How Much Should My 2 Yr Old "Listen" to Me?

You've gotten some killer advice... so I'm not going to repeat.

Here, however, is my *favorite* piece of "dealing with kids" trick:

"There is no reason to get emotionally involved in an argument with a child. It's like getting emotionally involved in an argument with a piece of furniture. Sure, we all do it from time to time, but it doesn't make a lot of sense."

I figure a couple things:

1) I win. Period. So I may as well be gracious about it and not rub it in by also getting angry.

2) Modeling self control & how to deal with difficult situations calmly

3) Saves on the grey hairs. ;)

4) Mom is a rock. Kiddo knows no matter how much he flails, loses his temper, or has a complete and total meltdown... he can trust me. I'm not going to lose it just because he is.

Does any of this mean I have an angel? Haha! Of course not. I have a perfectly normal kiddo who is testing limits, boundaries, his own independence, social contracts, etc. Does any of this mean I have the patience of a saint. Heck no. (Remember, I've gotten emotionally invested in arguments with furniture). But... Whenever I feel myself losing my temper, I send myself on timeout. When kiddo was little he went in his crib while "Mommy is going on timeout". Now he goes to his room or sits on the stairs.

You have not messed up!

Your little boy is thriving! The way you know this is that he is testing you. He is exploring everything and wants to do it all. This is why he is so frustrated and having fits about everything.

He does not have all of the words to express all of the feelings he is having. He does not know societies rules yet (they are pretty complex) He just knows what he wants and no one else understands..

Find a good parenting book and learn some techniques and know what milestones to expect so that as they each appear in your son you will know what do do next. They will save your sanity.

You say mealtimes are a nightmare? Why? He does not want to eat? He only wants junk? He will not try new foods?

Give him healthy choices so he will have some control. "Would you like cereal with a piece of fruit or an egg with toast and fruit?"

This works better than "what do you want for breakfast?" and then he says gold fish and you say "no that is not food for breakfast." You have controlled his choices, but he has been able to make a choice.

Going to the store? Give him a heads up and set him up to succeed. Do not just give him breakfast and then go straight to the store. Let him know during breakfast what the plan is.. "After breakfast you can play outside for 30 min." (or however long) "and then we are going to the store. I will need your help while you ride in the cart. I need you to hold my list and help me find what is on the list." "Remember no fits or we will leave. Do you hear my words?"

TRY to plan for him to do something really active before going to the store so he can get rid of that toddler energy.. Have him play outside for 45 (notice you are allowing him extra time in case he needs it) minutes or an hour.

Then give him a snack for the car ride and on the way to the store. Again while in the car remind him of the behavior you are expecting. Ask him to help you find red apples, bread, whatever. Give him a list (does not have to be the real list) and ask him "which side should we start on to find the apples?"

If he starts to become upset about something, do not become frustrated or angry instead ask him, "Do you need a hug?" "Should I pull the cart over for a minute so you can calm down?" "What is going to happen if you throw a fit?" (just pick one questions, never overwhelm a toddler with a bunch of questions). If he looses it, pick him up and leave. Let the store know you are sorry, but you cannot continue to shop. They will be overjoyed not to have a screaming child in the store.. Place him in the car and leave. Once he calms down let him know you sure are disappointed that your big boy had a fit and you had to leave the store, but you had talked about it..

Anyway this gives you an idea of how to handle a few of his frustrations..
Yes, it takes time to talk, to stop, to go home, but this is what a toddler needs so that they can learn what is expected of them. You are also honoring what his choices are (even though you are controlling his options).

At dinner, give him a glass of milk Offer him 1 small spoonful of whatever you are having and do not make a big deal if he does not eat it or even try it. If he does eat it, offer him another spoonful. .Children will not starve. But be strong and remind him if he does not eat his meal, no snacks.

You haven't messed up!! {{HUGS}} Don't beat yourself up over it because it's not your fault and it's not going to help you or your son learn to deal with life better either. And sometimes the kids can just push us over that edge when we are home with them all day long too!!! One thing you can do is take a mommy day at least once a month if not more. Even if it's going to get your nails done, clothes shopping, heck even grocery shopping is great without kids :) Your hubby gets a break when he goes to work, you live where you work and need that break to get out without kids in tow.

He is two, it's all normal for a major tantrum when life doesn't go his way and what made him happy yesterday will piss him off 2 days later!! A great book to read is 1 2 3 Magic. It helps us set up guidelines when kids don't behave the way we want them to. Like throwing a fit = time out. And rewarding good behavior too with a special treat like a trip to the dollar store!

Consistency and routine is key too (it helps set those boundaries) . If you need him to stop watching tv to get dressed, give him a 5 min warning of what is going to happen. Then a 1 min warning. I still have to do this with my almost 10yr old daughter sometimes so she doesn't whine about putting down her Nintendo! My 4yr old son does great with this concept now and I can set the timer for 30 mins for him to play his monster jam game on the wii and he no longer throws a fit when it goes off.

