I live in an apartment building downstairs from a couple with a child that is only one month older than my 12 month old. The walls and floors here are very thin and there is something going on which I cannot ignore.
Their baby cries constantly. At first they said it was colic, but now their baby is 13 months old. I can hear them, and it seems mostly to be a problem when only the father is home, mocking the baby when she cries. This morning I heard her scream and cry for over half an hour and he completely ignored her. I know it sounds like I'm butting in, but my gut feeling is that this baby is being neglected. It's not just a matter of letting her "cry it out" either. This also seems to be mainly happening when only the father is home. As a mother I would want to know if this was happening in my family, but I certainly don't feel comfortable going up there and telling her that I think the father is doing something wrong. I don't think she's being abused, but I really feel like my concerns are valid and, not just as another mother but as a human being I feel like I have a responsibility to say something to someone.
Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do?
First of all, thanks so much for all the responses. This is a very difficult situation and I appreciate all of the input.
I'd like to say, because some of the responses I got said that they only grounds I had were a lot of crying. I did mention in my request that I also consistently heard the parents mocking the child. I do think that, when taken into consideration with the unusual amount of crying, I had/have something to be concerned about.
I printed out an excellent pamphlet for handling the cries of a child. I also highlighted some of the parts that I know apply to their situation, such as "try not to get frustrated" and the fact that answering a baby's cry won't spoil it but instead will teach her to trust you as her parents and she'll in fact cry less. Anyhow, my point in doing this was partially to help them and spur them to get the help they may need in parenting, but also to let them know that someone is listening. This way I don't put myself out there for possible retaliation or other consequences and hopefully the print out will do some good. If the mocking and other things that I've heard (more than "just crying") continue I will take further action by notifying the state.
Thanks so much to you moms!
I would just add that an anonymous call to DSS or CPS can help you decide how you can proceed. I am certain that they receive many calls that start out, "I believe something is wrong, but I don't know how to help." They'll know the right ways to investigate the issue.
Can you have a heart to heart with the mom??? If not, call DSS and see if you can do it anonymously. You are in a tough situation and I feel badly for you. Best of luck.
Please access www.masskids.org
This organization is very close to my heart. There's a lot of information on their website that may help you make the right decision.
Yvonne
Hi kathleen - I am more than sure that you should have that conversation with the authorities... What I would do is simply invite them to your house for a few hours.
This child cannot defend itself and it is up to us to defend them.... please - make the call asap.
My opinion is that you should call DCF IF you truly feel something is wrong. BUT, babies do cry. My son is 2, and still cries for over a 1/2 hr every time he wakes up from his nap. After awhile nothing works and I just have to let him go and let him calm himself down. I would say there's not much this father can do. There's no yelling, banging...i wouldn't be too worried. I also live in an apartment, and last week HEARD my neighbor slap her son....that is a good reason to call DCF. Again, go with your gut, but it sounds like there isn't really that much going on.
You have gotten a lot of good advice. I would just add that if you are still uncertain what to do, you might consider speaking with your pediatrician or your priest/pastor/rabbi. They might be able to offer you a different perspective or help you articulate your concerns if/when you do involve the authorities. Good luck and God bless you for your concern for the child.
I think I'd probably call CPS.
Listen to your instincts. It's there for a reason.
What worse?
Feeling embarrassed because you were wrong you made the call?
OR
Feeling guilting and ashamed for being right and NOT making the call?
Protect the children!
If you really feel that this baby is being neglectd or mistreated, it is your legal responsibility to place a call to the child welfare agency in your area ( In NH, every citizen is a mandated reporter)This means you MUST call if you feel a child is being neglected or abused. If you do not feel you can approach the mother, you can call in a report without giving your name. Just call and state the facts of what you are witnessing. I do not know where you are posting from, but the number should be in your local phone book.
Hi
You are right to be concerned and right to not want to "butt in". The woman could become very defensive if you approach her. If you are really concerned about the child then it is worth offending her. I would suggest you get her when the father is not around. You can tell her that you are not sure how to approach this but that you thought she should know (chances are she is aware the guy is a jerk) - mocking a baby if f*cked up! You can also call DSS and see what they suggest.
Stand up for the child.
my gut feeling is to call children's services - probably other neighbors have heard it too and will be interviwed- but tell Children's Services you want to make an anonymous complaint... I think you are a good citizen to look out for a helpless baby and its a hard call, a scary one, to know what to do, my heart would be breaking too- i've called the police on random occasions- one time I drove past and saw two sleeping kids in an SUV in town- I'm sure the parents were at the park, but it bothered me so much (warm day) that I called anonymously...drove by again, car was gone!
