Seeking Marriage/relationship Advice

You have a LOT of stressers in your relationship right now, not to mention some serious communication problems. My husband and I were exactly where you are right now. We watched Fireproof. We said "Wow! That's great!" and then never did anything with it. We would fight, scream, cuss, throw things, etc in front of our children. One night we had it out. I mean it was BAD. Way worse than ANYTHING we had been through before. We both admitted that we already had one foot out the door and that we were losing the love that we once had. It was terrible. I was totally heartbroken to learn how he really felt about me. He was totally heartbroken to realize how I truly felt about him.
The next day we really talked. No screaming and no arguing. We realized that we still loved each other enough to seek help. We went to counseling. It was amazing. Our counselor saved our marriage. We're in an amazing place right now. I love my husband more than I ever have before. Our intimacy is absolutely amazing (not just the sex, the cuddling, the hugs, etc.)
I can give you a few tips that our counselor gave us, but honestly, it's just better to go see a counselor. You can usually find ones that work on a sliding scale. Look for Christian Counseling places (even in you don't go to church), they usually will work with you the most.
This is an example of how a conversation SHOULD go:
You: I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Can you please help me with the kids?
Him: I hear that you're overwhelmed right now and would like me to help you with the kids, is that correct?
You: Yes, that is correct.
Him: Thank you for asking me, I will help you with the kids. When you're finished getting ready, could you watch the kids so I can finish?
You: I hear that after I'm finished you would like me to watch the kids.

I know it sounds totally dumb to talk like that. I was so skeptical that it would work. My husband and I made a total joke out of it, at first. After awhile, it really did help! The other thing she told us is to not go into a conversation with a "my way or the highway approach." Instead of saying "The kids need to go to bed at 8" You would say "I think the kids needs to go to bed a little earlier, can we talk about it?" If it's not a good time for him, he is allowed to say "I'm not in the place to talk about that right now, can you give me 10 minutes?" Then he or you have time to get in the right head space for a serious conversation. If at any point the conversation becomes argumentative, either one of you is allowed to say "I feel like this is no longer a productive conversation, can we please take a short break so we can calm down?" It's all about how you phrase things. Remember, it takes two to fight!
As far as the intimacy, fake it till you make it. If you don't want to hug, hug. If you don't want to kiss, kiss. It sounds weird but it really does work.
In my personal experience, me telling you this might help YOU, but it might not help HIM. He probably needs to hear it first hand from a counselor.
Talk to him about how you feel and suggest that you find a counselor. Call around and see what's available to you.
I'm sorry this is so long! I totally empathize with you. I know exactly the pain you are feeling right now!

You have created a cycle of poor communication and poor intimacy and you need to break it. You may need to "fake it 'til you make it" for a while, but something has to change! You won't change your communication styles overnight and you might benefit from relationship counseling, but you can change your actions and choices overnight- literally. Surprise him with a slinky nightie and then have some "real" pillow talk about how much you miss feeling connected to him and ask him what he wants to do about it. Agree that you both need to give a little and see what happens.

No, you can't really change personalities. However, the behavior you describe, is a CHOICE. Slamming doors, insulting, barking orders, trying to control arguments and the relationship...IS A CHOICE. Your relationship problems, are a CHOICE. So many counseling places, work on a sliding scale. You pay, what you can afford, That will take you seeking these places out. If you want your relationship to be better, you need help. Counseling does not "change your personality." It helps you cope, make better choices, understand each other better. Please don't downgrade your problems, to "personality" issues. You have both chosen to live this way. Get help. It's out there, if you're willing to find it and be 100% committed to it.

try reading the book "Love and Respect" - it talks about how women really need to fell loved and men really need to feel respected. I found it very insightful when I was going through a time in our marriage much like you are describing. Just FYI - statistics show that most marriages end before the 8th year of marriage. I think it is a normal hump that you have to get over. My marriage now is better than EVER and I am glad that I stuck with it. It was not easy but it was SSOO WORTH IT!!

I was so glad to hear when you said "he eventually apologizes when he does this"..that means there is hope. He also admits to his anger issues, that's another good sign. You are in love with your husband and committed to him because you want it to work, but you are just hurt and sometimes getting past the hurts is difficult. You have to protect yourself by realizing you can only change you, and yes, even though he does what he does, you have to condition yourself not to let what HE does affect you to that point. The best time to bring up how you FEEL and what you wish he would do is when he is satisfied (most times this is after intimacy). How we phrase what we WANT is a key as well, but first you have to know what you want in the relationship. So when he cusses you out and says nasty words, slams doors etc, mentally tell yourself "He is just angry right now and does not know how to effectively communicate his anger or frustration"..then to protect YOURSELF...walk away, take your kids to another room, give him time to calm down and do not try to argue back with him the same way. I generally repeat back their words to them so they can hear it for example..if my husband said in a condemning manner "You never think about me"...I will repeat back, so are you saying "I am making you dinner is not thinking about you", etc...something to that effect. The idea is to reverse what you are hearing them say, so that they hear it and take stock of how it comes across. So in your case when he says the "F" word, you can say "So are you telling me I am not worth anything". People say hurtful things when they are hurting and when they don't know how to challenge their anger. Try to speak positive words to yourself so that you are not drowning in the hurtful things you heard. Write them down, cry over them, talk to him about them and ask him if that is really how he feels about you. That way you open up communication for him to KNOW what he did and how it affects you.

