Longing for Baby #2. - Lakeville,MN

M.,

I'm a grandma so hope you don't mind my advice. I really think having children too close together is very difficult. I would advise about 3 years apart for parents to maintain their sanity and for each child to have a good chance to develop. Like you I was longing for a second baby as I came home from the hospital with my first but their 4 year space has kept them close even into adulthood and I savored each one's babyhood.

Grandma Joanie

My sister and her husband struggled over that as well after their daughter was born. She was and still is a wonderful child. Thankfully, they opted to have a 2nd and Isabel is quite different than her older sister but just as wonderful. They are 5 years apart and very close.

My only advice is to make sure you and your husband agree to have the second one. My husband agreed to the third and now I am forever hearing, "You wanted the third one. I was happy with two." I couldn't say anything negative during my pregnancy. It was awful and he brings it up every time we argue--that I had to have the third. (I wanted to try for a girl and we got one). Don't get me wrong, he loves his daughter, he just gets frustrated w/ the chaos a 3rd child has brought into the house. A second was easier and I remember when my first was born there was no question we would have another one. My son would not have been a very good only child. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage who is an only child (well, for her mother anyway) and she is a spoiled brat and is not very good at sharing. The ironic thing is we thought she would be terrible when we had a girl and she actually bonded more with this baby than the boys.

Good luck with your decision.

We chose to have our kids 3 1/2 years apart so that we could enjoy our first without rushing him out of babyhood. He was also old enough to participate in preparing for the baby, even "choosing" the name. And, surprisingly, they do actually play together, and my youngest has the biggest case of hero worship I've ever seen! People told me the same thing--that my second would be "paybacks" for having such an easy baby the first time around. It's baloney--babies' temperaments are what they are, and I now have two pretty easy kids. (Don't get me wrong, there are always challenges and upsets with each child, but I don't look at the second one and think, "the first was easier.") Remember, you might feel like #2 is actually easier because you've been through it all before. I, for one, spent WAY less time with my nose buried in parenting/ baby books, so I was able to enjoy the time more. You need to do what feels right to you, and yes, make sure you and hubby agree before taking the plunge.

Hey M.!

I was in the exact same boat you are! :)

I knew that I wanted to have 2 kids & so did my husband, but he had more reservations once our son was born. Our son is fabulous - really well behaved, verbal from an extremely early age, very bright. DH is worried that #2 won't be like Chase (of course they won't!), but he seems to dwell on the negatives - maybe it's a guy thing.

I am an only child & actually was offended one of the earlier comments. My husband has a brother (they aren't all that close), but their family dynamic was quite different from mine which probably contributed to their emotional distance. I appreciate being an only child - it was a difficult decision for my parents to make, but they knew they could only afford one (they were both schoolteachers at the time). Now that I'm older, it might be nice to have a sibling, but it doesn't affect my life whatsoever - I never wanted for playmates or attention. I am far from spoiled (most people are surprised I'm an only). I guess I just wanted to say being an only isn't the worst thing in the world... maybe harder for parents than for the child.

Anyway - I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with #2 & we're all thrilled. Our son will be 4 in 2 weeks, and the spacing is ideal for us. Chase is interested in the baby, he has nicknamed #2 "Sunny" until we find out gender, and he is old enough to better understand that we're adding someone to the family - not replacing him. I honestly couldn't imagine being pregnant with a toddler to chase around at the same time!

My husband wasn't overly thrilled at first - I love the timing, he would have preferred to wait until after the first of the year. He had the same fears your husband seems to have. My advice is just to talk to your husband - I had a lot of luck when I just laid all of my feelings out on the table... at least it opened up the conversation. On the bright side, DH is really excited now - he was nervous until he saw the first ultrasound. Maybe you can find a middle ground where you have a second child, but the timeline is a little lengthier so he feels more confident as a dad & gets to spend more time with your son as an "only." :)

Good luck!
J.
Mom to Chase (almost 4) & "Sunny" (due 6.2.08)

You and your husband need to be on the same page with this issue. I just had my second on Thanksgiving and my 21 month old isn't happy about it. Having a second is much easier if you and your husband both really want the baby since two is a lot more work. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I don't have any advice for you, but I can offer a different perspective. I have two younger brothers. One is 18 mos. younger than me and the other is 10 years younger than me. My relationship with my "little" brother has always been much closer than my relationship with my brother who is close to my age, and it continues to be that way to this day. When we were kids, the elder brother and I fought a lot. Everything was about competition for us. With my younger brother, I helped take care of him from the day he was born. We have always had such a special relationship -- granted, up until adulthood it was more of a parent/child type relationship than a sibling relationship. I can't say what's right for your family, but I can tell you that closeness in age does not automatically mean emotional closeness.

