Advice to Let Mom Know She Cannot Be Present During Labor & Delivery?

Updated on July 22, 2008
B.B. asks from Berkeley, IL
83 answers

Hello,

Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

My Mom hinted that she would like to be in the room when I deliver and I am not comfortable with the idea. She tends to be overbearing and controling in most situations, and I need to have people around me that are supportive.

I feel awful thinking this way about my Mom and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I want to think that she will step up and be supportive in this particular situation, but she has been difficult in similar situations (such as my wedding).

Do you think it's ok to let this go until that day and see how things pan out? Or should I ask the nurse/doctor to make sure it's just my husband and I in the room when I deliver? Or should I just come out and tell my Mom that I want only my husband in the room with me?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thanks Everyone for the great advice! I'll talk to my Mom about this as well as asking our nurses and doctor to "escort them to the waiting room" if needed. :)
Best Wishes to all of you
-Update...

My Mom brought it up again last night after we were telling her about the maternity tour at the hospital. I let her know that if my husband needs back up, we will call her in. If not, grandparents are allowed in the labor/delivery room immediately after the baby is born. She seemed a little hurt, but understood.

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P.M.

answers from Chicago on

I am in complete agreement with you, I do not want anyone else in the delivery room with me outside of my husband. In fact we agreed we will not even call my in-laws until we are ready for them to show up at the hospital. My mom was in the room with my sister for all of her kids births. I was very clear with my mom that there would be no one in the room with me other than my husband and I. I said it nicely and brought it up jokingly talking to my mom about how some women through labor parties and have all their friends and family in the room with them, and then I said how I would be mortified by that and I don't want anyone in the room that isn't my husband or medical staff. That way she knew right away where I stood on the mater and she didn't feel like I was directing it at her specifically.

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D.B.

answers from Chicago on

I so know how you feel! I also didn't want my mother in the delivery room for various reasons. I ended up compromising and having her film it (and stressed how she must stay back and get EVERY minute of it b/c it was such an important job) and that worked out great for me. Whatever you decide, good luck and congratulations!

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C.N.

answers from Chicago on

It looks like you have already received a lot of great feedback. My experience was very different since Mothers were not in state to be present at birth, none the less- I find the video taping and audience to be wierd(just my feelings, to each their own). With that said-my labor was so fast that no one would have made it there on time and that was my first. I wish the same for you! I agree with the pp that said when it is all happening the last thing you are thinking about is inviting people down to the hospital!

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D.

answers from Chicago on

I think you should tell your mom now that you want you and your husband in the room at the time of delivery. That this is a special moment that you only share once. I am a L&D nurse and you can make your nurse be the bad guy too at the time. Most of us don't mind doing that if it is something you are uncomfortable with. Good Luck!

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R.R.

answers from Chicago on

Omigosh, I had the same issue while pg with my son. I'm an only child, and my mother's WORLD. She is also very domineering and overbearing, and I was obsessing over her behavior in the delivery room to the point that I had a dream that when my son was born, the nurses handed him to my MOTHER and she walked across the room with him, away from me, and those critical first moments essential for mother-child bonding were spent with her. I woke up crying hysterically. I was about as far along as you are when I had that dream. Later down the road, when my mother came out and asked if she could be in the delivery room, I blurted out that I didn't want her there. She quietly asked me why, and I was ashamed that I'd hurt her feelings. My mother, while very controlling, is also very loving and sensitive. I explained that her behavior in similar situations (like my wedding, and many other things before that) made me think that she would try to take over in the L&D room. We had a long talk about it. She said I should have just told her that was an issue for me instead of worrying about it to the point of bad dreams. I admitted that I wanted her there, but only in a supportive capacity. She assured me that she would step back if she found herself getting too involved, and that I should let her know if I thought she was over the line.

All that to say talk to your mom. If she realizes how worried you are about it, it may be a great chance to raise the level of your relationship. Good luck!

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A.G.

answers from Chicago on

This is coming from some one who has a controlling, manipulative, overbearing, and self-centered mother. You will want your labor and delivery to go as smooth as possible. Please don't take the chances of anyone spoiling it. Really, only your hubby should be in the room with you. Let your mom know that you're not comfortable and leave it at that. Don't worry about hurting her feelings. She will get over it. You need to be as relaxed as possible during labor and delivery -- otherwise it will prolong the process. I read that in What to Expect. Good luck, and know that it's okay for it to be about you sometimes, especially when you're the one who has to go through labor/delivery. Best of luck to you!

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K.K.

answers from Chicago on

My mom said she'd like to be in the delivery room as well and I did not let her get any further with that. I told her right from the start NOPE! perhaps in your 8th month you will not be worried about hurting her feelings and can just say NO! Until then...I told my husbands mother (she too wanted to be there), that my husband was lucky I was going to allow him in the room. It's very private (so you think) and I am going to be very uncomfortable and did not want her to see me that way. She tried the guilt thing at 8 months and at that point I did not mind just saying NO! Good luck.

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E.B.

answers from Chicago on

OH MY GOD! Do we have the same mother? I had the same issues. I just told her that it was going to be me and my husband for the birth. Other people (her friends, etc..) asked me if she was going to be in the room, and I just told them the same. She would always hear that answer too. I would sometimes add..why would she be there, she wasn't there when we made the baby..then I would laugh. She got the point. I did end up having 2 c sections so that took away the "problem". She has told others..in my presence..that if I have another child, she wants to be in the operating room with us. Wrong!!!
I completely understand!!

