Age Difference, Having Another Child, Pro's & Cons?

Hi there,
Well, I wanted a bit of separation between my kids so we started trying when my daughter was 2 1/2. Well, to say the least circumstances changed our perfect 3 year apart plan. We lost 2 pregnancies and, at 37, we finally had our second child. My kids are 4 years apart. There are MANY things I love about the separation now.....my daughter is so independent and helps out a LOT with her baby brother. She is so interested and wanting to help. It was also nice that I could reason with her and she understood that the baby needed some time and she could occupy herself in those beginning months a bit better. At 4 she just "got it" better than my friends kids who were much younger and more than she would have at 3 and it was easier for me to have one that was pretty independent. It was also nice that she was in school and I had some time each week to bond with the baby and some time with just one child.

Now, saying that, it was VERY difficult for me to reenter the newborn state after being away from it for so long. Our son had a lot of health issues and this first year has been really hard. Most of my friends have kids 2 1/2 to 3 years apart and although they say the first year was insane, they like the age gap. The kids are close and occupy each other.

I was worried with such an age gap that they wouldn't play together and be close. He is only 14 months but my daughter (who's 5) plays with him like mad and can't wait for him to get up so she can play with him. Those worries are long gone.

I think another plus is that she'll be in K next fall and I will have every morning to do the things with my son that she and I were able to do when she was a baby. Some mommy and me classes and such. I like that too about the age difference. I wanted him to have some uninterrupted time like she had and not have to worry about her and what to do with her while I am in a class etc....

I think long term it will also be beneficial financially as I only had one full year to worry about daycare costs with both of them (which is astounding!!) more time to save for college too!!!

I guess really, it works out the way it should no matter what. If you wait it could take some time, if you want it now it could also take time or it could happen right away. No matter what, there are pros and cons to all of it I think and you will adjust to what ever situation you are given. If you are ready, I'd go for it!!!

Hope this helps!!
N.

Hi,

I just posted basically the same exact question! I am in the same situation as you and can completely relate. I'm 26 and my daughter will be turning three on May 14. My husband and I both work full time and we have very hectic schedules. I work M-F 8am-5pm and he works Wednesday-Sunday 2:30-11:00pm. We too want to have another baby and I have been stressed lately thinking about the fact that our kids will be at least four years apart. We want to start trying this summer as well. I think the reason I have been stressed about it is because my sister is five years older than me and growig up we were never close. When I was in eighth grade she moved away to college so I felt like an only child which I didn't like. I was always envious of my friends who had siblings close in age becasue it seemed like so much fun! One other downfall for me was that we didn't have anything in common becasue we were always at differnt places in our lives.

On the flip side, now that I am older and can reflect on my experiences I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't neccissarily the age difference that was the problem. It was more so that we are very different people in general. I think even if we were closer in age we wouldn't necessarily be close. I think parents have a huge influence on bringing their families close together by spending quality time together and doing fun things as a family. We weren't a super close family and I think that played a role too.
So, with all that said I don't think it matters in the long run because my sister and I are now close and we have a lot in common. Once I started college the age gap closed dramatically to the point where it didn't even seem like we were five years apart. I am actually glad now that there was a gap between us because it allowed me to become my own person and I didn't feel like I had to compete with her. We are both married and have a daughter the same age and that has been wonderful and has brought us even closer together. So, who's to say what will be best because it always works out.

I am curious to read the other responses to your question and to get feedback on mine. The age difference situation has been a real concern of mine too and it is so hard to know what is best. I've also met parents who had kids close together with the intent that they would get along and they actually didn't get along at all.
It's comforting to me to know there are other moms concerened about the same things I am and in this case, in a very similar situation. Good thing for Mama Source!
Sincerely,
Amanda