Try to talk with the mother, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Begin gently--mention that you can't help but hear the "new" dad getting frustrated by the baby's crying. (So what if it is "only" colic? The baby and dad are both miserable, and if he is immature or aggressive, that child needs protection _before_ things get severe.) If it's feasible, offer to babysit for a few "sanity breaks" so dad can go take a walk when he's at the end of his rope. And if none of this helps, call child welfare authorities. Your instincts might avert a tragedy.
First, take notes.. document precisely what you hear.
Second, call DSS and give them your documentation. Or can you talk with the landlord?
You should be kept anonymous... but be careful.
Kids are such a precious resource and need our protection. That dirtbag father doesn't. Maybe he needs help, but it sounds like that child could use more.
Go with your "gut"feeling...this is a tough one though,You could call DSS and not give your name BUT they ask ALOT of questions so be prepared,I have called on someone before,they actually make you feel like your wrong or making the info up.I think they do that b/c they probaly get alot of false calls..so stand strong and have some valid info..keep notes ect..but please follow you gut you are most likey correct.Take Care...Be Careful!Ps-What does ur hubby say????
Hi Kathleen,
Good for you for being concerned.
Before going straight to DDS, I'd mention parenting classes. There's also a baby cry recognition called Dunstan Baby Language. Unfortunately it hasn't been proven scientifically, but it does have it's merits. I saw it on the Oprah Winfrey show. It looked like it worked and Oprah was able to recognize what the babies were indicating with their sounds. It's worth a try, especially when a parent isn't responsive to a baby's needs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunstan_Baby_Language
You can view the sounds and what they mean at this site.
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/oprahshow1_ss_20...
The show that introduced the interpretations.
http://dunstanbaby.com/
Where to purchase this program.
Good luck,
: ) Maureen
If you call Dept of Children and Families they will go to that home and talk with the parents. The parents will now know that they are being watched and that someone can hear their child cying and may be able to figure out it was you that called. If they seem to be the type to retailiate then I wouldn't call DCF.
If you have any kind of relationship with the mother then I would mention that her child doesn't sound happy staying with the father and that you can hear her crying ALOT when she's alone with him. Let her know that he doesn't seem to be able to comfort the child and suggest she get him someone to help out with childcare. (maybe you can help out/have playdates?) Again the father will now know someone can hear the child and maybe be more attentive to her needs.
This is such a difficult situation to be in and hope you can find a solution that works.
Hi Kathleen,
Follow your gut. Call the Department of Children's Services in your area and report your concerns. The report can be anonymous. We all can get stressed and "lose it" sometimes, but if you have real concerns you have a moral obligation to report it.
Getting personally involved is not really helpful as you really can't help this family and they will suspect you if you ultimately have to report them. Babies do cry, sometimes alot. It can be very stressful for even mature, experienced parents. The "mocking" you mention concerns me the most. This is clearly a sign of someone who is not coping well and could escalate.
Social services usually can provide additional services to families in need which can reduce the stress at home and make it a safer, more loving environment for baby.
At worse the family will be temporarily inconvenienced. At best you may save a life.
J. L.
Your only evidence is that this child is crying. We as parents need to show some compassion for each other and lose the judgement. This does not sound like something you call DSS for. I am a mandated reporter- an LICSW, and I do not think this calls for a report.
Kathleen,
I feel if you think the baby is being abused you should call.
When my son was little about the same age as the baby you describing he cried and cried and cried. He cried more when I was not home. My neighbors thought me and my husband were neglecting him also. He cried more when I was not home, only because he wanted only me. My son had an awful condition that when you touched his skin it felt awful to him. He was so sensitive to everything, everything bothered him. He hated all food, the texture of food made him cry. So he screamed and cried until was around 3, I would use techniques of brushing my sons skin so he would get used to being touched. It worked wonders on him. My neighbor came to me and asked why he was always crying, apparently she was becoming annoyed thinking we were bad parents. So I had her come in and explain what was going on with my child. She said she was going to call DSS, but decided to talk to me first. I am glad she took the time to politely ask me before she did something. So maybe you can somehow become friendly with the mom and ask her also. But certainly call if you really think the baby is being abused. Sorry for the long story but I think you should know of other reasons.
Kathleen,
I work for a head start agency and therefore am a mandated reporter. Here is what I have learned. It's better to call and make that report and have it on file than not. If yours is the only call then they probably won't do anything about it. But if someone has called before they can investigate it. Or if you call and they keep that on file and someone else calls then they know there were already concerns. But as someone pointed out before, it could be that the dad is just stressed out because the baby cries so much for him. I would try to befriend the mom and maybe you could offer to babysit sometime. Maybe when you hear the dad having a really hard time, if you are already friends with the mom, then you may feel comfortable going over and saying "hey why don't I give you a break for a little bit."