I'm a SAHM too and my hubby is the softer one of the two of us as well so I feel your struggle there. He doesn't fully understand what we deal with all day long with the kids. But we've been able to find that right mix between the two of us to keep order in the house.

Good luck!!
S.

Perfectly normal stuff. It's so easy to get into a battle with a 2 year old, because I swear, they enter battle mode, i.e. testing mode, and there seems to be nothing you can do. I find, however, that the more I try to show whose the boss, the more we fight, as it just creates power struggles. So, instead, I just try to keep my cool and follow an elaborate set of rules I have that govern everything. When problems arise, I create new rules. She seems to understand that there are just "ways of doing things," and she accepts the rules over my word any day ;-) So instead of saying "no," I tell her a rule and a reason. For instance," no you can't have gold fish for breakfast. We need to eat healthy foods to start our day so we have energy to play. How about some cheerios while I make eggs?"

Some of my rules directly related to her fighting behavior:

1. no whining: Ask politely in a normal voice or you will be ignored.
2. stomping feet? throwing a tantrum? Go to your room until you are able and willing to use your words.
3. Not listening and testing: TO chair.
4. Not cooperating while out in public/park: we leave

Prevention rules:
1. 5 minute count down before leaving or changing an activity to prevent fighting
2. Must ask before taking food. Not allowed in frig or pantry.

However, I find the key to getting them to listen is listening to them! So, I get my daughter to calm down and use her normal voice, and then we negotiate and/or I tell her why she can't have what she wants. I find "Trade-offs' work well. "Mommy is sorry she needs to cook this baby food, when I am done, let's go to the park. I know you are bored and want to go outside, just give me a few more minutes and then we can play till lunch."

And Laurie is right: food and snacks at the grocery store, and giving them jobs, work great. The more you can make him your little helper, the better. Have him set the table at dinner time, and bring his own drinks and things to the table. My daughter brings everything to the table for breakfast, it's great, and she is so proud of herself. At the grocery store, she holds my keys and grocery list, when she isn't munching on cheese or deli meats. I always hit the deli first, getting her something to munch on --she loves it.

You mentioned food. The rules in our house are simple: you sit politely at the table. If you play, you must be done. If you get up (to do anything but go to the bathroom), you must be done. She also has only ever been given what we eat, so there is never any question about "what" she will be eating. If she doesn't like something, I tell her to "push it to the side
and leave it alone."

You asked about where to start? I'd start by disengaging. When he starts up, just walk away. Don't lock horns with him, that just makes it worse! One of my favorite phrases with my daughter (when she won't put on her undies, etc.) is "let me know when you are ready and want mommy's help." That always gets her moving fast! The last thing they want is for you to leave the room, so leave the room and just say, " let me know when you are calm enough to use your words and talk to me." Then leave!

You are descibing a child I know (she is now 18.) I would ask you a couple of questions, like how is his langague? How is he around loud noises? Does he have issues with the texture of the clothing when you are trying to dress him? Some "typical" behavior is not so typical when you examine the scope, frequency, and cause. It is difficult with young children with challenging behaivor to tease out the typical from the atypical because kids with issues do what kids do, they are kids! What they do is take it to the extreme, like you described, and they have needs and expectations that seem unreachable. There were many times that I was exasperated becuase my daughter wanted something that I was not giving her, and I had not a clue what that was and she was beyond telling me. It was a battle that I could not pick because I was fighting the wrong war. There are times when you parent the way you parent because what you would typically do will just never work.

Only you can know if my expeirence could help you, but when traditional dicipline techniques fail, and you have applied them conistently, you should look more deeply at his development. High functioning kids with atypical developmetal issues present like this early on, and early diagnosis and intervention are very effective and helpful.

One technique that I learned from this experience was very helpful and worked with all my children. Instead of telling him what to stop doing, tell him what to do instead. Developmentaly, he is not capable of so many steps to "stop" doing something and pick a new, and adult acceptable, behavior. Instead of "stop jumping" say "put your feet on the floor" and that will be helpful, when they are more capable of doing what you ask, they will do it more often and success breeds success.

M.

buy this book: "Happiest Toddler on the Block"

It's saved me with my 2 year old.

Good luck!