Good Luck!

This sounds really stupid, but I think you ought to just tell him how you feel. Tell him you'd really like another and think that your son deserves to have the opportunity to have a sibling, now, as he grows and into adulthood. Tell him about your hopes and dreams for your family in the near and distant future. Tell him that if you have another, you don't want them far apart in age, so time is of the essense here. Let him know how much you want to experience everything as a mother, just one more time. Be sure he understands how serious you are and let him know that you want a definate answer from him (maybe tell him you'd like to talk again in a week to hear what he thinks, give him some time to really think about it and consider what action you can take together). I've always found that being sensitive to my husband's needing time to think combined with setting a date to talk about WHAT WE PLAN TO DO works well. Otherwise, we tend to leave it at me airing feelings, my husband taking it all in, and no real decission or course of action being agreed upon.
Another idea might be making an appointment for some couples counceling to have someone help you really express how important this is to you and work out a solution to your disagreement. When my husband and I had a continually resurfacing disagreement, we sought couceling (we had a male couples councelor, which I really think helped my husband feel more comfortable). After only one or two sessions, my husband began to cry and said, "I never realized how you really felt about this. I'm so sorry." Once he realized the impact of his actions upon me, the problem went away because he changed his behavior. Sometimes, we can tell them the same thing every day, but once someone else is there to really help hash out the feelings and can say to your spouse, "This is how your wife feels. How do you feel about that?" does it really sink in. My guess is, once he truely realizes how important this is to you, he'll feel differently!
Hope this helps. Keep us all posted on what happens!

M.,
You've probably gotten all kinds of encouragement by now, but just wanted to add my two cents. I have a 1 year old also and was getting really anxious about getting pregnant with #2. I haven't gotten my period yet though and am still breastfeeding AND have PCOS so it's a confusing time. I didn't want to wean my son just to take a chance on being able to get pregnant again. Anyway, I spoke with a friend a couple weeks ago and her kids are 3 years apart. The kids still play together and look like they are going to be close siblings. She said that her oldest actually could help out a lot more with #2 and that her neighbor girl who is a year younger always tried to pick up (and then would drop) the baby because she was too young to understand not to. It put my mind at ease. Maybe spend this time trying to talk to your husband more about why he's scared of having another. It might be good for him to think about it and talk to you and then you can work through together. You have some time!!
Good Luck

Hi M.,
You definitely have a hard one there. First and foremost, I would stop dropping hints and joking about it with your husband - this is a serious issue for you and you don't want him to blow it off. My experience is that men do not read subtle hints - you need to whack them over the head and be very direct. Try to set aside some time to sit down and talk it out without you trying to convince him of anything. Get to the heart of why he is stalling or changing his mind. Maybe it's just too soon for him. Maybe he's worried that your kids will have the same relationship he has with his sister. Just listen to what he has to say. Then say what you have to say about why you really want another one. An open, honest, and non-judgmental talk is the best way to go, even if you cannot immediately resolve your differences.

That being said, I agree with the others that the age difference between siblings does not automatically create a close relationship. It has much more to do with your family dynamics and whether you and your husband make it a priority to have a close-knit family - teaching your children the value of family, why it's important to be there for one another, etc. Closeness in age has its benefits and its drawbacks. I got pregnant with my second when my first was 10 months old. And I am pregnant with my 3rd now as my oldest approaches 4 and my second is not quite 2 1/2. I chose this spacing because I got a later start (35 yrs) and wanted 3 children without having be go into my 40's to do it. And while I love my little one's and they have a great relationship together, some days are really hard. If you are young enough that you can space them apart then you are fortunate to even have that option. Try to be flexible on the timing.

Also, for a discussion point, I think it's very valid to bring up the advantages of having more than one child when you two get older and infirm. It's a heavy burden for one person to take care of one or two aging parents. And then when you are both gone, an only child may feel alone in the world. Try to think more long-term than just the here and now. The baby and toddler stage is such a short season of life.

