other people's moods and I know I myself react to moods and people who are mean to me. But perhaps there is a way to make yourself very happy while you wait it out. I did not listen to my own voice but a lot of others and my children paid for it by my leaving and taking them to a different life. They turned out wonderful, but there will never stop that feeling that occurs in families of divorce. Like I said, I am happily married but there were several people in this picture besides me. So it took an awful lot of serious thinking. And although my choice seemed to save my life, each person is different.
Sometimes these things are like illusions. The more you milk them the worse they become. Perhaps he is in foul moods and you have friends egging you on about how foul those moods really are. Misery does love company. This takes a lot of thinking because you are a family member not a single person. If you go for help and you feel in your gut it's not right, go elsewhere. You have the rest of your life. Try, try to talk to your husband. And if he never responds then it won't matter what sort of group you see you will know what your own decision will be. Hope this helps. S.

Hi L.,
You said yourself you know why some of the time he is in a foul mood, what is it? Sometimes men are like children themselves and need extra attention. How is your sex life? Does your husband feel you give him enough attention? If it is something other than this, then look at the biological issues, does he sleep well, does he eat well, does he take supplements? does this run in his family? Doe he have an alcohol problem? Hav eyou been upfront and honest with him? communication is the key. If you can not do it yourselves then by all means a counseling is advised.

Hi L.,
I can sympathies with your problem because I had the same problem in my marriage for at least 10 years of our 15 years together. I didnt understand and always blamed myself for not saing things the wright way or not doing things properly. Until one day I read on line about male depression and than bumm!!! I realized there are a lot of women out there that had the same problems. It was very hard to make him see it and go and get help. For years I tried to explain to him what its happening with no success. I had him read the symptoms of depression and he still thought I am having problems not him. What helped was my 19 years old daughter telling him finally that he is acting the way I say he is with her also and he should get help.I cant tell you what will help but to me his mood swings sound like my husbands.He is on medication now and seeing a psychiatrist and I can see a change. You might want to look into and consider depression also.I am getting a divorce now I think I suffered for too long but I am hopping my story will help you. Wish you the best!

PS. I have to add some comments after I read all the responses you got from other moms
I have to ask this I cant hold it!!! What is wrong with you people? Why do we have to focus on doing OUR best to make things wright? It takes two to tango! Does not? All the responses are about how YOU,L. , have to learn how to deal with your husbands mood swings how YOU should go and get help and how YOU should change ! Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture? I don't understand why the majority of women think this way. I was guilty of going the same think and you know what? It doesn't work!!! It took me 15 years of married life and suffering and all kind of health problems (nothing major just anxiety, stomach problems and feelings of helplessness and not believe in myself,not being as strong and and decisive as I used to be-just to name a few...-does it sound familiar to any of you?) to realize there is no way I can do this by myself. One needs to address the problem and face it not go around it and pretend all its good! There is always a reason for a person to behave a certain way (it can be medical or not) and until you find it and address it, there will be no peace and no good marriage! The most important thing is HIM to understand and do something about!!! Its true you cant chance people they have to do it themselves

It sounds as if you have to do all of the probing to find out what's wrong and you haven't been too successful. I think that individual counseling would be better rather than group counseling because you would have a third party that would be unbiased and I think you'd get more out of it.Perhaps your husband would open up more and you could talk about things that are on your mind and get advice. In a group, he may be reluctant to talk about some of his problems. This is just my opinion. But, if you think that he'd open up more in a group, try it. Then too, you could try bringing your feelings out in the open and let him know how you feel and how you dislike arguing and that you'd like to turn over a new leaf to try and resolve some of the problems. Then.............get yourself spruced up by looking good, fix his favorite dinner.........eat by candlelight....put on some soft music that you both like and let nature take its course. Try it....it may work. It did for me.

I think you should go through a support group. Perhaps this will help you deal with the anger or resentment you are feeling. It can help show you how you can handle other peoples moods. perhaps instead of thinking he needs to work on things not you- you can choose how your going to not act- or react to those moods. I find I want and need more attention then my husband does so I give him a lot of attention- and maybe not the same day but he then shows me his feelings- act towards him how you want him to act towards you. perhaps you can set aside time after your child is naping or in bed or go on a date to talk. Good luck