T., I guess the first question I'd ask you is how old are you, mainly because that's the factor women usually gage as the basis to whether or not they need to hurry up and have another child in a timely manner. I'm a mother of 8 children, 4 biological and 4 adoptive. I have two distinct age groups of children. The first group has three teenagers and the second one is my "younger" set of kids from 7 to 10. Personally, I enjoy seeing the closeness in age of the older ones and my two youngest children. My teenagers (all boys) do everything together and are, luckily, each others' best friends. The two youngest are just adorable with each other (a boy and a girl, 18 months apart). When my first two were born only 15 months apart, I thought it was wonderful and I was elated that they could be playmates and such. They were very close and the eldest was thrilled to have a younger brother to follow him around. After their personalities developed, I saw a gradual change in both of them. They seemed to be separating from each other, but only in interests, not in actual closeness. I suppose the question is...Would I do it that way again? The answer is "Yes, if I had been a younger mom and had I had more energy to keep up with them." I feel I somehow short-changed them. I had just turned 35 with my first child. I was 36.5 with the second. When older women ask me if they should have their babies back to back, I advise that they wait until the older one is of age to go to daycare or nursery school. If you happen to be younger, you may appreciate the joys of seeing your children, who are more closely in age, interact and grow up very tied to each other as mine have. I have witnessed the difference when observing other family members who had children further apart. One cousin of mine had her children 5 years apart. I've sensed that they go their own ways rather than holding the closeness I see that mine have. So, all in all, I feel quite fortunate. I hope my words and experiences have been able to help you decide. Feel free to write to me with any questions or if you're just curious. All the best of luck to you! Let me know what you eventually decide to do! D.

For me closer was better (and I have one 3-1/2 years apart and one 1-1/2 years apart). They get along better and you don't have to go back to a stage you left a long time ago. Do it!! There's no such thing as perfection.

Hmmm...there is always a way. If you want to be a child-centric family there are just choices to be made. Our family has a 9 year old and a 4 month old, I am 40. So we basically have 2 only children. For this reason we are going to try to have another one or two in the next 2 to 3 years. We don't want our son to be an only, like his big sister is. We have just moved here from Arizona and so have no support system in place either. For that reason (and for the fact that we don't want our son in daycare!) we work opposite shifts. While my partner and I may not see each other as often as we would like, our children are always with us. This has been a long held tenet of our relationship - our children are of primary importance to us.
I would say that you are young and probably have quite a bit more energy than I do at 40, so I say go for it!

I have four children all about five years apart. I have had all positive experiences we have been able to enjoy each one fully and never had to worry about two starting to drive at the same time or two in college at once. Everyone is different but for our family if I was going to go back and redo I still wouldn't have my kids any closer than four years apart. I never felt the stress of several little ones all having a tantrum or of two in diapers and feeling overwhelmed. Two of my children are now in their twenties and all four are very close and loving with each other. Good luck!

I am having the same debate in my head, except my daughter is only 13 months old. I am 30 years old and wanting at least 1 more child, but not less than 2 years apart. My husband and I may try to get pregnant this summer, so my kids would be a little over 2 years apart. We do have a couple reliable people for babysitting and help, but not for daycare. I work full-time and pay $700 a month for daycare and I think 2 kids would cost $1400. WOW. I can work part-time, but would still pay $700 in daycare for part-time. It is very stressful. I wish I could wait longer, but I am already 30 and don't want to wait too much longer. I personally wouldn't want my children 5 years apart, I think 3 years would be ideal for me.

My boys are 5 years apart (not planned that far apart - we had fertility issues) and it has turned out better than I expected. My oldest is a wonderful big brother and helps in so many ways. He's old enough to do a lot on his own while I am busy with the baby (even though that often turns into a mess in the kitchen!) and he takes a big interest in his little brother. They love playing together even though they are almost 1 and almost 6. I suppose a 4 year difference would have been fine too but I don't think 5 years is too long. It has been kinda nice because my oldest started Kindergarten just after the baby was born so it has given me time alone with the baby that the 2nd child doesn't always get. Do what is right for your family but I don't think 5 years is too far apart. I don't have family near-by either so it is definitely easier on the childcare costs with one in school. : )