I wish you and your family all the best!

M.
Mom to two girls, 3 1/2 and 2, and another due in January.

Personally, I am a "love child" myself. My mother was 42 and my father was 44 when I came along. There are 4 kids older than me with the oldest being 21 years older than I am and the youngest to me is 14 years older. They thought they were done. But to be honest, I am pretty close with my family and they all helped to raise me.

As for having a second child, I am really ready also. Maybe a conversation you should have with your husband is that the 2 of you as parents help to mold the family and make it your own. Your family unit won't be the same as what you grew up in or what your husband grew up in if you don't want it to be.

Good luck to you.
(I agree that a child shouldn't grow up alone. They need a pal....)

That "only child" being a bad thing is very offensive, especially for those of us who have one child not by choice. I used to think people with one child had chosen it, but experience has made me wonder how many of those only childrens' parents were simply unable to have another child. My son is 3 1/2, and I've had two pregnancies since then, both ending in miscarriage. So my "perfect spacing" that I wanted never happened. People who can just have babies whenever they want them like to pass a lot of judgment without thinking about it. Sorry, that's not anything to do with you, I just wanted to get that out about some of the other responses to your question!

It probably goes without saying that the idea that if one child is good, the other will be "cursed" is illogical and superstitious. Tell him maybe the two of you are so good together, you can only have good children! He's probably just using that as an excuse for his being nervous about having another one so soon. Explain that he'll still have at least 9 more months to enjoy his little guy. If it takes you 3 months to get pregnant, that's another year. By the time that much time has passed, he'll be itching for another one!

I would like to ask you to think hard before plunging into baby #2. Having your husband behind you with the decision is a must. I am a stay-at-home mom with a 13 month old girl and an almost 3 year old boy. When my husband comes home, he helps me out. With out his support on this, I would go absolutly crazy. Some days I can't wait for my husband to be home so that I can stay a good Mom. The kids take up so much time and energy. After you speak to your husband, and he if does not want number 2, please support your husbands decision and continue to love your child. You are fortunate to have your one child as well as your husband. I am unable to have children and I do understand the longing. My husband always wanted a boy. So I agreed to that just so I could have a child. Any child would do. But, then I realized that I really wanted a girl all along. I realized that raising kids alone is very difficult. I love my husband and would never want something like kids to come between us. So I spoke with my husband about #2 for a long time. He agreed to #2 on his own time. My 1st child was so good. Now it's my #2 that is the good child. It took us a very long time for our son to arrive home. We thought since it took so long to get our first, that we should start papers right away for our 2nd. I thought the 2nd child would be easy too and that everything would stay easy. Keep in mind that no child is the same as any other child. Anyway, she came along so much faster. We wanted them close in age but not quite so close - 20 months apart. My first was very jealous of #2 and sometimes still is. They fight over toys all the time. It's hard to get them to nap during the day at the same time so I have little "me" time to myself these days. My first child doesn't want to use the potty much because #2 doesn't have to use the potty. #2 doesn't even walk yet. Anyway, they are both in diapers. One child is a fair amount of work. Two is triple the amount of work. However, I do love them both and am grateful to have them in our lives. I am overall, happy to have both a boy and a girl. That's my thoughts and experience. Best wishes in whatever is decided.

M.,

When we first started having kids, I was worried about the "black sheep of the family" curse, too. Well, I have 4 now and not a one gives me any real trouble. Your next could be even easier than your first. Because parenting and genetics come into play, you won't necessarily get a really difficult one.

I think the greatest gift I have given my children is a loving environment with their siblings. There are just a lot of things brothers and sisters can give a child that parents just can't. You have to have them to fully understand. Ours are close together - ages 6,4,2 and 6 months. People think I am crazy, but we have so much FUN together and everyone is close friends.

I know it is a long way off, but when my husband and I are gone, it is such a good feeling to know that they will still have each other. I have a couple of friends who are only children and when their parents died, they experienced a loss and loneliness far greater than the people I know who lost parents but had siblings to lean on and remember good times with.

Good luck,
S.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. My husband and I had decided on 2 kids, but after our first was born and we started talking about another one he said that our daughter is so good so why jinx it by having another baby. At any rate, I am now pregnant and due in July. I don't have much advice but just thought it was crazy how much our stories are alike. Good luck.