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't give the tantrums the attention. If you tell him to get dressed and he throws a fit, walk away. Say "I'll come back when you've calmed down." and walk away. When he's finished his temper tantrum, come back and say "Ok, now that that's out of your system..let's get dressed!" If he's verbal, maybe he can try to tell you what made him mad, but most 2 year olds can't. If you give his tantrums attention, negative or positive, he'll keep right on having them.
Also, tell him the plan for the day. Keep telling him all day long. When you put him to bed say "Tomorrow we're going to wake up, have breakfast, play outside, go to the store..." etc.Then when he gets up say "We're going to eat b reakfast, play outside, go to the store" etc.
Set your limits and stick to them, no matter what. If he screams for another treat, walk away. Then when he's done just say "I understand that you want another treat, but Mommy said only one. Now, let's go do something fun!" It takes awhile for this approach to work, but it WILL work. Once he realizes that Mommy's not going to give in, he'll stop throwing fits.
Good luck to you!

The main thing is, be consistent and DO NOT give in when he has a fit. My children have to calm down and "use their words" before I will even possibly do what they want. Yes, even my 2 1/2 year old.

If he won't hold my hand crossing the road, I tell him "hold my hand or mommy is going to carry you like a baby". 8 times out of 10, he will hold my hand because he doesn't want that. If he doesn't, I pick him up struggling and all and carry him.

Picking your battles is NOT bad advice. Sometimes it helps to make them think they have a choice. Give him two options you are okay with and let him pick or if he wants to play a little longer and asks nicely, maybe give him 5 more minutes if you can. If he freaks, NO. He must be calm and use his words though. If my son wants a snack and it's dinner time, he is told he can have it after dinner. Sometimes you feel like a broken record but it's okay. Just stay calm. It doesn't help if you get upset too...something my husband is just starting to realize I am right about. LOL

Good luck and don't expect things to change over night. Also, don't expect to change everything at once. Feel free to message me if you want.

L.

Dont worry so much about "being in charge"....you need to listen to him so that HE will listen to you!!! I wish that I had been as smart as my daughters are, when I was raising them!! I am amazed at how calm and rational they stay as they talk to their children, and I am then amazed at how well the children actually seem to listen and be willing to compromise!!! The main idea is to acknowledge your sons feelings.....with my daughter the conversation may go something like this....."Kieran, I understand that you want to stay here and play with the trains a little longer but we really need to get ready to go to the store. How about you play for 2 more minutes and then we will go and see who can get their shoes on the fastest and get out to the car?" If grocery shopping is a challange, try letting him be in charge of keeping an eye out for certain things. Make your list and then let him help you make HIS list...draw simple pictures or cut pictures out of a magazine of the things he is supposed to watch for....eggs...pasta...celery...pick a few things that are spread out through the store, so that he can be "on the hunt" for the whole trip!!! He can sit in the "safari truck" (that seat in the cart) and watch for the "wild life" that he is supposed to capture for you!!! Make it a game!! Don't associate HIM with the tantrums and fits...sure, let him know that you appreciate the cooperation, the smiles and the sweetness but don't criticize him for the tantrums. He just needs to learn to deal with his emotions, not to stuff them down and not allow them to show. (Which is what you are asking him to do if you wont let him feel angry, frustrated, disappointed). He needs to know that he is understood and accepted for who he is....and that you love him unconditionally. (Which I am sure that you do...!!! )
If you would like to know how to get in touch with my daughter, message me and I will send you her blog address...she has a world of wonderful advice and suggestions!!!

This sounds exactly like the behavior that I experienced at 2 with my now 5 year old boy. I felt exactly like you. Like I was doing everything wrong. I agree with the advice the others have given you. Picking your battles is extremely important, but NEVER give in once you have set a limit. Be very thoughtful about the limits you set. Try to stay calm. I saw a big change when we instituted a new rule at our house about yelling. No one is allowed to yell, even Mom and Dad:-) Once we stopped, the kids stopped. Imagine that???

I am a working Mom, so I don't know what it is like to be home with them all day. You do need to take breaks. I know just being with both my kids 24/7 over the long weekend, I was at my wits end at times. You sound like you have a real supportive husband. If you guys could schedule some down time for you each day, that should help you with the overwhelmed feeling you have and the dread of the start of the day.

Just know that it will get better with time. They do actually grow out of this stage as they start to communicate better. We did limit our time away from home in the 2-3 year old range to very short trips to the store, library etc. My 5 year old boy is well behaved 99% of the time now. I am now just getting into this phase again with my 2 year old girl. Just know that it will get better!!

I am still fighting your fight just not on the same things anymore. You did not mess up, It is a personality thing. Just be glad you are bigger than him. Swat a bottom if you need to. I finally started just walking away from my eldest, she is an 11 year old drama empress. Good luck.

I have "one of these" he's six now and has pretty much fallen into the "normal" spectrum of emotions and actions, but he was a complete handful as a newborn, one, two, three, and some at four.

> When he is happy, he lights up the world!
> when he gets mad, doesnt get his way, it's a NIGHTMARE.
Two sides of the same coin. He has passion. Our son does too. He feels his emotions intensely. Love is fierce but so is anger. Welcome to the roller coaster.