Hi L.,
Like so many others...let me first say my heart goes out to you. I too have a husband who is extremely moody. I myself am usually very upbeat but also very sentitive so when he is in one of his "dark moods," it affects me too which is very h*** o* me since I am not at all moody. Last year it got to the point where I said to him that I love him with all my heart and want to be married forever. Things are getting worse instead of better and I'm afraid if we don't change things now, in the long run, our marriage won't last. He finally agreed to meet a counselor (the one we used charged no fee for the initial consultation) and after meeting the dr. my husband oh-so-reluctantly agreed to see him on a weekly basis. We went about 7 times.
It helped TREMENDOUSLY! He is still moody, but we both handle it better. Another thing that greatly helped me was taking classes at the Kabbalah Center downtown. The classes taught me to learn to change my outlook and since I have changed, my husband has too. We don't have this vicious cycle of him biting my head off then me sulking and around and around. Kabbalah has probably helped us (I say us even though I am the only one learning about it)every bit as much as the couseling. As many posts here have said, we can truly only change ourselves.
I wish you the best. I often think that ALL marriages have issues and in the grand scheme of things, ours aren't so bad.
I wish you the best of luck and much love & light...

I feel very tender and can definitely relate. Its almost like a page out of my journal...so I get where you are and how stuck you must feel.

I am in counseling and growth work. I love it even though it can be tough. I've learned a lot about myself and how I co-create (believe it or not) the messiness b/t my husband and I. I believe counseling has saved my marriage. Would love to pass on the link to the counseling group I go to: http://center-4-life.com/
Center for Christain Life Life Enrichment is located in Northbrook, IL.

Please reply if you would like to know more!

Hang in there.
-M.

Don't dispair, it looks from the age of your child that you have not been married many years. My husband and I had a rough beginning to our marriage(we just celebrated 23 years or marriage). Going to counseling will be good for you even if it is only you, I don't think group counseling is the way to go. Find a good counselor, sad to say but sometimes they are hard to find. But you can change your marriage by yourself....I know you said you are tired of being the one to do everything...but that is the nature of men, they do not deal with emotions as well as women do. They are emotional but have a harder time understanding the emotions. A counselor can give you better ways to talk through problems. Different language to use....like don't say "you always" or "you never" Talk about the way the things he does make you feel...talk about the feelings you both get rather than attack certain actions. There is a great book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. There is also another book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggrichs. These will help a lot!!! I hated my marriage so much I wanted to quit, all we did was fight, but we stuck it out and learned to communicate better and now we have a wonderful marriage!!! We have 4 children and an awesome life. So even though things look bleak it doesn't mean things can't be awesome later. But you have to go through the bad to get to the good. I think a lot of it is growing up too, I don't know your age but men are kind of immature in many ways until they are about 35 years old. Good luck, you can do it. If you want to email me that would be fine. I know tons of other great marriage books. I also know a good counselor in Naperville.

L. - you're telling my story. First off, understand that it's wonderful you are so aware of this issue and the potential impact on your son. Understand though, that by your focus on your "feelings" and issues, you are already helping your son. He'll pick up on the fact that mommy is feeling better and/or doing something for herself. Trust me!!!!! My daughter and I have been through it all and today we're amazingly happy. Please do seek out some safe support. Friends & family are great, but the professionals can help tremendously. In the years right after my child was born I tried out 4 different therapists. I'm fine with it. I had to find the right one. Once I found some "grounding" in doing that I asked my husband to join me at my therapist and/or a separate marriage therapist. We made the apt. to the marriage therapist and I ultimately went alone. (I too knew the numerous reasons for my husband's moods, anger, etc. But in therapy I learned a lot more and then some. It was a great help). Then there's the issue of the newborn. I found many of my friends faced issues too - mostly because the dads feel so out of it during this phase of the child's life. I noticed my daughter's dad didn't really "get it" until she was about 4 - 5 and could talk and "hang out"...what can I say.

I can tell you - in the end it's a very, very happy ending for me. I doesn't look the way I planned, and let's be honest, it was very, very hard to do the "feeling" work. That said I am the happiest today that I've ever been in my life, my daugher sings, laughs and has a great life, and she also has an good relationship with her dad now despite it all. As for the impact of our arguing, etc., in front of her (she was 2 months - 3 years during our tough times) - well, she sees that we are human and that you can handle issues by yelling, whinning or just pausing for a moment, walking away, then coming back to talk. I don't think I could have really taught her that if I tried. Instead she learned a lot of it probably by watching me stumble through my feelings. Best of luck to you - I wish you all the very best.

You might want to read a book called "The Dance of Anger." I've felt the same way, that I'm always the one doing the emotional work. One of the main points in the book is to ask, "What is your objective? Do you or don't you want change?" If you do, then make changes to your own behavior, and work on yourself. Sometimes working on yourself means attending therapy or a support group without a partner. The bottom line is, when you change your behavior, the dynamic has to shift - which can lead to the result you seek.