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J.T.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,

Have you considered the possiblity of having your mom come in right at delivery? I got there when my daughter was almost 10 centimeters which is a fine time to get there. My daughter's mother-in-law came in on the last push with camera in hand and got some great pictures. We both got to see the birth but weren't in the way. I was happy to miss the labor. I cherish the memory of seeing my granddaughter being born. I may not have an opportunity for future ones, because I will probably be babysitting. You don't have to make the decision until it's close to the time to deliver. Just keep saying I will decide what I want to do when the time gets closer. Doctors and nurses will support you on your decision.

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J.M.

answers from Chicago on

Some good advice here already, thought I'd throw in my two sense...tell her ahead of time this is a special moment for you and your husband and that other than a team of highly trained med professionals, no one else will be in the room. Tell her you'll call her on the way into the hospital and again once the baby is born so she can be the first to see him/her. This will give you time to bond and get cleaned up before accepting visitors. (This is what we did and it was wonderful for us as we wanted to be together as a new family before letting everyone else in.)

Another thought is to have her take a grandparent's class ahead of time. Based on what you wrote, I think we may have the same mom ; ) and based on my experience - we all would have benefitted from her taking the class. Not so much to learn about the differences from when she raised me, but to learn that her role was GRANDmother, not mother. From what I'm told, the classes do a wonderful job of that.

Set your boundries now and stick to them. Battle what is important to you, you're the mom.

Congrats and good luck!

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B.H.

answers from Bloomington on

I wouldn't let it go until the end, you will be stressing about it the rest of your pregnancy....at that's more than you need right now! I've been in this situation before. Just tell your mom that you and your husband want this to be a special moment between the 2 of you. She should respect that. If you think it will cause an issue, then maybe you could wait until the end if she doesn't bring it up. You could also let the nurse know that you only want you and hubby in room. Honestly, it gets so busy and crazy in the delivery room that people just step back behind your bed and let the 5+ nurses and doc do thier business. You won't care if the pope walks in, you will be very wrapped up in the delivery. Are you getting an epidural? You should, it is fabulous! However, it is scarey getting it...it doesn't hurt at all though. You just have to sit VERY still. I had 3 of them and wouldn't have changed it. Good luck, you will do great!! Feel free to email me if you have any more questions! :)
~ B.

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H.C.

answers from Chicago on

As someone whose husband had to kick his own parents out of our house the day after our daughter was born and put in the NICU -- despite the fact they were supposed to take care of our toddler for three more days -- I no longer believe that people "step up" when the situation requires.

Explain that you just want this to be an event shared between you and your husband, and leave it at that. She doesn't need to know more, and she has no right to demand more.

Don't feel bad about feeling this way about your mother. At least you're aware of her behavior. Do not give her the opportunity for her behavior to overshadow the happiness of what is YOUR day.

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T.G.

answers from Chicago on

I was in the same situation with my first child, only it was my MIL that wanted to be in the room and she didn't hint - she told my husband that she belonged in the room. Well, let's just say I was not going to allow that. I was straight forward with her and I didn't beat around the bush. I told her I appreciate why she wants to be there, but this is something for only my husband and myself to witness. It is the start of OUR family, not hers. My MIL has a lot of boundary issues. Instead of coming she called into my labor room, while I was in labor. My LDR nurse didn't even know the phones could accept calls and she has been a nurse for over 20 years. She looked at me and just said "Good luck!"

In my humble opinion, it is best to be honest and straight forward in situations like these. My dear, it is only the beginning, just wait to your little one is born. You need to set the limits now if you want peace in the future. There is absolutely no reason for you to have to lie or make up excuses. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting you mother in the room with you. Don't feel guilty or bad. This is your family.

As my nurse told, Good luck and enjoy your growing family!

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L.

answers from Chicago on

If you don't want your mom in the room, that is your choice. Since you don't feel comfortable telling her, blame it on the hospital and let your doctor know you only want your husband in the room. I would let the hospital know too when you have a pre-natal visit. Congrats!!!

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E.D.

answers from Chicago on

Brina,

It's totally okay to tell her (tht. I didn't want my mom because she totally over-reacts to medical situations and it would have made me over-react in a stressful situation. Tell her she is more than welcome to be in the waiting room and be your first visitor! You'd like it to be a special thing between you and your husband. It's a totally respectable decision and you don't need to tell her the real reason. :) I wish you well. I am also 6 months pregnant with my 3rd and my mom is still not going to be there and I feel okay about that!!! Good luck!

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R.

answers from Chicago on

It's not the nurses or doctors responsibility to monitor whose with with you during delivery--that's your responsibility. I had a three ring circus going with my first daughter. With my second, I politely told all relatives to stay home until the baby was born. Everyone totally understood. They were very gracious and supportive knowing that I just wanted my husband there. Your mom will understand (I hope!).

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K.R.

answers from Chicago on

When I was pregnant with my first, my mom and sister hinted that they would like to be there. I am the baby of the family and was afraid that they would take control or make me nervous. So for my first, I just told them both that since this was a situation I had not been in before, I really wanted it to be just my husband and I. I was also a little embaressed at having them see all of me.

Then after having my first, I realized that the doctor and nurses are truly in control of the room (not any of the spectators). My doctor even told me that I could have whomever I wanted in the room, but she would kick them out if she thought they were upsetting me or getting in her way. I also was not at all embaressed. When I was giving birth, I did not feel self-conscious about people seeing me. Your body is going through an amazing transformation and it is a much different feeling.

In the end, do what your heart tells you. I would suggest dealing with it sooner rather than later. On the day of your child's birth, you'll want to be enjoying the moment and not dreading having to tell your Mom something.

Congratulations on your baby-to-be and good luck on the big day!

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J.D.

answers from Chicago on

What about telling her you would like to labor just with your husband, but she can come in when you are ready to push. (That is, if you don't move too quickly! lol)
Good Luck! I had the nurse kick my mother in law out of my room when I was in labor with my oldest son.