> I get so much advice from family and friends, and while good intentioned...it doesn't seem to be working.
Not sure how much you want to read. If you want to know that what your son is doing is very age typical (hair pulling - YES! but age typical - yes too!) Get "Your Two Year Old" by Ames & Ilg. (library should have it too.)

If you want some ideas on how to deal with him, two books really helped me "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Kurcinka and "Playful Parenting" by Cohen. Through them, a half dozen more and a really good online group, I relearned that if I approach things a different way, the battles drop WAY down. For a really quick example, if someone says "you will" the natural reaction is "I won't" but if someone says "I'm doing something fun!" the reaction is "I want that too."

> How do I balance "picking my battles" with letting him know that "I am in charge!!!!"?
You are in charge by default. You are bigger, stronger and smarter. You are in charge by preventing something from happening or insisting that it happens. You can do this when you yell and you can do this when you calmly say "first toys in the bin then outside". Keeping your boundaries shows you are in charge. Sometimes with the spirited ones, it takes awhile before he trusts that the boundary is there, but as you're consistent, he learns that the boundary is there. Enforcing the boundary is the lesson.

Also, I remember that I do want my children to respect me, and I also want them to be able to think for themselves and come to the proper conclusions on their own. I want them to be self-guiding in the long run. So, even at toddler stage, you can allow your son decisions on things that don't matter and still enforce what does. For example, son throws a fit at breakfast. You ask a few questions and learn that he doesn't like the blue bowl. You open a few cupboards and he chooses a red bowl. Now he's eating happily. The important thing is that he is eating. The non-important thing is from what (clean) dishware he is eating from.

This type of thing, along with lots of humor, worked great with my spirited son. He now has so much more understanding of other people's needs and still has his strong spirit that nature intended him to have.

Hope that helps. Feel free to write a message if you need a shoulder or an ear. Yes you do need to pick your battles, but moms who don't have spirited kids don't understand how totally draining the day can be.

Have you tried time out? Our son is about to turn 2 and he recently started throwing toys when he gets frustrated or mad or doesn't get his way. When this happens, we tell him firmly that we do not throw toys and I ask him to pick it up and put it back where he got it from. If he refuses, I pick it up and place it up high and do not give it to him until he calms down and resumes playing nicely again. Be firm when you say no and show him the consequences like time out or taking the item away. If he throws a temper tantrum out in public like at a store, as annoying as it may to have to return again later, pick him up and leave the store. And tell him that if he can't behave and be good then you have to leave - that's the consequence. My mom did this with my brother and I a couple of times when we would throw temper tantrums at the grocery store for instance and after a few times of that happening, we stopped throwing the temper tantrums, because we didn't want to leave. I have not had to try it with my son yet, but when and if the time comes, I will pick up and leave even if it means leaving a cart of groceries. My husband and I have had to cut our dinner short at restaraunts a couple of times, because our son would act out, but that's even improving, because he's learning that we can't stay when he does not behave. When he throws temper tantrums at home where he is simply getting upset and not throwing anything or causing harm, I ignore it until he calms down. He's wanting to get a reaction out of me and I refuse to react to it. The more I react, the more he'll have temper tantrums. I hope some of this helps. It's okay to walk away into another room to take some deep breathes and calm down when you feel yourself getting upset or anxious over the temper tantrums. It is normal, he's entering what we all know as 'the terrible twos' and he will outgrow it. You have not done anything wrong along the way - you are a mom and you are doing a great job!

When my daughter has a tantrum I do one of two things: take her in her room and sit her on her rug and tell her just to stay put until she feels better then she can come out. Or sometimes I just walk away. I completely ignore any bad behavior when we're at home. I refuse to honor it with any kind of reaction. I always give praise for good behavior or helpfulness and cuddles. When she's throwing a fit I either pick her up and put her in her room to calm down (if I'm doing something in the room she's throwing her fit in or just walk out and go to another if I'm not particularly busy.) Without attention from me the tantrum subsides and she's back to her happy self in no time at all. It also helps to save me my own sanity as I can walk away and tell myself that by ignoring this problem it will dissolve. I'm basically taking the same approach suggested for dealing with young kids using profanity. They say if a little one says a naughty word you ought to just ignore it because doing anything else makes them think, " wow, this gets me some attention of some sort so I'm going to do it again and again." If we're out and a tantrum starts. I quietly begin to get ready to leave, if we were eating I clean up the table and then gather our stuff and my child and we leave. Usually, by the time I'm done cleaning up (which is directing my attention away from my screaming child) she's done throwing her fit. I still leave though. I like to drive home: "this is unacceptable behavior" point, so to speak. If we're grocery shopping or something we just walk out. I try to make it a point to be able to go when my husband is home and can keep her while I'm out grocery shopping..or go post bed time. I sincerely hope you find this helpful. Best of luck, C.