I am not a counselor, but I have had hurtful things said to me that penetrates deeply and I actually had to learn to recognize what they say is not necessarily who I am.

I encourage you to not "compete" on who is right or wrong, don't blame and don't use YOU statements (you did this, you should do that)..those get people on the defensive alot because it comes across judgemental and it's so hard sometimes not to say that when you are angry...

for 1, you don't necessarily have to dish out the green for counseling, if you are a christian and would consider, contact your local church and talk to the pastor, most of the time you have to be a member, but MOST pastor's will counsel struggling couples free-all the pastor's i've had do.

second, one thing my dad told me that helps me and my husband is that during the course of your marriage, you will fall in and out of love with your spouse all the time, it's your job to MAKE that spark happen. my husband and i have been married almost 2 and it's already a constant roller coaster.

third, you two need to stand BESIDE eachother and quit fighting for the "alpha" in the marriage. to me that sounds like your both fighting for the front seat of the roller coaster, when there are two perfectly good seats right beside eachother. but you need to remember, there ARE roles dh is supposed to fullfil, and roles you are supposed to fulfill.

4th you both have to WANT the marriage, if your in a marriage with the only expectation to make it "work" it will not, you need to strive for SUCCESS and both parties have to be willing.

5th both parties have to be willing to give 300%...100 %heart, 100%soul, and 100%mind

6th go on a date, FIND that physical attraction in eachother again. Go on a date JUST you two and ask eachother what DID you see in me that attracted you to me, what DO you see in me that attracts you to me, what do i need to change? and you both need to be willing to change your physical appearance if that means losing weight, taking better care of yourself, dying your hair back to where it was and getting that "first flutter" back

7th instead of YOU trying to get HIM to focus on the positive's. change the table and focus on the positive's yourself. leave him little flirtatious letters, sext with him while at work. Find SOMETHING to do for your marriage EVERY DAY, even if that means writing him a flirty note and putting it in his lunch before he leaves for work (my hubby did that, i miss it) shout it on facebook that he is your one and only, text him pics that are permiscious but for him only, fun things :). then ask him...what are somethings you used to love about me then, now, how does my hair look to you, what's your favorite hair style i do, what's your favorite cuddle position what do you love about me now? or even vise verse, tell him what you miss about him, tell him the changes he has endured that you love...

in short love him again first...then eventually when you REALLY feel it, it'll be in your eyes and he'll start to see that sparkle again.

he could be feeling that he's failed you as a husband and that alone will help pick him up when he see's despite his negativity, you still find a way to be happy with him and that could make all the difference in the world

I wanted to point something out to you. People CAN change aspects of their personalities. They can learn to cope with anger, learn to disagree in a more caring and positive tone, learn to fight fairly and with the intent to resolve issues respectfully as opposed to insulting, they can learn to overcome insulting each other, learn to be more appreciative and helpful to each other, learn to speak nicely to each other and help each other and be sensitive to each other's needs, learn to be forgiving and more passionate...

So counseling would help you both greatly. My husband and I had very similar issues, we went to counseling and we did the homework we were given. It truly, truly saved our marriage.

We also read Dr. Phil's book called 'Relationship Rescue'. Read it together, especially if you can't do counceling, do the little homework assignments in there. Take it seriously and you can see your marriage and feelings for each other change:

http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Rescue-Seven-Step-Stra...

You are right though, it is very difficult to be intimate with a person who tears you down all the time. I would suggest trying to get the romance back, go on date nights, even if that just means renting movies or tv shows and cuddling on the couch a few nights a week after your child is in bed. All essential. Learn to forgive each other.

Also, watch these short videos on marriage and how to treat each other:

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/search/5/eM3...

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/search/1/sQ1...

I just wanted to offer this... My husband and I have both said awful things to each other during the course of our three year marriage. Without diving into the details, we came to the point one night, where we held hands, looked in each other's eyes and agreed to forgive each other and move on from that moment...no bringing up past hurt or words from that moment on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With all your heart, try to forgive him and forgive yourself.

This sounds SO much like my marriage. And we've even been married 7 years too and together almost 10! I don't have a great answer unfortunately but will say date nights help. We haven't been able to do them for awhile bc my husband is working all the time but when we did do them, I noticed a change. He agreed. So if you haven't tried that - even if you don't really want to - I would. I think it's just good to get out and away from the stresses at home. I'd also ask him to read Nonviolent Communication (and read it yourself first) and then just do your best to stay calm. I've gotten to the point that I can say "how else do I need to ask this? I am going to lose my patience." etc. Doesn't always work but it helps. Also, I'm the one with the worse temper and I've worked to control it so he needs to also. You could try just walking away when he starts yelling etc. Tell him to find some way to vent other than in front of your child. And I'd encourage him to workout. It helps my husband's mood INCREDIBLY. Finally, not all marriages are fight-free. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I've kind of accepted we'll have our ups and downs and it'd be nice if we were a bit more similar but overall we're not bad. A therapist told me once she sees more often couples break-up when there is no fighting. One spouse finally says "I've had it." after keeping it all inside for years.