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B.D.

answers from Chicago on

Tell her you and your husband will be in the delivery room. If she does not handle it well, you don't have to tell her you're in labor. Then after, tell her you were busy delivering the baby (techniquely your blood is in your uterus, not your head). Tell her Waaaaah!

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J.S.

answers from Chicago on

Honesty is usually the best, although not the easiest solution. She likely already knows she can be a bit difficult, so it probably won't come as any 'real' surprise.
Perhaps your honesty could help her to make an effort to be more supportive in future situations.
Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

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K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,
I was in the same situation with my mom; and I took my mom out to dinner and had a "heart to heart" with her. I let her know exactly how I felt about the delivery room...that this is "my" family and I need it to be just me and my husband in the delivery room...but once we get the okay - you can be the first one to meet the new baby. (that was with my first) and then I had to have the same conversation again when I had my second - because it was important to me that the BIG SISTER was the first to meet the baby and we had our first FAMILY moment without an audience. My mom totally respected my decision both times and understoon that she had to let the control go...and realize her baby was becoming a mom; which is really hard for them.
please, don't feel like you are alone...it is so very common!!! but your mom is just so excited for you and wants to be there...but you need to take control now; and let her see that you are now in charge!

best of luck to you and congratulations - it is such a wonderful and challenging road ahead.

K.

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N.T.

answers from Chicago on

there is nothing wrong with wanting only your husband in the delivery room with you. my MIL wanted to be in with me and I am a very personal person. I told her that I was only allowed to have 2 people but since it was not fair to only have one of the mothers that I was not going to have either. you and your husband created the child, you can be there all by yourselves and everyone else can be in the waiting room. CONGRATS and best of luck with the rest of your pergnancy!

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G.D.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,

My doctor actually told me that he would be happy to tell any family member that he preferred it to be just the delivering mom and dad in the delivery room. I would have loved to share the moment with my mom (she is a retired nurse), but I really wasn't comfortable with my mother-in-law in there at a time like that. So, we decided that it would just be us as not to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe you could put it that way to your mom...as being fair to everyone that would have liked to be in the delivery room with you. It is definitely a wonderful moment to share with your husband and an even more wonderful moment when you are together with your baby for the first time. Best of luck to you!

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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

I would let her know your wishes. This is about you and what you want. My mother-in-law wanted very much to be in the delivery room when I have birth. I understood that being that my son was their first grandchild.I just did not want anyone but my husband there and I let him know this.The nurses are also very helpful. My mother-in-law made it to the hospital right when I delivered, however, the nurses did not allow anyone to enter the room until I was taken care of and presentable.I say let your wishes be know!

Congratulations and Good Luck!

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J.S.

answers from Chicago on

I would explain to your mom that you would like this to be a private moment between you and your husband. If it gets touchy, you can always have the nurses tell her she'll need to wait in the waiting area.

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B.S.

answers from Chicago on

Be honest. Tell her you want just your hubby with you. Enjoy it's a wonderful experience. Nothing should distract from that.. it's good you know what you want. God Bless.

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M.E.

answers from Chicago on

Brina - Congratulations! My suggestion is be honest with your Mom. It is a very special time for you and your husband and you deserve to make the decision that benefits your family. Don't wait until the last minute as that would surely cause sad/hurt feelings to an excited Grandma.

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E.P.

answers from Chicago on

A new life is a special event for the parents. I believe that only your husband should be with you during the birth of your child. Mom can see the baby afterwards.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

As a Labor and Delivery Nurse and mother myself for 17 yrs I have encountered this issue all along. I always tell my patient and their support person that it is totally up to them. At our hospital their can only be one other person besides the support person anyway. How many people were around when this baby was conceived? This is a very personal matter for all and should be treated with respect for you and your desires. Don't feel bad about wanting it to be just you and your husband. You will never get this experience back, ENJOY IT!! The grandparents can certainly be in a family waiting room and come in after the patient, and room gets straightened up. The nurse is the liason between you and your family. Let her know your wishes and they will accomodate you.
Good Luck, J.

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L.

answers from Chicago on

I would be straightforward and say that you just want this to be between you and your husband. She might have a bit of difficulty with that because it is probably hard for her to let go of her daughter.

Maybe you can arrange for her to be in the waiting room and then the first to see the baby AFTER it is delivered. You can also work with the nurses to make sure they know your wishes in case she tries to come in early.

Good luck.

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G.T.

answers from Chicago on

If you're uncomfortable with telling your mom to stay out the l&d room then let the nurses know ahead of time and let them be the "bad guys" and quarantine your mom to the waiting room. I delivered at Loyola and the nursing staff there was GREAT about controlling who could and could not be in the labor and delivery area.

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C.S.

answers from Chicago on

I don't know where you plan to deliver, but at Edwards the Nurse actually asked me during a 'check' if I would like her to 'be the bad guy' and tell everyone to stay in the waiting room. I just let her do it. =) It was not something I wanted (everyone in the room) and it was nice that someone else had the 'authority' to make that happen for me.

They were allowed in my room while I was just waiting to get close enough to push.. since I had an epi it wasn't bad or anything. But when I was getting close, that's when she 'kicked them out'.

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A.S.

answers from Chicago on

Your hospital may not even allow her in anyway so I would ask them and then you use them as your scape goat. When I delivered my husband was the only one allowed in the room and one other but only AFTER she was delivered. They are getting stricter on things like that so you never know! Good Luck!

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J.

answers from Chicago on

my first baby
in the delivery room was my husband, mom, mother in law , 2 sister in laws and my father in law was in a chair up by my head

one sister in law did video the other did camera
my mom and husband held the legs and i think my mother in law paced

J.

