Behavior problems.HELP!!!

You are not a bad Mom at all! I have no advice... I just had to say that you are not a bad Mom. I really enjoy watching Super Nanny... she has a ton of books at the library as well... My son is 14 months old... I'm just having to start with discipline... (although I spoiled him rotten, so I'm going to have to undo what I've done)

With behavior disorder, he'll have a much harder time cooperating, of course, and his triggers will be harder for both of you to avoid. But if he's having these events regularly, and he tends not to have them at school, it suggests (1) they have techniques that take his needs, patterns, and likely triggers into account; and (2) he feels more relaxed and able to let loose with you.

So you might ask if there are any specific techniques that his teachers use that you could make use of, too.

And you could try some things that often help with hair-trigger children. One of the biggies is empathy. Based on your story, I wonder if your son would have reacted this way, if, instead of "Wait a bit, I'm busy," you had given him a big smile, a hug, and a positive message, "Oh, you'd like eggs today. Good, I'll make you some pretty quick. Would you enjoy a glass of milk while you're waiting?" This would have taken an extra minute, which might have side-stepped his negative mood and saved both of you many frustrated minutes in the long run.

Parenting requires a great deal of creative problem solving and imagination and planning ahead. It all seems like so much work, but waiting until the problem has already arisen is even more work.

There are now wonderful and positive resources available for parents of "sensitive" or "spirited" kids. Books like:

The Explosive Child;
Raising Your Spirited Child;
Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The clinically proven five-week program for parents of two- to six-year-olds:
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman;
Or google Emotion Coaching, for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

I hope you'll try adding Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil is one good soure) to your son's diet – this can really help calm and normalize brain function. Also, a very large and well-controlled British study a couple of years ago confirmed that not only several common food colors (two of which are banned in the U.S.), but also the preservative sodium benzoate makes some kids measurably more reactive. See a report here: http://www.consumerhealthreviews.com/articles/GeneralHeal...

One other thought is that he may have other sensitivities/allergies that make him physically or mentally uncomfortable and hard to please. He might be sending out signals for help but have no real idea why, if he's just always at odds with his own body. Keep an eye out for possible food allergies, which can occur at any time.

I have severe chemical sensitivities, and get both physical and emotional symptoms to exposures to perfumed toiletries, home cleaning products, fabric softeners and air "fresheners." In group testing situations, I have watched children go from contentedly coloring to bouncing off walls, screaming, crying, or being impossibly stubborn just minutes after having drops of some dilute solution squirted under their tongues.

As work-intensive as it all sounds, it would be worth checking out if other fixes don't have much effect. It could actually save you untold stress in the long run. You can try sealing all suspicious products in plastic bags and using baking soda or vinegar for most cleaning for the next 2-3 weeks, and watch for any improvements in your son. If reintroducing the products (many of which are toxic, anyway) back into the home then results in worse behavior, you'll have one possible solution to work on.

My best to you. I've had close friends with highly-reactive children, and it is demanding.

Sometimes you're calm--making him wait, and ask again, and sometimes you're not---taking him kicking and screaming to his room. Sometimes he has to clean up, sometimes not. You're half way there, but you have to be consistent and unemotional. He needs to know that everytime he does A, he's going to get B. Time out works great IF you're consistent. Remember this--every time you lose your temper, he wins! Don't respond to demands, only asking nicely. He makes a mess, he cleans it up.(Food, toys, dirt, whatever.) He throws something, he's done with it. Once you take your emotions out of it, it's simple. Reward good behavior by being appreciative and cooperative, correct bad behavior by doing the opposite.

Eggs across the room = boom, straight to time out. Don't talk (which is attention), just immediate time out. If you let him stay, it sends the message his behavior is okay and that he's in control. When he's done with time out, he cleans up the mess. If not, back to time out.

I have a son with ADHD so I've been there facing this type of situation so many times. It's a tough one. And you're not a bad mom for needing some time away from him. There have been many times I've had to go to another room just to compose myself I'm so overwhelmed, sad or angry. It's extremely draining having a child with a behavior problem. Please know you're not alone in facing this.

Good luck!

If your son is able to behave at school then he is able to behave at home. I personally think that doctors over disgnose children biig time. How could they possibly diagnose children with a serious mental illness in soemtimes 15 minutes?? I have taken my son to 3 different psychiatrists and got 3 different diagnoses.

Anyway, my point really is that you just need to be firm and consistent with your son. I was just going through some recent behavior problems with my son (which was completely out of character for him) but I had to really lay down the law and nip it in the butt. I thought I was being firm at first but it wasn't working after a few months and I had to re-evaluate. Then I had to really get strict around here. I will tell you it is almost a 180 degree change with him and it helped with some problems I was having with my other kids.