Sounds like your working with a pretty emotionally immature hubby.
You can turn it around tho.
I'll get stabbed for this, but men do act a lot nicer when their physical needs are met. It's one of the simplest ways to keep them happy.
If you can't find it in you to pretend, and you wont seek counsel, you are probably doomed.
One of you has to be the hero, it takes TWO to argue.
Being divorced is a lot harder than you think.
If you are willing to "mother" him (lots of wives do it), you might need the dynamic of your relationship to take that route for awhile until he is older and more appreciative of all that you do to keep the family glued together.
Work stress and home stress can make any of MEAN and short tempered. Home is supposed to be a soft place to land, not a place where you don't want to be.
Make some suttle changes without letting him know you are doing them, turn it around.

Have you already talked to him about this? He needs to know that you're feeling this way. Tell him when you and he are both calm and in fairly good moods. Tell him what you told us about how you love him but you find it hard to trust him emotionally and be as intimate as you want to be because of the past hurts and most likely future hurts that he's going to inflict on you. Tell him how much you WANT to trust him and be intimate and how frustrated this is leaving you b/c you can't help feeling this way when he acts the way that he does. Then ask him what he thinks about all this, whether he thinks he can change, whether he's willing to work on this with you. If he's a good husband, he WILL make an effort to change b/c you're putting it out there honestly and being nice about it -- not yelling at him or accusing him. Just telling him how his actions are making you feel and how much you miss being at a good trusting place with him. Best of luck,

I'm sorry that you are going through all of that. I understand about not wanting to be intimate when you have all that going through you. Intimacy for us women is more of a mental, emotional thing than it is for guys. Sounds like has some anger issues and is incapable of handling situations calmly. It's true you can't change one's personality but one can learn how to deal with situations. I don't know if ya'll are into church or anything but if you are have you tried contacting your church to see if someone there can sit down with the two of you? There are counseling centers here in Texas that will provide counseling on a sliding scale. They'll only charge you based on your income and on what you can afford. Maybe if you took another approach with him, he might start doing things differently. My husband is very hard headed and stubborn as well and I find that there are some ways to handle things with him better than others. You have to find what works and go with it. Of course doing this you will feel as if you are giving in more to him but in the long run, it'll be worth it. You have to choose your battles wisely. And fighting in front of the child is not okay. When you see that he's getting ready to explode, pick your child up and tell him that you will talk to him about this later when he's calmed down and when your child is not around. Leave the area immediately. You will do two things then, you are not only protecting your daughter but giving him a chance to calm down and hopefully he'll be able to discuss the matter with you later more effectively. I find that if there is something that I need to have done or whatever and I feel my husband is going to fight about it, I will "plant" the idea into his head (by mentioning it in a carefree way) and sit back and wait. Then without fail, he does it or decides that is what we should do. He'll come back with usually, "Hey, I have an idea...why don't we...." He's more willing to do it then because he thinks it was his idea. But in reality, I had given it to him awhile back. Point being is you just need to find what works with him. Check out in your area to see if there is a counseling center that will base their fees on your income and so forth or check into your church. If he's not willing to go, then you go. If he sees a change in you it might wake him up. It's worth a shot. Good Luck!

Show him this post and your responses. Ask him if he has any solutions.

Elizabeth R. got this right, I only would like to encourage you to look into personality disorders, your hubby may fit into one of those. Good luck!

Have you guys ever discussed "fair fighting"? It's OK to be angry and express your opinion, but you don't have to be a butt head about it. and arguing in front of a child in never OK. Would he agree to those terms? Forgiving is always easier than forgetting, but forgetting is the important part.

I know counseling is expensive but an alternative would be a couple/marriage retreat. Ex Weekend to Remember series and Crucible Project. The Love and Respect book. Keep revisiting the Fireproof movie and then there is an actual Love Dare book for you to follow. I have to tell you my DH and I are also alpha's and the control issue is huge with us! As is my temper. While you can't change someone, counseling or finding a more experienced mentoring couple through your church or place of worship (if you attend) can provide much insight. Sounds like you both need to work on communication and your approach to eachother. Stress is huge factor. I am glad to know your hubby wants intimacy with you but obviously some of the "walls" need to be taken down and you can only do that by working together so you both can look forward to those intimate times.

Recently I have done my best to lavish attention on my DH even if I don't feel he deserves it. For example, recently I surprised him with a birthday party. Then other days..waiting on him hand and foot.. dinner on the table etc and I work fulltime too. Acts and words of kindness really make me feel better about myself and him....Obviously we won't get it right 100% of the time. We are human. When we can spend quality time and share feelings/issues and be safe and not judged even better. Last night I ran into a bind with picking up kids and having to be somewhere at a specific time. Since I've been a lot better lately at communication and expressing appreciation for the things he is doing right and lavishing positive words on him, he was more than willing to drop what he was doing to help me out. Little things like that can only come from both of you changing your heart and attitude...