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L.B.

answers from Peoria on

I would definetly have this conversation with her ASAP. Once the day of deliver comes, honestly, you won't feel like dealing with it!

I would just be honest with her and tell her that this being your first child, you want to experience this with just your husband. Your mother should understand your feelings.

My mother wanted to be in the delivery room as well, and i just told her frankly that it was something i wanted to only share with Billy. She was sad, but understanding.

Now, i just gave birth to my second child, and i DID allow her to be in the room, since i knew what to expect, and i knew how much it meant to her. So maybe think about letting her have the opportunity with your next child.

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A.V.

answers from Chicago on

First of all congrats to you both. I had a similar situation with my sister. Like you, I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings so I waited until the last minute and my husband told her it was just going to be the 2 of us. After the baby was born there was a little tension between us. She eventually told me that I should've told her from the beginning she would not be there. Now looking back, I should've just blamed my husband and told her that he really wanted it to be just the 2 us in the room. Hope this helps you.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

My suggestion is to tell your mom that, for your first baby, you'd like this experience to be just between you and your husband. I think that that's an reasonable request and shouldn't hurt her feelings. You aren't saying never...you're just saying "not right now." Good luck!

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M.O.

answers from Chicago on

I'm sorry that your relationship with your M. is such that you cannot communicate regarding this most special moment in both of your lives. My daughter did not ask. We were in the waiting room with his parents. She didn't ask and I didn't ask. I was told it would be just the two of them. It hurt a lot that she did not want me there but I respected her wishes. It hurts a M. when you are with your children through bumps and bruises, held their heads over the toilet with stomach flu, and listened to their problems through the teen years, and then you're not supposed to be say anything about wedding or baby plans. You certainly have the right to have it be you and your husband only but tell your M. early on. Don't be so impersonal as to have the doctor or nurse tell her. I hope you and your M. will reconcile your differences and learn to enjoy these special moments for both of you.

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C.

answers from Chicago on

I don't know where you're having your baby, but I had mine at Northwest Community Hospital in Arlington Heights, and when I went on the tour, they actually said that only one coach was allowed to be in the labor and delivery room - so that would be easy to tell her (maybe?). Good luck

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S.W.

answers from Chicago on

I think you should say something before the baby is born- mom I just want my husband in there with me when the baby is born- your welcome to come afterward. she may give you a hard time and if she does ignore it- or just repeat your sentence. I just want my husband in there with me.. perhaps when the time comes also tell the drs and nurses to make sure its just your husband in there. Congratulations! and good luck!

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J.N.

answers from Chicago on

Dear Brina,

This is a very private occasion and I understand where you are coming from. Why don't you invite them in whilst you are in the very early stages, which is what I did, but as soon as I got uncomfortable and near to the pushing stage my husband asked everyone to leave (we previously discussed this) and let me have some privacy. I can't see anyone taking offence to this and should respect your privacy as a woman! Anyway, by the time you are ready to push you won't be shy about asking them to leave and they will understand that too... You can feel very free to being over emotional at this stage ha ha....

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L.S.

answers from Chicago on

I really think it is your decision totally, but I really think your mom will be very insulted and hurt if you say no...maybe let her come in for awhile and then see how things go...Good luck with everything....L. -Chicago northside

K.L.

answers from Chicago on

The fact of the matter is that you will not know what you want until you are in labor. Explain this to her and let her know that you'd appreciate if she was present at the hospital and available if requested. I assumed I'd want my mom around for some labor but just my hubby, myself, my midwife and a nurse for the majority of the birth and for the labor. In the end I had my hubby, mom, grandma, MIL of all people and the midwife and 2 or 3 nurses in there and was grateful for them all!!! You just can't know so don't bother hurting her feelings prematurely. You'd be surprised by the number of women who want their mommies during labor--but you aren't a horrible person if you don't. Your worries are normal by the way! We all go through these darn scenarios while pregnant. God bless you. Katie

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R.A.

answers from Chicago on

talk to her beforehand. the last thing you want is drama when you are in labor or immediately post-partum! you might try bringing it up yourself (rather than waiting for her to hint at it again) in a relaxed way -- like a conversation about your birth plan, for example, or how you are so looking forward to having just your husband there with you because it will strengthen your relationship with him, etc. if you can think of a way to bring her back into a special place (like she will be the first one called once baby is born, or the first visitor, or you're really counting on her to make the first few meals once you get home) you might alleviate the whole problem!

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L.K.

answers from Chicago on

I would tell her ahead of time to prepare her otherwise she may feel blindsided. Even though I ended up having a c-section,I told my mom right away that my husband would be the only one in the room . I also told my family that the night we would be going home from the hospital we didn't want anyone over but wanted to settle in by ourselves. Good luck !

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C.B.

answers from Chicago on

I am a grandma of four, one daughter and one daughter-in-law. And i think it would be an invasion of privacy for any mother to want to be present at your baby;s delivery. I would not have wanted my mother to be present when i delivered, althoug it was unheard of in my time. Just tell your mom you dont feel comfortable with this idea and to please respect your feelings. She will have plenty of time to see the baby, believe me. Just be firm and dont get into any arguments about this. Good luck and happy baby to you

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C.K.

answers from Chicago on

When you arrive in your delivery room talk to the nurse and let her know what your intentions are. Let the nurse be the bad guy. Or tell your mom that its hospital policy.