Good luck with the situation.
Maybe you could anonymously call the police or other child welfare office and see if they can do a welfare check.
Unfortunately I had a daughter that cried ALL the time, and everyone has different parenting styles. If I knew she was fed, clean and healthy I ignored if she cried. Even if I did hold her, she would cry excessively. Thank God I didn't live in an apartment because someone might have called the cops on me for as loud as she cried. I have also seen that dad's do tend to handle the children differently than mothers. If you are really concerned about it and feel that the mother should be made aware of it, go over there when you know the mom is the only one home and mention that when the dad is home the child cries the whole time and keeps your child up from naps....you make the mom aware of the problem without implying that the dad is doing anything wrong. That way it just makes it seem like the child is disturbing your child's rest.
Just to play the devils advocate, what could be happening is that the child is sad because the mother isnt home, which would explain why it happens only when the father is home alone with her. My husband tells me that my son cries a lot when im not home (hes 15 months old). Unfortunately, the father mocking her could just be a sign of his frustration with the situation. Im not excusing his behavior, and I know my husband doesnt do this with my son when he cries from missing me, but it could be one plausible explanation of the situation.
Or you could be completely correct about whats happening.
I agree that if you really believe there is something inappropriate going on, you should speak with the mother, without the father there. She may get angry, but at least you tried.
This is a difficult situation. Good luck.
You need to call your local social services. File an official report. Follow up to make sure they are doing something.
Once you file that report, call the police every time the baby cries for an extended period of time. This way the visits will be documented. Once the police are called in, social services will have to follow up.
You should also document the behaviors yourself. Keep a log of dates, times and lengths of the crying. If you can hear what the parents are saying, write down their words as well.
Obviously something needs to be done, but interfering in a more personal way, like going to these people yourself, is not going to help.
They need professional intervention.
Everyday we hear about children being abused or even killed by their own parents, out of ignorance and lack of education. These people probably just don't know how to care for their child.
If something happened, you would never forgive yourself.
Make the call!
-S.
If you can hear the father mocking the baby, it sounds like it's more than just sensory issues or "colic". I know it's a tough position but I would either talk to the mom or call DSS immediately. There's a defenseless child that needs help.
Call the Department of Children and Families in your state as an anonymous party. They will investigate and even if they do nothing, they will at least provide the family with information about help they can receive and put them on notice which may make them realize they cannot simply do what they want. This child must be cared for!
Hi Kathleen,
I feel for you! I had a similar (but temporary) experience in a hotel once. I have to say that I disagree with the other ladies about calling DSS, at least without talking to the parents first. Imagine the mother's position there, if some random stranger dared to butt in anonymously - not even bold enough to confront the mother herself, smearing her motherhood by dragging DSS into her life!
I do think, for your own peace of mind, that you should strike up a conversation, either when you are hearing the baby cry (maybe go offer to watch the child for a while to give the dad a break??) or offer a quick "playdate" with your child to distract the child from missing her mother (where you could also watch the dad interact with his baby...like someone said...the dad COULD be holding her, etc to no avail). Or you could follow a previous suggestion of talking to the mom and letting the conversation wander to dads and babies.
I wish you the best of luck, and you'll always wonder if you don't do ANYthing, but at the same time, please don't drag a family through DSS if you haven't gotten more concrete proof of what's going on.
How horrible for you! Although you may feel like you are butting in I would make sure you somehow mention it to the mom. Perhaps you can strike up a conversation very soon with her about babies and let the topic casually wander toward how husbands deal with crying. Then mention that you hear her little one crying a lot when her husband is home. Change the topic quickly after that, but make sure you get your point in! See if that helps any. If the crying does not stop I would say something directly to her. Such a bad situation to be in. But as you are the only other person who knows about this you have a responsibility to say something for the baby's sake.
Give DSS a call although with my experience w/ them they are completely useless and good for nothing. My oldest once came home at the age of 3 w/ a handprint on his butt and I called them they came 3.5 weeks later and asked him what happened yeah like a 3 year old can remember and then they told me they couldn't do anything until he came home w/ broken bones and to call them then they were recently here bc my 7 yr old doesn't get bathed at his dad's, comes home smelling and extremely hungry, and doesn't recieve his asthma preventatives which make for a really rough few days for us called them again and guess what again they have done nothing know neglect was found how not giving medication isn't found as neglect is beyond me but thats what they say. These people don't really care about anything you might get further by talking to the mom your children are about the same age maybe you could start w/ a play date at the park. My 2 year old cries all the time but he has a lot of sensory issues.