Hope this helps!

have you noticed a difference in his behavior based on certain meals? certain ingredients? typically kids will act out even with a mild allergy to foods and you may not realize you are feeding them cause there are not other symptoms except this strange behavior. here are the list of things i woudl suggest you eliminate from his diet and see if it changes the behavior - and try that for 2 weeks. if not change, then you know it is somethign else. but alot of people do not make the association between food and symptoms.
gluten - wheat, pasta, bread, rye and barley (replace with quinoa or amaranth or brown/wild rice. can also use root vegetables)
dairy - maybe but do organic at a minimum
high fructose corn syrup, sugar, artificial colors and flavors, and preservatives. this basically means no packaged food for teh most part.
the key ones are the artificial colors, sugars and wheat (not in that order but all at the top). then after 2 weeks, introduce one of those items in a really small quantity and see if there is a reaction. if yes, you know that is for sure not allowed in the diet anymore. if ok, then only eat it once every 4 days. forever.
hope that helps!
J.
nutrition coach
www.n-im.net

What I see is a lot of struggle. With a spirited child it is better to avoid struggle. What I would have done in your case, in the morning, after he requested the eggs: I would've asked him if he wants to help making them, let him stir or even brake an egg with your help, that will involve him in the process, give him something to do and he will be more likely to eat things he helped make. And talk all of it trough as you do it. It will help the language skills. Like: we are taking an egg, and how do we brake it? we hit it with the knife, lets practice now, easy, not hard, swing again, now I hold your hand and you hit the egg litely... now hold it like so and brake it gently, do not squeese, oops...your hands are dirty, it's OK,let's wash them... lets beat the egg, you try, easy does it....and on and on.....
After he said he does not want the eggs, do not leave him sitting there with eggs, say "let's wrap them up and put them in refrigerator for later".
It looks like you are running around doing a lot of things and he has plenty of time to misbehave. Do not let him experience negative things.
Also, he has to do more, like he can get water for himself, he does not have to wait for you. When you go to the laundry - take him with you , he can help you take the closes in/out washer/dryer. Make it a game. be patient. teach him and enjoy him.
My almost 4 y/o can get water for himself, can help with omelett, can help making pizza (spreads the sause and sprinkles the cheese), can cut pizza and helps with laundry and cleaning (carries dusting feather, puts shoes on the rack, etc.) It is about helping and together not against each other. No struggles, teach him how to work with you not against you.

I agree with the other moms-- there needs to be more consistent responses to his negative behaviors and clearer consequences. However, I have to say that it sounds like the times he is behaving badly are times when you are not paying attention to him-- I know that happens at my house when I'm trying to get things done. What has really helped here is me spending 30 minutes on the floor with my son first thing in the morning. We get up and spend 30 minutes playing, reading books, or just talking on the floor. He gets to pick what we do for that time. It is AMAZING then how happy he is to not have my full attention then for the rest of the morning. Harvy Karp (Happiest Baby/Toddler on the Block) calls it "Feeding the Meter" and it sounds to me like your little guy is pointing out that his "meter" is expired-- not hard to have happen with 2 under 4! Try having some concentrated, one-on-one time with him. Couple that with some better behavioral responses from you (warning (including of the consequence if the behavior does not stop) and then consequence--- same way, every single time) and I think you guys will be back on track.

I have a 7yo dd with the same problem. However, she is doing better. She is on 2 medications plus a supplement. She has ADHD & ODD. She takes Straterra, Risperadol, & Meletonin. She also is an ____@____.com grades are average. She was diagnosed 2yrs ago. We also have therapists that come into the home to help. Its been a long hard road at times & some days are better than others. She still sees a psychiatrist & when the in home therapists leave she will go back to out-patient couseling. I don't know if any of this helped but at least you know your not the only one out there. If i can be of any assistance let me know. Hoped this helped a little.

Well, don't feel like a bad mom...we all have our moments! First I'll say this...kids like to have battles over food b/c it's one of the things they can actually control, so even though it's super hard as a mom, you're going to have to let it go. If you make him the eggs and then he says he doesn't want it say okay and take it away. Tell him to let you know if he changes his mind. Done. If he eats, great, if he doesn't eat...fine. Even if it's not with food, expect the behavior you want. He will meet your standards even if it takes some tears and screaming (on both parts) first! Try not to look angry or speak in an angry tone b/c that will just escalate the situation.

Secondly, I would check into the Love and Logic series. It is a seriously awesome guide for parents and it teaches self discipline and responsibility. Sometimes it's hard to be super consistent, but that will change his behavior. Hang in there. You're doing all you can do and you just have to keep at it.

You are NOT a bad mom...some kids are easy to love and some are not. I know - I have one of each. Sometimes you just need time away...it is the kindest thing for both of you. Consistency is the key with your son. He needs to know ahead of time what will happen when his behavior is inappropriate...and then stick to it. I know it is hard...but you must keep the emotion out of it. He deserves your love...even when he's making it difficult. Try to talk to him about it when he is calm - don't wait for the rough times or it will be more difficult for both of you. Good luck!

if he's having this problem only at home, then something you do vs teacher's is MUCH different, ask them what their diciplining techniques are. i've never had to deal with a medically behaviour problem other than adhd. but what i would strongly suggest is to not show him in any way that you feel sorry for him for this, or it will jsut get worse.

i like nancy's response...and when she said for example don't respond to demands...totally accurate! My daughter (7) has been trying to demand lately and my friends kids try to demand me, when i'm given a demand, my response is "you're not getting anything from me with that tone" , then i will make them reask what they are aking, then eventually i'll get may i please have eggs, if they've already eaten, i'll tell them ok, but you HAVE to eat what you ask for, if they decide they dont' want it then and there, and literally insist, then come dinner time they have to eat that before they can have what everyone else is having...if they refuse, they go hungry