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S.B.

answers from Chicago on

I know this is a hard one for you. I am a labor doula and have had many clients not want to have their moms in with them for the same reason you are saying or for other reasons. I think the best way to approach it would be to talk to your mom and just tell her that you and your husband talked and have decided that you wanted it to be just the two of you in the room when the baby is born, because it is a special bonding time etc. You dont have to go into details as to why really. And then, and if you are comfortable with it, you can tell her that right when the baby is born, someone can come get her to come in and see you, your husband and the new baby. Good luck.
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

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L.H.

answers from Chicago on

Hello, I'm 39 and 9 months with my 3rd child. my mother was at the hospital for the first two. I didnt let her stay in the room the entire time although there was a point with my first that i wanted my coach to leave and requested my mom come in.I think its good to have her there although I feel you I don't want mine in there and risk a disagreement or something I can't handle at that time. Although I will say she kinda steps back and looks to the Doc because its hard for them to watch us suffer in any form and the motherly love over rules the busy body when You're in pain. You may ask anyone to step out of the room at anytime for exams etc. Express that to your nurse and she will advocate for u!!Good luck and u will be fine!!!!

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C.G.

answers from Chicago on

I understand what you are dealing with. I had my first baby last Sept. and my mom wanted to be in the delivery room with us too. I took prepared childbirth classes at the hospital and the nurse actually went over the topic of having others in the delivery room. Some hospitals do not let you have more than 2 people and some leave it up to the doctor. I used the class as the excuse, I told her that becasue it was our first baby that they recommened that it only be my husband and I in the delivery room. You can also blame the doctor and say that he does not like others in the room being that it is your first baby. Stand your ground, it is an amazing experience and I am really glad that it was just my husband and I. I even decided that with my next baby it will only be him and I in the room. We also told our families ahead of time that we would not call them until the baby was born, that way they were not even at the hospital while I was in labor. We told them that it was pointless for them to be in a waiting room for hours until the baby was born, they eventually agreed with us. Good Luck!

M.H.

answers from Chicago on

Hi, Brina. I know how you feel. It would be so much easier if our moms would ASK if they could be present. My mom just announced she was going to be in the room. My now ex-boyfriend's mom was also accidentally in the room during the birth (it all happened so fast and she just kinda got trapped in there once the equipment was all rolled in). At that point, I honestly didn't care as long as people didn't get in my face and breathe on me (I have a thing about people breathing on me). I was also fairly young (22) and kinda appreciated my mom being there, since she had already been there, done that.

If I was in your situation, I would just tell your mom that it's a nice thought, but you'd like to share this with just your husband. It is a huge day in your relationship. And this is one way where you can start setting up the boundaries for your mom. She needs to learn that being overbearing won't always get her what she wants. She's going to be the grandmother on your terms, not hers. Another thing you can bring up is that you don't want so many people in the room you can't concentrate and stay comfortable. The more people there are, the more noise, and the more opinions about what decisions should be made. If it's just you, your husband, the doctor, and 2-3 nurses in the room, you're going to be in a lot more control and a lot more focused. Good luck!

M.
www.spiceglamup.com

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J.F.

answers from Chicago on

I would tell her that they only allow 1 person in the room for the delivery. If you don't feel comfortable telling her, then have your nurse tell her that this is the rule for delivery at this hospital.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

I probably wouldn't wait until that day because things get a little crazy. My mom was in the delivery room with my first and it was awful(she's not supportive either) so stand your ground. I think I would just have a nice conversation gently breaking the news. Just say that even though she's mentioned wanting to be in the delivery room you and your husband have decided to just have it be the two of you. Another thing about delivery day is sometimes there are so many different nurses or changing shifts you can't count on them to keep her out. If you're really nervous about this you could always wait until after you have the baby to call people. I know that sounds terrible but you might have more peace.

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J.B.

answers from Chicago on

I'd come out and tell her....though i certainly wouldnt tell her shes overbearing,,,,that probably wont go over well.
just tell her that you hope she will be there after you have the baby, that you want her to be one of the first to see her new grand baby, but that during labor and delivery you desire only to have your husband present so that you can together share in these intimate highly personal moments....
i cant see why she would be offended. many women choose not to allow their mothers in the room.
i think the only way it would be offensive is if you are letting other people besides your husband in the room.....if not, then i see no problem.

granted my mom is not remotely overbearing, she has witnessed 3 of my 6 births, and one of the other labors. she was a huge help and comfort to me.

Good luck and congratulations!

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R.K.

answers from Chicago on

ok, so i have one of those moms too! she tried to do what she wanted for my wedding too! wow! ia m not alone! ok, so here is what i did...
in the beginning i said to both mothers, mine and his, "this is soo important to me. i just want you both to be aware that I, as you already know, am an emotional wreck when i am not pregnant. Imagine what i am goign to be like the day i deliver our first baby! Please understand that this is very personal to Jamie (insert your hubby) and me. We would really liek to be able to bond as a family before anyone else gets to come in. i am goign to try to nurse, so i would like it to be just us from when i start pushing, till he/she is finished nursing the first time. Please understand that we are so greatful for you guys to be able to be there, but this is our first child and we really want to have a great family bond from minute 1! thanks for understanding. " hope it helps. it worked for me, since they knew upfront i didnt have a problem. i wish you all the luck. i also had to have the talk before hte baby with the moms that this is our child and i want to try to do this without their two cents, unless i ask. i needed to figure things out for myself on what works for me first! so far so good, the first one is 2 and the second is 3.5 months! yippee. you dont need the extra stress!