This probably is not what you want to hear, but you know the saying the grass is always greener on the other side. I think that whatever you are longing for is okay you just need to be content. Don't miss out on the son you currently have in front of you. If you really want to have children close together, hopefully your husband will come around to your line of thinking. If he doesn't hopefully you can come to a happy medium. The other thing you need to think about is what if you don't get pregnant even if you are trying. You can have a timeline all laid out, but it does not mean that is the way it will happen. You say that you want your siblings to be close in age so that can have a close relationship. You should know that just because you are close in age with siblings it doesn't guarantee a close relationship. With all that said my advice is to stop and smell the roses.
Good luck!

it's hartbreaking. After our first child we were unsuccessful in having another. We tried for years to adoptin the US and finally did an international adoption and our second daughter is an absolute joy.

Hang in there, I hear you. My 2nd child is 13 months & I am ready for another ( the last one, #3). I too have brothers & sisters that are 5 + years older then me. We have never been close, now we get along. But growing up through school & stuff, the years really count & put a wedge between you.

My husband is happy with just the two. We have a boy & girl. But I so much want another baby & I don't want to talk him into it either. The more time goes by he is warming up to the idea, as I keep throwing out hints here & there. It helped when I told my husband at least the kids would have each other once we are gone, may sound weird- but he likes thinking that they won't be alone when we are gone. That they would have brothers & sisters to be with.

I am no expert obviously, but I think time will tell. And it can't hurt to drop hints & clues every now & then. Good luck!

I can understand your husband's "fear" that your next child might be "cursed", but you never know... My first was a really good baby and my in-laws said that wouldn't happen again and I think our second was even more good-natured than the first! :) Of course I figure if we ever did have a third, then we'd get hit with a colicky baby or something ;)

Aside from that I'll just toss in my agreement with others that I don't think age difference will matter as much when it comes to closeness as personality and other life events...:)

There is close together (2-3 years apart) and then there is extremely close together (1-2 years apart). You can end up with issues between siblings no matter what the age gap. My sister and I are just a hair over 2 years apart. We get along now that we aren't under the same roof, but we aren't super close or anything. My boys are 2 years and 4 months apart (planned that way to allow us to have a 3rd and have the birthdays spread out evenly throughout the year - yes I am one of those lucky people who say lets have a baby and gets pregnant on the 1st try, so when I say I planned for 2 years and 4 months apart I mean it). My boys get along great but it has taken time to develop that relationship. I have no idea what the future holds for them but I know that they will have the relationship that works for them both. I guess what I am trying to say, is you need to do what you need to do for you and your husband. The relationship your children have in the future isn't going to solely be determined by the age gap.
Now my husband and I said 3 from the beginning but he has wavered since we had our 2nd. Probably because #2 was a very difficult baby (colic and just generally crabby for the 1st 9 months of his life). The fact is that they can be(and likely will be)completely different than one another. But when it boils down to it, no matter how difficult your 2nd may be you love them just as much as the easy 1st. Overall it is a worthwhile experience in my opinion.
I think there are pros and cons to having more than one. Lets face it, there are pros and cons to having any at all! It just depends on what you and your husband can agree on as to what is more important to you.
Have you explained to him how you are feeling (your concerns,etc.)? Maybe you should re-evaluate and determine what gap you are comfortable with between kids and work it out that way.
I know it is difficult to deal with a spouse that doesn't want what they once agreed to. Stay strong!
Good Luck!

You've received a lot of feedback on this! I'll keep it short. Like the other mom said, take time with your husband and be clear with your expectations. My husband and I went to dinner and discussed the 2nd baby when our daughter was 4. We even went to a therapist to try and work out our different opinions on growing the family. The thing is, my husband was very uncomfortable with having another. It's heartbreaking for me, because I really wanted another. But I look at our family now (our daughter's 12), and I love it! We have a great closeness, and we make sure she has a close relationship with her cousins as well. I wasn't willing to sacrifice the health of my marriage so I could be happy with a 2nd child. I would have been thrilled with a second, but at what cost to my husband? My advice: go out to dinner. Have a thoughtful and clear conversation with your husband. It will open his eyes to your feelings, and you'll learn more about him too!
Best of luck!