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M.J.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina! I was in your exact situation with the birth of our daughter. My mom has always been one of my best friends and I always 'thought' I'd want her in the delivery room with me and my husband. My husband was completely in disagreement and after we talked I saw his side ... the birth of our daughter was the beginning of 'our' family and there is no reason for anyone else (with the exception of my doctor and nurse) to be in the delivery room with us. I was completely honest with my mom (as I would have felt guilty being dishonest with her) and she took the news very well ... although I was afraid it might hurt her feelings or upset her. We called her the morning my contractions started to let her know (as well as other family members) and then when we were leaving for the hospital, then again when we were admitted and later that afternoon (after my epidural) her, my dad & sister, along with the in-laws came to visit. I was feeling no pain at that time and welcomed the company but once I was ready to start pushing they all left the room and went into the waiting area where they waited for 3 hours until our daughter was born. Once we were ready (stitched and cleaned up ... sorry TMI) my husband went and told everyone 'It's a girl' and then they all came in to meet her!! It was a beautiful day filled with wonderful memories and I wish you the same!!!

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C.P.

answers from Chicago on

tell your mother that the hospital will only allow your husband to be present for the birth & then make sure the nurses know that you don't want any other visitors during delivery. this is your day.

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A.J.

answers from Chicago on

Congratulations! I think you should tell your mom how you feel. You will hurt her feelings but if you don't stand up to her now and stick with your decision, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You are an adult and it is time for your Mom to stop controlling you. No one can control you unless you let them. There is a great book I read Boundries by Townsend. If you haven't stood up to her before be prepared for some resistance. I also think you should make it clear to the doctor, nurses and hospital that they aren't to let anyone in but your husband. You will be in no condition to make those decisions at the end. Most of all enjoy your pregnancy and the birth of your first child, it is the greatest experience in life. Good luck.

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J.W.

answers from Chicago on

By all means, do NOT wait until the last minute!

I'd suggest telling her --with levity, of course -- that unless you're a doctor, you and DH have decided that whoever wasn't in the room during conception doesn't get to be there during the delivery. You don't owe her any explanations or excuses.

Good luck!

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A.R.

answers from Chicago on

I was in exactly the same situation you are in and I decided to tell my mom that the doctor only allowed 1 person with me during delivery (and I designated my husband, explaining to my mom that he should participate in everything related to children/pregnancy/etc.). You can even ask your doctor to confirm that only one person is allowed (the doctors are normally very understanding and will help you out to keep someone out to decrease the stress level for you).

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G.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,

I've been in your shoes... my sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time and just because she had the whole family in the room with her they assumed it would be the same with me... so I nicely let them know that I prefer privacy and would only like for my husband to be in the room with me. I think that that is all the information you need to give to "Mom" and she should simply respect that request. If she insists I would just tell her sternly to please respect your wishes so as not to make it anymore stressful for you. I would also inform the nurses and doctors of your wishes.

It will work out,

Mrs. Maul

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,

Having had a rather odd birth experience myself, I would recommend straight out telling your mom. I also only wanted my husband in the room. I love my mom, but I get claustrophobic very quickly and I did not want a single extra person there while I was trying to deliver. It was my husband, the doctor and one nurse, that's it. Here's the odd part - there were two actually. 1. my water broke a month early, so if I had waited until the week before delivery to tell everyone my birth plan, it would have been too late. 2. I told the nurses and doctors when I checked in that I only wanted my husband in the room. However, since everything was so unexpected and rushed, my mom had no idea what was going on or what stage of delivery I was in when. She went up to the nurses station and they sent her right to my room - she walked in right as I was pushing! My daughter is 16 months old now and my mom is still mortified about this. She had every intention of respecting my wishes, she just didn't know where she was going or what was going on!

Think of this as practice for when your baby actually arrives. You will have to gently, but firmly tell people "no" a lot. It's hard, especially when it's all out of love, but you have to do what is best for you and your baby. If you are anxious or uncomfortable in any way during the birth, it can actually inhibit the labor and make it a longer, more intense process for you and the baby. Obviously that is not good for either of you. You can phrase it to your mom that this is your "birth plan" - you and your husband will check in to the hospital, have the baby and then let people know when it is ok to come visit. It's up to you whether or not you even want them in the waiting room.

You know your mom, she may feel a little upset when you tell her, but maybe pair it with something else that allows her to be involved - like maybe ask her to stay the first weekend or organize the christening or something. Or emphasize that it's not just her, you don't want anyone except your husband in the delivery room. You'll be able to frame it in a way that she knows she is loved and included, just not in the room.
Good luck!
MC

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S.R.

answers from Chicago on

Your an adult, call her AFTER you deliver to invite her for a visit. Trust me you really don't have time or energy to mirco manage the details when it is all happening. One nurse lets her slip in and your whole experience changes. This is a memory you want to hold on to with your husband for life.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Do not wait until you get to the hospital and wait to see how "things pan out". You need to be focusing on the birth of your first child that day, not worrying about how you are going to tell your mom she isn't allowed in the delivery room. There is also a chance that you would just let her in b/c you don't feel like dealing with it and then you will be resentful towards her. I'm sure it's difficult to stand up to her if she is controlling, but you need to. Simply explain that you and your husband are starting YOUR family and that you only want the two of you in the room. Don't leave this up to the nurse or dr. to handle (it's not their job)....DO IT NOW, then you won't have to worry about it the day of the birth. It might be an uncomfortable conversation, but one that needs to take place. Good luck!

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G.R.

answers from Chicago on

Hi,

I would let your mom know now that this is an important time for you and your husband. Don't wait until labor and delivery day as you might not be able to tell her then given how you are feeling. It is a special time for your and your husband and your new baby. She will have plenty of time with her grandchild later. I've had two children with just my husband present and that was so important to us. I am also a grandma now and would have been in the delivery room with my daughter for her two sons if she had wanted me but she asked me not to be there but said she would really need me once she came home from the hosptial. Best to let her know now.

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L.K.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,
Let me just say, don't do it. If your mom is anything like mine, (I feel bad talking about her like this also,) but I had her in there for my first one and it was like a three ring circus! Mine is not controlling, but feels she needs to make light of certain situations, including deliver and labor. It was nice at first, but when the laughing stopped because labor became intense, I started to really get unnerved. I behaved myself (because there was a camera on me, thanks to my father, while I was even trying to focus and do my breathing while he made jokes at me), but it was not relaxing at all. Even the nurses were making comments about them and the camera. I thought my mom would have been more supportive and less (trying) to be funny than she was because she had gone through it. After it was all said and done, my husband and I were very upset that it wasn't just the two of us sharing that extremely special moment together, since we were the ones that brought him into this world. Needless to say our next one, was just us and we absolutely savored every single moment. Yes mom was upset but I gave her a job and that was to watch my son when we went into the hosp. to have this baby. Then with our surprize thrid one, there was no problem with my mom, because they would only allow 3 people tops in there and my 12year old son and my 10 year old daughter were there to bring our new baby into the world (my daughter even cut the cord) That was the best delivery ever!! No offense to your mom and I know its going to be hard, but you can talk it over with your DR> and they will gladly be the bad guy and tell her she can't come in. That is THEIR rule. Good luck to you and best wishes for the new [email protected]
L.

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J.C.

answers from Rockford on

I would not delay. This is one of the most important times in you and your husband's lives together. You do what you want. You are the mom now. If she is difficult during things like weddings and childbirth, just wait until you have the baby. It could become unbearable. Stop it in it's tracks now, lay down the law, and be firm. You do not want this to continue once the child is born. If you do not clearly state how it is going to be now, you will have more problems down the line. You do not have to get into a drama with her, but you do need to live your life with your new family in peace and not have to constantly worry about mom.

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C.C.

answers from Chicago on

Hi Brina,
Congratulations on expecting your first child!
Please know that labor and delivery is expected to be a special time for you and your partner (and whoever is designated by you to be on your birthing team...consider also having a doula - a doula is someone specially trained to provide emotional and other support for a women having labor and delivery - not a substitute for the rest of your birthing team - not a subsitute for ob-gyn, nurse, midwife, spouse).
I have given birth here in Illinois three times and have never asked my mother or mother-in-law to be present during labor and delivery.
What you CAN do with your Mom is to explain that you and spouse need a certain amount of time to bond with your new baby as you become a family together and then you will welcome additional family members to join you. Assure your Mom that you honor her role in becoming a grandparent and that she will also have some time with her new grandchild but this is AFTER you and your spouse are ready for this.

Please know additional resources are available at www.birthlink.net (this can help you find a doula and I consider this site a supplement to the support you are receiving at mamasource).

Again congratulations on becoming a MOM!
C.
mom of three and pregnancy yoga teacher in Naperville

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G.H.

answers from Chicago on

Be honest with her now. She'll have time to absorb that her "baby" needs to do some things without her...it's your choice...you sure don't want the most painful and stressful to become more stressful or painful Good luck mommy

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E.B.

answers from Chicago on

You have to be honest with her. Tell her about your concerns. don't put it on the nurses. If you do, you're basically lying to your mom.

Also, it may be a good idea to have someone there in addition to your husband. A friend that has given birth already or a doula.

Good luck!

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S.T.

answers from Chicago on

My mom and mother-in-law both hinted that they would love to present for the birth of their first grandchild. My husband and I made it clear at the beginning that we wanted that time just of the two of us. We explained that this was a special time that we felt should remain private between us. I told them they were welcome in as soon as I was out of labor and delivery and that my husband would keep them up-to-date on the progress. They respected our decision. If I were you I would let your mom know sooner then later. Telling her isn't something you need to worry about on delivery day.

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M.R.

answers from Chicago on

The hospital where I delivered was more than happy to be the 'bad cop' in case the mother needed them to be.

On the other hand, I'm reading some interesting things in your post:

"she tends to be overbearing and controlling..."

"she has been difficult in similar situations..."

Have a long talk with your husband about united parenting, because although I do not know your family I can totally see her driving you nuts and making you anxious when the baby arrives. It sounds like she might criticize you and micromanage every aspect from feeding to sleeping to dressing to bathing the baby, you name it. While it might be easier for the nurses/doctor to play bad cop, this also might be a first opportunity to asserting your 'motherhood' over your own child. I'm not saying to shut her out; I'm just saying that you may need to be a little assertive.

Good luck to you and best wishes for a happy delivery!

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T.S.

answers from Chicago on

Agree with Cydni. My nurse was like my body guard. Lol.

I deliverd at Good Shepherd in Barrington. Actually, my mom was in the room with me with son #1 and my mom and sister were in with son #2 (along with husband). I didn't plan on my sister being there, but she was there when I started and I asked her if she wanted to stay. I remember looking over at her while pushing and she was holding back the tears. It was awesome.

That being said, when I was taken to the hospital, my husband called my in-laws and told them that I was going to the hospital and he WOULD CALL THEM LATER to tell them the status. Yea, they showed up right before I was getting the epidural. At that point, I was uncomfortable with the contractions and I leaned over to my nurse and quietly said, "Please get them out of here." She did and didn't even make it look like it came from me. I was SO grateful!

So, if you want to avoid an uncomfortable situation, just make it clear when you get there. You should have some alone time in the room with your nurse(s) and you can make your intentions clear.

Also, if I wanted to have anyone else in the room with me I had to get approval from my doctors. You can tell your Mom that your doc said no? Just an idea.

Congrats and GOOD LUCK!

T.

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B.F.

answers from Chicago on

My mom did the same - and I said very nicely "mom, you weren't there when I conceived". I just told her that for our first baby we really needed the bonding experience on our own. (And it was GREAT). My mom & dad came to visit us later that day in the hospital. She hinted about it for our second baby & I just basically said... we'll need you to stay with Olivia (our first) and then be the one to bring her up there for the first time. THIS was very important & they were both just soooo excited to visit. And I made sure they were are very first visitors with "special priority". (We had gifts packed for them).

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M.G.

answers from Chicago on

If you don't want a confrontation, I would think that a little white lie would be okay in this situation. Just tell her that the hospital or dr. only allows one other person in the room(your husband). It might not even be a white lie, most places are like that. Good luck and remember this is your time in life,no one elses!

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W.J.

answers from Rockford on

I would just tell her that you and your husband talked it over and you only want him in the delivery room. If she doesnt like it too bad its your baby, she will have to get over it.

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

Your decision to want only your husband there is perfectly normal. You might as well start now standing up to your M. because she will continue in her behavior until you do. Here's something my daughter said to me as soon as I started putting in more than my two cents worth, "M., you had your opportunity to raise kids and now Joe and I want to have our turn and raise jerry the way we want to." It was just the nicest way to tell me exactly what she needed to say, that she wanted to raise her child her and her husbands way. Do not put off telling your M. and hoping that events will prevent her coming to the delivery room. For one thing, check with your doctor's nurse, maybe there already is a policy to only allow husband's or one person. You will be surprised how easy it will be to speak up to your M., the world will not end and take it from a grandmother, she will not want to jeporadise her relationship with you if it will interfere with her seeing her grandchild.

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J.M.

answers from Chicago on

Brina
I was in exactly the same situation, except it was my sister-in-law (my husband's sister) that kept dropping hints. I just told them (my SIL, my mom and sister) that they could be there while I was in labor but while I was pushing they all had to be gone (unless I all of a sudden changed my mind) because I would need to concentrate and having 10 people all counting for me would not be helpful! I also said that if at any point during labor I wanted them out that they shouldn't be mad but that was just the way my body and mind were feeling and that was going to be best for the baby. This way I could have them there if I wanted but still had an "out" if I wanted them out! They all seemed to be fine with this in theory but it was never put to the test because I had a scheduled c-section for my little breech princess (you can't keep your crown on if you're upside down!). Maybe we'll get to see how it works with the next one. I would definitely talk to your doctor at your next appointment and the nurse that admits you at the hospital about your wishes and talk to your mom soon.
Congratulations and Good Luck
J. M

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J.D.

answers from Decatur on

Brina

lots of hospitals only let the hubby or coach in the delivery room. and sometimes it's doctor's disrection who if any one beyond the one support person. Tell mom that you have checked with the doctor and it's a no go. be sure to ask just to know and have an answer ready when she brings the subject again. I had to have special written permission per my doctor for the hospital. The hospital was saying no against 2 people in the delivery room with me.Times have changed but I would say check with the hospital where you are going to deliver as well as the doctor. maybe one or both have opposition against "extras" in the delivery room at the time. And you know.........unless you live with mom,you don't have to call her when you go into labor......good luck!!!! J.

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C.T.

answers from Chicago on

When we had our baby about 9 months ago my husband wanted HIS mother in the delivery room with us also. I wasn't comfortable with the idea but decided not to take on the stress of it while I was is labor. Thankfully she chose to remain in the waiting room with other family.

As far as your situation, if you don't feel like you can talk with your mom frankly and let her know that this is a moment that you would like to share with your husband alone you could enlist the help of nurses. Labor and delivery nurses are pros at making delivering moms more comfortable. Just ask them if they would tell your mom that your doctor doesn't like extra people in the delivery room. That lets them be the bad guy. But definately do what is the best for you and you alone. This is such an important day and you don't want to have regrets later down the road.

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A.W.

answers from Chicago on

I totatlly understand how you feel, my mom is the same way my husband and I decided we wanted it just to be me and him during the labor so we just told both families that we would call them when the baby was born. I should also tell you my daughter is the first grandchild on both sides so it made it even more difficult but we also had an advantage as we lived 2 1/2 hours away from both sets of grandparents.

You just neeed to be strong and tell your mom that you and your husband want just the two of you in the room, I'm sure she will be hurt but she should understand. Let her know she is more than welcome to wait in the waiting area and as soon as the little one has arrived they can come see the baby. But you need to feel relaxed and comfortable with the birth.

Good luck,
A.
mother too a wonderful 3yr old daughter and married to an amazing husband for 8yrs.

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R.C.

answers from Chicago on

I can TOTALLY relate to this!
For my 1st 2 kids, my Mom worked at the hospital I delivered at, and even when I was there for testing (we had several problems with the 2nd pregnancy) she showed up ALL the time. Checking the charts, being bossy, even telling the other nurses what to do, etc.

So I didn't tell her when I was scheduled to be induced for the 1st, and the 2nd was an emergency C-section. We didn't clal her for any of our kids (including the 3rd, delivered at a different hospital, again by emergency C-section) until after they were born & I was in my room.

Don't tell her until it's over! (You can always say you were in pain & forgot, or it all happened so fast... etc, etc.)
This is YOUR moment. She's already had hers! LOL
Good luck!

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H.Q.

answers from Chicago on

I felt the same way about my mother 'n law when I delivered my daughter. She took pictures when my sister 'n law gave birth and proceeded to show them to EVERYONE. I felt that no one (but my husband and doctors) needed to see "my business" and the last thing I wanted to do while trying to give birth was worry about if and where she was taking pictures. So, we banned everyone from the room. I just said that it was something my husband and I wanted to share together and that we didn't want any other "non-medical" people in the room. She wasn't happy, but she respected our wishes. And, if you let the nurses know, they will make sure that people stay out!!! Good luck!

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